Borderline Personality Disorder

Off Topic
21

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
First, like LoRez said, read, “Walking on Eggshells”.

Next, realize that there is nothing you can do to change the other person. You can try to understand them , but they won’t change. They likely don’t even see anything wrong with their behavior as (in my personal experience) it is a maladaptive response to childhood trauma. These are strategies they’ve learned from a young age in order to get their unmet needs met.

What you can do is figure out what it is about you that attracted you to this person to begin with, and work on that.

Just know, that as her white knight, she’s blaming you for every single ill that befalls her. You can’t protect her from everything and she’s going to resent the hell out of you for it.

I would also check out the book Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie and see if you recognize any of yourself in it. Codependents and people with BPD/NPD are drawn together like two survivors from a shipwreck clinging to one another in stormy seas. And often with the same end result.[/quote]
Why couldn’t someone have told me all this stuff like 5 years ago?

22

I am going through a divorce right now after close to 13 years. She has BPD and there is NOTHING you can do. NOTHING.

Before I go any further, some of the advice here please ignore and DON’T kick her out of the house unless you have proof she has physically abused you or the kids.

The situation you are in will never get better unless she gets help, real help. YOU CANNOT help her. I hope you understand. You also cannot get your kids away from her. That advice is ill given. All you can end up with is shared legal and physical custody. And until she is properly diagnosed by a professional you cannot bring it up in court either!

If she does not want to get help, start documenting her actions especially when the kids are around. She lays a hand on you or them, immediately call the cops. I failed to do this. I have been hit with a baseball bat, tennis racket and utensils, kicked with boots, scratched and almost stabbed a few times. Not to mention the damage to my possessions.

Let me back track, I did call the cops once and when they saw me, at 260lbs and than her, at 120lbs all they did was gently tell her to not let her emotions get the best of her. One of them actually tried to stare me down. This might go different for you, and even though my experience proved to be futile, I do recommend that you call the cops immediately if she lays a hand on you in any way. And pursue it to the end, no matter the reaction of the cops.

It will get worse over time. You might ask why I never did anything about it…or get a nanny cam at least, but it the process is very subtle. You start out thinking; “what did I do to make this woman so angry?”. You blame it on yourself for a long time and they take advantage of it and play that up. Took me years to realize: “Bitch is crazy!” and than it took several more years to realize that no matter what you do, it will not get better.

Of course, like in your case, a kid is involved and like you I was raised with the fact that when kids are involved divorce is not an option. However, that cannot and should not apply to living with a person who is, well for lack of a better term, functionally crazy!

You have limited options. 3 kids are involved so you are stuck in a certain way. If she is a housewife and the primary care giver it will be very difficult for you and I advice you to stay and start documenting her behavior. Also put in writing you asking her to get some help. Again, call the cops if need be. Talk to her family members about her behavior.

Let others know this is going on! Make them aware so they can see and eventually be an advocate for you. This might help her get help. You cannot do this alone and you need to do this for at least 6 months.

It is not an easy road ahead. Not a short one either. BUT do NOT continue the way you have. Take some action, no matter what. Doing nothing will have you waste a decade and you will end up in the same position you are now…

Good luck.

23

[quote]IamMarqaos wrote:
I am going through a divorce right now after close to 13 years. She has BPD and there is NOTHING you can do. NOTHING.
[/quote]

Very similar situation to my own. The physical abuse especially. I had been punched in the chest while walking down the street, slapped in an airport…a favorite of hers was to grab my face with one hand, sometimes while hitting me with the other. If we were arguing and things started to get out of control, I’d try to leave which (in retrospect) only triggered her abandonment issues. She would physically block me from leaving, or if she couldn’t get between me and the door, would jump on my back.

Thing is, I never really considered it abuse (I still bristle at the word) because I never feared for my safety and I figured that if she saw how much I could put up with, she would know I really, really, really loved her.

24

[quote]IamMarqaos wrote:
I am going through a divorce right now after close to 13 years. She has BPD and there is NOTHING you can do. NOTHING.

Before I go any further, some of the advice here please ignore and DON’T kick her out of the house unless you have proof she has physically abused you or the kids.

