A Little Rant About Life

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Hey

I anticipate this is going to be a long post. I’m probably posting this to get it off my chest but I hope I’ll get some valuable advice. There are people on here that I believe could chime in with some useful and probably enlightening insights based on what I have read about them.

So, I’m an Italian guy, turned 18 last Friday. I live in a relatively small city, about 100k people.

Ever since elementary school, I’ve always had troubles getting along with my peers. Back in the day, I would blame that on them but I can see that my attitude has always made it difficult for most people to like me.

I believe I’m an intelligent person, in that I can easily learn stuff (I was able to learn English by myself, without ever being taught by anyone outside school, and believe me that the way they teach English at school here is lousy), and I find myself being able to process stuff that most of my peers just don’t get. What I’ve grown to believe as well, though, is that my intelligence is probably a curse to me, more than anything else.

While I appear like a normal, even confident person, I really experience a great deal of anxiety is pretty much every aspect of my life. If that matters, I’ve also come to believe that I might be affected by some degree of OCD.

Over the years, my experience with friends has been similar to this: I join a new group, everything seems great for a couple of months, then I start to notice most people just plain can’t stand me. The context changes, but it’s always like this.

Up until I was 15 I’d never kissed a girl, but although I’m not particularly good looking, I now don’t have problems with that aspect. I’ve had 6ish girlfriends and have been with about 30 girls over the past 3 years.
I’ve currently been with my gf for about 4-5 months.

Around November, I fought with some people belonging to my group and now pretty much all of them hate me.
I’m only left with my best girl friend (which also used to be somewhat of a friend with benefits), who is the only person I really trust apart from my mother, and a handful of acquaintances that I go out with.

Other than that, I ended up living by my girlfriend. I only look forward to the time I can spend with her, because nothing else makes me happy. I know this is severely toxic behavior, I’m not a delusional person by any means and I know very well where this will head if things stay this way.

My life is now the gym—when I’m at school, I spend my time during classes browsing T nation with my cell phone (I can afford that as my grades are very high despite low to no effort) and the only thing I do with joy is going to the gym (and eating).

When I’m out with “friends” I hardly ever have a good time, and when I have it’s just because of a good laugh because of a joke, and then everything comes back to normal.
And watching a film with my gf and having sex with her are about the only other things that make it worth it for me.

I also love music, and singing. Despite not being particularly good at it, I often spend time in the evenings recording covers for my favorite songs (I set up a small home studio with an iMac, a mic, sound card, and a good pair of speakers).

For the past 4 months, I also developed issues with sleeping, as I discussed in another thread here. I started taking Biotest’s Z12 and it kinda sorta seems to help, but I still notice that from time to time my head will just keep racing with thoughts when I try to sleep. It’s usually anxiety about my girlfriend, even though I don’t really know why. I know it’s not her, it’s me. I get very emotional inside for most stuff, even though I don’t let it become apparent from the outside. When that happens at bedtime, I’ll feel my heart racing and experience hot waves that lead me to sleep with an open window and shirtless, even in the winter.

This has also led me to develop some mild depression episodes around the evenings. I feel like I need something, like something’s missing. Like nothing has meaning and I’m just wasting time.

I considered seeing a psychologist, but I would like to hear opinions and thoughts from someone older than me that might have had similar experiences first.

Wish I could add a tl;dr but that’d end up being just too incomplete and still not short enough.
A big THANK YOU to anyone who made it this far, and I hope someone will actually comment.

Samuele

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You seem fairly self aware for an 18 year old, so you’ll probably be given the benefit of the doubt, I’m a strong proponent of self-care (whatever form that takes) and counseling services, if you’re catching yourself with mild depressive swings, tendency towards dependence (on your girlfriend) and are struggling to initiate and maintain relationships outside of your girlfriend and your mother then I would say that counseling would be a solid choice (an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and all that). If you’re able to get out in front of it and nip it in the bud, you’re going to see relationships (both personal and professional) flourish and that “missing” feeling, which is probably the urge to fit in with a group, will hopefully have the edges sanded down. As far as the sleeping, it sounds stress related to me (in my non-professional opinion) stress manifests itself in a lot of different ways, and one of the first, and most noticeable, things to go is sleep, it is a vicious cycle.
-Stress leads to lack of sleep
-Lack of sleep leads to lack of energy/will power
-Lack of energy/will power leads to more stress
-Rinse, wash, repeat.

Break that cycle by getting in touch with a professional, it will probably take fewer sessions than you think, be less painful than you think, and help more than you initially thought.

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You should see a professional for an actual diagnosis. There are things you can do, including medication, to help with OCD. I’ve seen a pretty destructive dose of OCD before and medication helped this person tremendously.

