Am I an A-Hole?

Off Topic
41

[quote]chinadoll wrote:

What if an attractive, single male friend of your wife, whom your wife spends a lot of time with at her job accidentally ripped a large hole in the pants of the one and only business suit he owns, three hours before the most important presentation of his entire career. He calls up your wife very frantic, and she drives her car to his house, where she repairs his pants and saves the day for him. Would you feel comfortable with this?
[/quote]

Not only would I be comfortable with it, but I would put her to work fixing my clothes.

Just to play devil’s advocate here, maybe she felt that since she too had just gone through a tough traumatic experience you should have put caring for her in her fragile state above caring for a mere client.

Do you think she would have reacted the same if she was feeling good and you weren’t out on an errand to sooth her ills when this situation occured?

42

[quote]scrooge wrote:
derek wrote:
She jusy got home from surgery. It was fairly minor but VERY painful. She had gone 30 hours without sleep, the surgery, then recover pain (2 very large kidney stones). The snacks were soothing I suppose.

This is probably 99% of the reason for the blowup. She most likely was stupidly tired and sore and simply wanted you home to look after her.

Don’t sweat it, you did a good thing.
[/quote]

When you said cookies and chips, the first thing I thought was “pregnancy”.

However post-surgical pain and subsequent sleep deprivation can reduce one’s temper to a hair trigger. Hopefully, as her pain subsides she’ll catch up on sleep and get over it — just don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology.

43

[quote]etaco wrote:
Just to play devil’s advocate here, maybe she felt that since she too had just gone through a tough traumatic experience you should have put caring for her in her fragile state above caring for a mere client.

Do you think she would have reacted the same if she was feeling good and you weren’t out on an errand to sooth her ills when this situation occured?
[/quote]

I’d like to think that since I was ALREADY attending to her needs by staying in on a night that I was supposed to go out to eat with my buddy on, that 10 minutes to comfort a person that had her house broken into (quite a feeling of fear, paranoia etc.), who lived one turn away from the store I was going to anyway, wouldn’t have caused all this trouble. But then again, I’m a guy!

Yes, I think she would’ve reacted the same way.

44

[quote]simon-hecubus wrote:
When you said cookies and chips, the first thing I thought was “pregnancy”.

However post-surgical pain and subsequent sleep deprivation can reduce one’s temper to a hair trigger. Hopefully, as her pain subsides she’ll catch up on sleep and get over it — just don’t hold your breath waiting for an apology.[/quote]

We have a 4 month old as well. Post-pregnancy perhaps? These were cravings she had… sugar and salt.

Damn those hormones!

45

[quote]chinadoll wrote:

My other point. When I was single, I had both single and married male friends. When I had a car issue or needed “guy” help, I’d call my single guy friends for help. Never ever ever would I EVER call any of my married male friends to help me.

Why? Out of respect for their wives, their children and for their marriages. Because I respect my guy friends and their wives and their marriages, I would never want to put my guy friends into any kind of ackward or questionable-seeming scenario.
[/quote]

This is very noble.

46

[quote]Digital Chainsaw wrote:

This very attractive, just-turned-22-year-old, whose boyfriend is spending a year abroad in China, is quite intelligent but nevertheless exhibits some rather quirky behaviors. For example, sitting on the floor next to my chair instead of in any one of several available seats when we were all at my mother’s house a few weeks ago.[/quote]

She is your [b]puppy![/b][quote]

she could do much better than a 33-year-old, married, fat guy.[/quote]

You are not fat you are [b]bulking[/b].

: p

47

[quote]derek wrote:

We have a 4 month old as well. Post-pregnancy perhaps? These were cravings she had… sugar and salt.

Damn those hormones!

[/quote]

Derek, you have the BeSt AvaTaR on T-Nation!

I’m sure it’s driving your wife nuts not to find herself at the top of her form to please you. She might just not be feeling beautiful enough for you right now.

Think about it.

48

[quote]derek wrote:

I give her no reason to be jealous and perhaps THAT is why it all irks me so much.
[/quote]

“Perhaps”, nothing; it is a direct insult to your integrity that you did nothing to deserve and you have every right to be pissed.

It’s made all the more poignant by the fact that this is the person who (presumably) knows you better than anyone else, and whom you have lowered all of your personal defenses against. A spouse can hurt you in a way no one else can.

I mean, c’mon, I know marriage isn’t always easy sailing; sometimes it’s downright hard work, but you’ve towed that line all these years and, even if your wife has these feelings compulsively (let’s face it, we feel what we feel, logical or not), she at the very least owes you the benefit of the doubt, if she chooses to bring it up to you at all. IMHO, the high road would be for someone to take the time to realize it is all their irrational imagination and just swallow it.