The situation you are in will never get better unless she gets help, real help. YOU CANNOT help her. I hope you understand. You also cannot get your kids away from her. That advice is ill given. All you can end up with is shared legal and physical custody. And until she is properly diagnosed by a professional you cannot bring it up in court either!

If she does not want to get help, start documenting her actions especially when the kids are around. She lays a hand on you or them, immediately call the cops. I failed to do this. I have been hit with a baseball bat, tennis racket and utensils, kicked with boots, scratched and almost stabbed a few times. Not to mention the damage to my possessions.

Let me back track, I did call the cops once and when they saw me, at 260lbs and than her, at 120lbs all they did was gently tell her to not let her emotions get the best of her. One of them actually tried to stare me down. This might go different for you, and even though my experience proved to be futile, I do recommend that you call the cops immediately if she lays a hand on you in any way. And pursue it to the end, no matter the reaction of the cops.

It will get worse over time. You might ask why I never did anything about it…or get a nanny cam at least, but it the process is very subtle. You start out thinking; “what did I do to make this woman so angry?”. You blame it on yourself for a long time and they take advantage of it and play that up. Took me years to realize: “Bitch is crazy!” and than it took several more years to realize that no matter what you do, it will not get better.

Of course, like in your case, a kid is involved and like you I was raised with the fact that when kids are involved divorce is not an option. However, that cannot and should not apply to living with a person who is, well for lack of a better term, functionally crazy!

You have limited options. 3 kids are involved so you are stuck in a certain way. If she is a housewife and the primary care giver it will be very difficult for you and I advice you to stay and start documenting her behavior. Also put in writing you asking her to get some help. Again, call the cops if need be. Talk to her family members about her behavior.

Let others know this is going on! Make them aware so they can see and eventually be an advocate for you. This might help her get help. You cannot do this alone and you need to do this for at least 6 months.

It is not an easy road ahead. Not a short one either. BUT do NOT continue the way you have. Take some action, no matter what. Doing nothing will have you waste a decade and you will end up in the same position you are now…

Good luck.[/quote]

I was going to try to type something from my (thankfully) much more limited experience.

Then I read this and can think of nothing else to add. Document everything in detail. Don’t be hasty or reckless. Protect yourself and your kids physically, emotionally and legally to the best of your ability.

The courts will tend to favour her in any divorce proceedings, “crazy” or not. That is an uphill battle. Assume that how ever she is now is as good as it gets and base your future plans upon that. Support her etc where possible but you can’t help her.

Sorry for your troubles. All the best.

25

[quote]on edge wrote:
Couples with children should always stay together for the kids. Two adult human beings can always can find a way to be friendly and loving toward their each other even if they would otherwise split if kids were not involved. Two parents, under the same roof is always better than a broken family.

However, this is not true in the event that one of the parents is not actually human but a monster. Seriously, “Borderline Personality Disorder” is just a politically correct way of saying Sociopath. People are uncomfortable saying sociopath because they associate that with murderers and people who torture puppies. Basically these BPD people just haven’t reached a point in their lives where murder is the choice they make. The moment murder becomes the best option and they see the opportunity, they have no problem making that choice. With these people you are either on their side or you are THE ENEMY and must be destroyed.

So, staying together with children is way more damaging than if they are raised by you alone. Raising the kids with split custody is also unacceptable because she will be out to destroy you and she will poison the kids against you, allow the kids to see her attempt to destroy you, and even use the kids as a tool to destroy you. Knowing this, you now know what you need to do…

…which of course is take the kids and move to Switzerland. That is what you were thinking, right?

Seriously, if you divorce her be sure you secure the finances, cancel all credit cards and lock her out of the house right before you file. DO NOT LEAVE THE HOUSE yourself unless you really do take the kids somewhere.[/quote]

It’s more kin to bi-polar, than sociopath, though the person will exhibit signs of sociopathy.

26

I contend with people with BPD professionally and personally. I can attest that having a family member with BPD has been especially “trying” (which is probably the understatement of the year). You need to keep in mind that this is a disorder; she is not intentionally being extreme, impulsive, manipulative, irrational, intense, unstable etc. Also know, many people with BPD likely have limited to no insight into their condition.

