Yeah. In 12 step stuff they say “You can’t fix this head with this head.” amongst other things.
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Mmmhm. At work, if it suits the issue, we spend a lot of time on discerning thoughts vs feelings. Most people think “worries” are thoughts, and some of them are, of course, but many aren’t. What’s fear-based, what’s information-based.
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Me and my therapist just had a big discussion on exactly that, and how our brains register worrying as having worked when something that one has been worrying about does not happen.
Then the reward is relief, and the cycle is reinforced. And when it does happen-You were right! Big reward blast of validation!
I worry too much, too often about too many things that I have no control over.
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@Voxel @vision1
I’m supposed to get back “on program” today but I really don’t want to. Can I just do unstructured workouts that sound fun until the end of the semester (dec. 16) or should I exercise more discipline, because I certainly don’t have any motivation right now
The other option would be to push it today and tomorrow, then take Wednesday- December 15th off. The problem with that is that I haven’t really been pushing any heavy weights to merit a deload like that
I’m not either of the two you’ve tagged but I’m tagging in on this. You do realize your body (and mind) are still in complete crisis mode, right? Taking a day (or week) off is a great idea right now. You should. Weight-wise, you’re in a marginally better place but you still have work to do to gain enough weight to make your body function the way it’s intended to. Take your day (or several) off and don’t try to compensate by lowering food. Despite your mental issues with the weight gain, you are making slight progress and need to keep it up.
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I don’t necessarily want to not train, I just don’t want to do anything structured
Hmm. I don’t go there. I’m not sure worry is validated when the feared event doesn’t happen, it more seems like it just gets forgotten and the next worry in line takes its place. But I’ll keep it in mind and sort of let the idea simmer.
I’ve been using Headspace’s metaphor since hearing it, that thoughts (worries) are like traffic. You can just watch it pass without having to think any further about it. Reaction isn’t always needed, particularly on the part of anxious people.
So back to topic, @anna_5588’s “I’m fat” can be a thought that spurs…nothing. It’s identified as a thought (really an emotion, fear) and then let to pass. Which I think is what @Voxel has been describing. He has these thoughts/feelings, but doesn’t act upon them. He stays his pre-determined course. The thoughts pass by, like traffic.
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I like this.
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The great thing about being your own autonomous human being is that you can do whatever you desire, most of the time, and within reason.
You are asking for my opinion, and I’ll reply with not feeling equipped to answer. On the hand, you seem blessed to have a body that tells you pretty much exactly what you need. I don’t think any biofeedback you’ve ever outlined in the log has been at odds with what I’d expect given all the givens. Some people that visit these forums aren’t as fortunate, their body (or is it their mind 
) will tell them to stop far earlier than they need to to spur on the change that they want to see in their body.
What your mind encourages you toward isn’t as much of a blessing. And that’s why I’m apprehensive. I’m not certain that what you view as fun isn’t on a path of self-destruction.
However, I don’t think that what you need to exercise at the moment is discipline with regards to training but we’ve been down the rabbit-hole of discussing whether or not what you do is actually an exhibition of discipline or asceticism.
I much more support @garagerocker13 s idea here. Take a week, maybe two, maybe a month, off.
Your body is indeed in complete crisis mode. I’m not a healthcare professional, however I’ve been thinking about two things recently and I don’t have the mental fortitude to dig through your log for the answers at the moment. I don’t believe your period has returned, whether or not that is because of your HRT or your BMI or your iron intake (conceivable lack thereof) is the reason.
Further, even if it is not your HRT, and your BMI is about 20 now? You are 5’0, yes?
Even if you take iron tablets, you also consume so much fiber I worry you might not be able to take it all up. And most of what I know about nutrition and training does not take into account the 27-30k steps so who knows what your actual dietary needs are. The disconcerting thing about eating disorders and vitamin deficiencies is that they don’t necessarily register on a blood panel because of how much water the person is drinking/not drinking and/or their salt intake as what ends up being consumed might not actually have the ability to bind in the body.
