[quote]Zooguido wrote:
Sorry to hear about the bad news, man. You can do it again, though. Just keep your head up and stay positive like you did last time.
Thanks for bringing me back down to earth. I’m gonna go train and fuck shit up now.[/quote]
Appreciate it and you’ve now just allowed me to sleep that much better tonight.
Woke up today and was able to finally move. I’ve been hooked up to a P.C.A pump for pain ever since I’ve gotten here and my pains finally starting to get under control. You think going through this a second time would be easier on me, but I actually feel a lot more uncomfterable. I think it’s the fact that I came here ecpecting some bad information about my back and knees and meanwhile it was relapse. Something that none of my labs had indicated, something that I talked about in previous posts about having no concern about what so ever. To here out of nowhere that I had relapsed, I immidiately thought of the time. Not 'Oh my god, I have aggressive cancer and I could die" it was more like “Fuck, best case scenario, I’m stuck here like 6 months, I have to drop out of school, explain this to my friends and I"m so far away from home” then I began to think of the whole horrendous process. Everything from the chemo, to radiation, to the catheter to the vomit/not vommiting ratio of days. To think about how I talk about what I went through and how incrdible it was that I made it through and now I’m expected to go through it again. Almost right after going through it the first time. It’s not that I’m scared or worried, I just want to get it over with and move on. I feel like this is just a punch to the stomach and I’ve lost all motivation. I have no intentions on returning to school, I just feel so far behind and like I’ve gotten/ am going to get nowhere going to school wher I’m at. I want a more hands on, real life experience strength and conditioning education without all these fucking bullshit general education requirements, like language classes, maths and all that bullshit. Chemos got me worn down this time around because going into chemo last time I had cancer my hemoglobin was in 40’s-50’s. This time I went in at 130’s-140’s so the drops are real noticeble. Before I was used to living in an incredibly sick state, now going back to that state from being healthy is tough. I still refuse to wate time in here though and have continued to do plenty of reading and will continue to learn as much as possible about strength and conditioning in the meantime. I’ve even arranged for a day pass out of the hospital sometimes next week when my blood counts are high enough to go to the local Barnes and Nobles to get some books. I also have a couple books that I had my parents bring from home that I’m working on like “The Essetials of Strebgth and Conditioning” and some other cool autobio’s to pick my brain and give me some inspiration.
Anyways this comp sucks and docs are coming in. My dad’s coming down with a better comp tmr. so I’ll have more posts with better qua;ity and pictures. Post back soon, cheers.
Way to stick with it dude. Getting some good training books to peruse should help with the whole “keeping busy” stuff. Keep trucking though. Best wishes.
Glad to see you still have a huge amount of fight in you, that will undoubtedly make your recovery come a whole lot quicker. Keep us posted buddy!
Hey buddy,
Just wishing you all the best for your next battle.
I know you can do it. Keep positive. Fight this thing.
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…scroll down, sorry.
Thanks to all the replys and I’m feeling good today by the way. I’ve just become very depressed with the whole situation though. Everything was just going so good and after this semester I was going to be into what I consider the “cool classes” I can’t take the fact that most people I know are going to be done their degree’s by the time I’m completing my 1st year. I’m really thinking about switching or dropping this whole degree I’m currently pursuing. I want to get into Strength and Conditioning, but find myself improving my knowledge 10 x what I would in class through clearing off shelves at ELITE and Amazon, rather than going to lecture and learning about the fucking krebs cycle for the 15th time. My lab work was decent today, but I still required both RBC and platelet transfusions. My bodies fucking wrecked and I look like a fat overwight little girl. I weigh 137 and just can’t deal with this shit anymore. On the good side of tghings, my WBC and neutrophils are on the rise with no evidence if peripheral blasts, so perhaps we’ll be able to perform a bone marrow biopsy fairly soon and that way we can see where my blasts are at. So far it looks like I should be pretty close to remmision and hopefully ready for a transplant within the next few months.
I don’t know if anyone recalls me talking about how they think they’ve found a link between those born with congenital lymphedema and the development of Leukemia. Anyways there’s a gene called GATA-2 that they’ve discovered in those that have untraceble and unexplainable lymphedema and those who develop the exact Leukemia I have. Turns out I tested positive for the gene and the studies being done here. Therefore I’ll probably be able to sign ontoa protocol that they’ll make specially for me and hopefully be part of a major medical breakthrough. All of this is unpublished, in theworks studies, so to be part would be cool…I guess. Now when they see someone born with lymphedema they ca test them for the GATA-2 gene and make a prediction as to what will happen down the road or at least be aware of potential risks, maybe preventing a horrific situation like mine or saving someone else’s life before it’s too late.
Anyways, I’m ripped as fuck off this benedryll and morphine, so I’m going to go get some readng in and post back sometime soon. Cheers.
My posts have been kind of random and lame lately, but I’ve had a lot on my mind, a lame computer and not much time between depression and feeling like shit. Here’s some random stuff to chew on:
Lesson: Never, never, never give up.
“I have to believe that when things are bad I can change them.”
