That’s tough but you’ve got the right attitude. I usually close up for a bit before I open up and am able to properly communicate with my wife, so you’re not alone in having a husband who doesn’t communicate
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LOG #525
Lots O’ Swimming
Kind of forgotten how much I enjoy swimming. My husband introduced me to mountain biking and I absolutely love it. Most times I go alone though because I’m much slower than he is. I can get through a trail, but it takes me like 3 hours.
Swimming is like my secret passion though. A lot of stuff goes on in my head so it usually becomes an afterthought. But I’ve been just getting up, throwing my swimsuit on and jumping in the pool.
Sometimes I just end up messing around and having fun, most times I just swim various laps for time or duration.
Managed to find a little community pool that was indoors. Hard to find anything open currently since Houston just froze over. Even though most of the ice has melted, the power grid has been all types of fucked up along with the water systems for the entire Houston area.
Nonetheless I just swam most of yesterday. Pool was actually quite warm. They had a generator going so I’m assuming the thermostat was on to keep the water from freezing.
There was no rhyme or reason to whatever I did. I was swimming for well over 4 hours. Doing laps, playing hide and seek with some diving toys I bought online. Seeing how long I can hold my breathe. Just…whatever I wanted. Got home and slept for a while. Gyms aren’t open so I’ve just been doing whatever with DB and my jump rope.
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LOG # 526
Thanks to @kleinhound for the Generator App. I quite enjoy it.
Followed by a 10 mile bike ride. Kept a pace of 5-6 mph.
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Update:
I had to call my therapist earlier today. I haven’t been sleeping well. If at all for about two days now. I keep having these extremely vivid dreams. They aren’t really even dreams just memories.
Before the long battle I had with an eating disorder, I distinctly remember being a kid and being…odd. Not the good kind of odd either. I remember my mom put me in a place because of it for some time. She was talking to me some time ago about these alarming behaviors I had as a small child. I didn’t speak much to anyone for some time, after having been very social for a while. She also explained that I kept “doing things” to the small pets I would get. She tried to soften what she meant, but I didn’t really need reminding. I remembered. I still do actually.
It’s been a handful of years since my mom sat me down and told me that. Now I’m dreaming about it. I remember in great detail almost everything. I remember the incident that finally made my mom put me somewhere for a bit.
I don’t know why I’m dreaming about this. But it’s disturbed me so much that I can’t sleep. I don’t know what switch happened in between that portion of my life, over to the long and difficult struggle that I went through that many of you are familiar with who read my log. While I feel extremely uncomfortable and confused, I’m kind of happy my mom has always done what she thought was best for her child. If she didn’t…I don’t think I’d be anything remotely close to a someone who’s remotely safe to be around, let alone a sane person at this age.
I’ve always had a pretty big heart, I’m quite patient, understanding, like the experience of connection in various ways, and gentle in many aspects, and will sometimes experience way too intense bouts of being empathetic to the point where I have to remind myself that I need to make sure I’m okay emotionally and mentally as well, but it’s freaking me out because now that I think about it…I distinctly remember when I was younger where I felt devoid of…anything.
I’m okay dealing with this (well I am now, after panicking for a bit), It’s yet another part of the adversity of life. But the dreaming is so vivid. It’s not off the walls and random either like it usually is. It’s legit just me playing memories in my sleep. Very detailed memories. Sounds, smells, colors, textures, etc.
I haven’t really withdrawn socially either. Usually I do if I’m undergoing a high degree of stress. But that isn’t happening. I find myself being talkative to friends, and usual co-workers I see, my mom and I joke around most times…like…it’s so odd. Everything is okay up until I go to sleep. I don’t understand.
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I haven’t had a deep sleep for at least a year, can relate to a lot in your post. Seems like everyone’s normal behaviour has changed a little, I’m always the same but what I usually keep all inside is coming out and I can’t help it. If nobody gives me an outlet… I just create one.
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Very understandable. I find I’ve done a decent job of just letting whatever needs to come out, just come out in a positive and healthy way. Even if I seem weird or peculiar to others.
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LPG # 527
15 mile cycling.
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LOG # 528
High volume work (the cycling wore me out so It was machine work this session)
Machine leg press: AMRAP 115lbs ~80reps B2B
Hamstring curls: run the rack from 50lbs down to 10, x10 reps
Machine rows: 55lbs AMRAP ~60 reps B2B
Push-ups: AMRAP ~55 reps
OHP barbell: 125lbs 6x5
Lying leg raises: 5x10
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Holy crap! Killed it
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I realized I’m not eating enough just in general. I feel fatigued and tired, and have food headaches almost exactly when I get hungry.
I’m very spacey in the head as well, and I’ll sleep for what seems like forever if I’m not disturbed. I did manage to attack my calories just to see what needs to tweaked for this week. I’m cool adding in an additional meal after breakfast since I work swing shift and can sit down and eat without the need to rush.
Had a refeed last night and passed out almost immediately from the Itis. Woke up sweating and thirsty, then upon waking this morning felt okay, but the combination of high volume along with biking for long distances has fucked me up. So this week should be a good time to rearrange macros where needed.
