I stole this from Eddie Murphy. There is a bear and a rabbit taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and says “Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?” The rabbit responds “Why no, I don’t have any problems with shit sticking to my fur.” So the bear picks up the rabbit and whipes his ass with him.
I have another good one but I can’t remember it just yet so here’s a unique one.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Where is the bartender?” Get it?
A 7 year old boy walks into a whore house dragging a dead frog by a leash. He goes up to the woman at the desk and says, “give me the dirtiest whore u have” the woman replies “we don’t have any dirty whores here” so the boys slaps a hundred dollar bill on the table and say “I want the dirtiest whore u have and make sure she has HIV as well.” The woman replies the same as before “we don’t have any dirty whores with HIV here” so the boy puts down another hundred-dollar bill and the woman similes and says “Go upstairs and she will be wanting for you in the room to the right”. The boy processes upstairs and the dead frog on the leash hits every step on the way up. After 10 minutes the boy is finished and walks back down and the frog hits every step on the way down. On his way out the door, the lady at the front desk stops him and asks “I have got to know, why in the world would u want to have sex with a woman with HIV” so the boy explains…”You see I now have HIV and I am going to go home and have sex with my dog so he will get it. When my dad gets home from work and he will fuck the dog and my dad will get it as well. Later at night my dad will have sex with my mom and give the HIV virus to her, the next morning my mom will have sex with the mailman, and that is the son of a bitch who killed my frog.”
Bill Phillips. 
A guy who lives in Manhattan has always wanted to go bear hunting so one day he calls in sick, takes off from work and goes up to the Adirondacks. He finds a gun shop and explains to the owner that he needs a gun. He buys a shotgun and heads up to the hills where he is told that the bears live.
After a few minutes he sees a bear, then quietly takes aim and shoots. He hurries to the top of the hill where he sees a small shotgun hole in the ground but no bear. Suddenly, he is tapped on the shoulder and when he turns around he is surprised to see a bear who proceeds to pull down the man’s pants and violently rapes him.
The man goes back to the gun shop." That gun you sold me didn’t work, and something terrible happened to me. I need a bigger gun." The gun owner sells him a larger caliper shotgun, and again the man returns to the woods. Soon, he again sees the bear,takes aim, and shoots. He again rushes up the hill where he sees a larger hole in the ground, but no bear.He is again tapped on the shoulder and the angry bear again has his way with him. Disgruntled , the man goes back to the gun shop. “That gun didn’t work either. I need the biggest fucking gun you have!”
The owner sells him a bazooka and assures him that it will work. The man hurries back to the woods, sees the bear again, aims, and blasts the bazooka up toward the hill. He again rushes up the hill and sees a virtual crater, but no bear. Once again he is tapped on the shoulder. The man spins around ,faces the bear and says, “Allright, get it over with already.”
The bear says “OK, but can I ask you one question?”
“I guess so,” says the man.
“It’s not really about the hunting for you, is it?”
A chicken and an egg are in bed. The chicken’s on one side with one hand behind his head, relaxing, smoking a cigarette; while the egg’s on the other side frowning with it’s arms crossed. Then the egg says: “Well I guess we answered that question!”
Two laboratory researchers were talking one day. One said to the other, you know we’ve replaced our white laboratory rats with lawyers. Really said the other, “why?” Three reasons: lawyers are more plentiful, the lab assistants don’t get so attached to them, and there are just some things that white laboratory rats will not do
How many lawyer jokes are there? Three. The rest are all true stories.
I heard this from a friend ages ago, but I have a vague memory that TC may have used this in a column. A man boards a plane, and sits down next to a beautiful woman. After a while he strikes up a conversation with her. In talking with her he finds out she is going to a nymphomaniacs convention. So he asks her what kinds of men make the best lovers. She tells him three kinds: (american) indian men because they are really built and have a lot of stamina, doctors because they know how a woman’s body operates, and jewish men, because they are so considerate. He asks her name and when she asks for his, he introduces himself as Tonto Goldstein, M.D.
