[quote]batman730 wrote:
Your step-dad/real dad sounds like a stand up guy (in this area anyway).[/quote]
He’s fricken spectacular.
[quote]Chris Colucci wrote:
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
He begs me to not make him sleep there but I have no choice. When he comes home he acts psycho. Like screaming about everything and smacking my hand away if I try to console him.
He yells a lot and is very very hard to tslk to. It lasts a couple days until daddy weekend wears off. Which is ok in the summer but back to school on monday is hard.[/quote]
As hard as it is to watch, this is normal. Not normal as in “healthy”, but I’ve seen two kids go through it and I’ve heard of similar situations. The post-visitation behavior change was just as drastic but just as temporary. It takes time for their brains to adjust between “there” and “here”.
Look around here to find someplace to talk:
You should be able to find free counseling for you and him (usually done separately. They’ll often have a group of women together [everyone will be telling the exact same story, it’s scary how similar the abusive behavior is] and kids either one-on-one or in a small group).
It’s not at all like seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, or whatever. It’s talking to professionals who deal with these situations everyday, and they can direct you to whatever “next step” is most appropriate for everyone involved . I know someone who went through something very similar, and counseling at a local chapter of the Coalition Against Domestic Violence helped her and both of her sons.[/quote]
Wow this is very helpful thank you!
I’m in a similar boat - my daughter is almost 7 and her dad has had very little to no contact with her in 6.5 years. The first time I let her go alone with him she had an absolute panic attack. I wish things were different, she cries for a daddy every night practically. Here’s my advice. Keep a meticulous journal. Record all dates that he was with his father. Keep records of anything else that is pertinent, especially child support payments ( or lack of). If you can, keep an audio journal of what your little boy says when he gets home. I can’t emphasize this enough, WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN.
[quote]Bauber wrote:
Went through a similar situation with my fiancé’s little boy, who I now have custody of. Typical pos no job loser who came round when he felt like it which was 1-2 time a year. When she passed he came immediately and tried to get his SS card so he could file his SS and draw foodstamps etc on him since he’s a compete piece of shit.
I would also suggest against CPS unless you have a lawyer and he is doing harm or had poor living conditions etc. We used CPS once a lawyer was established and papers were in motion to build a better case and have more damning evidence which we didn’t even need in court, but had it in our pockets. He can only see him now if he pays and is on my terms at my house or his grandparents house.
I would honestly talk to a lawyer and possibly a counselor first so she can get an unbiased view of what’s going on. Then proceed from there. My little guy turns 6 in December so almost the exact age :).[/quote]
It would suck to be the POS dad in this scenario, considering you’re size and all…
OKAY HELLO!!
It’s much easier to type when I am on my lap top…
So here is what I am wondering:
Should I really be trying to speak positively to him about his father and try to convince him that he’s kind/wonderful/should be loved when it would all be a blatant lie? I would feel as though I were deceiving him. I thought I was doing the right thing by supporting him and letting him know it’s okay to feel however he feels.
If I were to convince him his father was kind, I would be worried that he would become a victim and all of his lies and manipulations like I was, and like so many other people have been. I would not want that.
I cannot stress enough how horrible of a human being this person is. It’s not just that he’s a deadbeat, it’s that he is just awful right down to his very core.
Gabe is not hating him to please me because he expressed his feelings before I admitted mine. I just don’t know how I would feel about trying to convince him that the notions he has about his father’s integrity are wrong when just the opposite is true.
He says all daddy does is yell (he has two other kids) and fight (with his girlfriend).
I can believe how god awful his weekends are with all that going on for 48 hours.
Gabe wants to have the courage to tell his aunty how he feels, but this worries me because she babies her brother and I am worried if his dad found out about how gabe feels that it would backfire and make things worse.
She is kind, but she is also totally blind to her brother.
I have considered talking to her as well, but I am still worried it would make things harder for him in the long run.
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
OKAY HELLO!!
It’s much easier to type when I am on my lap top…
So here is what I am wondering:
Should I really be trying to speak positively to him about his father and try to convince him that he’s kind/wonderful/should be loved when it would all be a blatant lie? I would feel as though I were deceiving him. I thought I was doing the right thing by supporting him and letting him know it’s okay to feel however he feels.
If I were to convince him his father was kind, I would be worried that he would become a victim and all of his lies and manipulations like I was, and like so many other people have been. I would not want that.
I cannot stress enough how horrible of a human being this person is. It’s not just that he’s a deadbeat, it’s that he is just awful right down to his very core.