I have managed to maintain a decent relationship with this family member by just accepting her as she is. She is not always going to be rational, stable, or kind. I’ve developed a very thick skin and strong sense of self…the alternative would be getting completely sucked into her craziness which happened persistently when I was younger.

I suggest trying to be empathetic. Remember, you can validate someone’s feelings without having to agree with them. Make sure you establish very defined boundaries with this person. Have an understanding that you will be doing a whole lot more giving than receiving in this relationship. It can be crazy-making for sure but maintaining some semblance of a relationship IS POSSIBLE.

Professionally, I have worked with clients that have responded favorably to dialectical behavior therapy.

Good luck with this!

27

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]IamMarqaos wrote:
I am going through a divorce right now after close to 13 years. She has BPD and there is NOTHING you can do. NOTHING.
[/quote]

Very similar situation to my own. The physical abuse especially. I had been punched in the chest while walking down the street, slapped in an airport…a favorite of hers was to grab my face with one hand, sometimes while hitting me with the other. If we were arguing and things started to get out of control, I’d try to leave which (in retrospect) only triggered her abandonment issues. She would physically block me from leaving, or if she couldn’t get between me and the door, would jump on my back.

Thing is, I never really considered it abuse (I still bristle at the word) because I never feared for my safety and I figured that if she saw how much I could put up with, she would know I really, really, really loved her.

[/quote]

Yeah, I could have added every single one of those to my list as well. Interesting you did not see it as abuse either. A few weeks ago she hit me with a tennis racket 16 times. Yet because a day later I had no bruises, no scratches, nothing, I figured I was OK…

It took me a week to realize the truth of the situation and I am still in shock as to how much crap I actually take and think nothing off anymore.

28

Thanks all, really. Its good to not feel like Im the one who?s going crazy, as Ive been receiving blame as the bad guy from her for the exact same thing she has been doing to me for years. I will start documenting all I can and build my case against her. Also check out those books.

I learned early on- that if I react back at her, as a normal person does when being attracted (physically and mentally), then she goes Full Bitch Monster on me and uses the kids no different than a spoiled kid who wont let anyone play with her toys. But after being in a few wars with her- I know to never become emotionally fueled all no matter what the assault on me is like- and remaining calm as a Hindu cow is my best option as I try to talk her down to normal.

The biggest crap that gets to me is when she explodes and loses control in a fit of red rage. There is nothing I can do except to protect the kids and myself- while hoping she won?t see that as a challenge of her ‘dont tell me what to do you cant control me’. But not being able to change her- is something im having to accept.

Totally, all this shit is from her past childhood. I heard the same story over and over again that she was never treated right or how those who raised her were fuck ups that taught her how NOT to love and survival of the fittest applies above all. She rebels, starts to grow a shell. And this is when the superman in me comes out to rescue her from that and convince her that she does deserve love after all.

All this would seem manageable- except the fits of bloody rage that explode like a dam IED. Thank god for lifting- my true escape and peace in the world.

29

[quote]Crutchless wrote:
She rebels, starts to grow a shell. And this is when the superman in me comes out to rescue her from that and convince her that she does deserve love after all.
[/quote]

Dude, I was the best at this with my ex. Her family used to praise me because they knew no one was able to calm her down like I could when she would rage on other people. But in the context of an unhealthy relationship, it’s not a gift. It was a symptom of unhealthy behavior on my part in the form of secondary payoffs. I got to feel important, I got to feel needed…hell, I felt like I had a goddamn superpower.

Your Hindu cow example was right on but I’m guessing that you’re emotionally dis-engaging because the emotional roller coaster is too much, at least that’s what I did. You need strong, well-defined boundaries to deal with someone with BPD. Unfortunately, they’re attracted (and attractive) to people with very weak boundaries.

30

[quote]Crutchless wrote:

Does anyone deal with this and has any advice?

SO one day she comes into your life and seems to be the missing link to everything your heart desires. This long lost soul mate listens whole heartily and gives a lot of attention to the details and inner thinking of your life. Naturally, you are drawn in- you begin to take care of her and the months go by. Going out of your way to help for any type of issues; you truly are the Night in Shining Armor.

