Wake your buddy up every morning with a handful of smelling salts to the face. Do this every morning until April Fool’s Day. On that day, just let him wake up on his own. He’ll be relieved that you haven’t salted him. Then, when he’s in the shower thinking that today is the day you finally won’t fuck with him, burst into the bathroom and suplex that motherfucker right through fucking bathtub.
Here is the full text of an article I wrote a little over a year ago. I write for a small magazine here in Chico, CA and for the housing guide edition (Chico is a small college town for those unfamiliar with it; home of Chico State) that details how to handle a fucked up roommate situation.
I posted this on here a long time ago so maybe some of you read it back then. It’s long, I know, but well worth the read in my humble opinion. I recommend turning April Fool’s Day into April Fool’s Month and applying the tactics outlined below all throughout the month. Enjoy. Oh yeah, believe it or not, this is based on my own experiences with some dumbfuck roommate I had once. A true story.
We’ve all had horrendous roommates. How do you deal with them? Do you beat their ass? Move? Hold a “house meeting”? You could, but why risk legal action, an inconvenient move, or a confrontation that could worsen the situation? No, the best course of action is a highly-detailed, extremely covert counter-intelligence program (COINTELPRO) and a sinister psychological operations program (PSYOPS).
I've had plenty of bad roommates. I used to resort to mundane tactics like ignoring the stupid bastard, but with my current vile roommate I went all out black ops. The target is delusional, surly, unintelligent, prone to violent mood swings, his frustration with his pathetic life is frequently misdirected toward me and I suspect he tried to assassinate me. He's a fucking psychopath who must be stopped, so I embarked on a COINTELPRO/PSYOPS program designed to shatter his psyche and drive him to the point of complete mental collapse without him ever knowing why the thin veneer of sanity he clung to was slowly slipping away. His innately fragile personality and inherently litigious nature made him a perfect candidate for COINTELPRO/PSYOPS.
First, I implemented a highly-sophisticated counter-intelligence operation. Disinformation is the key to shielding oneself from any suspicion should some of your PSYOPS actions get a little carried away. Act cordial at all times toward the target, invite the target's friends over, befriend his girlfriend in an innocent way, openly show concern for the target's growing level of psychosis (which is growing thanks to your PSYOPS program) and show interest in his hobbies.
An important aspect of COINTELPRO and PSYOPS is to do some basic reconnaissance and gather intelligence about the target. I carefully went through the target's bedroom and bathroom, looking for incriminating evidence that I could use against him. I used a Polaroid camera to take a picture of the room and have a way to return it to its original state. It's a little trick I learned from G. Gordon Liddy. The information can be valuable; I determined that my target received monthly payments from the state government due to an undisclosed disability. Whenever the target entered the room, I seamlessly switched conversation with my other roommate to the "abhorrent nature" of leeches that suck off the government's teat because of some disability. The target, not knowing that I knew what I knew, would shamefully slink away to ponder his self-worth alone in his bedroom, which I had just rifled through only hours earlier. I also hid under his bed one evening and discovered that his girlfriend was exasperated with his erectile shortcomings. From then on, I made loud, ugly jokes whenever the target was in the room and a Cialis commercial came on the TV. COINTELPRO is fun, but PSYOPS is a real blast.
With PSYOPS, there is no limit to the methods one can implement, and I used them all. I felt like E. Howard Hunt in Miami in 1962! I put powdered niacin in the target’s juice and watched his skin become so flushed he was convinced he was dying. I put microscopic amounts of my fecal matter into his cereal so that he constantly had what he thought was food poisoning. There is nothing more distressing to the psyche than blasting music in short bursts at a high volume at odd hours of the evening/early morning. A short burst of Ghostface Killa is more than enough to jar someone out of their slumber without fully awakening them. Just when I feel the target has fallen back asleep, I play an ear-shattering burst of Asian schoolchildren bickering at each other in Cantonese. After that, the deafening sound of incoming artillery fire in Afghanistan, followed by a swarm of bees, then pigs being butchered. Space these clips out over 30 minutes and your target will be so delirious and shaken he’ll be far too weakened to resist any further PSYOPS methods for very long.
Another favorite method I used was to remove fish from his fish tank. He had 15 or 20 in there, and every week, for reasons he never knew, one of them would disappear. When he complained the house was cold, I turned on the heat, but only after I covertly disconnected the ductwork into his room. He lost power in his room when I replaced the circuit breaker for it with a faulty one. Physical intimidation worked, such as flexing and screaming while in the same room as him, but never at him. This way, it looks like I'm just being myself, but the constant presence of someone who is already clearly unhinged edging dangerously close to a violent outburst will make anyone feel uncomfortable. My target likes to do some rudimentary gardening, so I would put a few drops of bleach into his plants in the middle of the night. I had a raging case of the flu a few months ago and spread it to the target by coughing all over his bedroom doorknob. He was sick for more than two weeks. When he's gone, I microwave his milk. I also like burning leaves on a warm evening when the target's windows are open. There he is relaxing in his bed and enjoying the cool breeze when noxious fumes from burnt oak leaves suddenly come billowing in through the window. Of course, he immediately asked me to put out the fire and I apologetically acquiesced, knowing that the damage had been done and that his room would reek for the next 12 to 24 hours.
