Let's Process Our Feelings II

Off Topic
1041

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]nkklllll wrote:
One other thing: I may have a rotator cuff tear.[/quote]
Now here’s something that actually instigates feels :frowning:

Sorry to hear that man. Just keep at it. It can be a long haul sometimes, but nowadays they can often rebuild you even better than before! And also try to remember all the big name lifters who have come back after catastrophic tears and injuries. Sometimes it takes years, but thankfully in strength sports you really do have practically you’re entire life.

Hope things clear up dude.[/quote]

Yeah it’s more frustrating because I just had hip surgery to fix my impingement syndrome and a torn labrum (not a sports injury) and have just started squatting and pulling again. If I tore my RC, then, since my goal is still to compete as an Olympic lifter, I’ll need surgery to repair it. Then, I’ll be in a sling for 2months, and won’t be able to support weight on my shoulder or in my hands until month 4 or 5. OR, I can stop Olympic lifting (if it’s only a small, partial tear) and just squat, pull and row for the rest of my life. Which wouldn’t be too bad I guess. But it would seriously suck never snatching or jerking again.

1042

Which I’m sure most of y’all know the time frame for RC tear recoveries. I’m just not a very patient man, and it’s the time farm and constant setbacks over the course of the last 15months which are making me frustrated.

1044

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Feeling: gratitude. I’ve stumbled onto the world’s best man and he somehow feels similarly about me, I love what I do for work and it seems to like me, too, and I’m happy and comfortable at home. I like waking up and I like going to bed at night and I generally enjoy the in-between.

It’s nice and I’m very lucky.[/quote]

I feel awful writing this, but:

Sounds like you haven’t “landed” yet. Like you are still “falling” in love.

Nothing wrong with that, but it may be wise to be aware.[/quote]

Why feel awful writing it? Thank you for having my back!

I would say you’re right, though I think I’m giddier about big picture things right now than Hockey himself, though the big picture certainly contains and flows from the relationship.

Although two 11 hour post-vacation work days have me feeling significantly less floaty about everything than I did a day or two ago, I’m still very excited about my job. I’ve been pretty consistent in loving what I do; the context in which I now do it is beautifully suited to me and I adore it. (Although yesterday I got fired by a patient after a second extended ass-crawl, which wasn’t a high point. A current-feelings post last night might have consisted of “meh.”) My feelings toward my job are similar to those I feel for Hockey - gratitude that I’ve stumbled into it, although aware that I have earned it. I also have an awareness that my position could conceivably be cut, which is possibly not optimal, but that’s me and I think it fosters gratitude. “Life’s brief span,” and all.

I’ve made a lot of changes internally and am enjoying the results. Hockey is the result of some of the changes I’d made before meeting him and the precipitant for others. He’s very calm without being complacent and I find it both contagious and a nice model for how I want to be.

But back to the giddiness - we’re looking at houses and land at present and it pushes every single one of my romantic fairytale-loving buttons. I love houses! I love porches and fireplaces and yards and windows and old and new and weird and funky and ugly-but-potential-having. But meanwhile I love where I’m living, so I don’t feel any sense of urgency. Just happy anticipation.

I’ve spent my entire life in a state of flux. My ex-husband was restless and unhappy and it made it very difficult for me to create a feeling of permanence for myself. I was endlessly reactive to his moods and need for the thing over the horizon that would fill the void. Tim was more of the same, though much more fun and lovely to sleep with. I also grew up with instability - a similarly restless, unhappy father and a mom who wandered off.

By the time I met Hockey I’d determined where home was going to be and what the broad outlines of it were going to be. Hockey’s dreams match, or perhaps compliment is a better word. I’m giddy about beginning to make a home for myself that I believe will be permanent and real. I’m excited about winter, and then about next summer.

[/quote]

It’s no fun possibly ruining someone’s high.

But I should have known you’d take it in the right way.

You deserve sincere congrats for the intrapersonal evolution (but the rewards are dwarfing my congrats)![/quote]

Thank you!

More generally (not directed specifically at you, Chushin), I was thinking about the self-confidence piece yesterday during a long car ride. I think I’ve given the impression here that my self-esteem is shaky. I believe it’s not. I both like and respect myself. I was a little surprised at the positive reception I got when I started dating, but that was because of assumptions about men (fostered by men) and what they prioritize (“hot”). When it went so well I knew exactly why. I’m a shit-ton of fun in person, I’m bright, honest, cheerful, and loyal. As well as being in better physical shape than 90% of women my age - maybe 95%. I also know and as easily acknowledge my faults.

But none of that matters one-on-one because chemistry and interest are funny and it means nothing that nine out of ten men in my demographic like me very much if it’s that tenth man I fall for. It’s not a matter of “do I deserve Hockey” it’s a matter of “does he happen to feel about me the way I do about him and in a sustainable way?”

