Wow, just read csulli’s post from page 2… talk about worst-case scenario.
For whatever my opinion’s worth csulli, despite dealing with something that SO MANY get to miss out on (ie. their naive/idealistic bubble never did get burst) you don’t come across as bitter/jaded at all on these forums and that’s awfully commendable.
[quote]nephorm wrote:
There is always going to be some guy somewhere - work, school, hobbies, whatever - that she can form an emotional bond with when times get rough. That’s no reason to even try to ban having opposite sex friends. I don’t even see how this works. You have no right, as a boyfriend, to require your girlfriend to give up her friends. If you feel that a certain friend is taking advantage or is inappropriate, you can voice your concern. If a woman I were dating required me to stop contacting friends arbitrarily, I would drop her, instead. If you then get married, is this part of the vows? “To have and to hold, in sickness and health, giving up all friends of the opposite sex.”
You can’t protect yourself from everything. This is the relationship equivalent of removing monkey-bars from playgrounds. If you can’t trust a woman to be faithful to you, then don’t marry her.[/quote]
You just said everything.
[quote]Biskui wrote:
[quote]nephorm wrote:
There is always going to be some guy somewhere - work, school, hobbies, whatever - that she can form an emotional bond with when times get rough. That’s no reason to even try to ban having opposite sex friends. I don’t even see how this works. You have no right, as a boyfriend, to require your girlfriend to give up her friends. If you feel that a certain friend is taking advantage or is inappropriate, you can voice your concern. If a woman I were dating required me to stop contacting friends arbitrarily, I would drop her, instead. If you then get married, is this part of the vows? “To have and to hold, in sickness and health, giving up all friends of the opposite sex.”
You can’t protect yourself from everything. This is the relationship equivalent of removing monkey-bars from playgrounds. If you can’t trust a woman to be faithful to you, then don’t marry her.[/quote]
You just said everything.
[/quote]
It isn’t that you get to force or must give up exclusive friends when you get married. It’s that, in a healthy marriage, you shouldn’t need or desire them.
If your wife needs to spend time with male friends on the phone, the need is the problem, not the act of talking.
[quote]Duwatsrt wrote:
My wife can talk to whoever she wants. She is out having dinner with one of her male friends right now. I realize there is nothing you can do to stop it and if it goes beyond friendship that is just the way it is. [/quote]
Define “friends”.
Do internet friends count?
[quote]nephorm wrote:
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
This is where people get it wrong in my opinion. At one point in time, the relationship could be flourishing and she really is “yours”. Then take a decade or two to grow apart and some guy “friend” starts paying her attention and that’s when the emotional cheating starts, which is just a gateway cheating to the physical cheating.
Nah mean?[/quote]
There is always going to be some guy somewhere - work, school, hobbies, whatever - that she can form an emotional bond with when times get rough. That’s no reason to even try to ban having opposite sex friends. I don’t even see how this works. You have no right, as a boyfriend, to require your girlfriend to give up her friends. If you feel that a certain friend is taking advantage or is inappropriate, you can voice your concern. If a woman I were dating required me to stop contacting friends arbitrarily, I would drop her, instead. If you then get married, is this part of the vows? “To have and to hold, in sickness and health, giving up all friends of the opposite sex.”
You can’t protect yourself from everything. This is the relationship equivalent of removing monkey-bars from playgrounds. If you can’t trust a woman to be faithful to you, then don’t marry her.[/quote]
Good post, but I think you’re still missing the point a bit.
I don’t outlaw my wife having friends of the opposite sex. I trust her and she does have a couple friends from high school that she’ll see from time to time or go to a soccer game with on occasion.
I have no problem with any of that.
When my wife starts spending an inordinate amount of time on the phone with said guy, texting said guy constantly and becoming a little “too friendly”, that’s when I know something is up. I know my wife is up to no good (even if she doesn’t know it yet) and I damn sure know the guy is up to no good (and he knows damn well what he’s up to).
So for me, I’m not putting restrictions on who my wife can be friends with, but if the relationships get too friendly, I know something is up and I have a right to call bullshit. And the guy has a right to get socked in the face.
[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
[quote]Biskui wrote:
[quote]nephorm wrote:
There is always going to be some guy somewhere - work, school, hobbies, whatever - that she can form an emotional bond with when times get rough. That’s no reason to even try to ban having opposite sex friends. I don’t even see how this works. You have no right, as a boyfriend, to require your girlfriend to give up her friends. If you feel that a certain friend is taking advantage or is inappropriate, you can voice your concern. If a woman I were dating required me to stop contacting friends arbitrarily, I would drop her, instead. If you then get married, is this part of the vows? “To have and to hold, in sickness and health, giving up all friends of the opposite sex.”
You can’t protect yourself from everything. This is the relationship equivalent of removing monkey-bars from playgrounds. If you can’t trust a woman to be faithful to you, then don’t marry her.[/quote]
You just said everything.
[/quote]
It isn’t that you get to force or must give up exclusive friends when you get married. It’s that, in a healthy marriage, you shouldn’t need or desire them.