As far as the whole friend’s thing goes, that’s a tough one. I personally dislike large groups or “clicks” so to speak. Aside from the wife, I have three very good friends. The type of friends you’d fly across the country to help on a dime type of friends.

Otherwise, most everyone else I consider a friend I’m not close with. I might see them at a BBQ or whatever and we are friendly, but I’m still pretty guarded in the exchanges. Perhaps, you simply haven’t found a friend(s) like that? Perhaps, you’re trying to fit in with a group when you really just need one or two best friends? I hate groups. That would never work for me.

I wish I could help with the anxiety, but I don’t relate.

This I do understand, but I’m not sure how to really help. I struggle with this too. I’ve found purpose in my sons without a doubt. I think, aside from something like that, you need to find something you’re passionate about (like the music). For me, it’s been a side business and artwork. I’m not very good, but I’m learning and getting better. More importantly, I enjoy the experience. I enjoy the growth.

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What was the reasoning the relationships, whether friendship or otherwise, came to an end? Could it be that you don’t contribute to friendships and end them, consciously or otherwise, when you stop getting what you want? If you and your gf went from 4-5 times a week to once a week or every ten days, would you sabotage the relationship because you aren’t getting your needs met?

In friendship, the same could apply. Instead of sex, obviously, you instead find the perceived depth of their intellect and drop them?

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Okay, bit of a reality check. You are 18 years old. The vast majority of teenage boys are complete narcissists and trying to sleep with any girl that says yes. Your prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain that controls high level reasoning) isn’t even done growing yet.

The fact that you are having guilt about friends and you’re getting wrapped up about a girlfriend are actually good things in a way. You are at least thinking about other people and are wondering if you might be part of the problem. Some guys live their whole lives without this reflection.

It shows you were raised to respect others to some degree, thank your mom.

My only suggestions:

  1. Take yourself less seriously. You’re an 18 year old kid, go with the flow and figure out what you want from life. Stop fighting and let the current carry you a bit.

  2. Don’t let the opinions of others rule your thoughts. Decide who you’re going to be and work to get better every day. Everyone has haters, sometimes people suck. Sometimes you suck. You can entertain their input and see if anything they say has merit. If it’s just negative hate, then you don’t need them in your life.

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Hi and thank you for your post!

I’m not really sure what this means here?

Anyway, I’m not sure how to go about counseling—I’d have to talk about it to my parents. My dad is largely unaware of all this, whereas I already expressed my pain to my mom many times in the past. I just didn’t go into details as much as I did here.

Ironically, I haven’t yet found myself having problems to get to the end of the day, energy wise. I even had good training sessions while not having slept well the night before. In fact, when I wake up in the morning, I usually laugh at how bad I felt just some hours before for not being able to sleep. Meanwhile, when it’s actually happening (so when I’m in my bed unable to sleep), I feel as bad as it can get. I feel like crying, like I’m about to have a heart attack, like I’m lonely and need someone’s shoulder to lean on. Then it’s all gone in the morning.

That usually happen either when I go to bed with bad thoughts in mind or when I realize I haven’t felt asleep in a little time and anxiety starts to kick in.

It happened twice with the last group I used to be part of.

  1. In October, people started to get away from me. The people I used to be friend with, like, until the day before, didn’t greet me anymore, people started to ignore me and look bad at me. I was left with my best friend only (she’d started hating those people for doing that to me for apparently no reason). Then one night I approached one of my ex friends and straight up asked him what the hell was going on.

I find myself circled by 10 people who were accusing me of beating my ex gf and similar things. I realized what had been done—my ex was straight up crazy, as in diagnosed bipolar disease, and had been inventing crazy shit about me for a week. And I didn’t know about that. Her current boyfriend and she had been talking to those people and they were about to beat the shit out of me.

I was able to prove innocent because I had some recordings of her admitting to bring crazy. Then one of the guy called her and she contradicted herself. They all apologized, we went to her place and I punched her bf in the face. After that, he ran as fast as light, despite having claimed he would’ve beat me if he had encountered me until moments before. Then we all went back and everything was good.

  1. … For a month or so, until I started dating my current gf. I was a complete rumbas, because the day after my first date with her, I kissed another girl (which had liked me for long) and one of my friends saw me. He said he didn’t really care though. Then, the following night, I saw he talking to my gf, and joking with her in a way that I just didn’t like. He was drunk, and lying on a bench. After seeing him around her once more, I went to him and told him, “we need to talk.” He told me to lift him up. I grabbed him by the arms and lifted him. Then told him, “don’t you think it’s time to stop it with her?”. He became red by the anger, and started shouting that I had just hit him and said that he had told her about the kiss. Then grabbed a bottle and threatened to hit me with it. I did not react, instead I talked to the girl saying that he had lied (I know…) and shit. Ever since that night, the guy has been talking shit about me to everyone. When we were in the same place, he would ignore me. Then once I left, he would shout from a distance, “come back idiot! I’m going to break your face” or similar. One time I was about to get back at him, but the people I was with held me.