Even those ‘bad days’ when she explodes, you stand patiently by and lovingly pick up the pieces- thinking that we all have bad days. You decide to get married and then begin to notice everything was an act months after the honeymoons era wear off.

But then she stops caring about your life, and joys, and active communication, and donst make time or seem to give a shit- there is also now a ton of endless woes and horrible negative things that now seem to consume her life. Things that are only self created negative crap to get that loving attention you provide. You still respond as the Night in Shining Armor that you always have been and are, and continue to give everything of yourself. She responds and appears to show signs of love, and all is well in the world. Cycles of this continue over and over again. Except one day you stand your ground, had enough, and tell her you dont take to kindly to such treatment and dont understand why you dont care about me in return.

As if being in-Love for her, only means being pampered and treated exceptionally by yourself, while not receiving anything in return- and when that love she experiences from you is wrongly conducted (due to whatever minor triggers are received in a way that makes her feel hurt)- she explodes.

Then, she sees she is about to lose her Night in Shining armor, corrects herself, and goes back to the honeymoon mode of operation before enough time passes by. And cycles repeat- Honeymoon wonder girl. Bitch. Clinging please forgive me Make up. Repeat.

I found online this is called Borderline Personality Disorder. And trust me, since being married, i found out her past goes hand in hand with BPS. Does anyone deal with this and has any advice? sadly- 3 young kids are involved.
[/quote]

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. Like anything else said person has to admit there is a problem and most of the time they won’t until there is a court order, rock bottom kind of situation.

Now, it seems that you have diagnosed this, so there is a healthy chance you’re wrong, and this is a good thing. It doesn’t mean she’s not fucked up, it just means she may be treatable. BPD is difficult to treat and like with any mental illness there are 2 components, psychological and physiological. Often one is the result of the other, it just depends on the cause as to which order one affects the other.

Anyhow, down to business. It’s clear she doesn’t want to treat it or admit it, but you may be able to convince her she is depressed and needs an anti-depressant. I would push this angle as it’s not as caustic a conversation, you can tell her she’ll just feel better all around, and it will stabilize her moods. So the episodes will not be as severe, but they will still be there.

So what is it we are dealing with? Well, these are inappropriate reactions to stimuli. Minor incident, major response. Major incident, anemic response. She has programed herself, to perceive things in ways that others wouldn’t see. For instance, you may be minding your own business, contemplating, whatever and have a look that would be fairly neutral and unassuming, she is going to interpret that as anger at her and she will retaliate with anger in response.
String a few minor things together, that she is interpreting an assault and goes into bitch mode.

So what needs to happen is she has to break down and recategorize stimuli and then assign a new appropriate response. Reprogram her conditioning mechanism. This is very difficult to do as you are bucking the system built in her brain that has been that way for decades. It takes a concerted effort to do.
Then you have hormonal influences and physiological issues to deal with and the problem is even more difficult to address. Basically if you don’t feel good, then you aren’t interested in ‘fixing’ anything.
The SSRI’s will at least make her feel better and if she feels better, she may want to address the issue more in depth. But nobody want’s to admit that have mental issues, so this is a large mountain to climb. It can be done, but not by you. You’re her husband, she’ll never listen to you.
So I guess it really boils down to how much you can take, and how you can mitigate it for your children. Yes, the children are important, but you count too. Don’t forget that or you can get lost.

31

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:
You need strong, well-defined boundaries to deal with someone with BPD. Unfortunately, they’re attracted (and attractive) to people with very weak boundaries.
[/quote]
I can’t even explain how spot on this sounds to me man.

32

[quote]Crutchless wrote:
I learned early on- that if I react back at her, as a normal person does when being attacked (physically and mentally), then she goes Full Bitch Monster on me and uses the kids no different than a spoiled kid who wont let anyone play with her toys. But after being in a few wars with her- I know to never become emotionally fueled all no matter what the assault on me is like- and remaining calm as a Hindu cow is my best option as I try to talk her down to normal.
[/quote]

That last sentence is probably the most important “skill” I’ve learned. Not necessarily the best way to learn it, but the insight into what sets yourself off and how to manage and control that is pretty valuable.