One more quick anecdote that will hopefully give you a laugh along the way:

Although I now consider my homelife to be ideal, it was not arrived at without considerable struggle. My wife and I came very close to annulling our marriage when it was only about 6 weeks old for numerous reasons, not the least of which was that she invited her non-English speaking parents over for 3 months.

Anyway, as the weeks passed and things began to deteriorate between us, I spent more and more time away from the house, causing even more tension (think of the scene in Goodfellas when Henry comes home in the wee hours of the morning and his mother-in-law starts tearing into him, only the mother-in-law is drunk on two bottles of wine and yelling obscure English words amongst the French and Vietnamese; you’d turn around and go back out, too!)

Smiling yet? I would be.

Anyway, when her parents were safely back on the other side of the Atlantic, and she had begged me not to leave for three straight days, we began reconciling and somewhere over the course of this, she not so much accused me of any wrong doing, but said something to the effect that if I had an opportunity to be unfaithful, I would.

For me, this was the crucible; I asked her if she really thought this was true, then what the fuck was she doing with me? I told her I would sooner get an annulment, sign over my half of the house and everything in it to her, and leave with the clothes on my back than live the next 50-60 years in an apology. A few small skirmishes aside, it’s been blue skies ever since.

I’m not suggesting anything like this for you, derek; just as I am, you are waaay past the time frame in your marriage where ultimatums can do more good than harm. This was merely my account, nothing more.

You seem to be in a good place, as you have a personality that is able to tolerate this quirk in your wife. As you said, nobody is perfect, and we all try our best to make that other puzzle piece that is our significant other fit the best way we can.

All I can say is buy a nice, heavy bag and blow let off some steam.

49

ummmm maybe ur wife is the a-hole? could always be pms but it sounds like u did the right thing

50

I am telling you AGAIN that no woman with a 4 month old baby, a 3 year old and recent kidney stone surgery should be held accountable for her actions!

You guys have no idea how hard that is physically, mentally, emotionally and hormonally. She needs rest and TLC, and probably knows it’s not likely with 2 little ones (as good of a guy as Derek is). Feeling like total shit and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel is not a good place to be, trust me.

51

[quote]Kailash wrote:
Professor X wrote:
Some of the married guys here are making marriage look like something that needs to be avoided AT ALL COSTS.

For real. “The grass is always greener on the other side.”

China Doll:
What if an attractive, single male friend of your wife, whom your wife spends a lot of time with at her job accidentally ripped a large hole in the pants of the one and only business suit he owns, three hours before the most important presentation of his entire career. He calls up your wife very frantic, and she drives her car to his house, where she repairs his pants and saves the day for him. Would you feel comfortable with this?

The difference is that, in your example, the guy has 3 hours in which to have his pants fixed. Here, the need was urgent. In your example, the guy called the wife specifically for this situation. Here, he was returning a phone call and happened to catch the woman in this bad situation.

Also, in your example, the wife drives out to his house. Here, he was driving right past her block, on the way home.

So you’re looking at it the wrong way. Maybe derek’s wife is too.[/quote]

I also have to concur with this post. chinadoll’s example is not analogous.

However ignoring that, I STILL would not have a problem with that series of events.

Derek, your wife is being a bitch but she’s clearly going through some emotional and physical pain. You cut her some slack, don’t think you were wrong but don’t go after her either. There will be plenty of time to assert your righteous fury.

Fucking women.

52

[quote]Alpha F wrote:
chinadoll wrote:

My other point. When I was single, I had both single and married male friends. When I had a car issue or needed “guy” help, I’d call my single guy friends for help. Never ever ever would I EVER call any of my married male friends to help me.

Why? Out of respect for their wives, their children and for their marriages. Because I respect my guy friends and their wives and their marriages, I would never want to put my guy friends into any kind of ackward or questionable-seeming scenario.

This is very noble.

[/quote]

This is a load of shit.

53

[quote]Jillybop wrote:
I am telling you AGAIN that no woman with a 4 month old baby, a 3 year old and recent kidney stone surgery should be held accountable for her actions!

You guys have no idea how hard that is physically, mentally, emotionally and hormonally. She needs rest and TLC, and probably knows it’s not likely with 2 little ones (as good of a guy as Derek is). Feeling like total shit and seeing no light at the end of the tunnel is not a good place to be, trust me.
[/quote]

Yeah. EXACTLY what she said.

Derek, you did a really nice thing. I hope your client & her daughter are doing ok.

Please don’t hold your wife accountable for her behavior. She’s stressed, probably panicky, if the kids were slepeing she may have been in fear that they’d wake up any minute, if they were awake, she was frekaing out over the fact that what if they got into somehting, what if she was nursing the baby and the 3 yr old fell and got hurt or got into something, etc.

Reassure her that you didn’t mean to make her feel bad or ignored or anything, oyu just thought you’d stop for 5 minutes and make sure “Cindy” (or whatever) was ok.