After all of this subterfuge, the target had grown increasingly uncomfortable around the house and began seeking refuge with friends. Naturally, I began showing up to these social outings unexpectedly, thereby breaching his sanctuary and giving him no place to hide. Thanks to my extensive COINTELPRO operations, the target was unable to voice any dissatisfaction with his crumbling domestic situation without looking like a psychotic; he had no idea there was someone behind all of the weird little downturns in his life and if he badmouthed me to his friends, he would be doing so to the same people I had befriended and voiced concern to about his slipping mental state. This is the essence of spreading disinformation and propaganda. However, at some point the target may become aware of what is really going on and start a campaign against you. Perhaps the target will even have played some dirty tricks of his own against you and reveal his actions on the day he finally moves out in a nefarious attempt to "get the last laugh". I have been worried about this possibility so I made sure I had an ace up my sleeve. To date, I have jerked off into his shampoo 22 times. If that bastard tries to leave on a high note, I'll simply tell him why his silky smooth hair has become so soft and manageable.
My COINTELPRO/PSYOPS program has been an unmitigated success. Since its inception, the target has broken down completely. He comes in the door and immediately goes to his room without speaking to anyone, he randomly screams and flails about the house, he’s broken down in tears in front of me, has openly admitted that he feels wholly uncomfortable in the house, and even exposed his genitals to me in a fit of paranoia and psychosis. But the best part is that he thinks his own warped mental state is the reason for all of this irrational behavior because he has no clue that I am the one behind all of the downturns and psyche-shattering occurrences in his life. This is the epitome of a successful COINTELPRO/PSYOPS program. So the next time you find yourself stuck with a deranged roommate, why not make him a little bit more deranged?
set up tons of plastic cups around his door… filling said cups with water or pee. tons of cups.
Baby powder on the celling fan
Icy hot on the toilet seat
fish in his cars engine compartment
butter the floor
insert some sort of dye in the shower head
jello mold the toilet
Call and pretend to be the local health clinic explain a former partner was just diagnosed with, herpes, the clap, HIV, whatever and he needs to come in for testing.
Place a block of cheese under his bed
Fill his water bottle with vodka and put it back where you found it.
I will try and remember other thing I have done in the past.
[quote]Tartaruga109 wrote:
steal his car…possibly put it up on blocks…hilarious[/quote]
Fuck putting it on blocks. Drive the thing right through his bedroom wall!
[quote]on edge wrote:
If you all don’t mind, I’d like to create an off shoot on this thread. It’s not worthy of it’s own thread. My nephew is tired of the low reliability of stealing wifi from the neighbors so we’re finally getting internet for the house. I’m trying to think of the right name to put on it as the ID. You know, the name the neighbors will see if they scan for a signal. These are my two favorites so far;
Five leaf Growers Association
and
Level 3 Sex Offender
any other ideas?[/quote]
I EAT BABY BRAINS
Put hydrogen peroxide in his shampoo. It’s gonna take a while but over the days he’ll wonder whats happening to his hair.
Throw kool-aid on him while in the shower
Put kool-aid in the shower head so it spray on him when he turns it on
Mash up life savers or similar cand and put it in the shower head
Saran wrap over the toilet seat
Steal all his underwear and replace them with some womens underwear
[quote]optheta wrote:
My B-Day is on April 1st ohhh what joy![/quote]
maybe you’ll fall asleep on your birthday and then, like 10 minutes into it Freddie Kreuger will jump out and yell APRIL FOOL’S!!! But it’s really only your uncle playing hide the salami in your butt again …
I’ve got a good one that takes five days:
Day 1: Get a large sheet of paper ( or lots of smaller ones) and tape it to completely cover over the entrance to his bedroom. When he bursts through it in the morning, you and your housemates give him a huge round of applause.
Days 2-4: Do the same, but each day encourage him to jump through the paper in increasingly creative ways, big run-ups etc., each time rewarding him with a huge round of applause and cheers.
Day 5: Paper his door as with the previous days, but also move a wardrobe or other large heavy object to block the outside. Encourage him to take a huge run-up as with previous days.
Would possibly work best if the final day was April Fools’.
