[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I’m having feelings about a friend who seems to spend an awful lot of time posting exotic beach pictures on Facebook. He’s married with three kids and lives in Dallas-Ft. Worth. They’re the burniest family I’ve ever met, very pale all, and the wife is a sun-avoiding redhead. It makes me sad to think he’s living his life wishing he was someplace else.
[/quote]
LOL[/quote]
Why funny? It’s like a weird love affair or porn thing. He yearns for the beach and she’ll never be interested in it.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I’m having feelings about a friend who seems to spend an awful lot of time posting exotic beach pictures on Facebook. He’s married with three kids and lives in Dallas-Ft. Worth. They’re the burniest family I’ve ever met, very pale all, and the wife is a sun-avoiding redhead. It makes me sad to think he’s living his life wishing he was someplace else.
[/quote]
LOL[/quote]
Why funny? It’s like a weird love affair or porn thing. He yearns for the beach and she’ll never be interested in it.
Edit: IT’S TRAGIC[/quote]
Is she good looking? I’ll take the redhead off his hands. Screw the beach.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t ever have sex with anyone I won’t want to spend time with afterward, so I don’t have to worry about that part. I’m more asking about the long term of these feelings. If you’ve made a good match, does the adoration just go on and on?
Tim and I were together off and on for a little over two years, and I feel like I actively adored him right up until I realized that he wasn’t just complicated, he was broken beyond repair. And even then it took me a while to process that I was heartsick over someone I’d largely created in my imagination.
So if you find someone who is genuinely worthy of adoration, do you get to keep that moonstruck/infatuated feeling forever?
[/quote]
My great grandparents say they are more in love now than when they first met, and they’ve been married for 72 years. (92 and 89)
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t ever have sex with anyone I won’t want to spend time with afterward, so I don’t have to worry about that part. I’m more asking about the long term of these feelings. If you’ve made a good match, does the adoration just go on and on?
Tim and I were together off and on for a little over two years, and I feel like I actively adored him right up until I realized that he wasn’t just complicated, he was broken beyond repair. And even then it took me a while to process that I was heartsick over someone I’d largely created in my imagination.
So if you find someone who is genuinely worthy of adoration, do you get to keep that moonstruck/infatuated feeling forever?
[/quote]
My great grandparents say they are more in love now than when they first met, and they’ve been married for 72 years. (92 and 89)[/quote]
Wow! Not to take us all in a direction no one wants to go, but . . . do you think it’s passionate love? Or friendship?
It comes down to the dynamic and setting boundaries. In relationships, the old phrase “familiarity breeds contempt” is SOOOOO true. The “oxygen” for “the spark of attraction/infatuation” is mystery. If a man “get’s comfortable” with a woman and stops doing the things that trigger attraction, then she will fall into the “comfort zone”. If he makes the effort to keep the spark going, it can be maintained indefinitely.
You can’t alter the fundamental dynamic of respect. If a man fails to LEAD (earn respect, show leadership/dominance) the woman won’t respect him. If a man “confesses” his shame, insecurity, fears, neuroses, etc… to a woman, she won’t respect him. If a man allows a woman to see him when he is weak (not physically, I’m speaking of integrity, inner strength, etc…) she won’t respect him. When a woman doesn’t respect her man, then she loses attraction/infatuation. This is different from allowing a woman to comfort you in times of great distress (death in the family, etc…) I’m speaking of things that SOME people over react to and get all bent out of shape about. Rudyard Kipling’s poem, “IF” sums up the qualities of a man quite nicely. If you stray from that and allow your woman to see you in that “diminished” state, she can’t help BUT to lose respect for you.
So to sum it all up, it’s really up to the man to BE a man worthy of keeping the flame of attraction alive for. Women are fickle creatures driven by evolutionary forces stronger than they realize. If they lose respect for you, it’s done - and even THEY won’t realize it. They’ll just “wish” that they felt “that feeling” again. But it is up to US as MEN to spark that feeling, nurture that feeling and protect that feeling (even from themselves) by showing strong leadership, setting firm boundaries and never letting them see your shadow side (or better yet, ELIMINATE your shadow side and just be awesome).
I actually know of a couple successful long term marriages where the guy is an introvert, and he balances out his wife. It’s not always the guy that has to bring the spark, a lot has to do with understanding who the other person is and what they bring to the table for your relationship.
Usually if one person is extremely outgoing it’s good for the other to be able to temper that person. And vice versa from what I’ve seen. It’s about how you can compliment one another and make one another better in the end… But, we usually don’t figure that out until we have already maybe had some kids.
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
When a woman doesn’t respect her man, then she loses attraction/infatuation.
If you stray from that and allow your woman to see you in that “diminished” state, she can’t help BUT to lose respect for you.
[/quote]
This
[quote]
Women are fickle creatures driven by evolutionary forces stronger than they realize. [/quote]
And this
PS: bought Mind OS, is interesting
PPS: the second point is important insofar as it rather easy to bed the average sloar, because she only gets the highlights.
However, living together with a woman you need to be on top of your game all the time, which is a pain in the ass, so she better be worth it. [/quote]
Mind OS is some good stuff. It’s not PERFECT by any means, but the organization and “construct” with which to “frame” the issues addressed is pretty easy to follow. I found some of the deeper issues to be a bit lacking, but it’s a GREAT primer.
