Although the Pats Super Bowl win has eased the pain of being a New England sports fan temporarily, I’m still getting ready for Red Sox spring training:
Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Yankees players on them…people couldn’t figure out which side to spit on.
Q: What do you call 20 Yankees Fans skydiving from an airplane?
A: Diarrhea
Q: If you see a Yankees fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
Q: What do Yankees fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
Q: What do you have when 100 Yankees fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Yankees fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: What do Yankees fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: You’re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Yankees fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the Yankees Fan…Twice!
What is a bodybuilder with intellegence called? A: A beginner.
Story of an elderly couple celebrating their last V-Day together. The husband, who has been very ill for a very long time, with no hope of
recovery, with the end very near, wakes up on Valentine’s Day. He smells
the aroma of chocolate chip cookies, his favorite, gently rising from the
kitchen to his bedroom. As weak as he is, he decides that he must get to
the kitchen to sample one fresh from the oven and thank his lovely spouse
for baking them…
He crawls from bed, drags himself to the stairs, literally crawls down the
stairs to the first floor, laboriously makes his way to the kitchen, where
he finally spies the cookies.
He pulls himself along the counter and reaches out for one when his wife snaps,
“Leave those alone, they’re for the funeral”
On the breasts of a barmaid in Wales…Were tattooed the prices of ales…And on her behind…For the sake of the blind…Was the same information in braille!
A mathematician named Hall…Had a hexahedronical ball…And the cube of it’s weight…Plus his pecker times eight…Is his number, so give him a call!
This story is about a guy named abdul, who immigrated from Pakistan 6 months ago. For the last 3 months, abdul has been suffering from constant migraines, cold sweats and sleeplessness. He’s visited several American doctors and none can diagnose the cause of his ailments. On the advice of his mother, Abdul decides to seek out a pakistani doctor. Upon telling the pakistani doctor of his problems the paki-doc tells the man he knows of a cure. Strangly, the paki-doc tells Abdul to shit and piss in a bucket and then put your head over the bucket and breathe deeply for an hour. Abdul follows the paki-docs instructions, and to his suprise, after an hour he feels wonderful. He asks the pak-doc what the problem was…the paki-doc calmly replied, “my dear paki friend, you were just homesick”!!
This one I wrote myself about a big SOB on one of my ships. When he heard it he grabbed me and stuffed me in a locker. Worth it – got a huge laugh at lunch that day, esp I think, because he got pissed:…A sailor named Hanson would hate…When the crew made fun of his weight…He thought it was no fun when they said ten tons…He knew that his tonnage was eight!
A girl with no arms and no legs is lying on the beach crying. Guy walks by, sees her and asks, “What is the matter dear?” She says, “I’m 18 and I’ve never been kissed.” He’s touched, and replies,“No problem.” and leans over a gives her a wet one. She smiles and he goes off to play volleyball with his friends. Later, he’s passing by again, and she’s crying again, so he says “Now what’s wrong?” She says, “I’m 18 and I’ve never been fucked” He say “no problem” picks her up, and throws her into the ocean. “Now you’re fucked!”
Why do women have legs?..1 So they won’t leave snail trails…2 So their feet won’t smell like pussy…Why do men usually die before their wives? It’s their only escape…Why are all my jokes misogynistic? Beats me, I am trying to think of some that aren’t, but nothing’s coming up…How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? That’s not funny…How many college girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? They’re women, not girls, and that’s not funny either…How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one to blow me…My son actually said this to one of his co-ed classmates during a political discussion: “So you’re a feminist? That’s so cute!”…Still trying to think of a non-woman bashing joke…
What’s the difference between a man and a carp? One’s a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish. (grin just for you huck! laugh)
Why do men give their penises nicknames? They don’t want a stranger making all their decisions…
What’s the difference between a clever midget and a whore with gonnorea? The first one is a cunning runt.
What’s the difference between an Admiral in the Swedish navy and a reliable vacuum cleaner? One sucks and never fails…
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? So she could moan with the other.
In a bar that is on the outskirts of town,a man is sitting alone having a beer. In walks a woman in a red dress - this man see’s her and thinks she is the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen. She sits next to him - they start talking. She offers him a hand job - for $500. He’s amazed that she’s a prostitue AND a handjob for $500???. She points out the window of the bar - “see that car?” she asks - he see’s a beautiful VERY EXPENSIVE Ferrari…“I bought that with money from handjobs…” Well, he thinks - “Why not?” It’s the best damn hand job he’s ever gotten. He comes back to the bar the following night - in walks the woman. This time she offers a blowjob for $1000. Before he could say anything, she takes him outside and points to a beautiful skyscraper not far from the bar, “see that building?”, she asks…“I bought that with money from blowjobs…” It’s the best damn blowjob he’s ever had. The following day, he decides that dammit, he’s gonna go all the way with this woman. He didn’t care what the price…he shows up at the bar. Later, so does the woman. He propositions her and she smiles, takes his hand and they walk outside. She points to the skyline of the city - “see that?” she asks. He exclaims “you, you… own THAT?!” (and starts thinking that this is gonna be incredible!)…
“Oh no…“she says…” but I intend to AFTER my ‘little’ operation…” and pulls up her dress to reveal “her” bulging package…
The Apaches finally capture the Lone Ranger. They take him up to the village and show him to the Chief. The Chief says “You are a great warrior but for what you have done to our tribe I have no choice but to have you killed. In respect for your great skills as a warrior you will have three days to get your affairs in order.” The Lone Ranger is led to a teepee where he is guarded. After a bit he asks to speak to the Chief. When the Chief arrives he says “My horse means a lot to me, I’d like to spend some time with Silver if I could”. The Chief agrees that no harm can come from that and leaves. The Lone Ranger goes up to Silver and whispers in his ear for a bit, scratches his head, and unties him. Just before dark Silver shows up with a stunning brunette in front of the Lone Ranger’s teepee. She goes inside and is in there all night. The next morning she gets on Silver, the Lone Ranger whispers in his ear again and he’s off. That night he returns with a fiery redhead and the process is repeated. The Chief is wondering what kind of horse Silver is to do this kind of work so he sneaks over to try and hear the Lone Ranger talking to him. What he over hears is: “For the last time, I said posse, go get a posse”.
Did you hear about the job opening over at the city zoo ?
Circumsizing bull elephants ; 50 skins a week and a chance to get a head.
How do you know if you’ve got a high sperm count? When the bitch chews before she swallows…
What’s the worst thing about cooking a vegetable? Getting the wheelchair into the oven…