The whole thing snowballed and I fought with some other of the people in the group and now barely anyone talks to me. I’ve been called “false,” and a word that doesn’t really exist in English but basically means that someone will say anything, even what they don’t think, in order to “save” themselves from a bad situation.

I know a big part of this is my fault, but there are much more things that played a role in this and some of them I didn’t really meant to do.

Not unless it was because she didn’t want to. I mean, if we don’t get a chance to, that’s okay. But if we do and she doesn’t feel like it, then I’m not okay with it. It happened and I always threatened to leave (sometimes I was actually about to), and she always gave in.

I guess that has to do with the fact that every living thing seems to be designed to reproduce as much as possible to increase the chances of survival for their species.

Problem is, every time I try and get to a conclusion, I just can’t seem to be able to. I keep wondering whether it’s me, them, of how much this is my fault etc.

I’m truly sorry for some of the things that I did, but what scares my is that back in the moment I wasn’t.

That’s easier said than done. I know that most of my haters suck. They are extremely stupid people, and they spend their days either drinking (because that’s kewl) or smoking pot (I used to too, but I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s best not to). But that doesn’t mean I don’t suck too. The way they express their hate for me might be silly, but the reasons are probably valid.

And that makes me feel even less valuable and more “wrong.”

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If this actually reflects your attitude it’s no wonder you have relationship issues.

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This is what I suspected. Fix this. You are manipulating someone for their affection; worse yet, you are manipulating her for sex.

I’d say you are at fault and so are your friends. No surprise, no ones ever 100% at fault. Now, remove yourself from your group and figure out why you only take from relationships and don’t give back. I’d suggest talking to a counselor about this. Is your dad around?

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I second the advice to talk to a professional. You mentioned mild depression, slight OCD, and difficulty with relationships. A lot of those things can be addressed by talking to someone and not internalizing the problems, but if you let them fester for a long time they can grow to become bigger problems.

I have had points in my life where I have needed to talk to a therapist and it was a lot of help. The therapy was almost more about me putting my thoughts out there and hearing them for myself, but having a setting to do that was very important.

Manipulation like this is not ok, but you’re also 18 and figuring this stuff out. Having specifics like this as examples of how you traditionally handle situations that don’t go the way you want are helpful to understand how you could be better in that situation.

I’m not going to say much more as I’m not trained to help with the anxiety you describe. I have found that trying to handle it myself was not possible, being able to talk to someone and get help can be very liberating.

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Give you the benefit of the doubt as in give you advice rather than assume you’re a troll of some sort.

Re: going about getting counseling, if you are in school (whatever level) there are typically counselors available to students, and they in turn, have the ability and resources to get you to another level, if necessary.

This sounds a lot like generalized anxiety disorder (I am not a professional and cannot make a diagnosis, I simply have a background in psych and have ran across similar things in my personal life)
The inability to “turn your brain off” and fall asleep typically stems from the general anxiety of the day (I’m anxious and overwhelmed but don’t know why. Does this sound familiar?) In the light of day (which comes with a boatload of distractions hmm…) things don’t seem nearly as “big” because they aren’t front and center on your mind (because they can’t be.)

I have personally seen both counseling and low dose meds work for that specific issue, quality of life improved immensely with both scenarios.

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I don’t think he’s a troll. He’s posted a lot here over the last year or so. That’s why I gave him a serious reply.

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My parents split up when I turned 6. I used to live with me my mum until I was 16. At that point, we fought every day and I came to take the decision I wouldn’t have ever thought I could take: I went to live with my dad. He’s never really been present. He used to care more about the women he was with than me. Now that I live with him that’s the same—he was with a woman that lived in another city and 3 days a week he’d go and sleep at her place and I’d be alone. Now he’s with another woman and I barely ever see him, despite “living with him.” He never sleeps at our place, etc. He’s a very superficial person, and I believe he doesn’t care about anyone else other than himself. No, I don’t want to talk about this to him.

On the other hand, I’ve not got a very meaningful relationship with my mother, with whom I’ve recovered and I now see her everyday. I was such an idiot.

I can see how that’d be useful: even talking about this here is making me feel better! However I don’t want to rely to much on it as I believe this is probably little more than just mental masturbation—I’m not actually facing the problem… And just talking about it makes me feel like I’m taking steps when I’m really not.

Two years ago I was introduced to the red pill reddit. Anyone is familiar with it? It has very controversial ideas, and I used to get a little brainwashed by it. As of now, I haven’t even read it for months, but some of its principles have made me realize that they aren’t all wrong. I had a chance to see some behaviors in real life and it was eye opening. However, I might have been a little carried away. For a period, I used to hate everyone.