/clarification re: self-esteem

1046

This hair cut business! I don’t even know what to think anymore. Men keep telling me how much they like it. Yesterday a patient I was seeing for the 4th time in two weeks (all post haircut) because he’s grief struck and falling apart interrupted himself to note again that he REALLY likes the hair cut. Last week a 30-year-old, the one I’m trying to teach to pick up women, said at the end of the session “I gotta tell you, you haven’t been very uplifting this week. But I really do like the hair.” He’d complimented it at the beginning, too.

I see a lot of men now and only the one I know slightly from another context has given any indication of interest in my physical being. Now all of a sudden they’re ALL talking about my person. It’s disconcerting.

Hockey loves it, too, as far as I can tell. WTF, this is not what I was told would happen.

I think I have perpetual bedroom hair.

1047

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
This hair cut business! I don’t even know what to think anymore. Men keep telling me how much they like it. Yesterday a patient I was seeing for the 4th time in two weeks (all post haircut) because he’s grief struck and falling apart interrupted himself to note again that he REALLY likes the hair cut. Last week a 30-year-old, the one I’m trying to teach to pick up women, said at the end of the session “I gotta tell you, you haven’t been very uplifting this week. But I really do like the hair.” He’d complimented it at the beginning, too.

I see a lot of men now and only the one I know slightly from another context has given any indication of interest in my physical being. Now all of a sudden they’re ALL talking about my person. It’s disconcerting.

Hockey loves it, too, as far as I can tell. WTF, this is not what I was told would happen.

I think I have perpetual bedroom hair.
[/quote]
You’ve probably already thought of this, and I don’t want to come across as rude, but… from a guy’s perspective I can tell you what I think is going on.

If the haircut change is significant enough to notice, there are a ton of dudes (myself included) who will automatically compliment that woman on her hair, even if it’s typically out of context for that person to do so. We may or may not actually be enamored by the new hair, but you can be damn sure we’ll tell you that we are. Because we need to make sure you know that we noticed, because we were told we get brownie points for noticing things like that.

1048

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
This hair cut business! I don’t even know what to think anymore. Men keep telling me how much they like it. Yesterday a patient I was seeing for the 4th time in two weeks (all post haircut) because he’s grief struck and falling apart interrupted himself to note again that he REALLY likes the hair cut. Last week a 30-year-old, the one I’m trying to teach to pick up women, said at the end of the session “I gotta tell you, you haven’t been very uplifting this week. But I really do like the hair.” He’d complimented it at the beginning, too.

I see a lot of men now and only the one I know slightly from another context has given any indication of interest in my physical being. Now all of a sudden they’re ALL talking about my person. It’s disconcerting.

Hockey loves it, too, as far as I can tell. WTF, this is not what I was told would happen.

I think I have perpetual bedroom hair.
[/quote]
You’ve probably already thought of this, and I don’t want to come across as rude, but… from a guy’s perspective I can tell you what I think is going on.

If the haircut change is significant enough to notice, there are a ton of dudes (myself included) who will automatically compliment that woman on her hair, even if it’s typically out of context for that person to do so. We may or may not actually be enamored by the new hair, but you can be damn sure we’ll tell you that we are. Because we need to make sure you know that we noticed, because we were told we get brownie points for noticing things like that.[/quote]

Oh, I realize that, of course. A couple of the responses have been over the top rather than the usual rote politeness, though, which is what caught my attention.

As for Hockey, what I’m seeing on his face is a look that I associate with lifting my head in the immediate aftermath of sex.

I may keep it this way.

1049

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
As for Hockey, what I’m seeing on his face is a look that I associate with lifting my head in the immediate aftermath of sex.
[/quote]

If that’s the way he looks when he gazes upon your flowing, curly locks, I’m going to go out on a ledge and say don’t change a thing.

1050

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
As for Hockey, what I’m seeing on his face is a look that I associate with lifting my head in the immediate aftermath of sex.
[/quote]

If that’s the way he looks when he gazes upon your flowing, curly locks, I’m going to go out on a ledge and say don’t change a thing.[/quote]

Wait, “immediate aftermath” may have misstated it. “Soon after” might be better. After the immediate-aftermath cuddle time. When I’m ready to sit up and start talking again, lol.

1051

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:

[quote]csulli wrote:
Do you ever accidentally call him Hockey in real life?[/quote]

No, I always call him Pumpkin.[/quote]

Does he have a safety cone orange hockey jersey?

Seriously, sounds like things are going good for you two.

Yay for you!

1052

So tomorrow we’re putting in an offer on a house. It has a fireplace in the kitchen. I’m so hopeful about it. I may need to stand guard against any other prospective buyers until we get a contract.