I did this to a roommate who’d been nailing this really slutty, gross girl:
Have someone he doesn’t know call and say he had sex with this same girl, and got herpes from her, preferably late at night so he doesn’t sleep all night.
I woke up the next morning and noticed my roommate was gone. I texted him and got this response: “I got a phone call last night about Sam. I’m at Planned Parenthood getting tested.”
Priceless.
Replace his white t-shirts with ones that are a size smaller.
This technique works well with flip flops, shoes, fitted hats, and towels. You can take it even further with tucking his sheets around his bed even tighter, sawing off the legs of his dresser, scootching his car seat all the way forward and putting wooden shims in the slide track, replacing his loofa with a smaller one, lowering all the pictures in his room, taking a link out of his watch band… All that kind of stuff.
It’s great, great fun.
If he has his own bathroom, coat the toilet seat with potassium permanganate. This will cause staining, resulting in giving him a ring aound the rosie.
Use clear tape and tape down the trigger on the kitchen sink spray thingy, then aim it towards the middle of the sink. When he turns on the water, it will hose him down.
V
c’mon now V, we got DBcooper up in here sending his roomie on a one way ticket to an insane asylum, and jizzing into shampoo bottles, and all you got is “kitchen sink spray thingy?”
I like you man and have read some of your work but step your game up!
We did this to my roommate in college: invest in a smoke/fog machine, in the middle of the night use some tubing to pipe in the fog through the bottom of the door or through a vent, eventually the room will fill with so much smoke that the smoke dector WILL go off. Lock your roomates door so that he is trapped inside with all the smoke, you will figure out a way to trap him inside, shims work nice in the door frame or pennies. The startling confusion of the smoke alarm going off along with actual smoke in the room will cause anyone to go into a panic for fearing of burning alive, your goal is to get him to jump out the window.
Now if you want to be real mean lock the windows too…
[quote]gbock wrote:
c’mon now V, we got DBcooper up in here sending his roomie on a one way ticket to an insane asylum, and jizzing into shampoo bottles, and all you got is “kitchen sink spray thingy?”
I like you man and have read some of your work but step your game up!
We did this to my roommate in college: invest in a smoke/fog machine, in the middle of the night use some tubing to pipe in the fog through the bottom of the door or through a vent, eventually the room will fill with so much smoke that the smoke dector WILL go off. Lock your roomates door so that he is trapped inside with all the smoke, you will figure out a way to trap him inside, shims work nice in the door frame or pennies. The startling confusion of the smoke alarm going off along with actual smoke in the room will cause anyone to go into a panic for fearing of burning alive, your goal is to get him to jump out the window.
Now if you want to be real mean lock the windows too…
[/quote]
Uhhh wouldn’t the fact that the smoke/fog doesnt smell like smoke from a fire ruin the joke because eh would be able to tell?
you ever woken up at 3AM with a smoke filled room and fire alarms going off? most people don’t take too much tiime to differentiate smells of different types of smoke…
Download a bunch of pictures of gerbils and save it in a folder on his computer. Print them all out and hide the pictures under his mattress. Name them. Stash some paper towel spools in his room. Tell his GF that you suspect a strange fetish.
slit his fucking throat
download a shitload of kiddie porn onto his laptop, then just sit back and wait for the Feds…
feed his girlfriend a bunch of roofies, then fuck the shit out of her while filming the whole thing and post it on his favorite porn site. Do the same thing to his mom and his sister.
Get him so violently ill that he’s bed-ridden for a week straight by putting a little bit of shit in his food, hide his cellphone and laptop and sabotage his car engine so he’s essentially cut off from the world for a few days. When people ask where he’s at, say you haven’t seen him in a week or so, then bribe someone at the local newspaper to put his obituary in the paper every day until all his friends are convinced he’s dead.
If he’s an animal lover, go down to the local Humane Society and get a dog they’re about to put down. Get a nail gun and nail the fucking thing to his bedroom door and let it bleed out there.
Feed him roofies and take him to a gay bar, then just leave him there. He’ll wake up the next day with an asshole like a jar of mayonnaise.
Is he in school somewhere? Get his student ID# and his SS# and then have him “drop out”.
Go into his work. Approach his boss and ask him if it’s possible to attach your buddy’s wages because he’s owed you $800 for some smack you fronted him months ago and he won’t return your phone calls.
Wake him up every morning with a brick to the face.
Put a drop or two of Visine in his drink. Do this every single day for as long as you know him. When he complains that his stomach is totally fucked and he keeps shitting himself, give him some Pepto-Bismol and act really sympathetic. Don’t tell him that you diluted the Pepto with a bunch of Maalox.
When he leaves for work in the morning, hide down the street and when he drives by, throw a bowling ball through his windshield. When he returns home from work (assuming he hasn’t had the windshield replaced) throw a fucking Molotov cocktail into his car.