You should eat some of it without worrying about ‘fitting it in’.
I can sadly relate very well to that thanks to an extremely volatile ex-wife who I am well rid of. I don’t blame you not wanting to be around that.
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Your mom certainly sounds like a stressor. Food isn’t always necessarily a stressor with disordered eating - it’s the disordered eating that is a result, or a symptom, of the stressor, which is usually just body image in general.
You’re free to not answer this, but I wonder if you’ve kept up with therapy. I also feel as if “therapy” and “therapist” are quite broad terms, when what is usually required to treat eating and image-related disorders is specifically cognitive behavioral therapy (correct me if I’m wrong @EmilyQ), and requires a specialist.
Again, no need to confirm or deny any of this, I just want to pop the thought into your head - there continues to be a theme of you relaying perfect nutritional habits when questioned, and everything always seems to be perfect, but I must stress that the level of fatigue and discomfort that you frequently report, at your age, is startlingly abnormal, and as a parent, and as a sort-of-internet-friend of yours, I genuinely care for your health. 3 deployments, multiple broken bones and herniated discs, and a decade of age on you, and I rarely feel what you describe.
Even if you don’t want to discuss or acknowledge any unhealthy mental processes you may have going on, try to keep in mind, life can be better than it is. I think it’s easy to see @T3hPwnisher’s log and hear about his pains and aches and relate them to your own, but I think you’re getting a skewed view of things. He’s an incredibly active dad who never drinks or smokes, and besides the muscular and connective pain he subjects himself to along with the insane eating schedule, I think (could be wrong) that by and large, he feels better than the average person, and is energetic and vibrant. He is just a private person and doesn’t describe his life as a husband and father much, so maybe we don’t see it, but the way he describes being beaten up is so different from how you describe it. There’s a mental fatigue that seeps through your descriptions that isn’t there with him - it’s all connective tissue and targeted muscles, not “feel like crap” and lack of motivation. I think your reports speak to me because, despite you not drinking or using drugs, when I WAS using and drinking a ton, and not sleeping or taking care of myself, I felt exactly like you say you feel, all the time.
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I am going to go with what I said and that you look better now at a higher, healthier weight. Sounds like your mom may have been/is contributing to some of your body image issues.
Like @tlgains said, muscle is sexy, always.
Heavier does not always equate to unhealthy nor skinny to healthy.
Ohhh boy… I’m very surprised my dad hasn’t ditched, especially since both my little bro and I are in uni now. Being an uncertified marriage counselor for the past 5 years hasn’t been fun. She’s a very good person and cares a lot, but is prone to unpredictable outbursts
@flappinit thank you for the support. I concur with what you’re describing. I do think a lot of what I have been feeling lately(ie past year and a half) is related to being stuck at home and being bored. I’m much happier at school or when I have stuff to distract me. It’s also hard to have a great mood when my sleep quality is perpetually messed up bc of buggy neck.
As for looking good on paper, that’s my greatest talent 
@cyclonengineer i honestly do not care what others think about my body. I workout for myself
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That’s a good attitude to have, and I think that’s what you are shooting for, but from your other posts, your mom’s comments definitely affect your patterns of behavior. Something only you and your therapist can unpack.
Everybody cares at least a little bit what others think…it’s human nature.
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Okay, maybe they comment wasn’t the best one considering what I study
I mean that I wouldn’t care if someone called me too muscular or that I look like a man or that I’m ugly(my face isn’t exactly pretty and there’s nothing I can do about that) . I would pay attention if someone called me fat, but mostly because I see fat as a sign of laziness, not because I think it’s ugly. There are plenty of women with higher body fat than me who are much more attractive
This is a lot of power to give to other people.
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Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You are young and in shape and going to a large university. I guarantee more than 1 person there is going to find/finds you attractive.
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Maybe, but I rather it be because I can DO stuff others aren’t willing/ able to.
For example, I like the guy I kept talking about not because he’s attractive or in shape(he’s neither imo) but because he smart, incredibly hard working and accomplished yet nice enough to spend considerable time helping me with maths and listening to me explain my research interests or read the papers I send him
Being attracted to someone is not a one variable equation. Physical attraction is important but so are all the other things you mentioned.
