All in a Week's Work

Off Topic
1

As some of you may recall, I received an Abercrombie and Fitch gift card from my girlfriend for Christmas. She should have known that someone as swole as me cant fit into clothes designed for 125 lb. Metros who wear flip flops in february, but what can I say.

I walk into my local mall, lats flared and aviators on. I head into A&F, remove my glasses and look around. I was a bit shocked by the awful techno blasting in my ears, and even moreso when I looked around. Two male employees in purple and yellow sweaters were dancing to the music.

â??F**k, this store really is for queers,â?? I thought to myself. I headed over to the beaters, picked up a few and told a young girl wearing an â??Oscarâ??s Surf Shopâ?? t-shirt to let me into the dressing room.

Me: â??Sweetheart, let me ask you a question. If this guy was to wear an A&F tshirt out in public, what would your reaction be?

A&F girl: Wow, Iâ??d laugh at his fat stomach. Why is he lifting up his shirt in that pic? He doesnâ??t have anything that even resembles abs.

A&F girl: Wow, you have huge arms.
Me: Damn right I have big arms.
A&F girl: Umm, if you need any help in here, anything at all, just let me know, k?
Me: Whatever.

<I try on the beater, and its absolutely skin tight and too short. And its an XL too. I guess A&F wants to make its buck and a quarter pound employees feel swole. In fact,the XL beater was so small I couldnâ??t get it off. I called A&F girl into the room with me.>

Me: I canâ??t get this beater off, its too tight? Care to help?

A&F girl: Oh my GOD! Your body! Your chest, your abs, its PERFECT!
Me: You donâ??t see many bodies like these in this store I bet.
A&F girl rips off my pants and starts to blow me in the dressing room stall. Ten minutes later I blew my load all over her Oscarâ??s Surf Shop tshirt. At that moment, I realized what Abercrombie and Fitch was all about. Itâ??s not just about polka dot flip flops and 12 inch biceps in pink tshirts that say â??Steveâ??s Clam Shackâ??. No. Itâ??s about stealing your parents â??46 Model T and running around on the beach in your white A&F boxer briefs, then running into the woods to have a circle jerk with the rugby team. Yes, I had experienced a true Abercrombie moment.

As I walked out, I threw my $50 gift card in the direction of the two queers who were dancing to the techno. â??$50 gift card here! Just think of all the ripped jeans you can buy with that!â?? I yelled at them, then watched as the two boys, weighing combined less than I do in the off season, pulled each others hair and slapped each other for rights to their gift card. I laughed, threw my aviators on, flared my lats, and left the mall. I had other business to attend to

2

Last night, my ex finally convinced me to meet her ex-boyfriend of 3 years.
They have been friends since high school, dated through college, and broke up in November but are
still good friends. So I agree, if I can wear a wifebeater, I tell her. She obliged.

So we roll up to Richardâ??s house. Holy fk this guy was loaded. No wonder she dated him. I mean,
I have my own place and a BMW but this cat must be swimming in dough. I didnâ??t expect this but
shook it off. Richard answers the door in a Donovan McNabb jersey, with what appeared to be 12â??
biceps peeking out. First he greeted Jen (my girl) and then he saw me. Though being a few inches
taller than me, it was obvious from the first look that I intimidated the fk out of Richard.

â??How ya doin, Dick,â?? I said, shaking his hand and feeling
his bones crunch beneath my grip. He cried out in pain and invited us in.

Jen and Rich get to small talking. Heâ??s showing her pictures of the tsunami (heâ??s with the red cross
and helps with disaster reliefâ?¦
sleazy way to get pussy if you ask me), then they discuss the presidential debate and the Iraq
elections. Yawn Finally while watching the super bowl, Rich mentions something about football
players being huge, and how its â??no surprise since they are all juiced upâ?? Jen mouths â??Noâ?? to me,
but can already see Iâ??m about to spout off.

