Am I Being Completely Unreasonable?

Glittergirl69 · March 18, 2015, 6:55am

You need to answer this question completely honest: which is more important to you, your girlfriend being healthy and sober or the fact the she believes that going to these AA meetings is the one thing that helps her stay sober and therefore wants to go to them? Perhaps I worded that question incorrectly… Man, which is more important to you, that she is healthy and sober or what WORKS for her in order to stay sober & healthy? Don’t you see if you TRULY support her it should not matter how & where she gets help. (as long as she is not seeking help in an unhealthy matter)

Like it or not the end result of your girlfriend going to those meetings DOES help her, and works for thousands or other people too. I myself have never been addicted to any substance, but if I was I would be dropping YOU instead of the support I needed to stay sober that is for sure!

It is clear to me that you have some problem with AA. Why I am not sure. There is nothing wrong with seeking help from this organization. You need to care more about your girlfriend and less about your pride which seems to dominate the love you have for her.

Glittergirl69 · March 18, 2015, 7:06am

[quote]SBT wrote:
You’re not okay with your girlfriend addressing her problems anonymously with people she has a history of trust with, yet you created a new account here to deal with yours?

She shouldn’t be embarrassed about going to AA. She should be embarrassed about dating you. You’re clearly only concerned with how society’s stigma regarding AA and her past substance abuse reflects upon you.[/quote]

No shit, I was thinking the same thing about this quote,“She shouldn’t be embarrassed about going to AA. She should be embarrassed about dating you. You’re clearly only concerned with how society’s stigma regarding AA and her past substance abuse reflects upon you.”

And this one,“You’re not okay with your girlfriend addressing her problems anonymously with people she has a history of trust with, yet you created a new account here to deal with yours?” Yeah, soooo very true!

SmilingPolitely · March 18, 2015, 3:21pm

Disclosure: The following rant is intended for a general audience. All characters appearing in this rant are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, either living or dead, are purely coincidental.

I would love to say that there is a way for you two to work this out, but there is not. As a third party observer, it seems to me you are attempting to remove her long established support system in favor of one that puts you at the center. This is an incredibly selfish move and one that is often employed by abusive men/women as a means to control the woman/man.

There is no shame in admitting you cannot handle a person who has mental/emotional/physical issues. Not everyone can do it and if you have no prior experience, it is going to be even harder to deal with. However, asking her to leave AA, is akin to telling a person on anti-depressants to stop taking them because they “seem to be doing fine right now”. Of course they are doing fine. They are doing what they need to remain constant. You don’t just kick that out from under a person and expect them carry on like nothing happened.

God bless her for finding something that works for her; especially at such a young age. You have no fucking right to judge her or her choice of treatment. Have you ever offered to attend a meeting with her to see what it is all about? Have you discussed what it is about the meetings that brings her peace of mind? I would venture to guess that she goes because it feels like “home”. She knows she won’t be judged and is surrounded by people who understand what she is going through. And, as someone else quite wisely pointed out, she goes at a time when she is not feeling herself; the EXACT time she would most likely want to fall back into destructive behavior patterns. Once again, GOOD FOR HER!! She has recognized a problem within herself and is taking mature steps to combat it. You have no right to get in the way of her progress.

I’ve struggled with depression for almost 20 years now. In that time, I have dated any number of guys who tried to “fix me”. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. I allowed myself to get derailed from things that were actually helping me because the guy didn’t agree with it. Then, when I inevitably crashed and burned, they bolted because they “couldn’t deal with it”. It fucked with my head for a very long time and led me down some truly regrettable paths. For your girlfriend’s sake, I truly hope you are man enough to admit that you can not handle the very real situation you are in and allow her continue on her journey.

ActivitiesGuy · March 18, 2015, 4:12pm

Applause for SmilingPolitely. Both for the wittiness of the opening, and the content of the post. Beautiful stuff. That’s far, far more important than what I’m planning to add here.

[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
There is no shame in admitting you cannot handle a person who has mental/emotional/physical issues. Not everyone can do it and if you have no prior experience, it is going to be even harder to deal with. However, asking her to leave AA, is akin to telling a person on anti-depressants to stop taking them because they “seem to be doing fine right now”. Of course they are doing fine. They are doing what they need to remain constant. You don’t just kick that out from under a person and expect them carry on like nothing happened.
[/quote]

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, I had a brief romance (we met at an academic conference) that briefly appeared to be heading towards something more. After we visited one another a few times, the girl revealed that she had a history of severe body-image and eating-disorder issues, and had been inpatient several times because she was near death.