My fat intake has always been low, so I’ll work on adding in 10-20 extra grams of fat per day. If I try to focus on individual meals I’m gonna get overwhelmed since my intake is sitting at 2200 roughly already.
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This one is for me 
HOWEVER…this song was actually made from a Viking song called berserkir by Danheim
Just saw this randomly. …I have the same now and again (and have taken a variety of meds in the past/small similarities with your history)
Do you take any supps, especially magnesium or zinc/zma? Potassium with last meal,can occasionally tip things over.
Your nervous system is probably all over the place from everything you’re dealing with -perfect world I would consider not touch a barbell for like a month/do all machines 
Might sound silly but watching comedy in the evening can really help improve dream quality and calm down neurology. Whatever gets you chuckling to your self no matter how dumb.
Blue light filter on phone,laptop and blue light glasses even can make a little difference
And yeah def up your good fats
Just my 2c
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No not really. I just do my best to reap the benefits with the meals I make. I spend a bit more time drinking my calories versus eating them. As of late I’ve just been blending stuff up except meats. My appetite comes and goes. Partially from meds, partially from emotional/mental stuff
Not to negate your hypothesis, but I do truly think it’s hormonal more anything else at this point. I lost a pregnancy, and while things are getting better and better, there’s still time needed for everything to settle. I think I’ve skipped two cycles already if my monthly calendar is correct. I dropped quite a bit of weight almost immediately following the miscarriage, and I’m my weight is…what I think…stabilizing a bit more each day.
No,no, I appreciate the input.
I usually feel good moving around 80-100grams a day. It doesn’t always stay there though, if I’m eating too much of any particular macro my periods tend to let me know. Call me weird, but a woman’s period is very very helpful in tracking overall health (in my opinion).
As far as the dreams go, they’re mostly being fueled by all the many emotions I’ve been feeling for some time now. I don’t allow myself to suppress much anymore. Of course I’m not just throwing my emotions all over the place, or taking my emotions out on others, but I make quite a few outlets for myself. Some I use more than others, and sometimes none at all if I’m just wanting to feel whatever it is I’m feeling.
My therapist and I have been doing a lot of grounding practices. I had a pretty thorough layout of what I was doing somewhere up farther in my log, will have to look for it and move it down when I remember, but essentially it’s just a technique where you picture a stream, this represents the continuity of consciousness. (Thoughts, emotions, etc.) Picture yourself writing whatever it is that’s going on in your head on a leaf, and without hesitation, you put the leaf on the water and let it flow away. Once the leaf touches the water, you move on to the next immediate thought you’re having, write it down, let it go, and repeat. And repeat. And repeat.
It’s good for people who have issues with racing thoughts, but also a lot of struggles can be alleviated with this technique. There’s an actual term for what this is called, I just can’t remember it off the top of my head at the moment.
I’ve been doing this one regularly, daily, since last year. I do it now constantly as well. It’s different when you try to introduce this to dreaming. It’s hard for the majority of folks to control anything about their dreams, unless they’re lucid. When I dream, I’m outta there. But upon waking from bad dreams, nightmares, this technique is great to do just automatically if given enough time to get good at it.
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LOG #529
Sledgehammer swings. I straight up just impulse bought one. Have a tire in my back yard.
Felt a very long surge of anger this afternoon. So I just tired myself out for a while.
Totaled 413 swings. Don’t know how long I was in my backyard for.
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LOG #520
Think my body has started to move forward with my strength numbers. Percentages have dropped a bit, but they’re slowly creeping back up. Max 1rm testing will have to be something I switch training setup for, and it’s not really my goal at the moment.
I borrowed this layout from an Oly friend of mine I keep in contact with. She named this program after a guy she had a crush on named Erin back when we were in highschool. Every time she saw him while training she’d tart going crazy and try to look all cute whilst training lol. Her re and set setup is…interesting. I don’t usually train in such a rep scheme but it was challenging nonetheless, and all I could think about was how much I enjoy getting to catch up with my friend
Look it’s Erin!
•Heavy back squats (band assist):
8x8 225lbs
6x7 230lbs
4x5 225lbs
2x2 300lbs
(She uses jokers after this working set, but I’m not too well versed how to program them in just yet.)
•Clean n Js:
Just the bar 5x5
Singles: 1, 2, 3, 75lbs
Just the bar 5x5
1 single 115lbs
Just the bar 5x5
•Rack Pulls
7x7 185lbs
6x2 225lbs
6x6 275lbs
5x2 275lbs
Straight set of 10 225lbs
Straight set of 10 225lbs
•Push Press
7x3 95lbs
4x3 75lbs
2x2 120lbs (yikes! This was shaky as hell)
Singles: 1,2,3 80lbs
******No ones looking at Erin anymore. This is my own conditioning I threw in
•For time: machine leg press. Squeeze in 100reps under 4-5 mins. 120lbs
•Sled pushing. Roughly 75 meters total
•Banded walks. Not for time or reps just working the movement
• push ups for time: 50 reps, less than 3 mins (failed)
Todays training totaled about 3 and half hours, but I felt great for the entirety of it.
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LOG # 521
15 mile bike ride. Wasn’t all there today.
Forgot to log a bunch of stuff
LOG #522
Same as previous session