You said: "Ultimately it’s not important that she initiates, other than the fact when we’re doing it I want to know that she wants it as much as me, and that she’s not simply doing it to please me or to get me to shut up. It’s about desire, I want to be desired in the relationship. If that makes sense? "
While this seems like it should be a good thing, it is a lot of pressure to put on a woman; particularly if it takes her a while to cum. I’ve been there. I’m about to fall asleep and my ex wants to mess around. I look at the clock and just don’t have the energy for a whole production. I’ve tried in the past to tell him that it is OK if I don’t cum and we can just have a quickie, but he takes it as a personal afront to his manhood and pushes it.
He actually goes so far as to imply that I am “Not normal”. Occasionally I give in and he pounds away, ineffectively, no less. My mind wanders. I begin to dry up from the friction. I just want it to end, but feel like I am being held hostage until I orgasm which just makes the whole thing worse. He finally finishes and attacks me for not being “connected enough” for not finding him hot enough, or whatever is bothering him that day.
Fast forward to my current BF. Awesome, sheet soaking sex. But every so often, I am just tired. Or, more likely the case, sore. I don’t have the energy for another marathon round so we just have a quickie. And its not about me being some masturbatory aid, it is just an adult realization that we are not always going to be in sync, and compromises need to be made. Once we get into it, I more than likely finish as well, but there is no expectation, which allows me to keep my focus on him and his pleasure and not get tangled in my brain.
You are very young and given the length of your post explaining how incredibly awesome you are, I would guess that you are running some playbook in your head about how to be the perfect guy. Is that real? Are you really that person, or are you creating a persona to please her? Yes. Sex can be about desire, but sometimes it is just fucking. Its about enjoying the journey; each other’s bodies. It can be dirty or it can be funny. My guess is that you are both too young to really know what you want or how to ask the other person for it (not a personal attack, I didn’t know at that age either).
As others have pointed out, if the sex is not working now, it will likely not get better. Two varying sex drives is a disaster for a relationship. Just as you don’t want someone to tell you how little sex you can have, she might not want someone telling her how much she should have. You need to find a person who is on the same schedule as you. Sure you love her, but there are a bazillion women in the world and you can find someone else who is all the things she is AND wants sex as much as you do. Trying to change someone is going to lead to resentment. Man up. Talk to her about it. If you both want different things, why continue?
Edit: Sorry I screwed up the age thing. This is the last time I listen to AC 