We posted this question over on Twitter/X.
What’s your answer? Is it even possible? Do you even try? What about a family member or spouse situation where things get trickier?
A couple of the X responses:
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I’m a firm believer in the notion that humans (and really, all animals) will only do what they want to do. It’s reductionist, sure, but I counter that with solipsism. But I digress.
This becomes a question of “how do you make someone want to do something”, which, in turn is “how do you make someone feel a feeling or think a thought?” And, outside of Marvel Supervillain levels of hypnosis: you can’t.
No one is oblivious to the benefits of physical training at this point. We have too many positively affirmed cases, studies, anecdotes and personal experiences that demonstrate how positive it is to engage in regular exercise, even if it’s simply walking. We also have evidence of all the harm that comes from NOT exercising, along with other poor lifestyle decisions (smoking, overconsumption of processed carbs, fast food, Frankenfats, etc).
People still choose to do the harmful things and neglect to do the beneficial things because, no matter how much they may SAY they want to be healthy, what they REALLY want is immediate gratification. They want that dopamine hit now!
All I can do is strive to be a positive example OF the benefit of training, but I cannot make someone want to train. They have to want it themselves. And I say this as someone who absolutely HATES exercise. I just love the results more than I hate the exercise.
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Help them identify a why, so important to them, it compels them to train.
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Good one. Dr. Jade Teta went deep into that in a past T Nation article. Here’s a snippet:
If you want a person to change you have to be aware of the core needs of the human brain. Those needs are:
- Status
- Certainty
- Freedom
- Connection
- Fairness
- Meaning
Whether people are consciously aware of these needs or not, they are at play in every choice and decision they make. Four of these needs are at play in whether or not someone will pick up weight training or not.
Status can be thought of as achievement. If you’re going to introduce a person to the gym you want to make sure the experience they have is one they feel they can excel at. This is why you may want to start them out with simple moves where they can see quick results, like the deadlift or squat instead of complex moves like the power clean or snatch. It’s also why those who want to overcorrect on form may be inadvertently making their friend feel like a failure. Give them easy wins early to hit their status need.
Freedom and certainty are closely related. They’re like two sides of the same coin. When thinking about getting someone into lifting, be flexible on the approach and don’t view everything through the gym lens. Perhaps a home gym provides more freedom (train when they want) and certainty (a familiar environment). Not everyone sees the gym as an enjoyable place. In fact, many see it in a negative light – conjuring images of huge grunting men in string tank tops. While you may think that’s cool, they may see it as the last thing they want to associate with.
Connection is key. If you can turn the gym into a place where they can connect with like-minded individuals, that’s perfect. If the gym can be a place where you and your friend get quality time together, perfect.
Finally, and most importantly, meaning. We humans seek meaning above all else. If you can tie a person’s weight lifting pursuits to their chosen meaning you will succeed every time.
I had a patient who struggled with her fitness pursuit for years… until I shared a study with her that children adopt the healthy (or unhealthy) habits of their parents. Her purpose was her little girl who she wanted to instill strength and independence in. For the first time she connected the gym in her mind as a way to achieve that. She never looked back.
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IMO … nope. There are those who thrive in the gym and those who just want to be sedentary. It’s why you see the New Year’s resolution crowd every year for a couple months and then back to the same OGs.
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This was really funny when I thought about it.
Anyway, I think I’m in line with everyone that you can’t make someone do this. Maybe the question should be more along the lines of “how do you help someone who wants to train go from 0 to consistent?” Then I think we could break out tools about changing small behaviors, finding things they enjoy, small wins and rewiring their reward centers, etc.
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I agree on this too.
But you can show them what it looks like to love working out, to have high-energy, to be fit without caring about getting skinny, etc. I think sometimes the way you present yourself to people can accidentally plant a seed.
Only problem is the person who might come along and crush that seed. Because unfit spouses, family members, or friends often don’t like it when their loved ones get fit without them.
Saw this happen with my parents. They sabotaged each other!
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Maybe some trickery could be used, in a positive way for a good outcome (health, fat loss, hotness):
Example 1: Diet – I knew a lady once whose husband wanted to lose weight. She made his meals and packed his lunch, so she started removing some bad and adding some good. Weeks later, he told her something was wrong with his jeans: they were too loose. Had no idea he was eating yucky “diet” food i.e. real food.
Example 2: Exercise – When a guy’s wife said she wanted to lose weight, but didn’t have the get-up-and-go to do it, he told her that he’d like to spend more time with her, maybe something active they could do together. They took up pickleball. She lost weight.
What Not to Do
I’ve seen this over and over again. Wife/girlfriend wants to start training. Hubby/boyfriend talks her into lifting with him. She doesn’t like it, especially if he’s a “go heavy or go home” guy. She says the group fitness classes look fun and he poo-poos her idea because resistance training is better. She stops going to the gym.
