Long Distance Relationship, Exercise in Futility?

Off Topic
1

The gf thinks that if she goes to europe for a year to work (teaching) while I finish up my studies in north america that everything should work out fine. She asserts that this is something she always wanted to do, and feels it would be a great accomplishment for her. While that may be true, I tend to think the relationship will suffer, and under such circumstances is likely futile.

In terms of visits, at most 2 throughout the year given my expected schedule, and her plans to travel around europe during time off.

In terms of level of seriousness now, she talks about houses and marriage etc, little over 3 years into it now.

Couple of options. End it now / play it by ear while shes over there / find a FWB and play by ear.

Anyone with similar experience, how’d it play out for ya? Other opinions welcomed.

2

Is it not possible for her to go to Europe to teach some other time? Going with her would be nice. IDK, sounds to me like you’re fucked. Tread carefully.

3

[quote]legendaryblaze wrote:
Is it not possible for her to go to Europe to teach some other time? Going with her would be nice. IDK, sounds to me like you’re fucked. Tread carefully.[/quote]

Well I suppose she could, but I can’t really work over there given my particular profession and its licensing requirements. She graduates in couple months, so she’s wanting to go teach there before getting a full time job here. I wouldn’t mind going over there for month as vacation when I’m all done next year. I honestly don’t even see the appeal of working abroad, I mean if you wanna sight see, why not just go on vacation for stints at a time.

4

The right thing to do is support her in pursuing her dream. It will only be for a year and you will get to see her on vacation. A year will go by fast.

5

I think you are going to have to have a rock solid relationship for this to even have a remote possibility of success which based on your position I am guessing doesn’t already exist. Personally, I don’t think I could handle being in a relationship and separated for a year voluntarily, but that’s just me.

6

My girlfriend spent a few months working overseas a couple years back. We were pretty serious at the time.

While she was gone, I met someone, and broke off the relationship… and then she met someone while she was over there, and dated a few guys when she came back. But ultimately we ended up back together. And after awhile (once we dealt with whatever trust/betrayal/etc. issues) our relationship was even stronger than before.

Distance can wreak havoc on a relationship, especially trust issues or communication issues. Being in significantly different timezones makes it even harder, since one or both of you is going to have to give up sleep to talk to the other, which then impacts your life in other ways over time. You’re going to be limited in what you can share about your lives.

If neither of you have had experience with long distance relationships, it can be tough. I won’t say impossible… but very difficult.

I think maybe the two of you should talk about it and be brutally honest with each other. Discuss a bunch of hypotheticals and gauge her reaction. If she found out there was an FWB while she was gone, how would she react? If you found out she partied with some random guys a few times, how would you react? These are the hard conversations the two of you need to have, and they’re the ones that will help guide you both in your decisions.

I’d probably say the “healthiest” way to deal with it is to accept an attitude of “whatever happens, happens, but once she’s back, you’re back together and none of that matters”.

7

Well, if it’s something she’s always wanted to do and she thinks it’ll be a great accomplishment for her, then disagreeing with her and “not allowing” her to go would probably be as much a damage to your relationship as whatever you think a year away from one another would do, wouldn’t it? Heck, it’d be worse if your disagreement is what causes her to not go. It’ll be something she’ll probably hold against you for life, and that is probably the single worst poison in any relationship.

Couples are supposed to be supportive of each other’s dream (with reason, and a year away is perfectly reasonable) and have trust in one another. If she’s thinking of marrying and houses and such, while you’re seemingly contemplating ending the relationship, I’d say your commitment is a bit lacking in comparison to hers. Heck, it might be best to just end it now; the level of commitment seems rather different here, and that’s never a good thing.

I really do not understand this whole mentality some people have about relationships collapsing if you’re away from one another.

And a FWB? Seriously?

8

I’ve been around a lot of girls studying/working abroad, some of whom have had boyfriends: some are angels who never stray and some do their best Girls Gone Wild. Probably just like they would at home.

The distance will probably widen any existing cracks in your relationship (it has done for me in the past) but happy girls are good at being good, in my experience.

Then again, if you’re already considering a FWB then maybe her fidelity isn’t the shaky one…

9

My wife finished school in LA for the first 9 months of our relationship, after a summer romance. It was hard and there was a lot of temptation around me at the time, but I stayed true and I believe she did too.

If you believe it is futile or you don’t, you’re right.

10

It can work but not if you don’t give it a chance, which sounds like you already think its going to fail.

Do you trust her? if you do then there is no reason why you shouldn’t give it a chance a year is not that long.

Also from personal experience before me and my wife got married we spent some time across the country for about a year and about 9 months apart from each other after we got married. Just give it a chance and use Skype.