Gabe is not hating him to please me because he expressed his feelings before I admitted mine. I just don’t know how I would feel about trying to convince him that the notions he has about his father’s integrity are wrong when just the opposite is true.
He says all daddy does is yell (he has two other kids) and fight (with his girlfriend).
I can believe how god awful his weekends are with all that going on for 48 hours.
Gabe wants to have the courage to tell his aunty how he feels, but this worries me because she babies her brother and I am worried if his dad found out about how gabe feels that it would backfire and make things worse.
She is kind, but she is also totally blind to her brother.
I have considered talking to her as well, but I am still worried it would make things harder for him in the long run. [/quote]
I grew up with a similar situation. Father was a POS, anger problems, never there, typical story, yada yada yada. I was about 6 0r 7 when I started to become slighlty more aware of my surroundings and realized my family situation was a little bit different. Fortunately my mother was incredibly strong, calm, and logical. What I respected about her the most is the fact that she never bad mouthed my father and let me come to my own conclusion. I have never heard a negative word about him, and If i ever came home from a visit with him we always talked about my feelings but she never confirmed or agreed - just let me vent. Then said she loved me and she was there for me no matter what. I’m not saying you should talk good but do not talk bad. If he comes home and says I dont like my daddy, don’t verbally agree and enforce those thoughts. Just let him vent. My father revealed himself to me over some time and I came to a point myself that I knew I did not want him in my life (and he ended up in prison for a few years after I emotionally disconnected anyway)
I can only imagaine your situation as it seems you have little power. One other thing my mom did was enroll me with the school therapist which was basically a small group that met once or twice a week together. I didnt even know what it was for until a year or two into it. It was so helpful and I think about those sessions often. I was able to connect with other kids going through tough family situations and it made me feel more normal.
Of course, this was my experience and my opinion. However you choose to handle it I wish you the best.
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
OKAY HELLO!!
It’s much easier to type when I am on my lap top…
So here is what I am wondering:
Should I really be trying to speak positively to him about his father and try to convince him that he’s kind/wonderful/should be loved when it would all be a blatant lie? I would feel as though I were deceiving him. I thought I was doing the right thing by supporting him and letting him know it’s okay to feel however he feels.
If I were to convince him his father was kind, I would be worried that he would become a victim and all of his lies and manipulations like I was, and like so many other people have been. I would not want that.
I cannot stress enough how horrible of a human being this person is. It’s not just that he’s a deadbeat, it’s that he is just awful right down to his very core.
Gabe is not hating him to please me because he expressed his feelings before I admitted mine. I just don’t know how I would feel about trying to convince him that the notions he has about his father’s integrity are wrong when just the opposite is true.
He says all daddy does is yell (he has two other kids) and fight (with his girlfriend).
I can believe how god awful his weekends are with all that going on for 48 hours.
Gabe wants to have the courage to tell his aunty how he feels, but this worries me because she babies her brother and I am worried if his dad found out about how gabe feels that it would backfire and make things worse.
She is kind, but she is also totally blind to her brother.
I have considered talking to her as well, but I am still worried it would make things harder for him in the long run. [/quote]
Alright, I said this wasn’t my area (and it’s not) but I did have a few rough years with my dad. He was always very much in the picture but at times “the picture” just wasn’t so great. I finally moved out one night when I realized that it was either that or I was gonna come to blows with the old man. We didn’t speak for at least 5 years thereafter.
What I realized, after all that time, was that my dad was gonna be who he was and that I couldn’t actively hate him without hating a part of myself. I just got tired of doing that eventually. That resentment was like a duffle bag of dull, heavy, ugly stones that I carried around in my heart everywhere I went, that coloured everything I thought and did. One day it was just time to put it down and forgive, not for him but for me. FTR, my dad actually made some strides of his own during this period and he’s actually a pretty good dude now. Not suggesting this is or ever will be the case with your ex, just wanted to be clear.
I, for one, don’t think that you should try to convince your son of something that you know isn’t true. It’s not fair and it would probably just generate push back from your little guy. However, I think you need to find a way to support him help him process his feelings without getting too wrapped up in personally hating his father. That is an bottomless pit into which you can pour endless amounts of emotional energy and get nothing back except more bitterness and hurt. I mean if that’s how he feels it’s how he feels, only he can choose forgiveness in his own time, but I think you may want to try to gently steer him toward focusing on “I feel _______ when dad does ________” statements as opposed to “dad did __________ so he’s a ___________” statements.
