Was fired up to finally go to World’s but I got there without thinking about their hours and they had just closed. Shit. Went back to the little club gym and put a hurting on those executive stacks and forty pound dumbells. Chased out all the older folks in there with my grunting and sweating…I really didnt care tonight. Great workout but only one I’ve had since my last day off.
Guys, I'm hanging tough, and on a day off today (my first after 14 straight tough days), I'm always ready to lift but also ready to THINK. And that is not always a good thing for me. I realize what is happening to me is much the same as what happened to me for much of my career...long, spirit draining work takes the fire for heavy barbell lifting out of me. I never really looked at it that way, because when I was starting my career, career meant everything and my home gym workouts kept me buff and reasonably strong and that seemed enough.
Now it is not the same, I feel deprived of my joy, given up voluntarily before, but this time seemingly TAKEN. I am not sure how much is the work, and how much hypothyroidism and maybe some other neuro-endocrine issues, but I am absolutely dead at the end of each work day. Now, I am dreaming of what I can do, like take massive stimulants at about six at work, get out by seven-ish, and get to the gym by eight and really lift again. I have already tried a Red Bull plus coffee, still fell asleep on the sofa in my gym clothes one time.
Maybe methamphetamine or cocaine…never tried those! (just kidding guys) But maybe some short acting prescription stimulants, damn, am I nuts here? This is the same guy who couldnt wait to get to the gym every day for the past six months in Costa Rica.
Part of what's bumming me out is my houses arent selling and arent likely too by the look of things, so I might be facing long term work doing exactly what I'm doing now. Like three more years of this. I'd move the family up to be with me, but this would be my life. Can't seem to come up with that balance...somebody else started a thread on that didnt they?
If any of you have any ideas, out of the box or in, let me know. I'm fresh out of brainstorms. Doc
Doc,
It’s great of you to share with us. I wish I could offer advice for you but you know as much a I that we each must strike our own balance. I’ve read your posts with much interest and they’ve inspired me. Though younger than you (36) I’ve got some of the same issues and my own struggles. I’ll never clean/lift the weights you can now short of a spine transplant with my discs the way the are and even on TRT I can still only get no more then one limited workout a week without crashing for weeks (adrenal fatigue).
But I’ve crawled out of the pit of my depression enough to appreciate that you have to be alive to complain about stuff and that’s a start. I wish I had the strength to work the long hours you are putting in to dig my own family out of debt. HRT has allowed me to work up to a 40 hour week again but no more (yet, I hope) and my shattered health crushed my shot at grad school and a chance at the gold ring of a middle class income (and problems) for now (again, I hope).
I’ve got my own debts that seem monstrous to me in perspective to my ability to generate $. I despair of ever overcoming them even as they rock the foundation of my life as yours have. Keep on keeping on Doc. Enduring the mundane drudgery of our lives isn’t as sexy as hitting a PR or strutting in the gym but our response to the daily bland hell is still part of what defines us. That was the one lesson that I learned early and have tried to keep up with as my health crumbled around me: work ethic, stubborness, plain old mule headedness can be a positive thing if you use it right.
I am trying hard now to see each rep of each workout that I can do as the reward instead of just a step on the road to my far off goals that I may never meet.
Glad as hell to hear from you. You already know everything I have to say but maybe hearing from a friend may help. Here goes. Things are better than they were. They’re not what you,not what the family want but they are better. You will lift another day hopefully one day with your fat buddy Barry. I do some work with a Pulmonologist works similiar hours, days as you.
After patients, billing, bs paperwork he’s dead. Right know your head(big one) is the main muscle that you need to attend to. Take what little time you have to meditate. You know me and Dyer and Chopra. You know the importance of attitude and coping with bullshit. I’m with and behind you all the way for what its worth. You have the number if you need to chat. Hope you get to watch the games Sunday. I’m pretty sore and heading for the bed. Take care.
Doc, if you’re fueling your body with a proper diet of vegetables and meats and getting sleep, I don’t think I’d be turning to stimulants to keep me going. Sometimes you’re tired because your body is telling you something. If the diet is right, then maybe you’re not getting the right volume of sleep, and obviously that could relate to your inability to turn the brain off at night time.
Barry might have nailed it with the meditation or relaxation angle, I’ve never done it, but it can’t hurt.
