#9
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your
breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
#8
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. “What can I get you?” the bartender inquires. “I want 6 shots of Jagermeister,” responded the young man. “6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?” “Yeah, my first blowjob.” “Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house.” “No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won’t get rid of the taste, nothing
will.”
#7
A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, “This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average
penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” He coolly replies, “Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you.”
#6
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and
I want to stay fresh.” The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?”
#5
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he’d be too embarrassed. He vowed to
overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came
home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill?” she asked. “Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the
pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t.”
“Yes, I did.”
“My God, Bill, what happened?”
“I got fired.”
“No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
#4
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma
for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast
instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The
man runs
out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he
should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The
man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this,
the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying
he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn’t want the man
to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes
later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The
doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: “She choked.”
#3
A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the
alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. “I’ll make
you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then
open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for
witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.” The crowd
murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his
privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as
the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and
rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd
cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood
up
again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to
give it a try.” A hush fell over
the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A
woman timidly spoke up. “I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me
on the head with the beer bottle.”
#2
A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices
a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down
upon the small white guy and says: “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown” The small
white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and
brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small
white guy. “What’s wrong?”.
The small white guy says; “Excuse me but what did you say?”. The big
black dude looks down and says “7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch
dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown.”
The small white guy says, “Thank God, I thought you said ‘Turn
around’!”
#1
There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were
sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said
to his wife, “Just think, honey, we’ve been married for 50 years.”
“Yeah,” she replied, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “What do you say…should we get naked?”
Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You
know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are
as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and
the other is in your oatmeal!!!”