Borderline Personality Disorder

Off Topic
41

[quote]IamMarqaos wrote:

[quote]MaximusB wrote:
Can someone please provide some kind of definition of BPD, other than me looking on Google ?

I am curious to hear input from people who dealt with those who suffered from BPD. [/quote]

Very difficult Max. It is diagnosed through what has been experienced by the one living with it, and the one going through it. Most agree that people suffering from this have extreme abandonment issues and deal with them by trying to exert complete control over whom they are afraid to lose.

That control will manifest itself physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually. They will try to break you down and isolate you from everything they perceive to be competition. These include your friends, family, pets, church, school, hobbies and work place.

They want you at their beck and call 24/7 and will damage your possessions and your person to make that happen. Nothing matters but their own feelings and how you and your kids reflect on them.

Not easy to diagnose, at all. But a shrink will know it when he sees one, I guarantee it.[/quote]

Sounds like FUBAR on steroids. I am wondering if I am dealing with someone who suffers from this is why I ask.

42

What was formerly referred to as sociopathic, is now referred to as Antisocial Personality Disorder. (Again, still cluster B, and at the extreme.)

43

[quote]IamMarqaos wrote:

[quote]comus3 wrote:

[quote]Crutchless wrote:
Thanks all, really. Its good to not feel like Im the one who?s going crazy, as Ive been receiving blame as the bad guy from her for the exact same thing she has been doing to me for years. I will start documenting all I can and build my case against her. Also check out those books.

I learned early on- that if I react back at her, as a normal person does when being attracted (physically and mentally), then she goes Full Bitch Monster on me and uses the kids no different than a spoiled kid who wont let anyone play with her toys. But after being in a few wars with her- I know to never become emotionally fueled all no matter what the assault on me is like- and remaining calm as a Hindu cow is my best option as I try to talk her down to normal.

The biggest crap that gets to me is when she explodes and loses control in a fit of red rage. There is nothing I can do except to protect the kids and myself- while hoping she won?t see that as a challenge of her ‘dont tell me what to do you cant control me’. But not being able to change her- is something im having to accept.

Totally, all this shit is from her past childhood. I heard the same story over and over again that she was never treated right or how those who raised her were fuck ups that taught her how NOT to love and survival of the fittest applies above all. She rebels, starts to grow a shell. And this is when the superman in me comes out to rescue her from that and convince her that she does deserve love after all.

All this would seem manageable- except the fits of bloody rage that explode like a dam IED. Thank god for lifting- my true escape and peace in the world.
[/quote]

In all seriousness. Don’t try to manage. Get out. Let her seek help if she wants it, but you can’t do anything about that. Pay your child support, etc if you have to, do what it takes for the kids, but seriously, get out. Life is too short to put up with this.
[/quote]

It is not that easy. “Getting out” needs to be done the right way legally otherwise you leave yourself open to be sued for abandonment. You will than end up barely seeing your kids and paying through the nose. Additionally the court will than give her all the power over the kids and their time with you. In the hands of a good, decent woman that is no problem, in the hands of a woman with BPD you might as well start saving for your kids therapy bills now.

You mention; ‘do what it takes for your kids’, but you do not know what that entails. [/quote]

You can make more money. You can’t buy back lost years.

44

[quote]comus3 wrote:

You can make more money. You can’t buy back lost years.[/quote]

You are only as old as the woman you feel.

45

Dialectical Behavioral Therapy can fix the majority of the symptoms, but it will take a lot of work on her part. Google Marsha Linehan. The key will be finding a quality therapist that wont refuse to work with her.

46

Had a really bad experience with a BPD girl when I was a teen, damn near ruined my life.

I can’t say I have much sympathy for them, at least where most of them are concerned. Its not really their fault, they are mentally ill, and often is a product of childhood sexual abuse and what not, but a lot of refuse to seek help or to even acknowledge they have an issue. They thrive on the drama and at best, its exhausting to be around them and at worst, simply dangerous.

