[quote]orion wrote:
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
Idiocy is not manipulation. In the end, I suppose I was looking for reassurance, which I got once I was able to talk about what happened, so it could perhaps be called a shittest, but coldly calculating? Ha, no. ALL of our fights have been based in being fearful of how much we like each other, and one of us feeling vulnerable as a result. They’ve also all been the lead-in to a conversation that increased intimacy or commitment. [/quote]
First yes, most of the time its instinctive.
The “they act cold, calculating and utterly ruthless” bit is what it looks like fromn the outside, I know it looks different from the inside, however to use a staple “hypergamy does not care”.
Female instincts are utterly ruthless, as they must be for the survival of the species, but at a time where there is no check on them whatsoever you either learn the art of the mindfuck or you can tattoo “yes dear” right on your forehead.
Not only that, they are highly dysfunctional in this day and age because we do not really need to reward athletes, bikers and career criminals because they do not really comntribute to society much.
Joe Beta however does and its really, really, really bad that to work hard, get a decent job, find a nice girl is a script that can lead to financial and emotional ruin.
Finally, I noticed that he did not supplicate, when you pulled back, so did he, I bet when you argued he got loud too.
I hate to say it, but this is textbook game and what you did was a) a social dominance test, and b) an investment test which is interesting because that means that you have accepted him as top dog.
You have found your Alpha, congratulations. [/quote]
I understand what it looks like to you from the outside; I’m offering you a view to the inside. There is nothing cold or calculating about it, it’s all confusion and worry. In this specific case because I have to decide soon where I’m going to live, in his town or closer to my new work. His town is very much HIS town and if things don’t ultimately work out between us it’s going to be difficult.
He’s not confused as to my motives or internal processes because they always come spilling out eventually. And then we talk about them. So I would say that to him, my behavior reflects what he knows of me (that I’m a dumbass, lol). He doesn’t see it as ruthless.
Some of our ruptures have been about his insecurities, but I can’t speak to those except from my own perspective. They could certainly be called shittests, though, and we’ve run essentially the same playbook, except with me pulling back and waiting, then ultimately addressing the underlying concern.
He has felt in the past that I have more options than I realize (for sex, boyfriends) and that ultimately I will want something different/better. Except I’m not a grass-is-greener kind of person, and I like HIM and have since the very first day. Which I think he believes now…and come to think of it, probably has for a while. So I suppose now my insecurities are dominating. Although I think maybe this week put the last of those to rest. Maybe.
These is no need for a social dominance test; we’re both savvy enough to know where we fall in that, and we’re each very clear that we feel lucky to have the other. We’re a well-matched couple, for all sorts of reasons. Is he my alpha? Maybe. He’s a strong, smart guy. I respect him and he makes me tingle. But I know where his weaknesses are, too, because he’s very free about sharing them.
To me, that’s real confidence, whereas attempting to maintain a facade of alpha invincibility smacks of insecurity. He knows my weaknesses, too, or at least the most significant of them. It’s okay. It’ll either work or it won’t, but if not it won’t be because of deception on either of our parts.
And lastly, we don’t yell. Yet. 