Dude, she took a step in the right direction. Let that training bug bite her, then she’ll eventually do a group fitness class that uses little weights, then she’ll decide to hit the big-girl weights on her own volition. Play the long game.
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I think you crushed it here. Great advice all around and applicable to our kids as well as significant others. Let’s role model, set their world up for success, play with them, and celebrate them when they discover great behaviors. I love this.
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I am most likely the very extreme. I never talked weight lifting or bodybuilding with any of my fellow employees when I worked (1971 -2012). What is the point talking to someone about something they know nothing about? Just small talk. Also, I had begun to see my desire to lift weights more as an addiction than a decision.
Sure. I’ve been asked, “Do you lift weights?” “How much can you lift?” I rarely answered them directly and definitely not specifically.
Do I try to persuade someone to train? Not at all. If they want to train, they will find a way to train. I never tried to get any girl I was with to lift weights, but many did. Two were fairly good at it: One a bodybuilder and the other a powerlifter.
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Many people have formed their opinions of “working out” from TV–“Biggest Loser” type shows where agonized subjects are exhorted to go far beyond failure, or news/sports pieces showing elite athletes hitting huge weights for “one more rep!” Even throw-away segments in a movie have hardcore bro’s spotting someone yelling “One more rep or you’re a sissy!” So pop culture makes it seem like you have to beat yourself into oblivion to get any result.
Some people are more likely to start and continue weight training if they see that reasonable goals can be achieved, like with Starting Strength…a squat and a press variation most days, with a pull (like pullups or rows) for balance.
A huge factor in continuing the training is getting results. I recall picking the weights up again at 40 to improve my recovery from impending knee surgery. I didn’t get buff in a couple months, but my BP and HDL got much better. Continuing after the surgery, my weight on the scale didn’t change, but my shirts got tighter in the shoulders, and I had to add a hole in my belts to buckle them tighter. That got me re-hooked on “the iron.”
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Everyone that wants or will ever want an electric car has one. The only way to sell more will be by government force. Similarly, everyone who will ever train is already doing it in some way. They may be convinced to try something different, but there won’t be government mandated training. So you won’t get more people training, regardless of your persuasive ability. Nothing is 100%. But this is pretty close.
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Subliminal, get up and work-out like a motherfucking machine, messaging…make them think it was there decision!
Bombard their subconcious mind with the rocky 4 sound track (in barely audible bursts).
Employ really attractive women to lightly tease them for being a bit feeble.
Hire a really, hench, former geeky dude to bump into them in their local pub and explain to them how he single handedly saved 43 really obese orphans from almost certain death from a burning building and that his super-heroic feat was only possible because of his monstrous clean and press/farmers walk capabilities.
Mess with his FB feed algorithm so that he gets loads of: Your health insurance premiums would be so much lower if you looked a bit more like Rambo! adverts.
Convince him, on just one occasion to train with you and spike his pre-work-out drink with amphetamines to create a very euphoric mental association between training and feeling great!
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this sounds just a tad illegal… 
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None of us are nearly as persuasive as we’d like to believe. My uncle, a retired physician, summed up exercise advice better than anyone else I’ve ever heard.
“The best exercise is the exercise that you do.”
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One problem is you have people or businesses, industries even, that make a lot of money off keeping people fat, unhealthy and out of shape. And they will spend a lot of money to keep that conveyor belt of unhealthy Americans running.
Another problem is cultural in nature; the whole fat phobia movement that heifer Lizzo has become the face of. These people are doing a better job of convincing the out of shape, the unhealthy and the overweight that they aren’t the ones with a problem but rather it’s society with its unrealistic images of the ideal body and its concept of what a healthy diet should be that is itself a reflection of an unhealthy, almost fascist, view of food. Yes, hating donuts, Big Macs and soda is literally Hitler (he was a vegetarian). In other words, exercising, which is torturing yourself, and denying yourself certain “foods”, as well as counting calories, is akin to oppressing yourself. Add to this the woke argument that diet and exercise are manifestations of white supremacy (I wish this were Onionesque satire) and you can see how they are winning this battle. Have you ever seen a Planet Fitness commercial that mentioned, not emphasized but simply mentioned, the benefits of exercise?
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IME talking with gen pop, people don’t actually know how to train and eat for results. I’ve had a handful of cases of friends merely needing to be equipped with the right knowledge or tools. I’ve written a few very basic diets and training plans that completely shifted their perspectives, and voila…5 years later they’ve evolved and are still at it consistently. This actually happened to me too. I think we’ve been at this so long we often forget a time when we didn’t know what to do to get results. Sometimes that’s all the motivation it takes really. 99% of the people I talk to are convinced that they can’t actually grow or get lean without spending 3hr a day in the gym and taking steroids, because that’s the message they’ve been beaten over the head with.
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