[quote]oakwood-jones wrote:
[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
[quote]oakwood-jones wrote:
Some background information–We’re both mid to late 20’s, been seriously together for around 9 months, friends for much longer than that. We have our ups and downs just like anyone else, but we’re very much in love, treat each other right, and generally maintain a very healthy relationship.
When we first started dating, sex was very frequent–just about every time we saw each other. It was OK at first, then it got good, and then as we really got to know each other and figured out all the little kinks it became great, the best I’ve ever had. It was right about that time also that our “honeymoon” period started to fade and we really began to settle into the relationship.
Lately sex has been more like once a week, twice a week rarely–keep in mind that we’re still seeing each other every single day and def spend ~5 nights a week sleeping next to each other. I’ve gotten to the point where I hate to even initiate it anymore because more often than not I get shut down and then there’s this unspoken tension in the room as we lie next to each other. A lot of it has to do with her insecurities about her body. She doesn’t have the most positive self image when it comes to that. She doesn’t like being on top because it makes her uncomfortable and she feels “ugly”, ect. ect. Which is not the case at all. She’s a pretty fit girl. Goes to the gym and lifts–squats, deadlifts, all that good stuff. Goes to yoga multiple times/week. And this is not to take away anything from when we DO have sex, because it still is absolutely amazing for both of us, no doubt in my mind.
I just find myself wanting it more than once a week. Wanting her to initiate it and come on to me. It just seems like it has become this big production that takes an hour, two hours even to completely warm her up, do it, and then shut it back down and get back to reality. And as I said up there ^^ I love it and that is absolutely the greatest sex I’ve had in my life, but sometimes it’s like shit, can we not just get a quickie in, ya know?
Dunno, It’s been forever since I’ve been in a relationship of this level. For years it’s just been a string of 1 month, 2 month, more casual type stuff. I mean it’s expected for things to level out a bit, but what do you guys think? Am I crazy for wanting to keep that fire going? [/quote]
Hoo boy. Lot’s to unpack here.
When you initiate and she turns you down, do you ask for a blow job? Will she jerk you off? Can you lay in bed next to her and jerk yourself off?
Does she come everytime you fuck? Do you go down on her? Are you affectionate outside of the bedroom as well? Is she only self-conscious about being on top? Can you fuck her missionary? From behind? Can she/has she expressed any preferences or fantasies? Does she masturbate?
How’s your hygiene? Are you employed? DYEL? How long were you friends before you got together? Have you chased her in the past only to have her tell you she “doesn’t think of you that way” or “she wouldn’t want to jeopardize such a great friendship”?
Are you starting foreplay hours before hand or do you two go about your business during the evening, then you get in bed and expect her to be ready to fuck? Do you spend all evening on the internet/with friends/playing video games/ at work?
Are you ready to accept that it may never get better? Why is it important that she initiate? Do you want to get laid or do you want to have a passive-aggressive power struggle? How do you know she doesn’t want a quickie?
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Ok, here we go.
I rarely ask for blow jobs, because she does not like giving them. Think I’ve gotten 3, maybe but probably not 4 since we’ve been together. Same issue, rejected too many times and I can take a hint. This is in contrast to me going down on her, which happens probably 50% of the time when we have sex. She’s never jerked me off, but she loves touching it until it’s hard and then still not having sex… This probably sounds crazy, but we’re very affectionate towards each other. Get naked every night, snuggle together, lots of kissing, it’s just the damn sex that’s lacking.
Yes she does come pretty much every single time. 9 times out of 10… and if that 10th time is the case and I for whatever reason come before she does, I will at that point go down on her and make sure that the job is finished. True story. Like I said^^ very affectionate inside and out of the bedroom, our relationship is solid in that aspect.
We go probably half and half–missionary variations and from behind, she’s not too comfortable with much else. She has not expressed any fantasies. Going back to the me having to initiate it every time thing, when we’re doing it I am in control for the most part. And we do talk openly and honestly about this and she is definitely harboring demons from the past in this regard that I don’t really want to get into, but she has stated explicitly that she does not feel comfortable being in control. We have also talked openly and honestly about masturbation, which she does not do.
My hygiene is great. I’m a good looking guy, well kempt, well spoken, interesting… women are interested in me… I have a zillion friends that are women (which sometimes makes her jealous, but that’s a story for another day…) My looks and how I take care of myself are absolutely not the problem. She consistently comments on how sexy I am. She loves my (natural) smell. Like seriously amazed by it, I mean I’ve had women tell me that I smell good before, but this girl is fascinated. She is sexually attracted to me, little doubt about it. I am employed. Socially and professionally we’re more or less equals.
We were friends for about a year before we started dating. Always very flirtatious towards one another, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. That’s just my nature with women and she was one out of many that I wasn’t necessarily going to pursue, but at the same time absolutely wouldn’t say no to either. Always found her attractive, but it was never a crush or anything. About six months before we got together I stopped in for a beer with some friends (completely sober), she was there and she was wasted. Tells me straight up–more or less direct quote–“if I didn’t have a boyfriend, I would soooo be with you”. Three months after that she breaks up with him. Three months after that we’re sleeping together. Funny how that goes. Initially I think she was more attracted to me, and then I ended up falling for her…
Evenings typically go one of two ways. Either we’re together for hours, running around doing whatever, going to the gym, grocery store, cooking dinner, ect, ect, holding hands the whole damn time and kissing, then we get into bed and talk for an hour or two before finally crashing out. Or one of us is getting off work late at night, we meet up, lay in bed for an hour or so, then crash out. The kissing, the nakedness–foreplay, I guess–is always there, we’re always present, not so much the sex though.
I understand that it may never get better. She definitely has these demons and personal insecurities that she’s dealing with, and I’ve told her a thousand times how much I love her and how beautiful she is, and sexy, and awesome, and all that, and she knows I mean it. Problem is that I guess you have to love yourself before you can let someone else love you, or something clichÃ?© like that, right? Ultimately it’s not important that she initiates, other than the fact when we’re doing it I want to know that she wants it as much as me, and that she’s not simply doing it to please me or to get me to shut up. It’s about desire, I want to be desired in the relationship. If that makes sense?
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Sounds like you’re both two insecure co-dependent pussies that desire their partner to be confident aggressive and independent to compensate for your own desperate need for approval.
Although I enjoyed your inspiring diatribe about how sensitive, good looking, desirable, and supportive you are along with how good you smell (pfffffftttt…) she probably sees you as a Ken doll and a push over feeling no need or desire to acquiesce your carnal desires because your interest revolves around your own quest for validation. Probably why you made this pathetic post whining about how your girlfriend won’t fuck you despite you being the embodiment of the male lead in an AXE commercial.
You’re probably lame, that’s why she won’t fuck you.