So that’s one thing. The other is your depression, and I wonder if that relates at all to eating too few carbs in relation to your needs. You don’t have enough carbohydrates left over to manufacture serotonin. Maybe. Playing a guessing game here.
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My vote would be to take a week completely off.
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Well, sometimes yes, this works. I’ve recently had a relapse so despite intellectually having a genuinely good grasp of all the mechanisms that feed into this nonsense I can still lose a battle here and there.
It seems to me that most of the time our bodies and psyches are amenable to piece-meal change and don’t really like it when things move too quickly even if we are on a path we ourselves selected.
I started training and eating very aggressively at the same time, but put on too much weight in too short a time frame. I ignored the body when it said “hey buddy, I’m full” and ate more because I had my goals. Eventually, there came a day when I disliked the changes in the mirror too much and regressed.
I’m not sure it’s possible to escape the clutches of a disorderly relationship with eating and training without also experiencing some discomfort. But, if there is discomfort, and the discomfort is growing then at least for myself personally the intention is to plateau there until the discomfort dies down to levels that I managed to maintain. Much like how a training program that doesn’t rely on linear progression would work.
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But I, we, they… 
Thanks for that. Traffic is a good way of conceptualizing it for me, and letting it pass by.
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The issue is that your default “unstructured” anything is self-destructive at best. You need a strictly-regimented program to back yourself off of years of damaging training and eating. Going unstructured for you will just be an excuse to grind yourself further into dust than you already are.
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This reminds me of the style of cognitive behaviour therapy I’ve been receiving. We merely observe thoughts, preferably with curiosity so we can explore and understand them, but we don’t attach a good/bad label to any thought.
Curiosity, yes. That’s the attitude I’m always after. It really doesn’t matter what the issue is, let’s be curious about: your troubled marriage, your drinking habits, your self-harm, your low self-esteem, the trauma you’ve suffered. We’re trying to decide what “happy” looks like and head in that direction.
I copied this over from the Flame Free Confession Thread because I don’t want to fill that with things not relevant to that thread.
I think this gets to the heart of your issue. You seem to be suffering under the delusion that you are trying really hard to keep yourself from “slipping”. And you clearly believe that you need great self discipline and control to keep yourself from “slipping”.
You are mistaking what Polar-Bear (I presume) meant.
He is talking of how people let themselves go to seed as they age.
He is talking of those who eat calorie dense foods without issue in their 20s and 30s and don’t know that they’ll probably have issues in their 40s and 50s.
He’s talking of those who kept their physique and mobility without issue in their 20s and 30s and don’t know that they’ll have to work harder to keep the same in their 40s and 50s.
In other words- he is talking of the natural effects of aging and how most people aren’t aware that they’re seeing the negative effects of it until it’s probably too late.
None of this should apply to you because you’re … what, 19 years old?
Anna, you already “slipped”. You “slipped” the moment you allowed your body to suffer so much that you started getting hormonal issues.
Speaking of- how’s your health?
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Since you asked Voxel and vision1 for guidance, perhaps you’re willing to open yourself up for others.
Follow this diet-
Do not fill your plate to the brim with green veggies. You need to stop eating so much fucking veggies- they are not good for you in the amount you previously wrote you’re eating.
Do ONLY phase one of this workout plan-
I think you can do it in a circuit if you wish. Given your bodyweight strength level this should be easy. Good. That is the fucking point.
Or, it may not, since Colucci specifically states “proper technique”! Proper technique on bodyweight movements are deceptively hard.
Stop doing weighted walks. Go on unweighted walks and walk no more than 10k steps a day.
Do this for a while. Do not pay attention to your weight. Do not pay attention to what the mirror says.
I don’t think she should avoid carbs, why do you?
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I just feel the need to comment that, when you’re currently dying as a result of malnutrition and your “biggest fear” is being fat when you’re old, this is an alarming sign.
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Agreed 100% That is what I was trying to get at with my post.
It makes no sense to address concerns about the long-term effects of aging and being potentially overweight by destroying your current health.
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