[quote]Powerpuff wrote:
About oxytocin - the hormone. Not oxycontin the opioid. LOL!!
I don’t know, but the idea of increased bonding speaks to me.
Pat your joke about not caring, reminded me of my plan to use marijuana to treat my PMS. Whenever I’m feeling bitchy my hubs can have a brownie so it doesn’t bother him. I believe both you and Beans told me that this isn’t how it works.
You know, I was thinking about how the behavioral economists will tell you that one of the keys to happiness is lower expectations. I always dreamed about having a mortgage, a bunch of kids who need orthodontia, and a sex life that, on a scale of one to ten, was a good solid three. All my dreams have come true. See how that works?
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Well it depends on how you look at it. In one sense all our dreams have come true, because we are all blessed beyond our deserve. It takes wisdom, not whining to recognize that.
However, did you get everything you want? Nah, probably not. But who the hell does?
Lower expectations leads to less disappointment, not happiness.
I am very cynical, therefore often pleasantly surprised. My default is to think that people are assholes. When they are not, I am pleasantly surprised when I run in to people like yourself who are centered and not fucked in the head.
Just another thought here. I think we often assume that this stuff should be effortless when that’s rarely the case. Couples who have awesome food at home spend some time planning and shopping and preparing it. My hubs wishes I’d spend more time on this! People who are really organized, spend some time and mental energy on that. People who have a really great physique, or even just maintain their weight as they age, spend some time and mental energy on that.
Similarly, couples who are still HOT for each other, or have strong, healthy relationships after 10, 15, 20 years - They spend some time and mental energy on that. As far as taking advantage of oxytocin, you could do an experiment where you tried just climbing into bed together and spooning and talking a few times a week. Doing that naked would be better because there’s something magical about skin to skin contact for human bonding, and it’s a reminder that physical intimacy is the ONE thing that separates your marriage relationship from all the other relationships in your life. That alone would probably keep most couples from feeling physically disconnected. I think there’s some power in just saying “You know those couples who are still HOT for each other? Lets be like that.”
…In our marriage that “responsibility” falls mainly on me. I don’t mean that she doesn’t care or doesn’t try, I just, for whatever reason, became the one who initiates most of our physical contact and spends that mental energy. I wasted some time harboring a little ill will about this fact, but I eventually just accepted that that’s the way it is, for us at least…
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Indeed. I think the point could be made that’s it’s requisite that the man be the initiator – most of the time – because we are wired to be the pursuer; it’s just the way it is.
What we as men obviously don’t want in a spouse is someone that does NOT want to be “caught.” We don’t want to be the racing greyhound that never catches the rabbit and all we do is run.[/quote]
I think that’s probably true of sex, but I think women initiate just as much, or more, non-sexual physical contact. Some of which could be considered sexual initiation, I suppose, though. I dunno, if you straddle someone to talk and honestly mean to talk, but then wind up having sex, does that count as initiating, or does the person who starts taking clothes off get to count it as an initiation?
Pat your joke about not caring, reminded me of my plan to use marijuana to treat my PMS. Whenever I’m feeling bitchy my hubs can have a brownie so it doesn’t bother him. I believe both you and Beans told me that this isn’t how it works.
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He doesn’t need the brownie, you do. Or you both do, but it’s more important for you to have the brownie than him. Stoned does not make immune to bitchy. Get stoned so you’re not bitchy, that works.
Read my book and you can be great too: 7 Steps to Losing that Pesky Wife and Taking Back Your Freedom!
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If I wanted to lose my wife, it would take about 2.5 seconds to do so. Freedom ain’t the same in your 40’s as it is in your 20’s. When you’re young, you have lots of options. when you are older, not so much and the options you do have, have baggage. Or you can be one of those old losers at a titty bar dumping hundreds of bucks on chicks you’ll never get.
Everybody I know who has ended up getting caught up in doing stupid shit end up miserable. No thanks.
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But it is buy one get one free this weekend only. And if you order now we can get you a free copy of: “Swagger: Lessons for White Boys” with your purchase!