HMB feels just like deca!
I’m the author of an underground steroid manual and Body For Life!
I sell crappy supplements because I like to help people change their bodies, and change their lives.
Body For LIFE Challenge only lasts 12 weeks.
My magazine used to have a column called steriod profile, now it has a low fat recipe of the month, just like Better Homes and Gardens.
Who am I?
a crocadile walks into a bar with a toaster on his head.
The monkey says “hey u got a dollar”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
There’s a lion and a tiger sitting in a bathtub. The lion says to the tiger, “pass the soap.” The tiger says “no soap radio.”
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day.
All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use
in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’
Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will
allow you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if
you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”
AND AGAIN…
One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same
sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father
bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”
“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher.
She then called on little Michael.
“My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully,”
she said “Excellent, Michael!”
Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
“Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful, …just fucking
beautiful!’”
Big D
Q: how do you cure a bodybuilder of depression?
A: put him in a room of mirrors.
Q: why does a bodybuiler desire single digit B.F. percentage?
A: so it can match his I.Q.
Cinderella is going to the ball, but her evil, evil stepmother says that if she doesn’t return by midnight then her tampon will turn into a pumpkin. Although scared, off to the ball she goes. As midnight rolls around there’s no Cinderella, then two, three and finally at four o’clock she comes home and her stepmother says “What took you so long!?” Cinderella replies, “I’m sorry stepmother, I met this guy and I just lost track of time.” The stepmother again demands, “Your tampon was suppose to turn into a pumpkin at midnight! It’s four in the morning!” And again Cinderella stammers, “I don’t know, I was with this guy and I forgot all about it.” The stepmother asks, “Well who is he, what’s his name?” Cinderella answers, “It’s something like Peter, Peter…”
An american, an englishman, and an irishman are sitting in a pub.
The englishman gets served a beer with a fly in it. He picks out the fly, shows it to the bartender, and leaves.
The american gets served a beer with a fly in it. He picks out the fly, shows it to the bartender, and leaves without paying his tab.
The irishman gets served a beer with a fly in it. He picks out the fly, sets it on the bar and shouts “spit it out, you bastard!!!”
Sopranos classic:
There’s a rich man and a poor man who happen to have the same wedding anniversary. Over the last 20 years they’ve bumped into each other as they’d be shopping. This being the big 20th year they stopped and asked each other what it was they had bought for there wives. So the poor man asked the rich man what he purchased and the rich man replied “a diamond necklace and a Benz” the poor man, curious to know then asked, “why did you buy both?” The rich man explained, " I figured that if she didn’t like the necklace, she’d at least enjoy returning it in her new Benz!" The poor man was quite impressed. So now the rich man asks the poor man what it is he bought his wife and the poor man replies “a pair of slippers and a dildo.” The rich man, quite puzzled inquires “why slippers and a dildo?” The poor man then explains “if she doesn’t like the slippers, she can go fuck herself!!!”
Do you know what’s even better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded at all.
An amused looking middle-aged man and a somewhat chagrined 12 year old boy are wandering down a path in Ireland. They come to the door of a convent and knock. The Mother Superior answers and the older man says to her, “Beggin’ yer’ pardon Mother, but do you have any leprechan nuns here at your convent?”
She responds “Why no sir, I can’t imagine what you mean.” The older man looks more amused, the younger, more sheepish.
Again he asks, “Mother, do you know of any leprechan nuns in the district?”
She chides, “You can’t be serious. Of course there are no leprechan nuns in the distict.” The man looks still more amused, the boy more beside himself.
Finally the older man asks “Mother Superior, in all the counties of Ireland, is there even ONE leprechan nun?”
She replies, “Good sir, there are no leprechan nuns…anywhere.”
“Thank you Mother,” he says looking down at the now sulking boy. “You see son, I told you, you were fucking a penguin.”
Anabolic Mega-paks !!!..lol…