With the thoughts on property… don’t we tend to magnify what we focus on in our lives? If you’re constantly thinking about your houses, then they will constantly weigh you down.
Maybe just go into cruise control for a while, like we did as young fella’s, caution to the wind and all that. I reckon a young Doc would’ve just worked 'cause he had to, trained when he could, rested when he needed to; and bugger the rest of the shit to hell, it’ll take care of itself, in time.
Think about the good shit Doc, life WITH the family, houses being sold, work becoming enjoyable… let those thoughts invade your mind and go to sleep with them in your head.
Barry and Duke, as usual you guys are always on point and keeping me focused. I cant sleep like I need to, call keeps me up all night 3 out of 7 nights…but I need to get back to more meditation and inspirational reading. Lately I’ve fallen into the habit of mindless interent surfing…like watching that idiot Tom Cruise ranting on about Scientology (he makes me feel very sane!)
Grimnuruk, a new poster on my thread is always welcome, and your words meant a lot to me. Although Duke was telling me basically the same thing, your story hit me like a brick...about how fortunate I am in many ways. Although I am operating at maybe 95% capacity already and the correction of how I THINK could get me that last 5 (or fifteen!) percent, I sometimes need to step back and remember what I have done to get here. I have overcome serious injury. I am overcoming multi-organ endocrine failure or dysfunction. I have averted bankruptcy, and am now on the path to rebuilding at least enough wealth to retire again. My family is OK. And, I'm not exactly weak for a 51 year old guy.
Even as I write these words, a smile comes to my face. I felt like shit after I wrote my last post, actually wanted to edit it down to nothing but decided to let it be; its how I was feeling and thinking.
There probably is no miracle solution which can suddenly give me an easy life, but the life I have right now I can do a far better job of making peace with. That has never been particulary easy for me, because I have been highly driven, intense, ambitious, and convinced throughout life that success was always going to come my way. Now I have been humbled by life, yet some of those inner mental programs still disturb my peace. Being a shrink, I am not terribly proud that I havent got such a great handle on this part, but hey, I never said I was perfect! lol
Today will be a great day, I bartered with someone...free therapy for a free massage...to be followed by six hours of playoff football. Now THAT is perfect. Doc
And I thought my life was tough…
Short version: Got injured (L4-L5) in 2002 employer fired me while on light duty. (broke the law) got away w/it for two plus years. I used to be a chef, needed a temp job while waiting for a the French restaurant next door to open, unable to work got evicted lost everything I owned, had to live at a men’s shelter (that literally stunk, too) had no medical provided, well, you get the picture.
It’s now five plus years later, and the employers insurance company is doing everything they can to not be financially responsible for my medical needs. I have filed literally forty appeals in the last five years to make these people obey the law, after they were ORDERED to do something.
After 60 days they get ordered, they appeal the decision, then another 60 days go by, and they get ordered again. Since there are no legal ramifications for ignoring the court order, we start all over again…
The United States of Nevada doesn’t care about employees unless they don’t show up for work, then they’re fired.
Doc, been keeping tabs on this thread in particular, but always read any of your comments if i happen across them. You mentioned hypothyroidism in this thread but i never saw you mention it before. You taking anything for it (ie: synthroid)?
Man being on call sucks…I administer some high profile servers and when it rains it pours. I was up for almost two days on thanksgiving, when I did get to the office I was too tired to leave and had to sac out for 4 hours on a bean bag…the anxiety alone on pager duty wrecks me.
[quote]Dr.PowerClean wrote:
Throwing a ball of iron in the mud while screaming was something very childlike and primitive and certainly Freud would have had a field day with it (there’s a pun there…it just kinda slipped out).
[/quote]
Had to send you this picture, Doc. (No, not of the incredibly good looking thrower but of the shot.)
I come home from a day full of sad stories and FUBARED folks, and it really is awesome to have some posts to read on my thread.
Hel, you made me laugh, I loved throwing in the mud…it never mattered and you knew exactly where your shot landed!
rfish-call sucks. PERIOD.
poophead-I sat around in Costa Rica like a turnip for a year and a half, enjoying the view and writing my memoirs, but I thought it odd that I had no energy. DUH. Hypothyroid on top of hypogonadal and adrenal burnout. I just got some lab tests back, even on my dose of 100 mcg of Armour thyroid I was low normal at 1.1. Going up to 150. Should help. I like the Armour more than Synthroid, my T3 was relatively lower than my T4. (Synthroid is pure T4, armour both).