In James J. Braddock we learn one of the most " if not the most " important lesson one can learn: never give up. No matter how dark things get, no matter how hopeless the future looks, giving up can never be an option.
Lesson: How to be a leader.
“History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.”
Too often we fall in line with what others think. We mold ourselves to become more liked and accepted. Being a leader isn’t about adapting so that more people will like you, it’s about leading the life that coincides with who you are.
Lesson: Finding light amidst darkness.
“If you want peace with your enemy, you have to work with your enemy. Then he becomes your partner.”
We all have lows. We have dark times that seem like they’ll never end. Within this darkness some find light and opportunity, while others only see pain and sadness.
The thing is, we all have the ability to find opportunity where there seems to be none, but only a select few take charge of themselves and do so. Those that do are heroes. Those that don’t live in self-pity.
Nelson Mandela is one of those people who created a great life out of terrible circumstance. It didn?t just happen – he made it happen.
Optimism isn’t ignoring the bad and only focusing on the good. It?s acknowledging the bad, but refusing to let it dominate you. Mandela had a clear understanding of the hell that he was in, but chose to find ways to become better and move forward, when others around him let their bitterness and hate get the best of them.
Lesson: It’s not where you start, but where you finish that matters most. There’s no substitute for hard work.
It doesn’t where we start. What matters is where we end up. We might not have the best genetics or the most money; we might not be the smartest, or the funniest. But we all have the ability to hustle. And, as we see, we can all work hard and make something of our lives.
Hope everyone’s holding down the weights for me, night.
Also my testosterone has gone even lower…doctors are officially fucking morons…
Beautiful post. I’m in awe of your strength. Thank you for sharing it.
I don’t know you, but I am thinking about you.
Thanks for the post, it was inspirational and motivating as always. Although things probably seem all kinds of shitty, from what you have posted things definitely seem like they are improving or at the very least you now know of the options you have at your disposal to beat this thing again.
I definitely agree with what you posted regarding your school situation. Don’t put up with bullshit if you don’t want to, life is not worth wasting dealing with unnecessary crap. Carve your own path in life and pursue what ever you want to pursue with every ounce of passion and enthusiasm you have. That is absolutely the only way to succeeded at anything in life.
I’ve been smashing weights everyday this week with you in mind, keep us posted!
@ Nadia + Phlegms Thanks for following and the support.
As I wake today, I call 3 nurses in to assist me to sit up in my bed. Once I’m in a seated position I need my hands to be holding onto something so that I can support myself as if I was doing a dip. I take one hamd and throw it to my walker as fast as I can and then the other. Once in that position I continue to support myself as if I were doing a dip. I have a nurse grab me under my arm on either side and another grab me in a bear hug position. On the count of 3 we combine all 4 of our efforts in attempt to stand up. Once lifted up I’m now supported by my walker. I have 3 people escort me to Physical Therapy where I continue to do re-hab so that I can hopefully one day walk again or at least sit up, unsupported without the help of 3 people bearing all my weight and numerous braces.
They managed to get me on the bike, where I was able to pedal om the easiest level for 5 minutes. I think I had a little more in the tank but with the bike facing the mirror, I looked into it and began to cry thinking of being in the gym less than a month ago, throwing aound weights, having people tell me how great I looked, gaining weight, 6 pack abs and progressing each and every day. Blood than began to run out my nose and down my face. I was exhausted and couldn’t beleive how pathetic it was. I weighed 138 pounds today. All of this over 5 days of chemotherapy. I’ve been here about 3 weeks and to think of how fast my body’s just deteriated and been destroyed is incredible. It’s mind blowing to think that over a years worth of being back in the gym and living life as normal can all be tooken away within a couple days. To think my body can just destroy itself at such an exponential rate so quickly is mind blowing.
I’m just confused and don’t really know what to make of the situation. I don’t even really care about what lies ahead in terms of the whole cancer situation. It just seems like nothing to me. Today my Neutrophils and WBC counts are up, this means they’ll do a biopsy soon. Most likely I’ll be in remission, if not probably after another round and then they’ll transplant me. Doesn’t seem overly complicated or crazy to me. We know what’s wrong, we know how to fix it and now all we have to do is fix it. I think this will all be nothing for me, but a small chapter in my book of life. I’m already thinking of what I have to do when I get out of here. Keep moving forward, doing what I was doing and get back at it.
I guess it just sucks because I was doing so well and headed right where I wanted to be and now it was interupted by this. Anyways, lunch is here. Post back another time. Cheers.
“I’m exhausted trying to stay healthy, but I’m still healthy as can be. I’ve made a promise to myself to be a 100% healthy person if nothing else.”
Thinking about every day my man. Keep fighting. You are an inspiration to us all.
Marc
You said it yourself, this is only a minor chapter in your life. Once this is over you can get past this sub-plot and onto the main meat of the text. Thats the bit I’m looking forward to.
Still smashing the weights in your name while you’re resting up!