Remaining calm, reacting rationally, and occasionally calling her bluff seems to diffuse the situation fairly quickly – i.e., within an hour or two at most now. She won’t respond to logic until she’s emotionally calmed down, but she seems to calm down a lot faster when she realizes her attempts to get a rise out of me are impotent. It’s as if that state of mind thrives off of the conflict, but without the conflict, it doesn’t last.

I can’t say I’ve dealt with the physical side of things, nor really even the “I have the power/leverage” thing. We’re both income-earners and we both maintained separate households, even though we cohabitated.

Early on, if she threatened to leave (or actually left), I’d pursue and try to get her back. If she told me “you don’t care for me, because if you did, you’d realize how important it is to me that you [insert whatever], and you’d do it”, I’d do that thing. (Codependence? Probably.)

But eventually I changed my approach. If she threatened to leave, I just wouldn’t show that I cared either way. If she tried to guilt me into doing something, after calming her down, I’d explain to her what I am currently doing for her, what I’m willing to do, and what I’m not willing to do. I drew clear boundaries and wouldn’t accept her view of reality. But, again, after she’s calmed down.

For a short while there (a few months), there was the “but [her ex-husband] did this and that for me”. And, my response was “if that’s what you want, figure out how to get back with him”. Sometimes I had to phrase things as “I care about what you want, and if that’s what you want, go do it, I won’t stop you.”

What I’ve found is that if I just don’t let her get anything out of me emotionally when this happens, the problems get a lot less frequent. Early on, we were having “arguments” once every couple weeks (which, of course, were my fault.)

At this point, while something might trigger her every couple months, I don’t let anything blow up. Most of the time, 10 minutes is about all it takes for her to calm down. At the worst, about two hours.

I don’t know if this helps at all, nor if we’re really dealing with the same kind of situation, but that’s my experience.

33

[quote]WhiteSturgeon wrote:
I contend with people with BPD professionally and personally. I can attest that having a family member with BPD has been especially “trying” (which is probably the understatement of the year). You need to keep in mind that this is a disorder; she is not intentionally being extreme, impulsive, manipulative, irrational, intense, unstable etc. Also know, many people with BPD likely have limited to no insight into their condition.

I have managed to maintain a decent relationship with this family member by just accepting her as she is. She is not always going to be rational, stable, or kind. I’ve developed a very thick skin and strong sense of self…the alternative would be getting completely sucked into her craziness which happened persistently when I was younger.

I suggest trying to be empathetic. Remember, you can validate someone’s feelings without having to agree with them. Make sure you establish very defined boundaries with this person. Have an understanding that you will be doing a whole lot more giving than receiving in this relationship. It can be crazy-making for sure but maintaining some semblance of a relationship IS POSSIBLE.

Professionally, I have worked with clients that have responded favorably to dialectical behavior therapy.

Good luck with this!
[/quote]

The boundary advise is very good advise. Structure is going to be very important for you and the kids.

Also remember what the point is of ‘bitch mode’, it’s to give her a reaction and attention. If you can cognitively be aware of yourself and not fall into the snares of the moment. You want to invalidate her negative behaviour and perhaps overcompensate at times of positive behaviour.
The only risk is the rage, make get a bit worse initially. However, when bitch mode hits, go for a walk. Then when she’s calm and reasonable, you can validate that with attention.
It’s a lot easier to say than do; don’t think I underestimate that.

90% of human behvaviour is a factor of conditioning, operant being #1, classical being #2.
That doesn’t mean the other 10% (physiology/ hormonal) does not loom large, but the basis tends to be the result of conditioning…

Any abuse in the past? You don’t have to say if it’s too personal, but think about it.

34

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]Crutchless wrote:
She rebels, starts to grow a shell. And this is when the superman in me comes out to rescue her from that and convince her that she does deserve love after all.
[/quote]

Dude, I was the best at this with my ex. Her family used to praise me because they knew no one was able to calm her down like I could when she would rage on other people. But in the context of an unhealthy relationship, it’s not a gift. It was a symptom of unhealthy behavior on my part in the form of secondary payoffs. I got to feel important, I got to feel needed…hell, I felt like I had a goddamn superpower.