Only he can decide when it’s time to drop the bag of stones, but you may be able to help keep him from loading it up any heavier than it needs to be. I know none of this is easy. It’s a shit situation, but that’s what I think.
I also second what Beth says about documentation.
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
I am worried if his dad found out about how gabe feels that it would backfire and make things worse.
[/quote]
From the way you’ve described his father, I think you made the right choice here. However, the fact that you don’t feel like you’re able to talk to him about this is a warning sign in itself.
While everyone is spouting their opinions about this guy and your situation I think you should consider a few things first. You know his past, we don’t. You already said that he’s an unstable ex-con with a violent past which doesn’t look good for him. Also consider additional things like whether he’s had a history of abuse towards you or in past relationships, past substance abuse problems, or mental health issues. From what you’ve told us, I think you have a good reason to be worried.
A few things that might be worth considering:
Check him for marks or other signs of abuse after every “daddy weekend”. If you find anything significant take a dated photo.
Which kind of ties into my second point. Like theBeth said, keep a record of things. If you can use photos/videos, all the better. Make sure everything is dated.
If it’s within your budget to do so, it may be worth considering taking Gabe to see a child psychologist to find out WHY he hates his dad so much.
Lastly, I feel for you. This has got to be a very stressful and worrying situation for you. I can kind of see where you’re coming from because my ex attracts abusers like flies to honey, so I’m always stressed, always worried, always hypervigilant about our son. I’m just glad nothing’s happened so far. I can only imagine how hard this is for you.
EDIT: Also, just read Bauber’s post. I’m very impressed. Hell, people should be commended for not being a deadbeat piece of shit to their own kids, but what you did is on a different level.
If at all possible try and set it up so that he sees him for an afternoon at a time ie. going to see a movie then play some ball not overnight or a whole weekend.
Sounds like he’s getting no quality time with his dad and just being flung into someone else’s chaotic household for the sake of it.
[quote]Bauber wrote:
Went through a similar situation with my fiancé’s little boy, who I now have custody of. Typical pos no job loser who came round when he felt like it which was 1-2 time a year. When she passed he came immediately and tried to get his SS card so he could file his SS and draw foodstamps etc on him since he’s a compete piece of shit.
I would also suggest against CPS unless you have a lawyer and he is doing harm or had poor living conditions etc. We used CPS once a lawyer was established and papers were in motion to build a better case and have more damning evidence which we didn’t even need in court, but had it in our pockets. He can only see him now if he pays and is on my terms at my house or his grandparents house.
I would honestly talk to a lawyer and possibly a counselor first so she can get an unbiased view of what’s going on. Then proceed from there. My little guy turns 6 in December so almost the exact age :).[/quote]
My god Bauber, you’re the man. If I interpreted what you wrote correctly you’re a real man and your son sounds like he’s in great hands.
[quote]setto222 wrote:
[quote]Bauber wrote:
Went through a similar situation with my fiancÃ?©’s little boy, who I now have custody of. Typical pos no job loser who came round when he felt like it which was 1-2 time a year. When she passed he came immediately and tried to get his SS card so he could file his SS and draw foodstamps etc on him since he’s a compete piece of shit.
I would also suggest against CPS unless you have a lawyer and he is doing harm or had poor living conditions etc. We used CPS once a lawyer was established and papers were in motion to build a better case and have more damning evidence which we didn’t even need in court, but had it in our pockets. He can only see him now if he pays and is on my terms at my house or his grandparents house.
I would honestly talk to a lawyer and possibly a counselor first so she can get an unbiased view of what’s going on. Then proceed from there. My little guy turns 6 in December so almost the exact age :).[/quote]
My god Bauber, you’re the man. If I interpreted what you wrote correctly you’re a real man and your son sounds like he’s in great hands.
[/quote]
Not to get too weird, but about 6 months before she passed she made me promise her I would take care of him if anything happened to her. I didn’t think anything of it at the time. I was raised by good parents. They taught me you always keep your word and be a man, which I will admit is not always easy by any means. That doesn’t mean you wont mess up and do the wrong thing at times, but you have to do the right thing when it really counts. And if you mess up, you take the consequences head on and with truth. When my final breaths are at hand I want to be able to look back and be proud of what I have done. And all that really matters when I draw my last breath are the people who are left that I loved and those that I helped and helped me along the journey of life.
And I really feel for you too Spock81. You are in a tough situation, but all you can do is love the little man and do your best. Kids are smart and they know who has their best interest at heart. The rest will sort itself out. And you have gotten some solid advice here.