I’m not married and I don’t have kids so I don’t think I can give you advice pertinent to that situation, I imagine it complicates the whole debacle dramatically.

What I can say from my experience, is you need to either GTFO and find a normal chick or refuse to pander to her bullshit until she realizes that she needs to change or at least seek help. That means not giving into the drama, and it means neglecting her when shes behaving hysterically.

Just bear in mind the latter may not be a road you really want to go down, these people do stupid stupid things when they aren’t getting their way, be prepared for anything from suicide threats/attempts (usually more along the lines of “pay attention to me” than actual serious attempts to end their lives) to her getting pounded out by other dudes just to cause drama.

47

[quote]Crutchless wrote:

Does anyone deal with this and has any advice?

SO one day she comes into your life and seems to be the missing link to everything your heart desires. This long lost soul mate listens whole heartily and gives a lot of attention to the details and inner thinking of your life. Naturally, you are drawn in- you begin to take care of her and the months go by. Going out of your way to help for any type of issues; you truly are the Night in Shining Armor.

Even those ‘bad days’ when she explodes, you stand patiently by and lovingly pick up the pieces- thinking that we all have bad days. You decide to get married and then begin to notice everything was an act months after the honeymoons era wear off.

But then she stops caring about your life, and joys, and active communication, and donst make time or seem to give a shit- there is also now a ton of endless woes and horrible negative things that now seem to consume her life. Things that are only self created negative crap to get that loving attention you provide. You still respond as the Night in Shining Armor that you always have been and are, and continue to give everything of yourself. She responds and appears to show signs of love, and all is well in the world. Cycles of this continue over and over again. Except one day you stand your ground, had enough, and tell her you dont take to kindly to such treatment and dont understand why you dont care about me in return.

As if being in-Love for her, only means being pampered and treated exceptionally by yourself, while not receiving anything in return- and when that love she experiences from you is wrongly conducted (due to whatever minor triggers are received in a way that makes her feel hurt)- she explodes.

Then, she sees she is about to lose her Night in Shining armor, corrects herself, and goes back to the honeymoon mode of operation before enough time passes by. And cycles repeat- Honeymoon wonder girl. Bitch. Clinging please forgive me Make up. Repeat.

I found online this is called Borderline Personality Disorder. And trust me, since being married, i found out her past goes hand in hand with BPS. Does anyone deal with this and has any advice? sadly- 3 young kids are involved.
[/quote]

You will split up, and you will feel relief for about three days, followed by immense regret, followed by the aching feeling of her gone from your everyday life. You will remember all of the good moments an none of the bad. You will have long, lonely, soul-searching nights, at least on the bights you are not having meaningless, unfulfilling sex, or chain smoking and drinking yourself into oblivion. You will write her letters, and eventually arrange to meet her in an Italian restaurant, along with the children. You will have a wonderful evening, feeling like a family again, and one of both of you will hint at maybe giving it another try. Finally, after weeks of anxious phone calls, you will joyously welcome her and the children back to the heretofore empty house, which once again feels like a home. And after a month, maybe two, you will remember why you split up in the first place.

And so it goes.

Until at some point, you ask yourself what is more valuable to you: your intact family, your belongings and your house…or your sanity. You will make a decision, and that decision will be irrevocable.

And whatever you choose, you will always wonder whether you made the right choice.

If it’s any consolation, I know more or less how you feel.

Cheers.

48

[quote]Varqanir wrote:

[quote]Crutchless wrote:

Does anyone deal with this and has any advice?

SO one day she comes into your life and seems to be the missing link to everything your heart desires. This long lost soul mate listens whole heartily and gives a lot of attention to the details and inner thinking of your life. Naturally, you are drawn in- you begin to take care of her and the months go by. Going out of your way to help for any type of issues; you truly are the Night in Shining Armor.

Even those ‘bad days’ when she explodes, you stand patiently by and lovingly pick up the pieces- thinking that we all have bad days. You decide to get married and then begin to notice everything was an act months after the honeymoons era wear off.

