[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
I mean, statistically, marriages fail somewhere near 50% (if I’m not mistaken) of the time. So should no one give it a try?
[/quote]
A lot of couples are going down that road these days…
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]usmccds423 wrote:
I mean, statistically, marriages fail somewhere near 50% (if I’m not mistaken) of the time. So should no one give it a try?
[/quote]
A lot of couples are going down that road these days…[/quote]
If you take the people who have divorced more than once that 50% drops to about 20-25% of the time.
100% of single people who’ve attempted a long distance relationship failed at it.
I mean, statistically, marriages fail somewhere near 50% (if I’m not mistaken) of the time. So should no one give it a try?
Lol, I spell like a 3rd grader…[/quote]
It actually peaked there in the 70’s, but is closer to around 40 now… and even lower if you two are above 25 and both have college degrees. I don’t know why all we continue to hear about is “50%”.
[quote]magick wrote:
Well, if it’s something she’s always wanted to do and she thinks it’ll be a great accomplishment for her, then disagreeing with her and “not allowing” her to go would probably be as much a damage to your relationship as whatever you think a year away from one another would do, wouldn’t it? Heck, it’d be worse if your disagreement is what causes her to not go. It’ll be something she’ll probably hold against you for life, and that is probably the single worst poison in any relationship.
Couples are supposed to be supportive of each other’s dream (with reason, and a year away is perfectly reasonable) and have trust in one another. If she’s thinking of marrying and houses and such, while you’re seemingly contemplating ending the relationship, I’d say your commitment is a bit lacking in comparison to hers. Heck, it might be best to just end it now; the level of commitment seems rather different here, and that’s never a good thing.
I really do not understand this whole mentality some people have about relationships collapsing if you’re away from one another.
And a FWB? Seriously?[/quote]
Just want to second magick’s entire post (there have been several good comments in this thread, his just stands out as the position most aligned with my own).
Kudos to everyone who jumped on OP for suggesting the “find a FWB and play it by ear” which is by far the most objectionable path. If you want a FWB while supposedly “in a relationship” with a girl you’ve been dating for three years, you’re not ready for any serious relationship and you should end it anyway, as several others have already told you.
OP: you’re in or you’re out. If you want to have a life with this woman (or think that’s a serious possibility), you’re in. If it’s more important for you to feel in control and/or to have a relationship where both parties must be physically present at all times than it is for you to have a relationship with this specific woman, you’re out.
[quote]leesrvmi wrote:
[quote]usmc wrote:
I mean, statistically, marriages fail somewhere near 50% (if I’m not mistaken) of the time. So should no one give it a try?
Lol, I spell like a 3rd grader…[/quote]
It actually peaked there in the 70’s, but is closer to around 40 now… and even lower if you two are above 25 and both have college degrees. I don’t know why all we continue to hear about is “50%”.
[/quote]
I guess it’s just a % I heard years ago and it stuck.
LTRs can arise from many reasons and I wouldn’t say that they don’t necessarily work. The problem here is that she is essentially taking a very extended vacation without you. This isn’t an achievement. It’s an experience. She’s not doing this because she has to or even because it will put her in a better position long term. She’s just young and wants to have fun (not necessarily with other guys, but maybe).
Now, there isn’t really anything inherently wrong with any of that. But if it were me, I’d take it as a sign that she’s just not that into me. Some of your comments tell me that it might be mutual (FWB?). In any case I would tell her to go and have her experience. A year from now you’ll have a lot more clarity on whether you want a relationship with this girl.
Some good comments.
Now the FWB option is me being a bit cavalier or immature, yes sure; however as csulli and silyak more or less alluded to, her choosing to do this, in my mind anyway, is somewhat of a betrayal because if she really wanted to settle down we’d be moving onto the next step, not postponing it for a year while she gallivants around europe doing who knows what. That kind of decision negates any of her former comments in my mind. I may be biased based on experience with other women, but I got hard time thinking she wouldn’t eventually slip up, especially after several months of talking infrequently on skype. That has got to get lonely at some point particularly if you’re there all by yourself.
Now can I really not support her with this endeavor? Not really as some of you have mentioned she would likely resent me if I dissuaded her, so that is not in my plans. I have already told her that it would be a good experience, and that she should go or she would probably regret it and resent me. However if she does actually end up going over there, then she has obviously placed our relationship on the back burner, and I think that speaks volumes, so why shouldn’t I as well? This is why I don’t necessarily think a FWB is a bad idea or even that morally wrong. If it ends up working out, then great, if not then at least I didn’t go year without getting laid.