Woke up in the worst shape since I’ve been here this morning. 131lbs. I’m going to have a lengthy, giant post tomorrow because I have a lot to say and catch up on. I apologize for the lack of posts, but tomorrrow I will redeem myself. The kids from ped oncology are coming up for trick or treating anyways, so I need to gown up and go hand out candy. There’s a couple who are in too rough of shape to make it up, so I’m gonna head down and bring the treats to them. No child should miss Halloween because of cancer, so I’m going to have an escort wheel me down to hand out some candy to them. On this night, I just ask that if you’re healthy…you take advantage.
Tomorrow’s post will include:
-My day, today
-Training talk
-Update on my health
-Plans for my health
-Nutrition talk
-My goals
-My plan on how to get the fuck out of here
-Hopefully some pictures…bluetooth is fucjed here, soo we’ll see
Happy Halloween, Cheers!
Hey buddy?
Keep us posted.
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You are one inspirational dude. Keep that fighting spirit.
Hope you’re making your way towards a steady recovery, chief. I’m looking forward to your next post. Hang in there.
Very inspirational, really makes me appreciate how lucky I am and want to make the most of it.
You’re clearly an incredibly strong person, regardless of what your body lets you do physically. Eagerly awaiting an update. Stay strong.
I hear a bang on the door, it’s the doctors doing morning rounds. The head of the transplant team does most of the speaking and he said it’s probably best I go home for the weekend and go see and visit everyone that I want and do the things i want to do. He told me that after this weekend I’ll be there for 6 months to a year and that regardless of that i have a <10% chance of surviving. He told me that he doesn’t think I’m going to make it and that he’s not pushing me through all treatment possible like my previous doctor did. Even though my blasts cells where at 40-50% last time my doctor still pushed me through transplant telling me that I had nothing to lose because I would die regardless and because of the fact that I was so young. All the studies and statistics and data were irrelevant to me in my situation as an 18 year old. So anyways I did a bone marrow biopsy on friday, I won’t know the results till tuesday, so I decided to come home for the weekend to hang out with friends, see my dog and clear my mentality. When I get back on Tuesday I’ll get the results and we’ll go from there If the blasts cells are low then we go ahead with chemo/myeloablative preparatory regimen and get ready for transplant. If they havn’t lowered or have risen then we still continue with chemo, just perhaps a different regimen in hopes of lowering them in order so that I can receive a transplant. Good news is we can use the same donor as last time, so we don;t have to go through the painstaking and nerve wracking process of trying to find a match. I really don’t see why they’re so down and worried, I’m really not. The way I see it I’m in way better shape then last time. Lower blasts, better counts, already have a donor lined up. It’s just like heres what I have, here’s what we’ve got to do, now we just have to do it. I know it’s a lot easier said than done, but I’m there getting treatment, so I really don;t see what there;s to get bent out of shape about. I always see people there crying and I don’t understand because they’re there taking care of the situation.
As far as training I’ve been working hard with Occupational and Physical Therapy in order to re-learn how to walk. I’m doing some corrective rehab on my entire posterior chain with my low back and also my working on my legs from all angles. We do a lot of band work and work within the paralell bars. We do a fair amount of cycling and arm cycling as well. It’s tough, but it gives me something to look forward to and keeps my life in a regular state. I treat it just as if I were going to the gym, I have it at the same time everyday and take it very seriously. It’s healthy for me both physically and mentally.
As far as diet, I’ve really got to clean it up, but it’'s so hard between the hospital food and all the ensure/boost shakes they try and cram down your throat. I look disgusting with a gut growing at an exponential rate. I have the whole pot belly, skinny arm thing going on. They do give me these kick ass Juvin shakes that have 10g of glutamine and 5g BCAA in every serving and they tastes awesome. I’ve been eating a lot of junk food that I need to cut out, I’ve just been having crazy cravings and feeling sorry for myself.
I’ve got to get back to setting goals and doing daily logs/journals. This way I won’t fall short on getting things done and will get the most done that I can we’ll trapped in the hospital. I’m going to get plenty of reading done and actually picked up some new reads from Human Kinetics
-Tapering and Peaking for Optimal Performance
-Cancer and Exercise
-Advanced Fitness Assessment and exercise Prescription
-NSCA’s Essentials to Personal Training
-Principles and Practice of Resistance Training
and a couple others but cant remember off the top of myhead. I’m also going to look into getting my NSCA cert, considering you don’t need a degree to get the cert for personal trainers. As far as school, I think I’m going to switch to a 2 year program at a college called Fitness and Health Promotion, get that done real quick and then transfer those credits to a U and get my degree in 3-4 years and have 2 credentials to show for it. you essentially get 2 programs done in 4 years. A much easier and smarter route in my opinion. For any non canadians you wouldn’t understand, in Canada College and University are 2 very different things* Anyways, back to D.C tmr. i’ll post back as soon as I can. oh yeah my test is uhhhhhhhhh (brace yourself) 66.
Have a great week and go hard, cheers.
“I’m exhausted trying to stay healthy. I’ve made a promise to myself to be a 100% healthy person if nothing else.”
You’ll be in my prayers. Your attitude is awesome, stay strong buddy.
No doubt in my mind you can do this, thanks for keeping us posted.
