They don’t come up often, but this is one of those times where it did. Still incredibly stomach sick, though.
You will figure this out. Hang in there! I’ll be following along.
I don’t know the full background (didn’t follow your log before Mark tagged me) but read back a bit.
If you were ready to kill yourself over a physical matter, you might want to look into psychotherapy. I understand suicidal thoughts far better than I would like to, even though probably for a different reason. I agree with you that death is a solution but the thing about that solution is: it is final.
You would chose a final solution for a most likely not final problem.
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That’s all. Huge PR there, 275 x 15 Squat. Blacked out at the end.
@MarkKO @T3hPwnisher @strongmanbrett @duketheslaya
Squats are moving again!
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That was an awesome set dude.
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Felt like death!
You’ve got a set, that’s for sure.
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Well done!
Also im glad you got diagnosed man. Stay strong for the road to recovery
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Of balls!
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Killer set man.
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Helluva set dude. You have an amazing ability to make the first rep look tough and then manage another 14, haha.
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My stance was too wide on that first rep, which is why I adjusted my stance on rep #2. At least 315 is one of my warm-up sets now.
While I have you here, what are your thoughts on heavy partials as a form of core work? I know Eric Bugenhagen advocates them. He’s pretty strong, I think. Dude pulled 900 on the high handles.
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I have never done heavy partials for the sake of core work to be able to say. I am a big advocate for them as part of ROM progression, so I know they make you stronger.
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Very true, very true. That would include making your core stronger, too.
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Be sure to remember the Bugez derives his power from majestic hair and righteous screaming. He’s like Metal Samson.
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Yes, yes he does.
Okay, so, I quit. Not that I need to justify my decision to the forums, but weightlifting is now a physically painful experience. My bowels and bladder just about shut down whenever I’m done with a session, if I’m lucky enough not to shit and piss myself on my warm-up reps (I wasn’t quite so lucky today). So, fuck it. Being a drug addict is better anyway. At least if I overdose, I’ll have an “accidental” death. Oh well.
Now that the one thing I enjoy doing - getting physically stronger - has made itself known as “unavailable” to me (puked up my breakfast too), I think I’m just going to assume full-on decay. I haven’t brushed my teeth or (voluntarily) showered in a few weeks, and I’m also going to stop eating food altogether. I want to make it so that when I DO try to overdose, my body is a skinny twig that just snaps in half.
There really is no escape from any of it. It’s been 3 years and I get worse every day…haha. I can’t really function at work or school anymore either, because I can’t get good marks while I’m in pain. So, my grades are dropping, I’m spending an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom, and I cannot fucking wait to get my hands on some Percocet.
Just hold in there man. The other day you were hitting PRs and looking strong. There are good days and there are bad days and right now it might seem like everyday is a shit day. But there will be good days to come and many great ones. We are all here for you so please stick around.
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How is the treatment for your diagnose going?
I sadly don’t know the American health care system and am not even sure you are from the US. Here is what what you could do in Germany and maybe there are similar options for you where you live: Go to an ER and starte that you are about to kill yourself. Or go to your local physician.
The next step will be you being sent to emergency mental health institution. You will be medicated and they will get you the help you need. If you explain your situation and the horrible physical symtoms you have to deal with, I am sure you would get a proper treatment as well.
Think about two things:
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Have you honestly tried everything besides suicide to help your situation? Everything? Really?
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You can kill yourself anytime. You can kill yourself later. That option remains. The other options don’t.
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Yes, I’m from the US.
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I’ve been to the crazy house, voluntarily. I almost got myself killed while I was in there, because my surprisingly strong 12-year old roommate tried to beat me up in a psychotic rage. I think I’ll pass.
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I’ve seen five doctors about my stomach, all of whom were beyond worthless and simply believe I exhibit psychosomatic symptoms through my stomach. So, the root cause of what I’m feeling is believed to be severe depression and anxiety! Multiple antidepressants haven’t helped that. I’m in therapy, have a psych, blah blah blah. It’s just insane to go back to the doctor and expect to hear something different. I’ve tried everything to help my situation, even suicide! Only problem is, I failed 6 times. No more. I keep saying I’m gonna do it, but I always get delayed somehow. Not this time! I’m gonna die and I’m happy about it.
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There are no other options, dude. The only way for me to beat whatever it is I’m suffering with is to die. It’s simply a better alternative to being constantly humiliated with how often I’m in the restroom (and not being able to even make it there, sometimes) and living with unrelenting and intense chronic pain. Who wants to live like that? That’s why “Death With Dignity” is a thing. I don’t know why everyone is so against this decision. I started bitching about my stomach problems on here in the beginning of 2017. Time has passed, and it hasn’t healed me.
I’m quite literally useless, both physically and mentally. I’m not productive to society in any way, shape, or form, because I can’t be. I don’t have the energy to be worth anything to anybody, because I’m so drained and tired and exhausted and sick of existing that I’m an asshole at best and evil at my worst. I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but my parents are incredibly distant from me, emotionally, because I broke them both, emotionally. They’re tired of me trying to do drugs, or randomly flipping out in the car, or violently beating my head against the wall so I can feel pain. They just don’t get it. They think I’m broken, and they’re right. I think my psychiatrist said it best when he said that my parents, who had recently sent him an email, were worried because they believe I can’t be fixed, that I’m broken, that I’m just a hopeless drug addict, that I lack the ability to express or receive love/emotional connection, and that I’m just a worthless piece of shit in general. They’re right, and in order to bring about the least amount of pain to everyone involved, it’s best to make my death look like a happy accident.
“Oh, he overdosed and died last night. Don’t do drugs, kids!”
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My psychiatrist would expect it, as would my parents, and even my therapist.
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That’s it, there’s nobody else involved in my life, haha. Luckily, I’m only trying to misle four people into believing that I had a chance at making it past this shit. That’s easy enough to do. This log is just my sounding board, my place to think out loud and dwell upon the things I cannot change.
Doesn’t ANYBODY understand how I feel? Trying to fight this is almost silly.