Okay - last workout of the cycle today! It was good, considering I was tired and it was rainy. Today was a harder day. I’m doing my best and it’s hard but I’ll make it through.
Deadlift - 310, 280 x 5
Press - 115, 105 x 5
I might make the switch to beltless and strapless training again and redo this cycle. I’ll be stronger for it. Now I have a week to relax.
It’s starting to feel like the old days around here did. Depressing, inescapable, and always worsening. I feel like a bitch anyway. Probably because I’m a bitch.
Anyway, I’m a pothead with depressive tendencies that got myself in the mess I’m in. All I can think about is how crappy I feel all the time, the chronic aches and pains and all that shit don’t even go away when I’m high anymore. I’m stupid, I’m forgetful, I’m lazy, and I never have a kind word for myself because I don’t really deserve any. All I do nowadays is not take care of myself and wallow in my own shit because that’s exactly how I feel like I deserve to be treated. I hate myself irrationally and I don’t give myself a chance to get better before I get demotivated and never go anywhere in the first place because I’m too busy talking down to myself or getting in my own head. I’m aware of it, but I don’t think I’m in control anymore because try as I might I can’t get any lasting relief from anything.
I don’t think I look as androgynous as I did when I was a skinny, ghost-white smoker or tweaker. Bodyweight 175, this was taken a few days ago. I didn’t think I’d get this far but I did.
I’m looking into the possibility that I have really bad, untreated SIBO. Also, more weightlifting. This cycle will be done without a belt.
Deadlift - 285, 255 x 5
Press - 95, 85 x 5
I am SIBO dieting and still working out. All lifts will be done belt-less until I decide to stop using this program, my bodyweight is sitting at 175.
Deadlift - 290, 260 x 5
Press - 100, 90 x 5
The reps feel harder without a belt but of course I know I have at least 5 more reps in the tank on any day no matter how bad. However, I feel like I’m pulling from a better position when I’m pulling without a belt. I still use straps because my barbell is on the edge of collapse; it lacks knurling and the right sleeve is about to fall off. It holds up for now, so it will suffice until I get back to a gym or decide to switch over to axle work for the rest of my time with the program.
This is going to be a nice challenge. I like a challenge. They make me better.
Deadlift - 295, 265 x 5
Press - 105, 95 x 5
Good workout, I’m feeling like I have at least 5 more reps in me with everything I touch. Still lifting without a belt. My abs are coming in because now I’m eating healthier. I don’t think I’m feeding the bacteria in my gut anymore so this might be a great diet to continue, I’ve seen improvement a few days in.
Deadlift - 300, 270 x 5
Press - 110, 100 x 5
Good shit man, can’t wait to see you pull something crazy after these cycles.
I think I will have fun pulling much more than I anticipated in a few months, but I don’t plan on maxing until the end of the year. But, by the time the end of the year rolls around, I’ll be pulling 385+ on a daily basis. I’ve been training on a handful of grapes and without caffeine, first thing in the morning. It’s nice to know I have a lot more in the tank under better conditions. Right now I’m meal prepping rice, steak and carrots.
Easy work. I like the fact that I’m actually progressing. Still sticking to the diet, it helps enough for me to be able to lift weights. Improvements are noticed over time so I’m not too anxious about it yet, but it seems like I’m moving in the right direction.
Deadlift - 305, 275 x 5
Press - 115, 105 x 5
Thinking the switch to belt-less training was a good idea, I should be at least strong enough to fight seriously and not immediately get my neck snapped by the time we’re allowed to spar with each other in person again. Also, that leads me to my next thing I have to figure out. Neck work! I never got into it but I probably should have a few years ago.
Had two rest days, as per the program. I’m writing to keep myself sane. I doubt gyms over in NYC will be open until the fall.
Easy lifting today. I plan on sticking with this plan for the foreseeable future.
Deadlift - 290, 260 x 5
Press - 100, 90 x 5
I definitely need an antidepressant again. My dopamine levels are depleted. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Am I stupid? The short answer is yes, the longer answer is also yes.
Woke up with cold sweats again, couldn’t finish my breakfast, I feel terrible mentally, I think I’m having another episode of whatever it is I suffer with. These suck, but I’m 3 months quit smoking today.
Deadlift - 295, 265 x 5
Press - 105, 95 x 5
Easy lifting, did it as soon as I woke up. Pulling without a belt is becoming more natural, and 225 is moving like 50% of my max should.
I’m back on antidepressants again. Also on antibiotics for SIBO. I’ve lost everyone I ever cared about because I can’t stop being depressed. Now it’s threatening my relationship with my girlfriend. I’m not sure how to stop having panic attacks, I guess I’m not even close to where I thought I was. I was feeding myself lies. For the last week, I have had diarrhea and a bad stomach ache all day, irrespective of what I eat even though I’m not hungry either. My therapist is getting impatient with me because I haven’t made the turn. I don’t feel like I’ll ever really be understood. I had one meal, the worst panic attack I’ve ever had and a 5 hour long nap instead of lunch or dinner. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be in control of it and I feel like I’d be better off dead.
Even so, I am still working out
Yesterday
Deadlift: 300, 270 x 5
Press: 105, 95 x 5
Today
Deadlift: 305, 275 x 5
Press: 110, 100 x 5
These weights are getting a lot easier and I like it. I’ve been training fasted and I haven’t had any caffeine for close to two weeks. I can get at least 10 reps on the top-set any day of the week.
Two rest days and then back to the final week of my second cycle. Again, easy lifting. Doing this belt-less is good for me. Also probably leaning out considerably because I’m not going to be eating very many carbohydrates for a long time. Bacteria in my GI tract eat it up. Right now, I walk around at 170 pounds and consume maybe 1500 calories a day. But, those 1500 calories are from meat, vegetables, nuts, fruit, and eggs exclusively. I also don’t leave the house very much due to quarantine, so now’s really the best time to be sick that I could possibly think of.
Deadlift - 310, 280 x 5
Press - 115, 105 x 5
BW 170, taken today under fasted conditions, no flexing, I’m gonna be eating 1500 calories a day for a while…the sugar cravings are going away and are being replaced with nausea spells.
Body looking pretty damn solid brotha!
Thanks! I credit not being a slave to junk food anymore.
@EmilyQ you were right about the bipolar disorder
Literally explains everything about how untreatable I am haha…mixed with the mood swings and mania I don’t know how I missed it, it’s been right in front of my face for years
I know. It’s been very apparent.
The challenge for you now is to choose a course with your doctors and then - and this is the difficult thing - stick with it when you’re manic. You have to learn to ignore the voices in your head saying “this is bullshit” and “no one cares” and “I don’t give a fuck” and “the meds are the PROBLEM, not the fucking solution” and such.
Knowledge is power. Learn about the disorder separate from your family, as it appears above you’ve been doing, and begin making solid plans. When you try a med, commit to it for a certain period of time, not until you feel differently. Use your therapist as a barometer - we can tell when people are starting to ratchet up as long as we see them regularly. Make sure your therapist is someone you trust, so when they say “I’m worried” it doesn’t get turned into something ugly rather than something helpful.
We’re all wishing you well. There are a LOT of successful bipolar people. I expect you to become one of them!
