Nope, no separation from my family is possible for the next month and I just about lost my girlfriend because of a manic episode I’ve been having for the last 8 hours. I didn’t even tell her anything until she told me to open up. I don’t even remember what I told her. I don’t want to reread it. She told me to leave her alone. I’m unlovable because of illness. I am feeling quite terrible and lonely because I am not able to be okay right now and I am barricaded in the car. So, I contacted my doctor because I am feeling really bad. I’ve been regressing lately and I’ve had to consciously fight the urge to encourage my girlfriend to leave me lately. One of my worst things is making things worse for myself out of pure compulsion even though I know that what I do is bad. I just can’t help myself. I slipped today and now I’m gonna pay for it because I’m in the middle of being really wound up. I know how to say the worst things, but this medication is really making the Suicidal urges worse. Either that or I’m finally realizing how bad I am and I don’t want to even try to get help, even though I already contacted my doctor because I knew I would feel this way. There’s definitely a reason more than half of
People with bipolar attempt
My girlfriend told me I wasn’t who she thought I was and it hurts because she’s right and I’m sick in the head
People can’t handle me, but I can’t even handle me so how can I expect other people to respect and appreciate me?
I don’t mean separate from your family as in move away (sep-a-rate), I meant don’t think of bipolar disorder in terms of what it means within your family. You’re a different entity, it’s a different thing is what I meant (sep-ret). Don’t lump yourself in with them, forge your own idea of what it is and will be.
I’m glad you reached out to your doc.
You know, some of this is your youth and testosterone. You’re dealing with a double-whammy. There’s a reason insurance is so expensive for young male drivers. It’s why I keep pushing patience. Just…be patient. Patient with the doctors. Patient with yourself. Patient while you get a little more age under your belt.
You can do whatever just as easily in 2 years or 5. For now, explore options. PATIENTLY.
Living in chronic pain and mental anguish for 2-5 years does not seem like a fantastic trade off for a lifetime of symptom management, but take what I say with a grain of salt. I’m scared, I have nobody, and that’s that. I can’t control my brain. Oh well. I’m not meant for dating either I guess? I can’t possibly expect anybody to put up with that besides my doctors. I hate myself. I isolate myself and put my phone away when I’m not feeling well like this and I still end up over sharing.
I’m not thinking correctly or understanding things that great, sorry
Already reached out to doctors, waiting on a response and not looking forward to it
Edit: I’ve been prescribed a tranquilizer. I don’t know if I want to kill myself or resign to the doctors and let them kill me with that Latuda shit. I can’t cope now, but I can develop a long term tick and permanent man boobs from the medication. Really, it’d be in line with my luck. But I need to try it because I can’t live without a change.
Knowing why I failed at everything social or personal I ever tried to maintain doesn’t make it any easier to accept that I’ll fight being that way forever
I was right, I never fit in for a reason
Never told my doctors how I coped because I was too embarrassed to admit it, blah blah blah
And now I’m here. I’m scared and lonely and I don’t have any support aside from my doctors, which really isn’t saying very much. People wonder why I’m suicidal and I would tell them it’s because I can’t control myself and because I’m tired of trying to fit in a world where I don’t belong and I’m ostracized by society for my own uncontrollable behaviors and thought pattens. Plus the stomachaches and diarrhea I’ve had 24/7 for years. They always flare up when I’m going nuts mentally.
I don’t really want to go to college or do anything to help myself right now even though I still have to exist as a lonely mentally ill person in chronic pain. All fantastic labels I can’t ever escape. I’m not writing this for you to read, I’m writing this for me to get my thoughts out on the page.
I have to try again tomorrow, my body aches and I have terrible diarrhea from the episode. I also haven’t eaten much over the last few days because I’ve felt sick
Woke up in a bad mood but I’m less restless. The medicine I just tried really screwed with my head. I haven’t had the strength to turn it around yet. I hope I can work out today, I don’t know how my leg will hold up but I’ve been eating steaks and vegetables. Going to eliminate eggs again and see if it helps any, and I know that eating any pure carbohydrates gives me incredible stomach pain.
Weights are moving up! I’m feeling the fatigue with everything but if I had to squeeze out sets of 8 on my top sets today I could have. Still beltless and the reps feel solid. Hook grip is also still an option for me, but I’ve used straps thus far.
I’m too cheap to invest in grippers right now and I think the easiest way for my grip to get better is to just suck it up and pull without straps. I adapted to not needing a belt in a month, maybe my grip will do the same. If I get my grip stronger on the crappy barbell I use, it should carry over to the better ones they have in gyms. I’m also going to start introducing neck work into my training by way of plate extensions at the end of the workouts. Final workout of the cycle today!
I have to find a space to hang a pull-up bar that isn’t my doorframe, haha. But I might just fucking cave, buy a kettlebell, and move to Russia to live with the Strongfirst crew until I can sumo pull 765 at 181.
Easy workout today, I was just feeling the fatigue. No straps from now on, let’s see how strong my grip can get. In the rain this might change but maybe I’ll get lucky and not run into a rainstorm. I didn’t use straps today and my grip feels fine, if not a bit rusty. I’m also used to pulling with straps. No belt either. And I look shredded against my will
Deadlift - 315, 285 x 5
Press - 125, 115 x 5
BW is going to sit around 165 for at least another few months. I can’t eat anything without my stomach bottoming out and I’m seeing the doctor for it tomorrow in person in Manhattan.
Log update - resting for a little bit before I start my next cycle. Probably 5-6 days this time around because I didn’t wait very long to begin my last cycle. I felt ok after probably 3-4 days. But, no sense in sabotaging a cycle.