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LOL! Can I get: “Female beer goggles: How to make your dick seem bigger to her by shoving it in her ass” as a bonus?[/quote]
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
Straddling counts as initiating without regard for motives. It doesn’t even have an equivalent to make an analogy to. [/quote]
Okay, then, what about snuggling up in bed and kissing the closest shoulder? Shoulders are pretty sexless. I would call not call that sex, or the initiation of sex. And yet. . .
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
Straddling counts as initiating without regard for motives. It doesn’t even have an equivalent to make an analogy to. [/quote]
Okay, then, what about snuggling up in bed and kissing the closest shoulder? Shoulders are pretty sexless. I would call not call that sex, or the initiation of sex. And yet. . .[/quote]
Well, the shoulder bones connected to the ____ bone…
So yep.
…In our marriage that “responsibility” falls mainly on me. I don’t mean that she doesn’t care or doesn’t try, I just, for whatever reason, became the one who initiates most of our physical contact and spends that mental energy. I wasted some time harboring a little ill will about this fact, but I eventually just accepted that that’s the way it is, for us at least…
[/quote]
Indeed. I think the point could be made that’s it’s requisite that the man be the initiator – most of the time – because we are wired to be the pursuer; it’s just the way it is.
What we as men obviously don’t want in a spouse is someone that does NOT want to be “caught.” We don’t want to be the racing greyhound that never catches the rabbit and all we do is run.[/quote]
I think that’s probably true of sex, but I think women initiate just as much, or more, non-sexual physical contact. Some of which could be considered sexual initiation, I suppose, though.
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My hunch, or my experience even (or observation of others’ experience) is the initiator of of more non-physical contact probably initiates more sexual contact.
However, aside from that, I enjoy the woman initiating both. FWIW.
Em, my darling, ________________________________________________________________________________________________. I had a response all typed out and then decided to just say, “I dunno. Whadda you think?”[/quote]
I just think of it as living a happy life and don’t examine it much past that. However, I am rarely the one to escalate into sex.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
However, I am rarely the one to escalate into sex.[/quote]
Which of you has the stronger sex drive?[/quote]
I thought and thought about this, then got some coffee to aid the process - but still have no idea. I’m more invested in maintaining general physical contact, e.g. kissing hello and then stopping occasionally to make out as we cook dinner after work, or sitting close to watch tv. I know that on the rare occasions he comes to bed after me, I find him and snuggle in without really waking.
But sex? I’m just not sure. Sometimes it’s an expansion of what I’m doing, other times it happens when I’m not focused in that direction at all. I’m not sure if our drives are even or what. I have no idea. Which perhaps suggests that we’re well matched in that regard, because otherwise wouldn’t I know that I’m always having to push, or that I often feel pushed?
It’s pretty nice, is what I’d have to say, having given it a good amount of coffee-fueled thought. Although that wasn’t really the question.
In other news, I don’t know where the mouse is this morning and am now thinking it would have been wiser to be brave last night and deal with it then than to live life wondering whether it might be in the shoes I have to put on this morning.
I have grinded my own gears with my slimy yellow cowardice.
Pat your joke about not caring, reminded me of my plan to use marijuana to treat my PMS. Whenever I’m feeling bitchy my hubs can have a brownie so it doesn’t bother him. I believe both you and Beans told me that this isn’t how it works.
[/quote]
He doesn’t need the brownie, you do. Or you both do, but it’s more important for you to have the brownie than him. Stoned does not make immune to bitchy. Get stoned so you’re not bitchy, that works.[/quote]
LOL! Not gonna happen, at least at this point in my life, but it was kind of a funny PMS joke right? "SOMEONE AROUND HERE NEEDS TO MELLOW OUT AND I’M PRETTY SURE THAT PERSON ISN’T ME!!!- Says the chick with PMS. Best of luck. I’m pretty sure everybody who’s been married for awhile has gone through some of this same thing at one point or another. We’re not always in sync.
Dr J Thanks. And I think you said what probably everybody here was thinking.
Push, Emily - I’ve appreciated your thoughts. And thanks.
[quote]SkyzykS wrote:
Straddling counts as initiating without regard for motives. It doesn’t even have an equivalent to make an analogy to. [/quote]
Okay, then, what about snuggling up in bed and kissing the closest shoulder? Shoulders are pretty sexless. I would call not call that sex, or the initiation of sex. And yet. . .[/quote]
Huh? Are you high tonight?[/quote]
She’s just never seen shoulders like ours. Pure sex.
