steelyeyes - have you ever heard the song ‘the scotsman’?
What do you get when you have 50 politicians and 50 lesbians in a room together? A 100 people who don’t do dick!
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers (Rascal, Dumbass ,Bobby) happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man (Rascal) said, ‘My Benny loved to fly, so I’m going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.’ The second man (Dumbass) said, ‘My Carl was a good fisherman, so I’m going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.’ The third man (Bobby) said, ‘My Jim was such a good lover, I think I’m going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time.’
What a Jewish child molestor says:
“Hey little boy, you want to buy some candy?”
I can hear Brock Strasser coming for me right now.
What did the leper say to the prostitute.
Keep the tip.
What’s the similarity between a fat chick and a scooter.
They’re both fun to ride until your friends find out.
I haven’t heard that one. I’m guessing it’s funny.
What’s the difference between an onion and a hooker? You cry when you chop up an onion.
Did you guys hear about the two roomies living in San Francisco? Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick?
Your mama is like a squirrel. She always has nuts in her mouth! Your mama is like a shotgun. One cock and she blows! Your mama is like a bowling ball. She gets picked up, fingered and thrown in the gutter! Your mama is like a bike. Everyone rides her! Your mama is like a bus. People get on and off her all day! Should I go on? I have many more!
You - “A hispanic man, and a black man jump off a building…who do you think hits the ground first?” (Friends give guesses) You - “Who cares?!” ~Disclaimer - Dawg on the Porch in no way supports black or hispanic people jumping off buildings or any other race doing it nor is he a racist biggot. Having said this I hope you enjoyed the joke…the next one is better though.~
Three guys go into the woods and all of a sudden they stumble upon an ancient indian tribe and all three are captured. They are presented to the chief who tells them that in order to live they have to go out into the forest and collect 10 fruits each separately. So the guys are like, alright, this isn’t that hard, lets do it. So then they all go out. Well, the first guy comes back with 10 apples so the indian cheif says to him, “now you have to shove them all up in your ass without any emotion whatsoever.” Of course the guy was somewhat disturbed by this and then he says, oh well, im gonna go for it. He hets the first on up there, no problem (he was gay) the second one, and then on the third one he flinches in pain and the indians cut off his head. Now, the second guy comes back with ten berries, the indian chief tells him the same and he gets the first, second and third but at the eighth berry he bursts out laughing his ass off and they cut off his head. Later on the first two guys meet up in heaven and the first guy asks the second guy, “Hey man, what the hell happened, you had berries, they are easy and you only had 2 to go!” then the second guy comes out and says, “man, I just couldn’t stop laughing when i saw the third guy come back with 10 watermelons!”
3 guys are standing outside a bar that is on top of the Sears Tower(don’t ask). 1 guy tells the other 2 that at this specific moment of the year there is a strange wind phenomenon that allows you jump straight off the building and drop half the distance of the building and be swept back up to the top. The other 2 guys say its bullshit. The guy says I’ll prove it. He jumps off and sure enough is swept back up to the top. One of the skeptics says,“I’ll go.” He jumps off and plummets to his death. The 3rd man starts to back away but the 1st man says that the 2nd man screwed up when he jumped off and proves that it is possible by jumping off again and being swept back up. The 3rd man says,“What the hell?” He jumps off and dies. The 1st man walks into the bar and the bartrender says,“You sure are an asshole superman.”
Why did so many black people die in vietnam?
Becaue when the platoon sargeant said “get down” they all started dancin’.
3 men(I don’t know why every joke has 3 men in it) are flying over a jungle in Africa when their helicopter goes apeshit and they have to crash land. They make it out of the wreckage alive and begin to walk in the jungle. After about an hour of walking they are captured by a group of tribesmen and they are brought to the head of the tribe. He says they have trespassed on sacred land and must choose: death or poodapooda? The 1st guy is thinking anything but death. So he tells the chief,“PoodaPooda.” All of a sudden 5 naked warriors run up to him, throw him on the ground and begin to anally rape him. After 30 minutes its over. The 2nd guy is thinking how much that must have sucked, but still believes it MIGHT be better than death so he chooses,“PoodaPooda.” Now 10 naked warriors spring onto him and start anally raping him. After about an hour its over. The 3rd guy says screw it,“I ani’t getting jumped by some naked warriors, DEATH.” The tribe chief is puzzled for a moment. No one has ever chosen death. His people ask for a response. The chief stands and says,“Death by…PoodaPooda.”
A guy decides to become a hermit and moves out to the middle of nowhere. His nearest neighbor is about 3 miles away. After he’s lived there about 6 months he’s outside doing some work when a neighbor finally stops in. “Howdy neighbor” the man says. “I just stopped by to invite you to a party at my house this Friday”. The man replies “well that’s awful nice of you I sure will try to make it.” To which his neighbor says “well hope you can make it. But I better warn you there will be some drinking. You like to drink don’t ya?”
The guy says “sure it’s been 6 months but I do like to drink.”
The neighbor then says " after the drinking there might be some fighting. You don’t mind fighting do you?"
The guy thinks about it and says " well I’m in pretty good shape so I guess a little fighting wouldn’t be bad. It would be a good way to blow off steam."
The neighbor then says “well there will probably be a lot of sex after the fighting. You don’t mind sex do you?”
The guy smiles and says " hell it’s been over 6 months for me. Sex would be great. By the way what should I wear?"
The neighbor replies " it really don’t matter much it will only be me and you."
For a fat lass you sure have small tits
A man is sitting at a pub in Ireland. A second Irish gentleman walks up to him. “Aye, where ya from, friend”, he says. “Oh” replies the first man “You’ve never heard of it.” “Oh tell me, tell me” says the second man. “I’m from Dublin.” “Dublin!” exclaims the second man, "I’m from Dublin! What part? “Harington Place” replies the first man “Harington Place!” yells the second man “I’m from there as well!” The phone rings and the bartender answers it. The man on the other line asks “What’s going on down there tonight?” “Not much” replies the bartender, “Kelly twins are drunk again.”
"MB Eric: gettin' his joke on since 1812."
-Eric
“How is George Bush just like Bill Clinton? They’d both do anything for a Lay.”
What is the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky’s mouth? One U.S leader.