Your Hindu cow example was right on but I’m guessing that you’re emotionally dis-engaging because the emotional roller coaster is too much, at least that’s what I did. You need strong, well-defined boundaries to deal with someone with BPD. Unfortunately, they’re attracted (and attractive) to people with very weak boundaries.
[/quote]

Beat me to it and 100% correct. Men like us are a mark to them because they sense that we will adapt our boundaries. Unfortunately after all this time it is nearly impossible to now build strong ones. She will try and try and try to break through them because it worked in the past. Also, please do be careful with the Hindu cow way of acting. That can enrage them even more. You need a nanny cam. Please do that.

The utterly calm way of handling things worked perfectly for me in the beginning and I too had family and friends heaping praise on me for being able to handle it. Once she got wind of that the physical abuse escalated quite quickly all to get a rise out of me.

Not saying it might not work in your case, just saying it might not work for that long!

35

[quote]Dr. Pangloss wrote:

[quote]IamMarqaos wrote:
I am going through a divorce right now after close to 13 years. She has BPD and there is NOTHING you can do. NOTHING.
[/quote]

Very similar situation to my own. The physical abuse especially. I had been punched in the chest while walking down the street, slapped in an airport…a favorite of hers was to grab my face with one hand, sometimes while hitting me with the other. If we were arguing and things started to get out of control, I’d try to leave which (in retrospect) only triggered her abandonment issues. She would physically block me from leaving, or if she couldn’t get between me and the door, would jump on my back.

Thing is, I never really considered it abuse (I still bristle at the word) because I never feared for my safety and I figured that if she saw how much I could put up with, she would know I really, really, really loved her.

[/quote]

I went through nearly the same thing, and finally divorced after almost 15 years. Have had a few ups and downs since then, but my only regret is that I waited as long as I did to get out of such a terrible marriage. “Stay together for the children,” is such B.S. in such situations.

What brought it home for me as abuse was seeing this poster about “Signs of Domestic Abuse” in the cafeteria of a community college where I was taking a computer course. The poster was geared for women being abused by male partners, but I was shocked that many of the points where applicable to my own situation. Not just obvious stuff like striking out when angry, but things like, “Tries to alienate you from your family members and friends,” and “Keeps a tight control over your money,” along with the more obvious stuff like verbal attacks or using and withholding sex as a reward/punishment mechanism.

No doubt it’s best to run at the first signs of such behavior. The good news is that there are probably indications that pop up early on, but it’s easy to be blind to them during the “courtship” phase of a relationship. It’s more complicated when you’re in it long-term, especially with kids and joint property involved. But I would still advise anyone to get out as fast as possible.

36

Can someone please provide some kind of definition of BPD, other than me looking on Google ?

I am curious to hear input from people who dealt with those who suffered from BPD.

37

[quote]Crutchless wrote:
Thanks all, really. Its good to not feel like Im the one who?s going crazy, as Ive been receiving blame as the bad guy from her for the exact same thing she has been doing to me for years. I will start documenting all I can and build my case against her. Also check out those books.

I learned early on- that if I react back at her, as a normal person does when being attracted (physically and mentally), then she goes Full Bitch Monster on me and uses the kids no different than a spoiled kid who wont let anyone play with her toys. But after being in a few wars with her- I know to never become emotionally fueled all no matter what the assault on me is like- and remaining calm as a Hindu cow is my best option as I try to talk her down to normal.

The biggest crap that gets to me is when she explodes and loses control in a fit of red rage. There is nothing I can do except to protect the kids and myself- while hoping she won?t see that as a challenge of her ‘dont tell me what to do you cant control me’. But not being able to change her- is something im having to accept.

Totally, all this shit is from her past childhood. I heard the same story over and over again that she was never treated right or how those who raised her were fuck ups that taught her how NOT to love and survival of the fittest applies above all. She rebels, starts to grow a shell. And this is when the superman in me comes out to rescue her from that and convince her that she does deserve love after all.