Pat your joke about not caring, reminded me of my plan to use marijuana to treat my PMS. Whenever I’m feeling bitchy my hubs can have a brownie so it doesn’t bother him. I believe both you and Beans told me that this isn’t how it works.
[/quote]
He doesn’t need the brownie, you do. Or you both do, but it’s more important for you to have the brownie than him. Stoned does not make immune to bitchy. Get stoned so you’re not bitchy, that works.[/quote]
LOL! Not gonna happen, at least at this point in my life, but it was kind of a funny PMS joke right? "SOMEONE AROUND HERE NEEDS TO MELLOW OUT AND I’M PRETTY SURE THAT PERSON ISN’T ME!!!- Says the chick with PMS. Best of luck. I’m pretty sure everybody who’s been married for awhile has gone through some of this same thing at one point or another. We’re not always in sync.
Dr J Thanks. And I think you said what probably everybody here was thinking.
Push, Emily - I’ve appreciated your thoughts. And thanks.
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Come on, eat the brownie! Eat it. You neeeeed it. Or just munch on some 'shrooms. Then you’ll be in a great mood. Don’t be a prude.
As far as PMS, I just nod and smile and STFU. I have learned a thing or two. And STFU is one of the great lost arts. Some shit just does not need to be said.
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
However, I am rarely the one to escalate into sex.[/quote]
Which of you has the stronger sex drive?[/quote]
I thought and thought about this, then got some coffee to aid the process - but still have no idea. I’m more invested in maintaining general physical contact, e.g. kissing hello and then stopping occasionally to make out as we cook dinner after work, or sitting close to watch tv. I know that on the rare occasions he comes to bed after me, I find him and snuggle in without really waking.
But sex? I’m just not sure. Sometimes it’s an expansion of what I’m doing, other times it happens when I’m not focused in that direction at all. I’m not sure if our drives are even or what. I have no idea. Which perhaps suggests that we’re well matched in that regard, because otherwise wouldn’t I know that I’m always having to push, or that I often feel pushed?
It’s pretty nice, is what I’d have to say, having given it a good amount of coffee-fueled thought. Although that wasn’t really the question.
In other news, I don’t know where the mouse is this morning and am now thinking it would have been wiser to be brave last night and deal with it then than to live life wondering whether it might be in the shoes I have to put on this morning.
I have grinded my own gears with my slimy yellow cowardice.[/quote]
lol… You asked a strait forward question, foolish enough to think you’d get a strait forward answer.
The answer was either ‘her’ or ‘him’ you got something all together different…
[quote]EmilyQ wrote:
However, I am rarely the one to escalate into sex.[/quote]
Which of you has the stronger sex drive?[/quote]
I thought and thought about this, then got some coffee to aid the process - but still have no idea. I’m more invested in maintaining general physical contact, e.g. kissing hello and then stopping occasionally to make out as we cook dinner after work, or sitting close to watch tv. I know that on the rare occasions he comes to bed after me, I find him and snuggle in without really waking.
But sex? I’m just not sure. Sometimes it’s an expansion of what I’m doing, other times it happens when I’m not focused in that direction at all. I’m not sure if our drives are even or what. I have no idea. Which perhaps suggests that we’re well matched in that regard, because otherwise wouldn’t I know that I’m always having to push, or that I often feel pushed?
It’s pretty nice, is what I’d have to say, having given it a good amount of coffee-fueled thought. Although that wasn’t really the question.
In other news, I don’t know where the mouse is this morning and am now thinking it would have been wiser to be brave last night and deal with it then than to live life wondering whether it might be in the shoes I have to put on this morning.
I have grinded my own gears with my slimy yellow cowardice.[/quote]
lol… You asked a strait forward question, foolish enough to think you’d get a strait forward answer.
The answer was either ‘her’ or ‘him’ you got something all together different… :)[/quote]
Is “I’m not sure” or “I can’t tell” not a straight forward answer?
I believe both you and Beans told me that this isn’t how it works.
Best of luck. I’m pretty sure everybody who’s been married for awhile has gone through some of this same thing at one point or another. We’re not always in sync.