I basically wanted some opinions to have some perspective in our discussions about it. I think I will discuss the what if questions with her, and see how she responds.
Put the relationship on hold until she gets back. She’s free to see other people, you’re free to see other people, and 12 months from now if the two of you are meant to be together you can pick up where you left off and bond over all the lousy dates you went on with other people and how happy you both are that you don’t have to do that anymore.
Now for further context. I am also moving to finish out my studies to another city. Currently we live in the same city. This whole europe idea came after she found out we would have to move for my final year of stuff. She for some reason was not keen on moving there despite it being similar size and whatnot, and that’s when she decided she would go to europe while I was there. At end of it all I will make a lot more then her, and I view this whole thing as I mentioned above, as a bit of a betrayal. If she can’t stick it out with me during my final year and support me, then I don’t know if she’s worth keeping around and marrying, etc when my earning potential is much greater then hers.
[quote]Diddy Ryder wrote:
I’ve been around a lot of girls studying/working abroad, some of whom have had boyfriends: some are angels who never stray and some do their best Girls Gone Wild. Probably just like they would at home.
The distance will probably widen any existing cracks in your relationship (it has done for me in the past) but happy girls are good at being good, in my experience.
Then again, if you’re already considering a FWB then maybe her fidelity isn’t the shaky one…[/quote]
I really like this. My own experiences and observations support it as true.
She will fuck her way through Europe, then wait until she returns to tell you it’s over.
You will kick yourself for remaining faithful and have missed out on some terrific opportunities to meet great girls. Girls that are actually in the same country you are.
Long-distance can be maintained for however long both sides continue to believe in the relationship, happily see themselves as part of it, continue to believe they’re happier (overall) because of it, etc. In other words, no ‘re-conception of self without the partner’ can really be happening at all, on either side.
But of course we’re pretty good at adaption, and that’s a lot of continuing emotion (and belief) from both sides required, hence the low success rate.
edit - adapting, not adaption
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
Put the relationship on hold until she gets back. She’s free to see other people, you’re free to see other people, and 12 months from now if the two of you are meant to be together you can pick up where you left off and bond over all the lousy dates you went on with other people and how happy you both are that you don’t have to do that anymore.
[/quote]
I like this, too.
Low key, guaranteed success.
[quote]js385787 wrote:
Now the FWB option is me being a bit cavalier or immature, yes sure; however as csulli and silyak more or less alluded to, her choosing to do this, in my mind anyway, is somewhat of a betrayal because if she really wanted to settle down we’d be moving onto the next step, not postponing it for a year while she gallivants around europe doing who knows what. That kind of decision negates any of her former comments in my mind. I may be biased based on experience with other women, but I got hard time thinking she wouldn’t eventually slip up, especially after several months of talking infrequently on skype. That has got to get lonely at some point particularly if you’re there all by yourself.
Now can I really not support her with this endeavor? Not really as some of you have mentioned she would likely resent me if I dissuaded her, so that is not in my plans. I have already told her that it would be a good experience, and that she should go or she would probably regret it and resent me. However if she does actually end up going over there, then she has obviously placed our relationship on the back burner, and I think that speaks volumes, so why shouldn’t I as well? This is why I don’t necessarily think a FWB is a bad idea or even that morally wrong. If it ends up working out, then great, if not then at least I didn’t go year without getting laid.
I basically wanted some opinions to have some perspective in our discussions about it. I think I will discuss the what if questions with her, and see how she responds. [/quote]
If she’s just graduating from UG, then her ENTIRE life is ahead of her. A single year teaching/traveling in Europe is virtually nothing. If she’s graduating from UG then she’s, what, 22? 21?
It seems to me that you’re making her desire to do this into something much bigger than it probably is. I don’t understand how this means she put the relationship on the back burner. Couples can, and should, stand months and years apart without cheating. I don’t give two shits about the desires and such; you get into relationships with people primarily because they give you something that you (supposedly) cannot get elsewhere. If that is sex, then there CLEARLY is no reason why you have to be with that person in the first place. You can just break up the relationship and go find another, hopefully prettier?, hole to fuck.
I think your relationship is fucked. If she does not go, then she will resent you and cause issues that’ll probably break up your relationship sometime in the future. If she does go, then your doubts and insecurities will probably cause the relationship to break up. Maybe you can’t get into contact with her for some time and you think she’s cheating on you? Maybe she somehow finds out that you had a FWB and this pisses her off? Lots of things.