All this would seem manageable- except the fits of bloody rage that explode like a dam IED. Thank god for lifting- my true escape and peace in the world.
[/quote]

In all seriousness. Don’t try to manage. Get out. Let her seek help if she wants it, but you can’t do anything about that. Pay your child support, etc if you have to, do what it takes for the kids, but seriously, get out. Life is too short to put up with this.

38

[quote]comus3 wrote:

[quote]Crutchless wrote:
Thanks all, really. Its good to not feel like Im the one who?s going crazy, as Ive been receiving blame as the bad guy from her for the exact same thing she has been doing to me for years. I will start documenting all I can and build my case against her. Also check out those books.

I learned early on- that if I react back at her, as a normal person does when being attracted (physically and mentally), then she goes Full Bitch Monster on me and uses the kids no different than a spoiled kid who wont let anyone play with her toys. But after being in a few wars with her- I know to never become emotionally fueled all no matter what the assault on me is like- and remaining calm as a Hindu cow is my best option as I try to talk her down to normal.

The biggest crap that gets to me is when she explodes and loses control in a fit of red rage. There is nothing I can do except to protect the kids and myself- while hoping she won?t see that as a challenge of her ‘dont tell me what to do you cant control me’. But not being able to change her- is something im having to accept.

Totally, all this shit is from her past childhood. I heard the same story over and over again that she was never treated right or how those who raised her were fuck ups that taught her how NOT to love and survival of the fittest applies above all. She rebels, starts to grow a shell. And this is when the superman in me comes out to rescue her from that and convince her that she does deserve love after all.

All this would seem manageable- except the fits of bloody rage that explode like a dam IED. Thank god for lifting- my true escape and peace in the world.
[/quote]

In all seriousness. Don’t try to manage. Get out. Let her seek help if she wants it, but you can’t do anything about that. Pay your child support, etc if you have to, do what it takes for the kids, but seriously, get out. Life is too short to put up with this.
[/quote]

It is not that easy. “Getting out” needs to be done the right way legally otherwise you leave yourself open to be sued for abandonment. You will than end up barely seeing your kids and paying through the nose. Additionally the court will than give her all the power over the kids and their time with you. In the hands of a good, decent woman that is no problem, in the hands of a woman with BPD you might as well start saving for your kids therapy bills now.

You mention; ‘do what it takes for your kids’, but you do not know what that entails.

39

[quote]MaximusB wrote:
Can someone please provide some kind of definition of BPD, other than me looking on Google ?

I am curious to hear input from people who dealt with those who suffered from BPD. [/quote]

Very difficult Max. It is diagnosed through what has been experienced by the one living with it, and the one going through it. Most agree that people suffering from this have extreme abandonment issues and deal with them by trying to exert complete control over whom they are afraid to lose.

That control will manifest itself physically, emotionally, mentally and even spiritually. They will try to break you down and isolate you from everything they perceive to be competition. These include your friends, family, pets, church, school, hobbies and work place.

They want you at their beck and call 24/7 and will damage your possessions and your person to make that happen. Nothing matters but their own feelings and how you and your kids reflect on them.

Not easy to diagnose, at all. But a shrink will know it when he sees one, I guarantee it.

40

Oh my.

There are three clusters of personality disorders A, B and C.

All were called a form of psychopathy at some point, because, well, just because. They are now called personality disorders or character neurosis, the latter is more descriptive.

While everyone has some areas in his life that are problematic, someone with a personality disorder has a personality that actively produces neurotic behavior, but not necessarily , drama.

Drama, as such is the area of the cluster B personality disorders which can be further classified into BPD, Histrionic and NPD.

To distinguish between those three is probably pointless from a practical perspective because individuals afflicted by said disorders will oscillate between those, whichever gets them their narcissistic fix, i.e emotional vampires are not picky.

Now, a sociopath, a term that seems to be used rather loosely, is a malignant narcissist, someone who is literally unable to see other people as human and who sees everything in terms of differentials of power, i.e. the most extreme expression of a cluster B disorder.

A BPD persons sees you, she just cannot help herself, a sociopath sees nothing but a piece of meat to be used as he or she sees fit.

Hope this helps.