KNB, yeah, on top of everything I also had a big legal battle after my accident. Four years of fucking lawyers and Allstate-bought doctors who all consipired to try to screw me out of medical reimbursement for an obvious back injury caused by a lady running off the road at 60mph and slamming into me in my driveway!!! Plus I had terrible health insurance which didnt cover my surgeries or rehabs because they deemed them "experimental".
So, thanks to a great friend and bulldog lawyer, we fought like hell and BEAT Allstate into a high settlement (rare), but between lawyer’s fees and unpaid medical bills, I broke even with enough left over for a good meal at Outback. It’s not like in the movies, where the “victim” always walks away with millions. Hah.
Hey, aint life grand! Keep writing guys, so will I, no telling where this thread is going with me. But you don't have to worry about me quitting the thread anymore, this thing is helping keep me close to sane. Doc
My sharemarket woes will be healed by visiting my friends in the gym today.
Beautiful ladies and friendly fellas, takes the mind off other shit going on… especially the ladies
I’m into a CD called Holosync which is a musical meditation-inducer, supposed to get your brain waves into the proper rhythyms conducive to relaxation. I like it. I’ve tried it to help me sleep, but that doesnt work so well. But if I do it when I get home, it helps “wipe my brain” much better than just TV, computer, etc.
Today I actually got home at 530 (shock), did my program, and then was able to get revved up and workout. And actually did 12 reps with the stacks of 200 on the various exercises tonight, an improvement. I still had to red bull/coffee before the workout, but it all worked, so maybe if I can stay extremely efficient, get home before seven, I can do this little regimen and get much more working out in. I feel great tonight.
I have to really put my foot down to stupid work requests. I got consulted today to a comatose patient in the ICU. What did they want me to do, telepathy? And it isnt my job to call relatives and such, thats the job of the ICU doc and his assistants. So I told the doc straight up "Call me IF and WHEN your patient wakes up." He was pissed, but I didnt give a damn. Didnt bother me one iota. In the past, I would have spent an hour trying to be Sherlock Holmes or that CSI guy trying to piece together clues...but not anymore. I got my ass home, and as a result I could get in a workout.
Being nice and going the extra mile have always been positive qualities others have attributed to me, but there is a time and place for that. There is also a time to set firm limits and looking out for number one. I need more of part two right now. Doc
I have to really put my foot down to stupid work requests. I got consulted today to a comatose patient in the ICU. What did they want me to do, telepathy?
Wacko??? On the flip-side if you could have communicated with the comatose patient your money problems would be over. I hope you’re doing well under the circumstances. As Deepak would say," go inside and Meditate". Take care my friend. Oops how 'bout a quote?
The most I can do for my friend is simply be his friend.
Henry David Thoreau
See ya.
Damn, Barry, I’m gonna go back and see if I can get a “reading” from that coma patient. Maybe she can tell me “I took 68 oxycontin because my husband is a wacko psychiatrist who doesnt bring home the bacon anymore.”
Hey, maybe bad taste, but what the hell, I havent sleep in two days. And things with the wife are better. Doc
I was looking through some photos from old meets and began to wander if there might not be some Freudian explanation behind why we do this? Expert opinion?
C’mon hel, everybody knows big guys like us speak softly but carry a big stick, especially when we’re wearing a sport kilt. And of course, guys with small dicks, drive big cars or throw the caber, right? It makes up for our feelings of inadequacy, huh?. And the best is when we are dippin’ or doin’ pull-ups with weight between our legs, that’s to give us some reassurance that we still have a set of iron balls swingin’ in da breeze, c’mon now!
Nice pic hel, I can’t wait for Doc’s reply!
[quote]Dr.PowerClean wrote:
Damn, Barry, I’m gonna go back and see if I can get a “reading” from that coma patient. Maybe she can tell me “I took 68 oxycontin because my husband is a wacko psychiatrist who doesnt bring home the bacon anymore.”
Hey, maybe bad taste, but what the hell, I havent sleep in two days. And things with the wife are better. Doc[/quote]
Glad things are going better with your wife.
Are you still on the Muscle Milk? BTW, now that you are “long term” what fueled your preference.