Just break it up. It sounds like it’s over. There really is no way for you to salvage this imo.
[quote]magick wrote:
[quote]js385787 wrote:
Now the FWB option is me being a bit cavalier or immature, yes sure; however as csulli and silyak more or less alluded to, her choosing to do this, in my mind anyway, is somewhat of a betrayal because if she really wanted to settle down we’d be moving onto the next step, not postponing it for a year while she gallivants around europe doing who knows what. That kind of decision negates any of her former comments in my mind. I may be biased based on experience with other women, but I got hard time thinking she wouldn’t eventually slip up, especially after several months of talking infrequently on skype. That has got to get lonely at some point particularly if you’re there all by yourself.
Now can I really not support her with this endeavor? Not really as some of you have mentioned she would likely resent me if I dissuaded her, so that is not in my plans. I have already told her that it would be a good experience, and that she should go or she would probably regret it and resent me. However if she does actually end up going over there, then she has obviously placed our relationship on the back burner, and I think that speaks volumes, so why shouldn’t I as well? This is why I don’t necessarily think a FWB is a bad idea or even that morally wrong. If it ends up working out, then great, if not then at least I didn’t go year without getting laid.
I basically wanted some opinions to have some perspective in our discussions about it. I think I will discuss the what if questions with her, and see how she responds. [/quote]
If she’s just graduating from UG, then her ENTIRE life is ahead of her. A single year teaching/traveling in Europe is virtually nothing. If she’s graduating from UG then she’s, what, 22? 21?
It seems to me that you’re making her desire to do this into something much bigger than it probably is. I don’t understand how this means she put the relationship on the back burner. Couples can, and should, stand months and years apart without cheating. I don’t give two shits about the desires and such; you get into relationships with people primarily because they give you something that you (supposedly) cannot get elsewhere. If that is sex, then there CLEARLY is no reason why you have to be with that person in the first place. You can just break up the relationship and go find another, hopefully prettier?, hole to fuck.
I think your relationship is fucked. If she does not go, then she will resent you and cause issues that’ll probably break up your relationship sometime in the future. If she does go, then your doubts and insecurities will probably cause the relationship to break up. Maybe you can’t get into contact with her for some time and you think she’s cheating on you? Maybe she somehow finds out that you had a FWB and this pisses her off? Lots of things.
Just break it up. It sounds like it’s over. There really is no way for you to salvage this imo.[/quote]
I agree. It already seems like its over… you don’t trust her yet are contemplating a FWB scenario yourself (we judge others how we judge ourselves). It doesn’t seem like you two have the greatest communication and honesty anyways, you should break it off now, you are just delaying the inevitable. Long distance can work, but it looks like you have a bit of growing up to do.
[quote]js385787 wrote:
I view this whole thing as I mentioned above, as a bit of a betrayal. If she can’t stick it out with me during my final year and support me, then I don’t know if she’s worth keeping around and marrying, [/quote]
Are you really this big of a drama queen and do you really need to be supported? You’re all grown up, I think you should be ready for the big boy pants now.
You talk about her like she’s your property, or at least like she’s inferior to you. You make it sound like you’d be doing her a huge favor by letting her marry you. Relationships are a two way street, you know. Every single comment you’ve made has suggested that you need to be in a position of power rather than indicating any genuine warmth. You’ve called her “the GF” instead of “my girlfriend” and mentioned that you’re not sure “if she’s worth keeping around” - she’s not an old used car, she’s your romantic partner. You’re worried that she might cheat while abroad, so you casually toss out the idea of finding a FWB yourself. You’re moving to finish school yourself, but pissed that she wants to take a year abroad.
Do you love the girl or not? Let’s get that question answered. Stop thinking logistics and winning and power and start asking “Do I love this girl enough that I want to consider a life with her?”
[quote]on edge wrote:
[quote]js385787 wrote:
I view this whole thing as I mentioned above, as a bit of a betrayal. If she can’t stick it out with me during my final year and support me, then I don’t know if she’s worth keeping around and marrying, [/quote]
Are you really this big of a drama queen and do you really need to be supported? You’re all grown up, I think you should be ready for the big boy pants now.[/quote]
Lol, x2
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
She will fuck her way through Europe, then wait until she returns to tell you it’s over.
You will kick yourself for remaining faithful and have missed out on some terrific opportunities to meet great girls. Girls that are actually in the same country you are.[/quote]
Na dude, she’ll fuck her way through Europe, then come back and never mention it to him and marry him and enjoy a comfortable life now that he has a nice big earning potential.