If your wife needs to spend time with male friends on the phone, the need is the problem, not the act of talking.[/quote]
Not sure I agree with this. I don’t have any exclusive “friends”, but I have exclusive atmospheres that my wife is not a part of. T-Nation is one of them.
They’re not a huge part of my life, but my wife is not a part of them.
[quote]chillain wrote:
Wow, just read csulli’s post from page 2… talk about worst-case scenario.
For whatever my opinion’s worth csulli, despite dealing with something that SO MANY get to miss out on (ie. their naive/idealistic bubble never did get burst) you don’t come across as bitter/jaded at all on these forums and that’s awfully commendable.
[/quote]
Thanks man, that’s nice to know 
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
[quote]Biskui wrote:
[quote]nephorm wrote:
There is always going to be some guy somewhere - work, school, hobbies, whatever - that she can form an emotional bond with when times get rough. That’s no reason to even try to ban having opposite sex friends. I don’t even see how this works. You have no right, as a boyfriend, to require your girlfriend to give up her friends. If you feel that a certain friend is taking advantage or is inappropriate, you can voice your concern. If a woman I were dating required me to stop contacting friends arbitrarily, I would drop her, instead. If you then get married, is this part of the vows? “To have and to hold, in sickness and health, giving up all friends of the opposite sex.”
You can’t protect yourself from everything. This is the relationship equivalent of removing monkey-bars from playgrounds. If you can’t trust a woman to be faithful to you, then don’t marry her.[/quote]
You just said everything.
[/quote]
It isn’t that you get to force or must give up exclusive friends when you get married. It’s that, in a healthy marriage, you shouldn’t need or desire them.
If your wife needs to spend time with male friends on the phone, the need is the problem, not the act of talking.[/quote]
Not sure I agree with this. I don’t have any exclusive “friends”, but I have exclusive atmospheres that my wife is not a part of. T-Nation is one of them.
They’re not a huge part of my life, but my wife is not a part of them. [/quote]
I mentioned this earlier. My wife is invited into everything I do, she doesnâ??t always join me though. Would you try to stop her from reading what you write on here? Or would you be offended if she logged on and posted too? What I mean by exclusive is intentional separation. Having a relationship that you donâ??t want your spouse to be a part of is bad, but they donâ??t have to be a part of everything.
I used to have a girlfriend who was pathetically jealous and insecure, it was exasperating to the point where it drove me away from her.
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
Good post, but I think you’re still missing the point a bit.
I don’t outlaw my wife having friends of the opposite sex. I trust her and she does have a couple friends from high school that she’ll see from time to time or go to a soccer game with on occasion.
I have no problem with any of that.
When my wife starts spending an inordinate amount of time on the phone with said guy, texting said guy constantly and becoming a little “too friendly”, that’s when I know something is up. I know my wife is up to no good (even if she doesn’t know it yet) and I damn sure know the guy is up to no good (and he knows damn well what he’s up to).
So for me, I’m not putting restrictions on who my wife can be friends with, but if the relationships get too friendly, I know something is up and I have a right to call bullshit. And the guy has a right to get socked in the face. [/quote]
I understand, and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to express concern if you think a particular relationship is inappropriate. That said, given this hypothetical, the first thing I would do is ask myself if I’ve been taking her for granted, or haven’t given her what she needs emotionally. That would be the time to evaluate whether I’ve been making enough time for the two of us, doing things we both enjoy, and maintaining the bond between us, in a non-needy, secure way. If I’ve been doing all of that, or I start again and the relationship continues, that would be the time to bring it up to her. Taking all of this with the hugest grain of salt, of course, since I am not married and have never been.
Long story short, I don’t disagree with your hypothetical reaction. I disagree with a blanket ban or ultimatum.
[quote]adamhum wrote:
I’m 38 and she is 34.
The thing is that she is VERY jealous of my female friends. [/quote]
You guys both need to start acting your age. Stop with the petty jealousy.
[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
[quote]DoubleDuce wrote:
[quote]Biskui wrote:
[quote]nephorm wrote:
There is always going to be some guy somewhere - work, school, hobbies, whatever - that she can form an emotional bond with when times get rough. That’s no reason to even try to ban having opposite sex friends. I don’t even see how this works. You have no right, as a boyfriend, to require your girlfriend to give up her friends. If you feel that a certain friend is taking advantage or is inappropriate, you can voice your concern. If a woman I were dating required me to stop contacting friends arbitrarily, I would drop her, instead. If you then get married, is this part of the vows? “To have and to hold, in sickness and health, giving up all friends of the opposite sex.”
You can’t protect yourself from everything. This is the relationship equivalent of removing monkey-bars from playgrounds. If you can’t trust a woman to be faithful to you, then don’t marry her.[/quote]
You just said everything.
[/quote]
It isn’t that you get to force or must give up exclusive friends when you get married. It’s that, in a healthy marriage, you shouldn’t need or desire them.