Maybe a better way to put it is someone may be interested in you for your physique (initially) and then more attracted when getting to know you.
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Can we make this a mandatory sticky for all teenagers to read please?
They would just do as teenagers do and tend to ignore it. Some things in life, as you know, are only learned through experience.
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Been busy, but wanted to say you nailed it. I feel amazing, despite being beat down. I like the Fight Club quote of “we just had a near life experience”, as I see this as LIVING my fullest. I went through a bit of a dark rut during COVID when dealing with my health issues and actually tried to be as transparent with my thoughts as possible during that time to show that I do have vulnerabilities and demonstrate the difference between the two states.
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I would like you to consider my application for this club please. Coming at training and life from slightly different angle but this pretty much sums me up right now.
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Week 12: Day 4
20x(2 power cleans+3 front squat+1 press)EMOM-85lbs @jdm135
Pullups: 4x2 w/ 2 sec pause at bottom and 3 sec eccentric, 5x1-10lbs
Rows: 3x6-85lbs, strict
- armour building complex felt good and not as bad as expected, could have done 30rds, pretty happy w/myself considering that it’s 80% bodyweight, pullups and rows felt good and strong
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Awesome work. Strength and conditioning both needed to pull that off.
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You’d forget what an animal Anna is between all the psychoanalysis and college talk
Round and round this goes.
I went home briefly the summer after I started lifting. My mom commented that I was getting bigger. I confess that my relationship with my mom is garbage and practically non-existent now for other reasons, but that comment is unforgettable. Not in the sense that what she thinks of my body nags me but that people like her are not people I want to be around. She was critical when I was at my skinniest, suffering from disordered eating, too. I am in no position to judge Anna’s parents, but I am glad that my mom has essentially zero opportunities to judge me now, whether that be on physical appearance or whatever else. I think Anna recognizes being trapped with her family during most of the pandemic has negatively affected her but does not realize how much she has internalized her mother’s attitudes.
I don’t think I nor anyone else here can assist Anna anywhere near as well as quality therapy. I imagine others agree. Again, I am in no position to judge her relationship with her therapists, especially as I know few to no details, yet I cannot help but wonder if an eating disorder specialist might be crucial to effect change.
Anna also seems to internalize the same mental quirks as other posters, who are male, eat plenty of food in a way that works for them, and do not approach their training or lives robotically. I do not think Anna likes to acknowledge that her digestive issues and relationship with exercise, selective food choices, and mental state may go hand-in-hand. Given her level of activity, I would be surprised if she recovers her menstrual cycle without adding starch to her diet and or dialing back her compulsive binge-exercise behavior. I am not saying women cannot fare well on low to zero carb diets – there are many examples on the Internet, unsurprisingly – but female bodies are less resilient than those of men. I am confident that most other female strength athletes – not casual exercisers – would agree that removing starch does no favors. And as far as I know, Anna is biologically female, even if she almost does not want to acknowledge it.
Not much here that I have not said before. Mere Internet exchanges cannot remedy this, as much as I and others might hope a little.
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@Bagsy @cyclonengineer @dagill2
I know I complain a lot about mum a lot, but she’s not toxic or abusive. I love her a lot. The problem is that her mood is unpredictable and she has a tendency to “explode” at seemingly the smallest triggers. She also has a tendency to be overly anxious. I do not deal well with uncertainty and unpredictability and always having to “walk on eggshells” is extremely stressful. Just yesterday, she suddenly felt regret about bringing back the barbell and spent two hours cussing me, my dad and my paternal grandparents out. Literally by 2pm, she was sharing cat videos and transferring me money.
The other frustrating part is that when she’s mad, she won’t listen to anything. Any defense is an “excuse” and ignores all evidence contrary to what she thinks
@flappinit To address something you wrote in pwn’s log. My dad is trying his best, at least with me. I guess his biggest “display of love” is not ditching and basically acting as a human shield. He also spent a lot of time doing stuff with ME. OTOH, he basically ignored my little bro
A lot of the things you’ve said about her make her seem extremely toxic. I’m in therapy right now, had a session today actually. We are working on self esteem and self worth, turns out having fucked up parents can really screw you up.
You and I probably share the same internal critic, which is sad.
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