For the record, as a mother who has had a 4 mo old and an under 2 yr old as well as post-partum depression, I can PROMISE you that those 5-10 minutes seemed like an hour.

I owuld LIVE for the minute I’d see the car pull in the driveway and if he took too long getting his stuff, I’d be flipping out! “What took you so long?! Why aren’t you in here?!” I was going NUTS.

Anyway, take care of her,she needs it right now. Eventually she’ll be ok. Tlak it out. You didn’t do anything “wrong”, your wife just really needed you very much right then.

54

you fucking jerk! who do you think you are?

Really, helpin out someone who’s just been B&E’d. That’s bullshit. go hang your head in shame.

asshole.

56

[quote]jacross wrote:
Alpha F wrote:
chinadoll wrote:

My other point. When I was single, I had both single and married male friends. When I had a car issue or needed “guy” help, I’d call my single guy friends for help. Never ever ever would I EVER call any of my married male friends to help me.

Why? Out of respect for their wives, their children and for their marriages. Because I respect my guy friends and their wives and their marriages, I would never want to put my guy friends into any kind of ackward or questionable-seeming scenario.

This is very noble.

This is a load of shit.[/quote]

I agree with jacross 100%. Why the fuck is it noble to not really be friends with a friend? Do their fat ugly wives get jealous of your boobs or something? Sounds like a loving marriage if that is the case.

Derek, I agree with the general sentiment thus far. You did absolutely nothing wrong, actually something quite good, but don’t hold it against her at this point due to the state your wife is probably in.

-Dan

57

[quote]Jillybop wrote:
I am telling you AGAIN that no woman with a 4 month old baby, a 3 year old and recent kidney stone surgery should be held accountable for her actions!
[/quote]

So are guys also allowed to have a time when they’re not held accountable for their actions?

58

Since half of you are clueless… expecially the MEN!!!, I’m going to clue you in Derek. Is it this girls fault that she is an insecure jealous headache? Yes! Most women are but the stronger ones figure out how to solve this problem on their own. She needs to grow the fuck up. Whose fault is it that she is still insecure?

Yours! It is your job as a man in a relationship to prepare her beforehand so that she never has a doubt in her mind that she should ever have a reason to be jealous or insecure in the first place. YOU DIDN’T DO THE PREP WORK! My guess is this happened more than once before, I’m sure she gets her jealous kick every other weekend or three. Wake up, fix the problem, she won’t. Women look for security in a man, its your job to provide all forms of it.

Don’t blame the woman for her irrational behavoir. Blame your ignorance. My woman would let me go to a strip club in another state with someone that has a crush on me. Why? Because I did my job. Its that simple. Don’t ask me for advice on women because I ain’t giving any more out. Take relationship responsibility. There are always 2 sides to every relationship problem. If not, the word “relate” would not describe two people together. Get on the same team with her or break out the baseball bat and hit her upside the head with it. Your choice.

[edit] I forgot the soultion. DAMAGE CONTROL! That’s where you’re at now brother. If you had done your homework in the first place, you wouldn’t have to kiss & make now. Start kissin ass for her problem which you didn’t cure early on. Weren’t there signs? First sign, you should have knocked that shit out right there, or else find another woman that you can make feel secure.

Remember this key phrase… “It’s my fault, I wasn’t thinking.” Use it. Remember women don’t care about you being right. they care about you understanding. C’mon man, this is relationship 101 stuff. You don’t need the internet for this discombobulation.

59

mistake #1: Getting married
mistake #2: Getting married to a
biaatch.
mistake #3: Getting married to a
biaatch that likes chips
and cookies.
mistake #4: Getting marital advice from
the internet, including
mine.

Whatever you do, don’t follow your heart. Apparently it got you in the situation you’re in now. “Back in the doghouse”.

60

With more reading (my early response was before additional information about the situation was forthcoming) I’d say you need to give her time to realize the positives in what you did.

I mean, seriously, it sounds like looking after someone else in that way is simply a gallant thing to do, but that her current issues or insecurities have her unable to deal with it appropriately.

Also, as Jilly said, when someone is in weak state, it makes lots of sense to cut them some slack. I mean, we aren’t always at our best, are we?

Alternately, maybe the two of you have some work cut out for you, so you can trust each other appropriately and appreciate each others strong points. I’m more speaking to her issues, but hey, you never know.

61

[quote]ThatGirl77 wrote:

Please don’t hold your wife accountable for her behavior. She’s stressed.[/quote]

I don’t understand this. When do we EVER hear, “Don’t hold your husband responsible for his actions…he’s stressed.” WTF?

Why doesn’t this shit work BOTH WAYS?

If women expect to get free passes for how they act based on their wild emotions and modd swings, then men should be getting a free pass when a FRIEND needs some help and we actually freaking help them.