I was with this girl who also slept around with other men. But she slept with me the most, and only slept with the same men once or twice, she told me all the stories too. It was really weird but fun, it was almost like that we were dating but we just didn’t label it. If I was 100% truly committed to her, like she is the one whom I have intentions of marrying, not sure yet if I’d like that. But yeah, the swingers community is very alive in the US.
I don’t know if that’s smart.
I honestly don’t see sex as something emotional. But I still wouldn’t date a person who’s having sex with other people.
Especially not marrying one.
If I date someone, I’ll stay loyal, and I expect the same from them.
Now, see wider picture. If you for example marry her… and she thinks it’d be hot to fuck your friend or coworker or your boss.
Or even better, you get another job and find out one of your coworkers fucked your wife.
Or if you are married with her and she still fucks other guys. And people around you know that. You know how they’ll look at you. And when you go somewhere with your wife, every guy that says “hi” to her or she to him - you’ll wonder if she slept with them. Better yet if someone tells you “Hey man I fucked your wife a month ago”.
Then, what if she gets STD?
She gets pregnant and you aren’t 100% sure that it’s your kid without DNA test.
Even worse, she gets pregnant and kid isn’t yours.
So ask yourself if that really is the kind of life that you would want?
The slippery slope you just tripped and fell down assumes there isn’t communication or respect in a marriage. The two friends I have that have open marriages, are very open about their intentions and who they are sleeping with.
If it is not smart, what? genius?
Of course, she communicated with me first. She didn’t bang guys behind my back. Also as I said, it was not a truly committed relationship. Little less emotional support that I’d like, but It was fun.
Moreover, you’ll be truly surprised how many people who are married and in committed relationship actually manage these kind of lifestyles. @flipcollar probably knows more than I do
Sorry, @dchris and @emperorhirohito but in my opinion open marriage just defeats the purpose of marriage on it’s own.
I know that emperorhirohito said they didn’t label themself as dating. But he mentioned marriage so that kinda had me up LOL.
I’m not judging anyone but this definitley isn’t for me.
And with anyone else, there’s 1000 ways how this can possibly go wrong. Either by arguments caused by something else or jelaousy creeping up on someone…
I don’t really know too much about swingers, but I know that it’s probably not easy to manage relationship like that, and there’s waaay too many ways how can it go wrong.
Who likes it - feel free to try it.
But I’ll say “No thanks” to those types of relationships.
I agree that everyone gets to decide what they want. To me the most important thing is honesty, with yourself and others, and I think that’s where a lot of open or non-monogamous people go wrong. They know they have issues with monogamy, but they want to be with someone who expects it so they let the partner believe they have the same mindset, then cheat. I’ve had exposure to a couple of women who identified as “soft swingers” early in their relationships, then when kids came along had things change. In one case the woman shut things down and in the other the man wanted monogamy. In both cases there were problems with cheating and/or wanting to. Jealousy, resentment, and lack of trust do not a good marriage make! In fact, in my admittedly limited experience of open marriages, I’ve yet to see one work well in the long term. I’m not sure “marriage” and “open” are compatible, but maybe swinging couples are happily living the dream all around me and I just don’t know it.
At any rate, I deeply appreciate people who have the fortitude to simply say who they are and what they want, rather than pretending to be something they’re not. It’s not wanting sexual variety that’s the problem, it’s not being honest about it with prospective partners.
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You’re younger than this guy and seem so much more mature. I think he just really needs to get laid by ANYONE.
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To be very clear, I don’t advocate for open-marriage. I’m in a very (happily) committed marriage, and have been since I was 23. I was pointing out that you made a lot of assumptions and described a casual dating example as what to expect when married.
I still stand by my original agreement without PP, they don’t work in the long run for reasons Emily pointed out. When young and single, they may work for awhile.
Edit: if Anna Kendrick or Nathalie Portman were down, I’d reconsider. Ammirite @dt79
For my birthday a couple months ago, my wife said anytime I want I can bring another girl home for a threesome. She’s into that kind of thing. The funny thing is, she’s also super jealous. Like beat a bitches ass for looking at me wrong jealous. So I haven’t done it yet, or even tried that hard. I don’t know that I would consider that an “open marriage”, but the important thing is my wife and I communicate any and all fantasies to each other and always go with the flow.
There are long lasting open marriages, they just tend to be the people who have their normal lives that everyone sees and a discreet other life that lets them keep things interesting.