When I wake too early it’s sometimes difficult to get back to sleep because this buoyant feeling starts up as soon as I start thinking. Joy.

Our families are excited about it. Even his daughter, with her cold, assessing gaze, seems to have been won over. Everyone on every side seems to support it, even the practical people.

Happy.

1054

[quote]pushharder wrote:

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
So tomorrow we’re putting in an offer on a house. It has a fireplace in the kitchen. I’m so hopeful about it. I may need to stand guard against any other prospective buyers until we get a contract.

When I wake too early it’s sometimes difficult to get back to sleep because this buoyant feeling starts up as soon as I start thinking. Joy.

Our families are excited about it. Even his daughter, with her cold, assessing gaze, seems to have been won over. Everyone on every side seems to support it, even the practical people.

Happy.[/quote]

Oh boy. The only problem with mountain top experiences is there nowhere to go but down.

That sounds more cynical than intended. Supposed to be lighthearted, whimsical even.

(Haven’t been following your thread, just clicked on this post, but wish you the best, Em)
[/quote]
Aw don’t listen to him Em. You also have an infinite expanse of space above the mountaintop :slight_smile:

1055

[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
So tomorrow we’re putting in an offer on a house. It has a fireplace in the kitchen. I’m so hopeful about it. I may need to stand guard against any other prospective buyers until we get a contract.

When I wake too early it’s sometimes difficult to get back to sleep because this buoyant feeling starts up as soon as I start thinking. Joy.

Our families are excited about it. Even his daughter, with her cold, assessing gaze, seems to have been won over. Everyone on every side seems to support it, even the practical people.

Happy.[/quote]
:slight_smile: I’m also aptly excited at the moment.

1058

[quote]pushharder wrote:

[quote]Chushin wrote:

[quote]pushharder wrote:

Oh boy. The only problem with mountain top experiences is there nowhere to go but down.� [/quote]

Well, this is sort of what another old man (me) was saying earlier.

Still, I doubt that either Push or I would say to stop.

I’m happy for you, and also hope that things level out (in a good way) for you soon.[/quote]

Maybe somebody else can pull it off, i.e., staying on the peak, but I haven’t mastered it yet.

Like you said though, have fun while you’re up there but be aware that it simply can’t continue indefinitely. Prepare yourself accordingly.[/quote]

Maybe you’re both right, but I’m not sure I agree that there’s only up and then down, or that peaks are hard to stick. I think it’s entirely possible to live on the mountain top. It’s a matter of expectation, of “wanting what you have,” as the platitude goes, rather than having what you want. I think that’s one of my special talents. I tend to be very steadfast in loving what I love. I was delighted with my low paying jobs in a ghetto high school and community mental health, I almost never get into bed without conscious appreciation of my awesome bed, I get excited about coffee every single day and I like both sunny and rainy days. I get along with my objectively terrible ex-husband and thought myself relatively happy in the objectively terrible marriage.

I think Hockey is built the same way. We’re not looking for peaks to happen to us, we’re looking to share the view from where we already are and will go together. I think we both lean toward gratitude and wonder, and we both prioritize harmony over victory from what I can tell, so I expect a fairly long run.

Hockey has a mountain, btw. We can live there if we want. It’s a little further from work for me than is viable, though. But definitely livable - right at the top.

1059

Although of course I could be crazy. There is that possibility! I hope not, though.

1060

My credit score has come up by 85 points in approximately a year, putting me nicely in the 800s. I was shocked to find it merely average last year. My ex-husband made the decision not to pay some mortgage payments without my knowledge back when he was feeling like nothing mattered. Thanks a lot, fuckface!

I got a quit deed from him and brought it up to date until I could sell the house, but it’s still been there on my report. Happily it’s beginning to lose its grip on me.

My debt to income ratio is excellent. :slight_smile:

Hockey and I have an offer in on a house and have been talking more about money. I figured we’d just put household money into a joint account (“the house’s account”) but he suggests we not mess with that; just have a regular, married-type joint account and go from there. That seems so unwary to me. Shouldn’t he be scared? He earns double what I do. Also, he doesn’t think I should put my part in the house since it’s earning interest and he has money that’s not in any real sense. We’re buying the house outright (cash) and he feels it can/should be in both our names. Is that too trusting?

Although I believe I’m worthy of trust (I did ultimately return the coats to the lying, cheating ex-boyfriend) after reading here for so long I feel that perhaps I should panic.

In other feelings news, I spent my procrastination time this weekend reading back to the beginning of the Feelings threads and my relationship to Hockey. It’s been a nice journey with him and it was nice to revisit it.

I can say with authority now that sex with my “nice guy” is better than it was with my player (Tim).