Is Chuck Norris The Ultimate T-Man?

Off Topic
1 
This is a classic email doing the rounds at the moment:

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by
“knit”, I mean “kick”, and by “sweaters”, I mean “babies”.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
professional football history.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you
park there.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f**king Indian.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f**k down.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.”

After you ask, “Two seconds till what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

It as once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in God. God believes in Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”

Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, “Holy sh*t! That’s Chuck Norris!” Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying “booya!”.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming “Law” and “Order” are trademarked names for his left and right legs

2

Chuck Norris is definitely a T-Man, but the ultimate?

Nah…

Lee Marvin is.

3

In case you wanted more…

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/index.php?topthirty

4

Is the fourth or fifth time this list has been up here?

And now you can bring out Vin Diesel and Mr. T again also.

5

There were a bunch of different facts though.

[quote]danreeves1973 wrote:
Is the fourth or fifth time this list has been up here?

And now you can bring out Vin Diesel and Mr. T again also.[/quote]

6

[quote]danreeves1973 wrote:
Is the fourth or fifth time this list has been up here?

And now you can bring out Vin Diesel and Mr. T again also.[/quote]

Please no.

7

[quote]Natural Nate wrote:
There were a bunch of different facts though.

danreeves1973 wrote:
Is the fourth or fifth time this list has been up here?

And now you can bring out Vin Diesel and Mr. T again also.

[/quote]

I can never get enough of this. The list keeps getting updated as people submit new facts and they are voted on.

I dunno why… but they make me laugh every time.

8


you can never get enough chuck norris. though i have to admit, i’m a little puzzled by the donnie and marie osmond plugs:

Chuck Norris Biography

When you think of Chuck Norris, you either immediately think action movie star (recalling his numerous feature films) or television star, for his long-running CBS television series, “Walker, Texas Ranger.”

But prior to that, Chuck was a martial arts star, winning many martial arts championships including being a six-time undefeated World Professional MiddleWeight Karate Champion. Chuck was also a renowned teacher in the martial arts. Some of his students were Steve McQueen, Bob Barker, Priscilla Presley and Donnie & Marie Osmond.

From 1964 to 1968, Chuck won many State, National, and International amateur karate titles. In 1968, Chuck fought and won the World Professional MiddleWeight Karate championships by defeating the World’s Top Fighters. He held that title until 1974 when he retired undefeated.

In 1968, Chuck was inducted into the Black Belt Hall of Fame as Fighter of the Year. In 1975, he was inducted as Instructor of the Year and in 1977, Chuck received the honor of Man of the Year.

Chuck is also founder and President of United Fighting Arts Federation with over 2,300 black belts all over the world.

In 1997, Chuck achieved another milestone in his life by being the first man ever in the Western Hemisphere to be awarded an 8th degree Black Belt Grand Master recognition in the Tae Kwon Do system. This was a first in 4,500 years of tradition.

Chuck’s intense drive and determination extended beyond his martial arts and acting career. He became an offshore powerboat racer with speeds of 140 miles per hour. In 1991, Chuck with his team and sponsor “Popeye Chicken” won the World Off Shore Powerboat championships. Then he went on to setting a new world record by racing a 38 foot Scarab boat 605 miles across the Great Lakes, from Chicago to Detroit, in 12 hours and 8 minutes.

In 1988, Chuck wrote his autobiography, “The Secret of Inner Strength”, for Little Brown Publishing, which became a New York Times Best Seller. He followed up a few years later with a second book, “The Secret Power Within: Zen Solutions to Real Problems”, also with Little Brown Publishing.

Chuck was asked how he would like to be remembered. Chuck’s answer was as a Humanitarian. He has gotten a good start by:

1.) Being the spokesperson for United Way, doing an eight-minute commercial, which helped bring in over two billion dollars.

2.) Veterans Administration spokesperson visiting over 12 V.A. hospitals and speaking with World War II, Korean and Vietnam War Veterans including one from World War I.

3.) Winning the 1998 Epiphany award on Walker, Texas Ranger for the best Christian program.

4.) The Jewish Humanitarian Man of the Year Award.

5.) Actively involved with the Make A Wish Foundation for 20 years by making dreams come true for terminally ill children.

6.) BMI Music Television Award for Walker, Texas Ranger theme song, “Eyes of a Ranger”.

7.) Texas Ranger Hall of Fame.

8.) Commissioned Police Officer for Terrell, Texas.

9.) Motivational speaker for many Christian ministries, such as T.D. Jakes Ministry, Trinity Broadcasting, and Bill Glass Crusade.

But Chuck thinks his most rewarding accomplishment was the creation of his Kick-Start Foundation. With the help of President George Bush, Chuck implemented a program teaching the martial arts to 150 high-risk children at M C Williams Middle School in Houston, Texas, as part of the school curriculum. The program was so successful in helping these kids raise their self-esteem and instilling discipline and respect, as well as getting them out of gangs, that the program is now in 30 schools with over 4,200 young boys and girls actively participating.

9

Mr. T once punched Cuck Norris in the face at the exact moment Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Mr. T in the Chest.

The result was know as the 80’s

10

[quote]Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
[/quote]
easily the funniest.

11

He even thinks this stuff is funny. LOL From his web site.

IN RESPONSE TO THE “RANDOM FACTS” THAT ARE BEING GENERATED ON THE INTERNET

I’m aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as “Chuck Norris facts.” I’ve seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I’m not quite sure what to make of it. It’s quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, “Against All Odds?” They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, “The Justice Riders,” released this month. I’m very proud of these literary efforts.
~ Chuck Norris

12

this just made my day !!

13

[quote]Kuz wrote:
I can never get enough of this. The list keeps getting updated as people submit new facts and they are voted on.

I dunno why… but they make me laugh every time.[/quote]

It’s because if you don’t laugh, you’ll get your head kicked off.

14

Chuck Norris may have been a T-man at one point at time, he lost the right to be when he started hawking the totalgym, what a fuckstick.

15

Probably better than anything this side of free weights in all reality. Let him hawk it, if 1% of the people who sit on their couch eating chips buys it and usses it, well good for them.