But then she stops caring about your life, and joys, and active communication, and donst make time or seem to give a shit- there is also now a ton of endless woes and horrible negative things that now seem to consume her life. Things that are only self created negative crap to get that loving attention you provide. You still respond as the Night in Shining Armor that you always have been and are, and continue to give everything of yourself. She responds and appears to show signs of love, and all is well in the world. Cycles of this continue over and over again. Except one day you stand your ground, had enough, and tell her you dont take to kindly to such treatment and dont understand why you dont care about me in return.

As if being in-Love for her, only means being pampered and treated exceptionally by yourself, while not receiving anything in return- and when that love she experiences from you is wrongly conducted (due to whatever minor triggers are received in a way that makes her feel hurt)- she explodes.

Then, she sees she is about to lose her Night in Shining armor, corrects herself, and goes back to the honeymoon mode of operation before enough time passes by. And cycles repeat- Honeymoon wonder girl. Bitch. Clinging please forgive me Make up. Repeat.

I found online this is called Borderline Personality Disorder. And trust me, since being married, i found out her past goes hand in hand with BPS. Does anyone deal with this and has any advice? sadly- 3 young kids are involved.
[/quote]

You will split up, and you will feel relief for about three days, followed by immense regret, followed by the aching feeling of her gone from your everyday life. You will remember all of the good moments an none of the bad. You will have long, lonely, soul-searching nights, at least on the bights you are not having meaningless, unfulfilling sex, or chain smoking and drinking yourself into oblivion. You will write her letters, and eventually arrange to meet her in an Italian restaurant, along with the children. You will have a wonderful evening, feeling like a family again, and one of both of you will hint at maybe giving it another try. Finally, after weeks of anxious phone calls, you will joyously welcome her and the children back to the heretofore empty house, which once again feels like a home. And after a month, maybe two, you will remember why you split up in the first place.

And so it goes.

Until at some point, you ask yourself what is more valuable to you: your intact family, your belongings and your house…or your sanity. You will make a decision, and that decision will be irrevocable.

And whatever you choose, you will always wonder whether you made the right choice.

If it’s any consolation, I know more or less how you feel.

Cheers. [/quote]

Um…

x2

… and NO it was not worth it goddammit!!!

49

[quote]comus3 wrote:
I think most men have one in their lives at some point. They usually come with great tits. Run. Seriously. [/quote]

Swear to god man, 6 months out of a relationship just like that. the above quote is fucking spot on. I’m so glad I didn’t have kids by her. Good luck man, run, don’t walk, run.

50

[quote]Varqanir wrote:
You will split up, and you will feel relief for about three days, followed by immense regret, followed by the aching feeling of her gone from your everyday life. You will remember all of the good moments an none of the bad. You will have long, lonely, soul-searching nights, at least on the bights you are not having meaningless, unfulfilling sex, or chain smoking and drinking yourself into oblivion. You will write her letters, and eventually arrange to meet her in an Italian restaurant [/quote]
Definitely NOT how it was for me. I was happier immediately and grew happier still as the days drew on. All I could think about how much less stressful everything was without her and how thankful I was to have not wasted any more of my life. A year later I’m feeling better than ever!

Maybe it’s totally different for people with kids though I dunno.

51

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]Varqanir wrote:
You will split up, and you will feel relief for about three days, followed by immense regret, followed by the aching feeling of her gone from your everyday life. You will remember all of the good moments an none of the bad. You will have long, lonely, soul-searching nights, at least on the bights you are not having meaningless, unfulfilling sex, or chain smoking and drinking yourself into oblivion. You will write her letters, and eventually arrange to meet her in an Italian restaurant [/quote]
Definitely NOT how it was for me. I was happier immediately and grew happier still as the days drew on. All I could think about how much less stressful everything was without her and how thankful I was to have not wasted any more of my life. A year later I’m feeling better than ever!

Maybe it’s totally different for people with kids though I dunno.[/quote]

You probably rode the wave for too long.

Now you KNOW it was not worth it and you dont wonder.

On the one hand you might have gotten the whole experience, on the other, you might not know when to fold.