Me: So you think a little juice makes you huge?
Rich: Well, it certainly helps out
Me: Lemme tell you something, Rich. You think if you incorporated some D-Bol into your Elliptical
Cardio and Nautilus Machine you
would be Ronnie Coleman?
Rich: Whatâ??s D-Bol? Whoâ??s Ronnie–
Jen: Guys, guys please

From there, Rich decides to serve us â??Dinnerâ?? or as I call it, CATABOLIC DELIGHT Are you kidding
me? Some Middle Eastern Bread, smelly dip, and cous-cous?!?!?

Me: What the fk is this?
Rich: Itâ??s pita bread, hummous, and—
Me: No, I mean, WHAT THE FK is this? <Iâ??m fuming at this point>
Jen: I THINK what he needs is some protein. Heâ??s big into bodybuilding and needs to
get his protein intake in.
Rich: Just go in the kitchen manâ?¦ takeâ?¦ take whatever you want.

I rampage through Richâ??s cabinets, settling on a gallon of milk, peanut butter, and oatmeal. Rich
watches in horror as I sit transfixed on his couch, shoving food down my throat and slugging my
milk gallon.

after about 20 minutes… I break the silence…

Me: â??T.O. is a f**king warrior tonight, isnâ??t he Rich?â??

Rich: Yeah. Look, I wanted to apologize about the food. I had no idea and
Iâ??ll do anything to make it up to you.
Me: Anything?
Rich: Anything
Me: I want to armwrestle.
Rich: Armwrestle? Come on, what are we, 10 years old?

Rich could see that I meant business though, and he came over to the table and rolled up his
sleeves. I fought not to laugh at his
12 inch pipes. With my girlfriend screaming â??Please donâ??t do this!â??
I slammed Richâ??s arm into the table as he started screaming
â??OH GOD WHAT THE F**K DID YOU DO!?!?!â??.

â??Iâ??m done with this st,â?? I said, grabbed my coat and Jen and said we need to get out of here.
â??We canâ??t leave him like this!,â??
Jen cried. â??SHUT THE FK UP AND GET IN THE CARâ?? I snarled and pushed her out the door,
slamming it behind me.

I think it’s safe to say Rich will be staying away from my girlfriend
from now on.

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fter setting a new gym record on standing calf raises, I decided that a celebration
was in order. I told Lex to round up the crew, because we were going hunting for
cardio bunnies. Lex called up our other training partner, Mongo. Mongo is a 6’8" 305 lb.
bodybuilding monster. To give you an idea, he takes in 5000 cals while cutting,
and has an IV stuck into his arm with protein flowing in at all times to avoid going
catabolic.

We headed out to the club, all dressed to the nines. Lex in sweatpants, a PROLAB tshirt
, and of course his trusty crowbar. Mongo was wearing leather pants, a white beater, with
his lifting belt around his waist. I decided to try some peacocking, and wore a pink beater,
complimented by a pink top hat and pink Chuck Taylor shoes.

We ran into a little trouble at the door, when the bouncer told us we weren’t properly
dressed for the establishment. Mongo stepped up to the plate. Bumping into him,
Mongo screamed “You sure about that?” The bouncer, terrified, changed his mind but
asked for the $20 cover charge. “Cover charge? Just be lucky you’re still alive, punk.
We ain’t paying a cover charge.” Lex and I walked in, lats flaring, while Mongo entered
the side door (too big to fit through the front door).

We scoped out the situation, and it looked pretty grim. A club packed with AFC’s and a
bunch of HB8’s and HB9’s. I shook my head. As you know, I only pork HB10’s.

A few minutes later, a group of HB8.5’s approached us.

HB8.5: Hi…ummm… we heard you guys were alpha males and we wanted to know if we
could hang out with you tonight?

I fought off the urge to vomit (HB8.5’s… gross!) and replied, “You know, you’ve got a
lot of nerve coming over here. Don’t you think I’m a little out of your league, cupcake?
Now get out of here, you’re threatening my alpha status.”