Falling in love is involuntary, staying in love takes work, and there are many things more bizarre to me than an open marriage. Like getting married in camouflage.
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If I had Anna Kendrick I’d keep her for myself! No one’s touching my Anna!
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Yeah, see, I’m not sure that’s a workable example of anything even connected to a successful open marriage. In fact, it reminds me that there was another couple I knew - they came in for marriage counseling because things were all fucked up, partly because after an open dating situation they got married and at some point she brought home a friend and now doesn’t trust the friend or the husband or anyone much, really, and blamed both the friend and the husband somehow for the up-fuckedness. That’s been a while; I’d be very surprised if they’re still together.
And then we have our own former T Nation member; a long-term vocal poster boy for the swingers’ lifestyle. Until it crashed.
Hence me saying “I don’t know that I would consider that an open marriage”. I just meant people are baffled by the idea of any outsiders in a marriage, and that most of the stories you hear about are gonna be about where things went wrong, not where they went right. I know a couple who have been together 16 years with an open marriage the entire time. 4 kids together and still happy and comfortable.
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Good. Don’t!
My wife made a few offers, like that and the BJ coupon book and other romantic gestures that I took as just that- Gestures. She also knows that when women are attracted to me, for some reason they are VERY forward- so she compromised with a “Look but don’t touch” rule, which is permission to flirt but not go too far.
Its best to acknowledge the gesture but respect the boundary.
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that comment was directed at emperorhirohito, not the OP.
I don’t think I said be loud or the life of the party. That’s not something I am, and if it came across as me advocating that, it was unintentional. I don’t consider that to be interesting. That comes across as 1 dimensional.
What makes me interesting, and generally works well when I meet girls, is that I’m NOT what I look like. I’ve had SO many girls who have told me during or after a first date that they were pleasantly surprised by what I bring to the table, because I’m not a buffoon who just lifts heavy stuff, and I’m not particularly vain. I’m well read, cultured, I can talk about broadway musicals for hours, or the last 10 books I’ve read. I can talk about trips I want to take around the world, or the ones I have. THAT is more what I meant by interesting, rather than being loud and obnoxious. I’m conversationally engaging. I also listen very well, so I cater conversation to the girl’s interests so that it stays interesting to her. So I’ll kind of poke around at a few subjects, and see which ones grab her interest. Maybe the girl doesn’t read, or hates broadway. If so, I’m not gonna go on about Tolstoy or Rent, lol. Maybe she loves Harry Potter. If she does, then I’ll do my best to talk about that (which would admittedly be difficult for me, I’ve only seen a couple of the movies). But I think you probably get what I’m saying. And when I say smile a lot, it’s basically just an indicator to the girl that you’re enjoying her company. The comment I get the most in dates about myself, aside from ‘you surprised me by not being a dummy’, is ‘you have a nice smile, I like that you smile a lot’.
This isn’t the only thread I’ve seen him post in. I’m going by feel here, it’s possible I’ve misjudged him. Just going by what I believe is a high level of vanity. And his obsession with his calves.
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On a separate note, someone needs to tell me about this.
I’m trying to think why I would bring it up - it feels like the bad kind of gossip. All I can say is that I’m home sick today with some sort of deadly cold or maybe AIDS and am all hopped up on cold medicine. I also feel like it’s a bad habit to fall into, swinging, and believe in cautionary tales. In brief: a 20+ year marriage, known to or met by other long term T Nation members and happy by all reports, multiple visual proofs of legendary ability to score, like posting a pic of a bare ass which was not his wife’s lying in front of a laptop open to whatever thread he was posting in, so dated and timed, pics of boating parties and other frolics with his wife, etc. Just…multiple proofs of attractive people swinging (keep working out, it opens doors) back in the days when the site was more permissive re: smutty stuff. It crashed when his wife, whom he adored, left him for a man she’d been sleeping with.
Is this what happened to one my favorite posters on the site? He magically disappeared. Maybe he pushed too hard?
No, that had nothing to do with leaving here, that came after.
Fair enough. I understand not wanting to go into huge detail. I’m in the wrong for asking but you piqued my interest. I also have no desire to swing, and I genuinely don’t want anybody else besides my wife, so I’ll take @SkyzykS ‘s advice and not pursue it- wouldn’t want to anyway. It’s a kinky thing to talk about, but it does sound like it leads to problems.
My opinions are only based on my own experience, but you’re closer to and know your own situation best.
But if you’ve ever gotten a kidney punch for looking at the yoga pants at the grocery store… well you know.
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