11

All college age girls who have been in a relationship for more than a couple years talk about houses and marriage regardless of how serious they actually are. They are young and dumb and don’t know what they really want. I don’t see a disparity in levels of commitment here. If she were so serious about it she wouldn’t leave you for a year. She is choosing that over your relationship, and that’s fine; that’s her prerogative. But I don’t think your pessimism is misplaced.

Long distance relationships don’t work. And it gets worse the bigger the distance and the longer the time period, so… Actions speak louder than words. She says she wants to settle down with you, but what she is actually doing is severely damaging your relationship. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. We are evolutionarily designed to stop caring about people we don’t see anymore. Forget the other guys she will inevitably sleep with overseas, you all will just drift apart regardless and not love eachother anymore. I don’t know if she knows this or not, but she’s making that choice.

12

[quote]js385787 wrote:
The gf thinks that if she goes to europe for a year to work (teaching) while I finish up my studies in north america that everything should work out fine. [/quote]

It would work out fine if the two of you are committed to a life together.

[quote]js385787 wrote:
She asserts that this is something she always wanted to do, and feels it would be a great accomplishment for her. [/quote]

It would be, right?

[quote]js385787 wrote:
While that may be true, I tend to think the relationship will suffer, and under such circumstances is likely futile. [/quote]

In strong, loving relationships, both partners love one another support each other’s respective dreams. There should be a little give and take. If she wants this, you should support her, with the unspoken understanding that she would support you in a similar endeavor. Would she?

[quote]js385787 wrote:
In terms of level of seriousness now, she talks about houses and marriage etc, little over 3 years into it now. [/quote]

Very telling that you write this and say “she” talks about houses and marriage. Do YOU talk about houses and marriage?

Usually when couples talk about this stuff it’s good to be on the same page. I’m guessing that you aren’t, since she is talking about marriage and you’re posting on an Internet forum that you think the relationship is now futile.

[quote]js385787 wrote:
Couple of options. End it now / play it by ear while shes over there / find a FWB and play by ear. [/quote]

The fact that you offer “FWB and play by ear” as a serious option screams to me that either 1) you are not emotionally mature enough for a relationship that includes “houses and marriage” yet or 2) you’ve already made up your mind and are looking for people to tell you it’s okay to end it.

[quote]js385787 wrote:
Anyone with similar experience, how’d it play out for ya? Other opinions welcomed. [/quote]

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this woman or not?

If you do, you ought to love her enough that you want her to chase her dreams, and you’ll support her dream.

If you don’t, the conversation is over.

Too many people today (men and women both) are more concerned with “winning” a relationship or being in the position of power than finding a strong, loving partner.

If she goes to Europe and you can’t handle the separation, okay, then you grow up and move on, but the fact that “end it now” and “FWB” are even OPTIONS to you scream that you are more worried about “winning and losing” than you are about whether this woman is the woman you want to spend your life with.

Read this for a good woman’s perspective:

13

My wife and I dated and were engaged while I was deployed to Japan for 7 months two separate times. Long distance relationships are difficult, but not impossible.

14

[quote]csulli wrote:
Long distance relationships don’t work. And it gets worse the bigger the distance and the longer the time period, so… [/quote]

Not in my experience.

15

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
Long distance relationships don’t work. And it gets worse the bigger the distance and the longer the time period, so… [/quote]

Not in my experience. [/quote]
I’m glad for that, and it worked for my best friend too, but I cannot ignore the fact that, statistically, they don’t. There’s always someone who wins at gambling, but more people lose.

16

Same here.

But on the flipside i’ve had a lot of sexual relationships in the past with women just like OP has described. Good news is that most will return to their respective countries and act like nothing happened.

So… OP, i guess you will have to decide, in the worst case scenerio, whether you can live with the old saying: " ignorance is bliss".

17

I can’t find where I read it, but a long time ago I remember reading that failure rates between normal and long distance relationships are nearly identical. Basically, most relationships are doomed to fail, not just long distance.

18

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
Long distance relationships don’t work. And it gets worse the bigger the distance and the longer the time period, so… [/quote]

Not in my experience. [/quote]
I’m glad for that, and it worked for my best friend too, but I cannot ignore the fact that, statistically, they don’t. There’s always someone who wins at gambling, but more people lose.[/quote]

What statistics?

Edit:

I mean, statistically, marriages fail somewhere near 50% (if I’m not mistaken) of the time. So should no one give it a try?

Lol, I spell like a 3rd grader…

19

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]usmccds423 wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
Long distance relationships don’t work. And it gets worse the bigger the distance and the longer the time period, so… [/quote]

Not in my experience. [/quote]
I’m glad for that, and it worked for my best friend too, but I cannot ignore the fact that, statistically, they don’t. There’s always someone who wins at gambling, but more people lose.[/quote]

What statistics?[/quote]
Wiki

20

The relationship is futile, but for reasons unrelated to her going abroad. Although that may speed up the process.