A non-native speaker articulated it much better than I have! This is how I feel whenever I read Anna’s log.
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Theres a lot i wish i did differently when it came to school. Math is cool though thats for sure
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Week 6: Day 4- ONLY 2 MORE LEFT!!!
2x(6/side, 6/side, 4/side)_32lbs, intensity mod, no rest btw rounds
- nothing of note
Still not happy w/ looks but less fluffy. When is the goddamn recomp going to happen
Update: dad sent me a “promising article” where the head of the China CDC ostensibly said travel restrictions might be lifted for vaccinated folks in May. Unfortunately, after parsing through diplomatic language, the early acceptance of foreign vaccines seems to be contingent on acceptance of Sinovac. that is 1. not likely to happen and 2. I don’t trust Sinovac, there’s no way the US government will
On the positive note: mum has budged a bit on the barbell, said might consider as birthday gift 
@kdjohn For me, gut issues => stomach bulging out 4in after eating something that doesn’t agree/too much, non stop gas, a weird combo of constipation and diarrhea in which I’m blocked up, but what does come out is borderline liquid. There’s also pain, occasional cramps and feeling full and hungry at the same time.
it sucks.
When I was younger, I’d get extremely painful gas buildup on my right side at least once a week that’d keep me up all night. I’d also throw up frequently for no reason. Got so bad once that the doc thought I had appendicitis.
That cleared up after I decided to not be fat and eat clean
Since everyone is running , I thought I’d jump on the bandwagon
~3.5 miles in ~31min
5x(15rows/side+15squats)-25lbs
- very disappointed in myself, felt like I was cruising at a pretty good pace, but nope… slow AF, this used to be my easy run pace
- I am actually pretty tempted to start a half marathon training plan
Anna, does this mean your cycle has returned? That is fantastic news if true.
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No, cycle has not returned. According to the gynecologist, it won’t come back for at least another 2 months
Ah. In that case, leanness may be a contributor. My sleep isn’t great, but getting better as I have put on weight.
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Great running start! You can already run more than 3 miles at a decent clip. I’m sure your speed will come back soon.
I assume you have discussed starting running with your doctor and your therapist and that they have given you the green light. If not, you should do so.
I have written about running in my log, but I have not written about my diet.
This is a quote from an article about running that summarizes my approach to food as a runner and an athlete:
“ Eat enough, always. Eat too much, sometimes. Eat too little, never.
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Anna, regardless of what your doctor told you, it often takes years to recover from what you have and are currently doing to your body. Your period won’t magically return consistently after 2 months of eating enough, which I still doubt you are doing anyway.
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+1
I love running but it has gotten me to an unhealthy place in the past physically.
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LOL 
5 years ago, I ran 10 miles at this pace followed by 400m of walking lunges holding 2 20lb dumbbells
No, I haven’t. I just like running and am using it to supplement my “lifting”. I like running
yeah… maybe
I really am not that lean anymore. I’ve gained 10lbs of mostly fat from what I can tell, and I tend to store most of my fat in my lower body, which isn’t in the pictures I take. Honestly, my legs don’t look like the legs of someone that lifts, pretty much covered in blubber
Well, somehow I’m not eating enough AND gaining fat at the same time???
Biology is weird
Your body image and eating disorders make you a poor judge of this, as I am sure you are aware. Meanwhile your biological markers are still pointing to being too lean for health.
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@sterner
I was/am a HUGE WWII nerd. My grandparents are also professors of Mao Zedong thought.
I think my dad started it, but, I definitely didn’t object. In third grade, I remember wanting to dress as a red army soldier for halloween and got in big trouble for bringing a plastic gun to school
It’s not entirely image based
I gained 10lbs of tissue. Studies suggest that a reasonable rate of muscle gain for females in .25-.5% per month under fairly “ideal” training conditions, which was certainly not the case for me in the past year => mostly fat. I’ve training decently hard, at least I think???, but doing pistols, shrimp squats and goblets squats with 25 and 45lb kettlebells cannot compare with squatting 150+ or deadlifting 200+lbs
So basically I"m just going to have to accept being fatter than I like? I do NOT want to the BF% I was before I started this fitness thing
You rule out glycogen, water and food mass because doing so fits your narrative.
I have said this to you multiple times 
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You have to keep repeating to yourself that being as fat as you like is unhealthy. The point of this is to make a healthy level of leanness be “what you like”. When you can learn to genuinely accept being fatter than you currently like, you’ll then, by definition, be as fat as you like, without the detriment to your physical and mental health.
You also misuse the word “lean”. Obviously this is an extreme example that does not directly apply to you, but if you took a starving kid in Africa and compared him to a corn-fed Texas boy, would you call the starving kid “leaner”?
Honestly, I’ve seen a bunch of pictures of you by this point, and you never looked more “lean” than you do now.
Go eat a rack of lamb from Costco.
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While some are indeed maturing slower, some are discouraged because it feels like we have to invest so much effort on a future we no longer have.
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What was your bf % before you started lifting and what it is now? And how do you even know whether those are accurate when it’s known that most commonly used methods are not very accurate to begin with?
Sure, I understand. I like running too. Unfortunately, running might increase disordered eating—you know the lighten the load mentality. I’ll be faster, if I’m smaller. It is an insidious sometimes unconscious thought or tendency. For that reason, I think it’s appropriate to discuss the risks and benefits of running with your treatment providers.
Also, although this has been said many a time, I will chime in here as a woman who naturally no longer has a cycle. Your biological age right now is probably over 50. Your body is functioning as if you have gone through menopause. You gain weight more easily. You have trouble sleeping. You sometimes have trouble concentrating.
You want to look and feel better, get your period back. Might you have to go through a period of disequilibrium where your body over corrects and carries more fat—yep. But until you go through that period you will never get to the other side—where you feel and function better—where your body is youthful and has the advantages of youth.
Aging ain’t that bad…but wait your damn turn!
It’s ironic that so much of your thought process is focused on future Anna, old Anna. You’re future old Anna now.
Please follow the advice of your treatment providers and seek their advice as needed.
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I’ve never measured (and I don’t trust scales), but I was 4ft10, 97lbs, didn’t exercise and ate crap.
The only reason I wasn’t bullied despite being fat and very much different is because 1) my school had a very strict policy 2) I think my classmates were a bit scared of me after I kicked a girl so hard during a PE soccer game that they thought she had micro-fractures in her shin (was suspended for that).
yeah…
I don’t intend to really focus on running, just want to be able to run a half marathon at will. I used to be able to do this. I actually accidentally ran one once because I was doing a 15km loop, got lost and ended up running an extra 5k
I guess I just hate losing progress. I worked very hard NOT to be fat.
The idea of “there’s no such thing as maintenance” is very painful for me, but I accept it.
Also, my little brother is coming back for a bit in the summer. He had gotten a bit pudgy while home, but since returning to school (boarding school) and playing sports => he’s probably gotten fitter and lost the pudge. Meanwhile, I’m getting fatter
I’ve never really liked myself and 2020 certainly hasn’t helped