[quote]angry chicken wrote:
It comes down to the dynamic and setting boundaries. In relationships, the old phrase “familiarity breeds contempt” is SOOOOO true. The “oxygen” for “the spark of attraction/infatuation” is mystery. If a man “get’s comfortable” with a woman and stops doing the things that trigger attraction, then she will fall into the “comfort zone”. If he makes the effort to keep the spark going, it can be maintained indefinitely.
You can’t alter the fundamental dynamic of respect. If a man fails to LEAD (earn respect, show leadership/dominance) the woman won’t respect him. If a man “confesses” his shame, insecurity, fears, neuroses, etc… to a woman, she won’t respect him. If a man allows a woman to see him when he is weak (not physically, I’m speaking of integrity, inner strength, etc…) she won’t respect him. When a woman doesn’t respect her man, then she loses attraction/infatuation. This is different from allowing a woman to comfort you in times of great distress (death in the family, etc…) I’m speaking of things that SOME people over react to and get all bent out of shape about. Rudyard Kipling’s poem, “IF” sums up the qualities of a man quite nicely. If you stray from that and allow your woman to see you in that “diminished” state, she can’t help BUT to lose respect for you.
So to sum it all up, it’s really up to the man to BE a man worthy of keeping the flame of attraction alive for. Women are fickle creatures driven by evolutionary forces stronger than they realize. If they lose respect for you, it’s done - and even THEY won’t realize it. They’ll just “wish” that they felt “that feeling” again. But it is up to US as MEN to spark that feeling, nurture that feeling and protect that feeling (even from themselves) by showing strong leadership, setting firm boundaries and never letting them see your shadow side (or better yet, ELIMINATE your shadow side and just be awesome).[/quote]
This is the truest shit ever. I remember when I realized this I got pretty bummed out though, because at the time I was younger and extremely naive. It was disappointing to discover that another person wouldn’t ever really love you unconditionally and permanently. You always have to keep up your end of the psychological deal to maintain her respect (and thereby “love”). I learned that despite what they tell you, you actually can’t ever let your guard down.
[quote]Chushin wrote:
With all due respect to my friends who’ve posted here, what’s the longest successful marriage / cohabitation you’ve experienced?
Are you really qualified to be “revealing the truth?”[/quote]
No more or less qualified than anyone I think. I mean how many successful marriages have you had?
The deal with successful marriages is that, barring an untimely death, people will only ever have one. How can they know they didn’t just get lucky?
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I’m having feelings about a friend who seems to spend an awful lot of time posting exotic beach pictures on Facebook. He’s married with three kids and lives in Dallas-Ft. Worth. They’re the burniest family I’ve ever met, very pale all, and the wife is a sun-avoiding redhead. It makes me sad to think he’s living his life wishing he was someplace else.
[/quote]
LOL[/quote]
Why funny? It’s like a weird love affair or porn thing. He yearns for the beach and she’ll never be interested in it.
Edit: IT’S TRAGIC[/quote]
It might not even be the beach he yearns for, it might just be what the beach represents:
relaxation, peace, calm, droning sounds of the waves, fruity drinks and an enjoyable book.
You don’t get much of any of that with 3 kids. The pictures might just be a subconscious cry for peace and quiet.
[quote]Chushin wrote:
With all due respect to my friends who’ve posted here, what’s the longest successful marriage / cohabitation you’ve experienced?
Are you really qualified to be “revealing the truth?”[/quote]
I don’t think there was a question about successful marriage or cohabitation asked… The question was how to avoid passionless familiarity.
To answer your question, I’ve had several year+ cohabitations, some while married, some while not, some with the same people but different times.
And with all due respect, how long you can stand living under the same roof as someone else (often times reenforced by legal contracts that can strip you of your wealth and livelihood) has VERY LITTLE to do with avoiding passionless familiarity.
I’m not “qualified” to give anything other than electrical advice. Everything else is decidedly “unqualified” LOL
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
I don’t ever have sex with anyone I won’t want to spend time with afterward, so I don’t have to worry about that part. I’m more asking about the long term of these feelings. If you’ve made a good match, does the adoration just go on and on?
Tim and I were together off and on for a little over two years, and I feel like I actively adored him right up until I realized that he wasn’t just complicated, he was broken beyond repair. And even then it took me a while to process that I was heartsick over someone I’d largely created in my imagination.
So if you find someone who is genuinely worthy of adoration, do you get to keep that moonstruck/infatuated feeling forever?
[/quote]
My great grandparents say they are more in love now than when they first met, and they’ve been married for 72 years. (92 and 89)[/quote]
Wow! Not to take us all in a direction no one wants to go, but . . . do you think it’s passionate love? Or friendship? [/quote]
If you mean passionate as in sexual . . . I have no idea. I know my great grandfather seems to be a spry old man, but my great grandmother, while still very much in control of her mental faculties, has had some health problems over the last 5-7 years. She now uses oxygen just about 24/7, just recently fell and I think broke a bone in her arm? But I wouldn’t be surprised if they occasionally engage activities that I do not want to imagine them doing.