Well, I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to prove beyond doubt that I’m not, I’ll just say that I think that anyone who would waste time to write as much stuff as I’m doing for no reason is a complete idiot.

I don’t know what’s available in my school, but I wouldn’t really trust it for this kind of stuff. Professional psychologists are obliged by law to keep everything private. Besides, many of the people who work at my school I believe are utterly incompetent and would never trust them.

I’m also a bit ashamed for the whole “counseling of even meds” thing. It’s probably somewhat of a taboo, but still, I hate myself for even needing this.

Totally.

Exactly! It’s like everything I fear in the evening doesn’t scare me during the day.

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This made me chuckle.

For reasons beyond your control you haven’t been shown how a healthy adult conducts life. Don’t feel ashamed fo seeking counseling. It appears you have similar tendencies. Now that you are aware, it’s up to you to address it… or not.

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@samul I second this. There is a pretty negative stigma surrounding psychological help (which is slowly being turned around with the backing of celebrities and such) but one way I’ve looked at it, and the way I’ve “sold” it to other people is that, if you are willing to supplement your diet to get a better body, supplements for your sleep to function better…why would you not be ok with supplementing your brain to help with quality of life? Just something to think about. You still put the work in…it doesn’t just go away, it simply helps you adjust.

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That is why you talk with a professional, who can guide you through the conversation and re-direct you when you are no longer making progress.

Listen to this.

It is not your fault your father didn’t give you a good example to live by. There is nothing wrong with getting help, and a professional can do a lot more for you than reddit or Tnation.

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Kudos on the self reflection, but be careful. Without some guidance (an objective adult) it can easily turn into self flagellation

You seem to have some very high expectations of yourself and other people and what their roles should be, but when they don’t fulfill those expectations, your opinion of them becomes very low. This does not bode well for long term friendships and relationships. Try to realize that you are 50% of every interaction you have- Good, bad, or indifferent- the other people or person has their part and you have yours. And most importantly in that- nobody is perfect. Neither you or them, and mistakes are going to be made.

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Why Do People Refuse Facts?
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This made me think quite a bit. I’ve always criticized him, but now I realize I might just be a smaller version of him, waiting to grow up to be like him…

Alright, I’ll try and find the heart to talk about this to my mother, again. She’s the first person that comes to my mind if I need help to get in contact with a professional for something like this.

One of the fears I have is to get to talk with someone who is actually incompetent. I don’t have much faith in doctors to be honest, and I fear getting “help” by someone who could actually make things worse. Or just be a huge waste of money.

Very true indeed…

This is a very interesting cue and I’ll be putting it to work from now.

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i also want to put here something that has really been bothering me recently. adolescence troubles, i guess…

on the 28th of this month there will be a party at a local disco and my gf has been talking about going there with her girl friends.

i have always had anxiety related to the disco. for me, i feel like it is a situation in which i have no control; i don’t like dancing and when i used to go every coulpe of months last year i would only think about going there to possibly make out with girls. and the thought of not doing it, or getting rejected or the such just would make me even more anxious.

as of now, i hardly ever go to the disco as i simply don’t enjoy it, and the last time i did it was with my current girlfriend, who’d invited me, last december.

now she wants to go with her friends. she’ll mainly be with her best friend–she’s also been with her bf for over a year and i’m pretty sure she never cheated on him.

we fought about it as i just don’t feel comfortable with that. i know the best thing would be to project confidence and trust in her and just let her go, but i couldn’t just shut up.

she was close to tears when we ended the talk, i basically just told her i don’t trust her going alone and explained the reasons. then proceeded to say that while i’m not going to leave her if she goes, i anticipate things will not be the same between us afterwards.

she swore she is 100% sure she is not going to cheat on me and she’s only going to have fun and dance with her friends–she added, “just because i go to the disco doesn’t mean i go there to make out with someone.”

she told me that if i had been to go with my friends, she would try and trust me and so should i. she even suggested i go with my friends if they are going there too.

i know some of my friends are going and i’ll join them. not to spy on her tho. i want to signal her that whatever the fuck she does, i’m not going to just stay there and watch.

something tells me she’s really into me (she’s shown that many, many times), but knowing the human nature i’m still afraid of what she might do. so i don’t think she’ll cheat on me. but at the same time i fear she might.

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You can switch therapists if you don’t fit with the one you start with. That is normal.

You need to talk to people off the internet (preferably a professional) who can help you find better ways to deal with the lack of trust you are displaying here.

You are manipulating her due to lack of trust. You’ve expressed anxiety and difficulty in being mature enough to have a trusting relationship. I would highly recommend talking to a professional about those things as they are fixable, but if you do not address them they will continue to make your life difficult.

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Profound truth right there.

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