If your wife needs to spend time with male friends on the phone, the need is the problem, not the act of talking.[/quote]
Not sure I agree with this. I don’t have any exclusive “friends”, but I have exclusive atmospheres that my wife is not a part of. T-Nation is one of them.
They’re not a huge part of my life, but my wife is not a part of them. [/quote]
I mentioned this earlier. My wife is invited into everything I do, she doesnâ??t always join me though. Would you try to stop her from reading what you write on here? Or would you be offended if she logged on and posted too? What I mean by exclusive is intentional separation. Having a relationship that you donâ??t want your spouse to be a part of is bad, but they donâ??t have to be a part of everything.[/quote]
I’m not sure if I can articulate, but I think it’s perfectly natural to want some time away from the wife every once in a while. These boards provide that for me, without me actually getting away.
I don’t necessarily care if she reads what I write, but I’m not sure how I’d feel if she popped up and started posting here, haha.
[quote]nephorm wrote:
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
Good post, but I think you’re still missing the point a bit.
I don’t outlaw my wife having friends of the opposite sex. I trust her and she does have a couple friends from high school that she’ll see from time to time or go to a soccer game with on occasion.
I have no problem with any of that.
When my wife starts spending an inordinate amount of time on the phone with said guy, texting said guy constantly and becoming a little “too friendly”, that’s when I know something is up. I know my wife is up to no good (even if she doesn’t know it yet) and I damn sure know the guy is up to no good (and he knows damn well what he’s up to).
So for me, I’m not putting restrictions on who my wife can be friends with, but if the relationships get too friendly, I know something is up and I have a right to call bullshit. And the guy has a right to get socked in the face. [/quote]
I understand, and I think it’s perfectly reasonable to express concern if you think a particular relationship is inappropriate. That said, given this hypothetical, the first thing I would do is ask myself if I’ve been taking her for granted, or haven’t given her what she needs emotionally. That would be the time to evaluate whether I’ve been making enough time for the two of us, doing things we both enjoy, and maintaining the bond between us, in a non-needy, secure way. If I’ve been doing all of that, or I start again and the relationship continues, that would be the time to bring it up to her. Taking all of this with the hugest grain of salt, of course, since I am not married and have never been.
Long story short, I don’t disagree with your hypothetical reaction. I disagree with a blanket ban or ultimatum.
[/quote]
It actually sounds like we’re in complete agreement.
[quote]csulli wrote:
[quote]super saiyan wrote:
I think you’re mostly right about predispositions but things can develop slowly over time. Especially where a spouse begins to confide in a friend about things their spouse does or says. They feel like that friend listens and cares about them causing deeper emotional bonds which then increases the likelihood of romantic feelings.
Or they are going through a rough patch with their spouse and turn to the friend for emotional comfort.
Like I mentioned with the co-workers going to lunch. It’s not like they met up and banged on the first lunch date. Some of these people had been friends for months or even years and started out with no intention of cheating.
That’s why I think it’s best to keep yourself out of the situation in the first place.[/quote]
Spot on.[/quote]
I think that’s pretty true. I tend to do it off of a case by case basis and if you feel uncomfortable sit down and have a talk with her being as open and honest as possible. If she cant respect your wishes and you do the same for her than why be with her.
[quote]adamhum wrote:
How appropriate is it for your wife or girlfriend to have male friends which they talk to on the phone? Not gay friends, regular guys.[/quote]
If I speak with another woman on the phone regurarly, I am either having sex with her or I want to. I believe the same stands true for a woman. So, not cool talking to guys or going out for drinks with them
[quote]LankyMofo wrote:
I’m not sure if I can articulate, but I think it’s perfectly natural to want some time away from the wife every once in a while.
[/quote]
I purposely used the word need, and not want.
[quote]countingbeans wrote:
“Game” only works on whores that would have more like than not, fucked you anyway.
[/quote]
Tell yourself that, makes it easier for me.
Thank you, keep up the good work.
Back to the scheduled programming.
Now, theoretically, lets say I was in a committed relationship.
Would I accept it if she told me who to see?
If I had “platonic” female friends that is?
No?
But if I gave my word, I would keep it.
That would not mean that I would trust her to keep hers, but she would have to state that explicitly and not just in some roundabout bullshit innuendo that comes close to believable deniability, i.e. covering her ass, that nothing sexual is going to happen.
Makes it so much easier to dump her if she lied to you.
I think people tend to overcomplicate things too much… Things will happen the way they should and in best interest, why do we need to control everything?
When I am with my girlfriend I just trust her and that she will make the best decisions for both of us as I do, If there is infedility then its going to happen whether or not you try and control it, and if it does happen then good it shows how much you two don’t belong together and gives you the strength to move on without wanting to get back with exes all the time. It still stings like a bitch but basically it takes two people to do it and If you can’t trust a person to make their own decisions then why are you with them in the first place?
I have one really good chick friend who I have known since we were kids. She has a boyfriend and we still hang out. Her boyfriend is very cool and I hang out with both of them sometimes too. I have no intentions of sleeping with her ever. I think our friendship is a little different than most male/female relationships because we have known each other for like 28 years.