Hello @anna_5588
I’ve been giving some thought to the cyclical event of you comparing yourself to others. And I’m digesting some ideas on the topic.
I wish I could help you help yourself out of that pattern by asking the right questions at the right time. But, I don’t think I’m that person. At least not yet. I don’t know how to teach, or guide you either. When helping others I’m trying more than I have in the past to take a step back, and not “tell” as much as a “coax”.
However, I’m hoping that inviting you into some of the thoughts and ideas that I’m digesting might have value for you. Although, I have yet to change my written voice so I acknowledge it may come across more as if I’m on the “telling”-spectrum than the “coaxing”-spectrum.
I hope that, despite this being entirely uninvited, that it’ll be easier to explore and possibly assimilate for future use if this at all gels with you. Or awaken something novel in yourself.
I’ve tried to allow myself to reframe what it means to be competetive. Not for all use of the word. I still believe there is something such as healthy competition. But, I’m talking about competition in the context of playing the comparison game.
I think it is very human to compare ourselves to others, but it rarely works in our favour. It can be a very tough situation to be in, and painful. I have experienced it myself, so I’m not closed off to the fact that when you, @anna_5588, mention how you perceive yourself — specifically in relation to others — that you are experiencing pain.
So, I have all the sympathy in the world for being in that situation!
And yet, I find myself personally drawn to viewing the entire ordeal in a harsher light. Ascribe to it words that have, to me, value. As in, they pass judgment. I don’t do that onto others though, just for myself when I find myself engaging in that behaviour.
It is not my intent that the hard tone is meant to close you off, or anyone else reading this for that matter, but to invite you alongside me to encourage a perspective wherein we desire for ourself to engage less in the behaviour of comparing ourselves to others so that we don’t perpetuate it in our future selfs.
But first, I’ll acknowledge that maybe it is a behaviour that has carried you some part of the way on the path that you are on. It certainly has for me. Sometimes, being competitive in this way affords tremendous clarity and makes it easy to take action in bettering ourselves. We feel that our own worth is challenged and that is potent fuel for change.
I’m probably not alone in believing that you are quite intelligent, your academic record certainly supports that. You are tremendously strong. And perhaps you accomplished some of that by way of comparing yourself to others.
Recently, I’ve allowed my mind to afford space for the idea that some competitiveness is enviousness in disguise, and that some competitiveness outside of sport might better be framed as being preoccupied with surpassing others by climbing atop them. That is to say, that when we are competitive in this way we are not being compassionate.
I’ve even entertained the idea that as we become detached, and void of compassion, that I’m being very self-involved(?)
Our success implies others not succeeding. And, when we are in this frame of mind, were we to make it to the top we’d expend all our energy fighting and defending our position. There is no calm, and no tranquility at the top of our goals which we so desperately aspire to reach.
What is so regrettable, when we distill our life into competition expressed in this form and measure ourselves against others as opposed to alongside others is that it’ll infest every avenue of our life. Everything we belong to, wear, eat, own, becomes an expression of status and achievement. This might not be true for you, 1:1, but maybe some parts of it have begun to be true. Some will. Some might never.
It extends further than that, friends, lovers (maybe not for you), and even family might become objectified as tokens or trophies. For me personally, that makes the comparison game very unpalatable. It doesn’t align with my perceived idea of how I myself desire to view others.
By engaging in this behaviour we close ourselves off from collaboration, and co-existence. And if we do collaborate, it is to serve our own agenda. Again, not something that vibes with me personally so I want to avoid behaving in this way and entertaining this mindset. Everything and everyone becomes subservient to what we believe others ascribe to us in the way of status. I’m sad to say that I’ve chosen company at times based on how others would perceive me. Which is idiotic, because I have to spend the most time with that company, not the would-be observers that I’m trying to impress.
We, or I, or you, may feel as if there is an end to this competition as we make a bullet-point list of our goals. Once we are there, we’d be content.
Would we?
Are we sure?
Or would we just find the next person that is besting us.
If ease, relaxation, and contentment will never come, and forever remain out of reach, as there is always another rung on the ladder(s) we can climb, doesn’t that also mean that we’ll never be truly satisfied (despite our achievements)? Doesn’t that mean that sharing this world with others, which we do, will always be able to lure out our anxiety?
And, is that a way to live a life?
I encourage to try and retain the clarity, and sharpness that competitiveness can afford and add to that some self-compassion and compassion against others. Allow yourself to celebrate yourself for where you are at, you are still allowed to build further ahead but you should focus on growing in relation to where you yourself are rather than playing catch-up to everyone that arrived at the race way before you and with other equipment.