Sometimes the resolutions or changes people make are ideas that have been simmering for weeks or months. You’re right, if it’s important to someone, they won’t wait. But waiting is a bit different than preparing.
It often takes a person a while to wrap their minds around what it’d look like to become a person who does XYZ every day. If they’re serious about changing, they’ll ask, “what sacrifices would need to be made, and am I willing to make those?”
If there’s a habit I’ve been resisting, I also have to let my mind ruminate on all the problems that (have already or will) occur as a consequence of not adopting that habit.
This is mental preparation, and it’s so essential that if I don’t do enough of it, I won’t stick to something. It’s just too easy to do the easier thing.
Yes, there’s such a thing as analysis paralysis, but this is different than that. This is like convincing your brain – the side that wants to just go with the flow and do whatever is already habitual – that the efforts to change will be worth it. And once you’ve truly convinced it of that, breaking the good habit (once you start it) will be more difficult than it was to even start the habit.
Usually those who do this type of mental prep will start slowly taking steps toward the habits they’re most wanting to create way before January first.
But I absolutely get what you mean. The people who say stuff like, “I’ll start Monday” or “I’ll start when the holidays are over” struggle to hold themselves accountable in general.
That’s a mighty big list. Congrats on all the headway you’ve made! What does that last one look like for you? What will you be doing and how will you act when you’re self-actualized?
Spontaneous snacks and dinnertime carbs (maybe cut them in half). And, for once, I’d measure things like walnuts in my morning protein/berry bowl instead of just throwing them in.
Honestly, it will look a lot like it already does - I’m just unpacking a lifetime of Nice Guy™ behaviors and covert contracts. I already know everything I need to know, it’s just a matter of applying it to everything in my life now.
I know I need to figure out what the hell I want out of life, but I’ve never been in a better position to figure that out than where I’m at now. Once I figure that out, I think I’ll actually be at a point where “self-actualization” can go back to being a dumb term again.
This is surprising because usually parents seem to have it all figured out. They want to raise happy healthy people and have an awesome family life.
Have you ever read Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl? It’s been years since I’ve read it, but it might be time for a refresher. When it comes to the whole, figuring-life-out thing, that book kinda nails it.
lol I don’t feel like I have anything figured out.
I do want those things, but that’s not enough for me. That sounds narcissistic and selfish, but it’s true. I cannot accept that my entire identity is relegated to “husband, father, payer of bills”.
I just need more than that.
Sorry, that got deep.
I haven’t read this book but I’ll add it to my reading list, thank you.
Been a while since I have read that book, it’s a great one.
I also like a lot of Alan Watts’ philosophy. He has a few books and there are tons of recordings from his lectures on YouTube. Awesome to listen to for walks. He talks about everything from work, religion, money and letting go. He is big on Zen, letting go, and interpreting eastern religions.
I really enjoyed the Huberman clip, and am not at all surprised by it. What I love most about him is his joy and wonder in what he does along with his desire to share it. To me, those things go hand-in-hand with a spiritual base, though not necessarily religion.
I find the world we inhabit such an exquisite system, I can’t imagine thinking it’s due to random happenstance. That a single-celled organism slimed out of the ocean - which itself was a random accident - and slowly evolved into people and everything else strikes me as ludicrous. I’m glad Huberman feels the same!
Also, I like your decision to try to complain less. A few years ago I was thinking about resolutions (which I generally don’t take seriously…if I need to make change, generally it seems wise to just go ahead with it) and decided to go with my usual: “be more patient.” And then I realized that I don’t generally behave impatiently, mostly because of my job, so it’s just something I feel, and it’s not a pleasant feeling. It’s made a huge change for me. When I’m behind a stupid driver or stalled by an inconsiderate shopper at the grocery store and feel that internal heating up, I just remember I don’t want to feel that, and it pretty immediately dissipates. I’ll try that with the complaining, which I think is a close cousin to the impatience.
Seconded. He’s not pushy or pretentious, but rather kinda sweet about it.
That is some awesome self control you’re able to tap into. Do you think that’s doable with other unpleasant feelings?
The embarrassing thing about complaining was realizing how often I do it (all the time) and how silly those complaints are. Bad weather is going to happen. Aches and pains are going to happen. Sleepless nights are going to happen. All that stuff is just part of life and I can reframe them as something positive.
Thanks, interesting to see the various approaches, assuming you stay fairly lean year round and just pull these few levers for a short period to get you back on track?
Snap, but replace months with entire lifetime, one thing I’ve noticed over and over again with guys who really stay looking great year round (and don’t count calories or run constant cuts) is consistency in the cardio dept, I’m sure there are exceptions to that, but cardio seems like a mandatory to just being overall awesome.
I don’t think it’s self-control, though. I think it’s a recognition that it’s dumb, so why not let it go and have a happy day? I don’t know if it’ll work for complaining, but I would imagine at least some of it would fall under a realization that I’m just making myself unhappy. Once I see that this is the case, I can sort of dismiss the feeling. Like…getting ready for Christmas I can tend to get stress-y and irritable. I’m a perfectionist, and I like things right. If I can notice that I’m doing it, I can self-talk myself down by remembering that JOY is the point. I love my family and want everything to be lovely, but at the end of the day what my family wants most is a happy me. They truly won’t care one bit if the lights on the mantle are uneven or my husband has flour-handprinted the kitchen making his ravioli and gnocchi. It’s fresh homemade pasta! And then the irritation just goes away.
Complaining is somewhat different in that there’s an external piece to it. “OMG, it’s cold outside!” is a shared sentiment, so is it connection-building? Probably, sometimes. Other times it’s just more internal misery.
You know, it absolutely could be in certain cases. But then I caught myself making angry sounds and cussing out loud while walking the dogs ALONE. And that was the moment that made me realize, I need to get a grip… otherwise I’m going to be the crazy lady in the neighborhood.
Exactly. That’s why I want to replace that irritation with something productive or even triumphant, like, “Suck it, wind! I’ve got allllll the layers on today!”
There was a girl on Instagram who told me a while back something that kinda helped. She said, “there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad gear.” And that actually prompted me to find stuff that ameliorates the discomfort to a great degree. It’s just a matter of putting it all on when needed.
Yeah, once you have your general diet and training principles in place, there’s not much fluctuation. So, without counting calories, my weight may shift up and down 5 pounds. (I weigh like once a year, so that’s a guess, but I can see it.) If that’s 5 pounds up, there’s only a few things to tweak around to get the extra fat off, and it doesn’t take long. And if there’s something coming up where I want to look extra lean, it’s a minor change in what I always do.
Cardio can help, but the calorie burn is actually pretty minimal. I mean, you could jog for 20 minutes or eat three bites less of dinner – about the same caloric change. Cardio’s value lies in general heart health and keeping you conditioned so you can train how you want (supersets without gassing out) and live how you want (hiking without bonking on the steep inclines). Cardio is pretty limited for pure fat loss. It’s more like something to add when you can’t/shouldn’t drop calories any lower: instead of eating less, you spend more.
Such a great question. I have this theory that complaining is addictive. So even if it’s only directed at one or two specific pet peeves, I believe the mindset can seep out and affect our perception of other things.
Have you ever been in a situation where something put you in a bad mood and then you couldn’t snap out of it even though you had good reason to be relieved or content?
This is part of that theory: At some point, if you get stuck in a cycle of complaining, you just become a generally grumpy person who looks for things to complain about.
Didn’t feel like going to the gym; went anyway!