[quote]thethirdruffian wrote:
[quote]csulli wrote:
That being said, the possibility still exists that the dad is a massive negative influence who is very badly affecting his son’s psyche. Anyway I doubt he’s that great of a guy. [/quote]
I don’t doubt for a second he’s a complete loser. My biological father certainly is/was.
But a boy doesn’t need to hear that.
This whole thing brings back a lot of memories.
I was about 12-13, hunting with my step-father and my little brother (1/2 brother). My biological dad had been giving my mom some sort of grief. Anyway, I was pissed and going on-and-on about what a piece of shit my biological dad was, down to, and including my plan to go and kill the piece of shit.
My step-dad — who is my real dad — who is all of 5’08" or so, but then a BLM police officer, told me to stop, and when I didn’t, he put me over his knee (and I was easily 6’0 200lbs at this time) and SPANKED THE SHIT OUT OF ME with his belt, telling me to “honor my father and my mother, even if my father is a piece of shit.”
Last time I was spanked. I also was (am) always polite about my biological father – at least around my parents.
We still laugh about that. My dad says he was worried I might kick his ass at the time.[/quote]
I agree with Ruffian about never bad mouthing the dad around the boy. But hugging and holding hands with this scumbag as On Edge suggested?!? Hell no,not necessary.
Hey Jen,
I’ve read your training log(s) for the last few months and I know that a few times you’ve mentioned your son and his father as well. Every time you’ve spoken about him in your logs, my blood starts to boil. And then, after reading your posts in this thread, I had to reply. I have two kids (daughter 4y.o., son 2 y.o.) and it is unfathomable to me how some parents can treat their own children. You’ve received some great advice from other posts. The only thing that I could add is that I think it is IMPERATIVE to somehow expose him to some really great MALE role models to counteract the negative influence that his dad represents in his life. I’m not saying to get involved with a man solely to have him be a step-father (although if that happened naturally that would be great),but there are many other options.
Uncles, grandfathers, close male friends, coaches, teachers, even someone from a Big Brothers program would be great. My uncle was a Big Brother to a 7 year old boy for 2 years and you wouldn’t believe the difference it made in that boy’s life. Totally different person at the end of the experience. You sound like an unbelievable mom and a great person and you and your son deserve better than this asshole. All the best to you both.
Spock, I don’t have anything to offer other than my well wishes for this particular situation, BUT…
As someone who grew up without a father (past age 13), I would recommend you read Iron John by Robert Bly. It’s “a book about men” and is meant as a self-help sorta thing for guys, but the book talks about how a lot of males are raised in today’s society with “too little father/too much mother.”
It’s not a parenting book by any means, but I think any single mother of a boy could benefit from some of the ideas in it. Especially a single mother as well-meaning as you.
Good luck with the situation at hand, though. Gabe’s lucky he’s got you as a mom.
Wow, honestly I think this thread has restored my faith in humanity.
Some really wonderful posts in here, and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to me.
I know right now in my kid’s eyes I am mother of the year just because I play minecraft with him every night, LOl. He is my best friend you know? I have never known anyone I could hang out with or talk with quite like him. And I guess maintaining that type of bond is probably the most important factor in the long run.
Really, thanks again friends.
I do feel quite relieved even though the situation is still pretty shit-tackular. Like not quite so useless I suppose.
[quote]Spock81 wrote:
Wow, honestly I think this thread has restored my faith in humanity.
Some really wonderful posts in here, and I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond to me.
I know right now in my kid’s eyes I am mother of the year just because I play minecraft with him every night, LOl. He is my best friend you know? I have never known anyone I could hang out with or talk with quite like him. And I guess maintaining that type of bond is probably the most important factor in the long run.
Really, thanks again friends.
I do feel quite relieved even though the situation is still pretty shit-tackular. Like not quite so useless I suppose. [/quote]
You dont even have a Blaze or Skeleton XP farm.
I have both.
Plus Diamond boots.
There is something, and I will get shat on for this but, here I go…
Dont get me wrong, best of luck with a difficult situation.
But, not getting in it the first place, that would have been nice?
I mean, he did not turn into a turd over night, he was exactly that from the beginning.
Unfortunately, that does get da panteez wet.
The best thing would have been to not have sex with him at all (yeah, I am an asshole) but if it was inevitable to use contraception (yeah, again, asshole, me), or finally abortion, adoption, the whole shebang.
Kids who grow up without a somewhat decent father have shitty cards in live and I do have a rough idea what I am talking about, I have nothing to say regarding dealing with his father, but this boy needs a male role model like a starving refugee needs bread.
In short, SNAFU…