(As is often the case with this stuff, you’d never have guessed from the exterior: she was/is gorgeous, not at all a stick figure, and was a college volleyball coach in her spare time)

I love eating. I love exercise. I recognized that these were/are touchy subjects for someone with a history of ED issues (she had “exercise-induced anorexia” or something of that nature; she had recovered enough to be able to exercise some without spiraling out of control mentally, but admitted that every day was a struggle not to get on a cardio machine and just try to burn X calories without eating).

Once I offered her an apple, and she told me later that when I offered her an apple, it made her wonder if I thought she was fat because I “only” offered her an apple (we were hiking at the time, not sitting in a restaurant, FYI).

I recognized in fairly short order that I was in way over my head. It would not have been fair to her if I carried on the relationship, nor would it have been fair to myself. I would either have been sacrificing a couple of the pillars of my entire life, or hoping that I could save/fix/change her. Bad news all around.

Figuring out how to end it was hard. Not “I’m asking anyone to feel bad for me” hard, but “I didn’t really know the right way to do this” hard, which is what I think OP is struggling with. I fit the description from SmilingPolitely in this bolded passage to an absolute tee: I think I’m a nice guy, I had/have no history of dealing with psychological issues of any kind (in myself, family, or close friends), and couldn’t figure out whether I was “supposed” to tell her why (fearing that this made me MEAN because it would make her feel bad for being different!) or not (fearing that this made me MEAN for ending it with no explanation), or if I should “try to stay” and see if I could “fix” her or see if she would just “get better” and lose the ED issues for good.

Point is, OP, I vaguely sympathize. I’ve been in the “I think I’m a good guy, and I want to be with this girl, only this girl has (Issue X), and I can’t figure out if it makes me a bad guy to stay with her but have a problem with it, or if it makes me a bad guy to break up with her and tell her that it’s the history of alcoholism, etc.”

If you’re set on staying, you accept that AA is a part of her structure. Period.

If you want to leave because you’re not comfortable dating someone with issues, that is OK. Like SmilingPolitely said.

By far the worst course of action is carrying on the relationship while trying to convince her to leave the AA meetings.

Postscript from above anecdote: we have remained friends, and I’ve actually been a statistical consultant on some of her research. She seems to be doing well, so far as I can tell, and I hope that she is but leave it there. I don’t ask anything about her personal life, really, we just speak in a friendly-but-professional context. Not my business.

Testy1 · March 18, 2015, 4:40pm

[quote]SmilingPolitely wrote:
Disclosure: The following rant is intended for a general audience. All characters appearing in this rant are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, either living or dead, are purely coincidental.

I would love to say that there is a way for you two to work this out, but there is not. As a third party observer, it seems to me you are attempting to remove her long established support system in favor of one that puts you at the center. This is an incredibly selfish move and one that is often employed by abusive men/women as a means to control the woman/man.

There is no shame in admitting you cannot handle a person who has mental/emotional/physical issues. Not everyone can do it and if you have no prior experience, it is going to be even harder to deal with. However, asking her to leave AA, is akin to telling a person on anti-depressants to stop taking them because they “seem to be doing fine right now”. Of course they are doing fine. They are doing what they need to remain constant. You don’t just kick that out from under a person and expect them carry on like nothing happened.

God bless her for finding something that works for her; especially at such a young age. You have no fucking right to judge her or her choice of treatment. Have you ever offered to attend a meeting with her to see what it is all about? Have you discussed what it is about the meetings that brings her peace of mind? I would venture to guess that she goes because it feels like “home”. She knows she won’t be judged and is surrounded by people who understand what she is going through. And, as someone else quite wisely pointed out, she goes at a time when she is not feeling herself; the EXACT time she would most likely want to fall back into destructive behavior patterns. Once again, GOOD FOR HER!! She has recognized a problem within herself and is taking mature steps to combat it. You have no right to get in the way of her progress.

I’ve struggled with depression for almost 20 years now. In that time, I have dated any number of guys who tried to “fix me”. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY. I allowed myself to get derailed from things that were actually helping me because the guy didn’t agree with it. Then, when I inevitably crashed and burned, they bolted because they “couldn’t deal with it”. It fucked with my head for a very long time and led me down some truly regrettable paths. For your girlfriend’s sake, I truly hope you are man enough to admit that you can not handle the very real situation you are in and allow her continue on her journey. [/quote]

Great post.

Testy1 · March 18, 2015, 4:42pm

[quote]ActivitiesGuy wrote:
Applause for SmilingPolitely. Both for the wittiness of the opening, and the content of the post. Beautiful stuff. That’s far, far more important than what I’m planning to add here.