52

[quote]prizm wrote:

[quote]comus3 wrote:
I think most men have one in their lives at some point. They usually come with great tits. Run. Seriously. [/quote]

Swear to god man, 6 months out of a relationship just like that. the above quote is fucking spot on. I’m so glad I didn’t have kids by her. Good luck man, run, don’t walk, run.[/quote]
I hope your avatar matches your lifts.

53

[quote]comus3 wrote:
I think most men have one in their lives at some point. They usually come with great tits. Run. Seriously. [/quote]

Swear to god man, 6 months out of a relationship just like that. the above quote is fucking spot on. I’m so glad I didn’t have kids by her. Good luck man, run, don’t walk, run.

54

Crutchless- You were still there after she blew up and you had to pick up the pieces. You think of yourself as a knight in shining armor. Isn’t that special. You stuck around and put up with this behavior long enough to have 3 kids.

You’re still there, and desperate enough to ask for help from total strangers on a weight lifting forum. You’re in need of therapy as well, sucker. Anyone who puts up with crap like that more than once has a problem. That’s not love. It’s called low self image and a co-dependence problem.

You want advice? Grow some balls and get out of there, fool. Saying that to someone like you is like whistling in the wind. You won’t go. You’re a “Night in Shining Armor” who has to stay, because that’s what makes you feel like a man.

To the posters who have been physically assaulted and stuck around for more, I guess I just don’t understand. I’ve never in that situation, but if it ever happened to me once it would be the last time I ever spoke to that person. Call me cold, but I’d turn my back and never regret it. Women come and women go, but freedom and respect are primary.

FYI, I’ve been married for 15 years to a good woman. We have our differences, we’ve had our quarrels, but never once have we laid hands on each other in anger. Never.

55

[quote]orion wrote:
You probably rode the wave for too long.

Now you KNOW it was not worth it and you dont wonder.

On the one hand you might have gotten the whole experience, on the other, you might not know when to fold. [/quote]
Yea I stayed waaaay too long. Given my experience now, in the same situation I would have folded almost instantly haha.

56

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]Varqanir wrote:
You will split up, and you will feel relief for about three days, followed by immense regret, followed by the aching feeling of her gone from your everyday life. You will remember all of the good moments an none of the bad. You will have long, lonely, soul-searching nights, at least on the bights you are not having meaningless, unfulfilling sex, or chain smoking and drinking yourself into oblivion. You will write her letters, and eventually arrange to meet her in an Italian restaurant [/quote]
Definitely NOT how it was for me. I was happier immediately and grew happier still as the days drew on. All I could think about how much less stressful everything was without her and how thankful I was to have not wasted any more of my life. A year later I’m feeling better than ever!

Maybe it’s totally different for people with kids though I dunno.[/quote]

I e got kids and even so, I was immediately happier without her. It was as if a switch was flipped. That’s not to say I wasn’t concerned about raising kids as a divorced parent but I remember the day I moved out and mixed in with all the grief was palpable relief that I was no longer subject to the day to day bullshit that I found so caustic. There were no second thoughts on my part (even when she asked me to take her back months later) and I told myself I would do whatever it takes to never wind up in that situation again.

57

You will never forget the friends who had the courage and interest to say “get out of that relationship NOW”

Plus if you find yourself missing the drama, the self pity and heartbreak that you will convince yourself of after leaving provides a great excuse to do stupid stuff like try to beat the shit out of your co-workers because you think they are laughing at your stupidity for sticking it out so long with an obvious psycho and that they are trying to get up in those great tits.

Its a great opportunity for personal growth.

58

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]Varqanir wrote:
You will split up, and you will feel relief for about three days, followed by immense regret, followed by the aching feeling of her gone from your everyday life. You will remember all of the good moments an none of the bad. You will have long, lonely, soul-searching nights, at least on the bights you are not having meaningless, unfulfilling sex, or chain smoking and drinking yourself into oblivion. You will write her letters, and eventually arrange to meet her in an Italian restaurant [/quote]
Definitely NOT how it was for me. I was happier immediately and grew happier still as the days drew on. All I could think about how much less stressful everything was without her and how thankful I was to have not wasted any more of my life. A year later I’m feeling better than ever!

