My son’s absolute favorite. He’ll eat a 1 lb. cut of that in the blink of an eye.
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This is an important distinction. My wife was my best friend for 30 years before we ever had a romantic relationship, and if we had never had a romantic relationship she would still be my best friend. She’s smart, worldly, intuitive and emotionally intelligent. I’m book smart, I’m on the autism spectrum, and I’ve had to work very hard to gain what little emotional intelligence I have. We have more differences than similarities, but we’ve always complemented each other. We’re a great match partially because of our differences, like 2 puzzle pieces fitting together.
You don’t go into a relationship looking for someone specifically so they can help you emotionally, it’s something that grows organically as part of friendship. You will also be helping them emotionally, possibly without even realizing it.
I promise you that this isn’t true, and the fact that you think this concerns me.
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@anna_5588 listen to this man, he is a wise man. You can tell by the beard.
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@OTHSteve Thank you for the insight! Based on what you say, I guess I’m looking for a best friend, not a partner
I guess another part of my confusion may stem from the fact that my parents never talk about these things. They aren’t against it necessarily, but refuse to educate my little bro and I. I think they kind of just expect us to figure it out- like they did.
The “we had a perfect marriage before kids” is something my mum said. Also, they seem to fight exclusively about stuff pertaining to my little bro and I so…
Yes, cool beard = wisdom, just ask confuscius!
I agree with @OTHSteve. I’ve seen plenty of relationships get worse after having children, and I don’t know that the children have ever been the cause. If anything, the couple has usually been able to get by without developing certain communication skills, without being honest and aware of what each other’s level of commitment to the relationship is, or without being aware of or honest with themselves regarding red flags.
I just don’t know of anyone who had a truly perfect relationship (do these even exist? Probably no) and it was solely having kids that ruined things.
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My dad used to say that. To us, while very drunk and lashing out in self pitying rage.
He did an immeasurable amount of damage with things like that.
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I was hoping this wasn’t going to be your response to my comment, but I was afraid that it was. Please try to understand that this is flat out emotionally abusive behavior, telling your children this.
This, and additionally I’ve seen relationships where the people in the relationship had children thinking it would make a bad relationship better. It almost never works out this way.
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Yup. One of my cousins and his girlfriend did this. Both came from broken families, “loved“ each other, and just wanted to make their own family to replace what they felt they lacked in their own childhoods. They didn’t last long after the birth of their son, unfortunately.
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Putting aside the fact that this is a disgusting thing to say to a child, this statement is never true. Nobody’s perfect, but your parents are blessed to have you, Anna.
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Yeah, I couldn’t let this one pass either. I was already pretty sure that Anna’s mother was a toxic influence on her, and then to read this…
Anna, she probably means well in most things, but you really need to emancipate yourself and get a lot of distance.
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I’m glad you picked up on this @flappinit. Glad you afford yourself this nuance, not just to yourself, but to @anna_5588 and everyone else on the board as well. To share a personal anecdote along the same tangent, a healthcare professional once illicited the phrase “no one talks like that” to me when I felt as if I was genuinely expressing my reality to the best of my ability. I, like Anna, talk about things in a very detached way. I’m not sure I could finish a tough conversation in any other way.
Anna, evidently we share some issues on a surface level (sneers at food). I’ve oftentimes felt that I see a lot of similarities between us, but I’m not sure that is mutual. If you’ve ever caught the same vibe, I’d be happy to elaborate on why I mention it - otherwise I do not want to colour your thought process with mine.
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I think these are the kinds of things it’s important to tell a therapist. As someone with a similar parent, you’ve really got to talk to someone who can help you pull out these irrational beliefs and address them.
Otherwise they’ll just continue to colour your opinion of yourself. How can you have any self confidence if you geniunely believe something like “I ruined a perfect marriage”?
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I have nothing to add except that I agree with the above posts.
The only reason I haven’t liked @Cyrrex post is that I balk at the idea implied of cutting your mother off completely. I otherwise agree with him for once.
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Honestly, I don’t even mean it in a “cease all contact” kind of way. Some physical and emotional distance for sure, but more importantly…don’t let a toxic person have any actual power over your choices and decisions. If that person currently has power, change your situation.
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I will respond later. At the gym
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I want to add, it looks an awful lot like we’re piling on here, and that isn’t what I was aiming for at all. I know we’re strangers on the internet, but we’ve collectively seen a lot that gives us some perspective as to what you’re going through, and we genuinely want you to thrive. Like @Cyrrex said, we’re not saying your mom is a bad person, or that you should cease all contact, but you need to recognize toxic behavior for what it is, and develop a way to effectively cope with both the behaviors and the impact they’ve had on your life.
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Thought you were doing 2 days off
I took Saturday and yesterday off
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Oh, I’ve lost track of days but excited you planned off days and stuck to them!!!
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Okay, response time:
This is quite possible. Mum is much more ambitious and driven than dad and she helped him get to where he is rn, maybe there is some resentment (ie feeling like her investment isn’t paying off so to speak)
My personality is much more like my mum’s and my little bro is a lot like dad, hence why my little bro gets berated much more often. However, he also seems to have my dads ability to cope, was at boarding school for HS and a strong friend network
my mum seems to direct all her anger towards dad. She’ll start berating my little bro or I, but then it’ll quickly turn to berating dad, but in the berating, it feel like that the fight wouldn’t have happened if my little bro and I weren’t there. Also, when mum alludes to perfect marriage before kids, it isn’t when she’s mad. It feels more like self pity than anything
This is what I say when I tell them that I don’t want kids. I’m sure they do believe this, but to me, it seems like a case of “actions speak louder than words”.
This is one big lesson I’ve learned during the pandemic
@Voxel Hi! Glad you’re back. It seems like you’ve hit a rough patch. I’m so sorry. Really hope things get better. You, of all people, deserve it.
This actually got me into a lot of trouble in MS. I got in trouble and the principal didn’t believe that I was remorseful because of the way I communicated. Behavioural science has helped a lot wjth that
I do, but thought I was just projecting. Glad to know the feeling is somewhat mutual
I’m all ears
Yes! Detaching helps me cope. Often times when I’m getting berated, I try and analyze the words and construct responses or connect the phrasing to something I’ve learned from podcasts/class