I was getting impatient. “Mongo, find me a HB10 NOW!” I snarled at him. Mongo took
out his binoculars and scanned the crowd

Mongo: I see a HB10 cardio bunny at the bar, drinking a martini.
Me: Any bodybuilder activity in the area?
Mongo: I dont see any… just an ectomorph.
Me: I’m going in.

I lat flared it over to this broac, and first approached the ectomorph hitting on her. He
was wearing a Jose’s Surf Shop T-shirt “End of the road, AFC. Step aside and let
me handle this cardio bunny.”

AFC: Get lost.

Normally, I would have stomped him into the ground, but with Mongo in the club I felt
it unneccessary.

Me: Look, you fkin ecto, you better get the fk
out of here before we have a problem. See that guy over there, that’s a 6’8" 300 lb.
bodybuilder. If you don’t leave this club now, and never come back, the cops are
gonna have to call the boys down at Jose’s Surf Shop to ID your body.

The AFC ran away screaming and I moved in on the cardio bunny. “Your lucky day,
baby. You get to spend the evening with Doctor Swole. Wanna feel my pythons?”

Cardio Bunny: What do you think I am, some cheap slut just looking to get laid? I’m
better than that.
Me: Oh I get it. You look at me and all you see is shredded quads, 18 inch pythons,
and abs you could do laundry on. I’m more than a piece of meat here.

I turned around to leave.

Cardio Bunny: I’m sorry, did you say 18 inch pythons? My name’s Isabelle.
Me: Doctor Swole.
CB: Oh, a doctor? What kind?
Me: A uhhh… gynocologist.
CB: Really? How did you get into that?
Me: Well, I guess you can say I just love pussy.

Lex approached me with a look of concern on his face. "Mongo’s IV is out of whey.
We need to get him some protein before he goes catabolic and gets into a rage

Me: F**k. How long do we have?
Lex: 15, 20 minutes tops.

CB: Do you have to go? Well here’s my phone number, why dont you call me
sometime and we can go to a museum or something.

I looked at her phone number in disgust. “Look cupcake, I’m going on a
gynocologist exposition in the Phillipines for the next year. Tonight may be our last
night together. We should make the most of it.”

CB: If you say so, Doctor Swole.

I took her out to my BMW and we started going at it. I hit it doggystyle and finished
off by giving her a pearl necklace (the only jewelry I’ll ever buy for a woman.)

I lit up a joint and closed my eyes. Lex and Mongo approached the BMW. “We
gotta go now, Doc, Mongo’s gonna get catabolic.”

I told the cardio bunny to leave the car. “I had a great time, Doc. My gynocologist
never treated me like that”

Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. “He’s no gynocologist. This is Doctor Swole,
one of the most notorious Alpha Males on the planet!”

Cardio bunny had a look of denial on her face. “Tell me thats not true! Are you even a
real doctor?”

Me: I’m no doctor… but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express
last night.

Lex and Mongo roared with laughter. I stepped on the gas and accelerated away from
the cardio bunny. She coughed when inhaling my exhaust fumes, and by the time she
stopped I had turned the corner. I wondered if she had seen my ALPHA1 license plate,
but it’s inconsequential. I’ll never see her again. My speedometer hit 95 as I raced to
Mongo’s for whey shakes all around.

Lex: Going a little fast Doc?
Me: Those protein shakes ain’t gonna mix themselves.

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[tired of my posts not showing up, so I’ll use this to push it through like a cardiac sphincter]

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I like crystal meth too.

6

Can you ride a dick,bro?

7

Cool stories…

Now the guys in the pic above really really scare the hell out of me…

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[quote]DBCooper wrote:
I like crystal meth too.[/quote]

LOL.

On a side note the guy in the second post looks a bit like an old James Dean.

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I LOL’d

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What is this? “A week in the life of a total douche”?

11

Dr. Swole just added you to “The List,” br0.

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I thought it was funny. I do believe this is all from /fit/ from 4chan. It’s straight up trolling people.

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Here is the archive:

https://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2418126739&v=app_2373072738

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