Maybe it’s totally different for people with kids though I dunno.[/quote]

Whereas that description fit me pretty well. Details were different, but the same concept. I used to go through that cycle every 3 to 6 weeks with her, until I learned better.

As long as she perceived that I “needed” her, we had problems. Once I made it clear to her (and myself) that I was with her voluntarily, the dynamics changed considerably. When I left her and dated someone else for awhile, that was what really changed things. As mentioned elsewhere, there’s still a few flare-ups, but I just don’t really let them impact anything.

Basically, I made my decision too, but it wasn’t the “run far away” one. We’ll see if that was a mistake.

59

[quote]comus3 wrote:

[quote]IamMarqaos wrote:

[quote]comus3 wrote:

[quote]Crutchless wrote:
Thanks all, really. Its good to not feel like Im the one who?s going crazy, as Ive been receiving blame as the bad guy from her for the exact same thing she has been doing to me for years. I will start documenting all I can and build my case against her. Also check out those books.

I learned early on- that if I react back at her, as a normal person does when being attracted (physically and mentally), then she goes Full Bitch Monster on me and uses the kids no different than a spoiled kid who wont let anyone play with her toys. But after being in a few wars with her- I know to never become emotionally fueled all no matter what the assault on me is like- and remaining calm as a Hindu cow is my best option as I try to talk her down to normal.

The biggest crap that gets to me is when she explodes and loses control in a fit of red rage. There is nothing I can do except to protect the kids and myself- while hoping she won?t see that as a challenge of her ‘dont tell me what to do you cant control me’. But not being able to change her- is something im having to accept.

Totally, all this shit is from her past childhood. I heard the same story over and over again that she was never treated right or how those who raised her were fuck ups that taught her how NOT to love and survival of the fittest applies above all. She rebels, starts to grow a shell. And this is when the superman in me comes out to rescue her from that and convince her that she does deserve love after all.

All this would seem manageable- except the fits of bloody rage that explode like a dam IED. Thank god for lifting- my true escape and peace in the world.
[/quote]

In all seriousness. Don’t try to manage. Get out. Let her seek help if she wants it, but you can’t do anything about that. Pay your child support, etc if you have to, do what it takes for the kids, but seriously, get out. Life is too short to put up with this.
[/quote]

It is not that easy. “Getting out” needs to be done the right way legally otherwise you leave yourself open to be sued for abandonment. You will than end up barely seeing your kids and paying through the nose. Additionally the court will than give her all the power over the kids and their time with you. In the hands of a good, decent woman that is no problem, in the hands of a woman with BPD you might as well start saving for your kids therapy bills now.

You mention; ‘do what it takes for your kids’, but you do not know what that entails. [/quote]

You can make more money. You can’t buy back lost years.[/quote]

The reality is that you will make more money to give to her so she can live with her next victim and get paid, by you, to fuck up your kids, whom you will barely see.

60

[quote]csulli wrote:

[quote]Varqanir wrote:
You will split up, and you will feel relief for about three days, followed by immense regret, followed by the aching feeling of her gone from your everyday life. You will remember all of the good moments an none of the bad. You will have long, lonely, soul-searching nights, at least on the bights you are not having meaningless, unfulfilling sex, or chain smoking and drinking yourself into oblivion. You will write her letters, and eventually arrange to meet her in an Italian restaurant [/quote]
Definitely NOT how it was for me. I was happier immediately and grew happier still as the days drew on. All I could think about how much less stressful everything was without her and how thankful I was to have not wasted any more of my life. A year later I’m feeling better than ever!

Maybe it’s totally different for people with kids though I dunno.[/quote]

I am moving out Wednesday. Attorney will send paperwork stating joint Legal and joint Physical over our son. I am giddy as fuck!

I am with you, I am happier even before I am gone!