How to motivate our children to succeed… There are pretty much two ways to COERCE anyone, the carrot and the stick, but MOTIVATION comes from within. The “chinese” way, is primarily “the stick” (you BETTER get A’s or ELSE), while the “american” way is typically the carrot (if you get on the honor roll, I’ll buy you a play station). Neither is INTRINSICALLY motivating the child.
I think that neither way is very productive or contributes to a child’s independence, identity or self worth. The “chinese way” tends to stifle creativity and relies on rote memorization, repetition, and hours practicing a given subject in a rather “dogmatic” way - brutal, yet effective. The consequence being that if there is a below par student, then all kinds of unpleasant things can go wrong. On the flip side, the “american way” (at least as has been popular for the last 30 years or so) is leaving SO much potential on the table, it’s almost criminal. These “american” kids get away with all kinds of behavior and laziness that would be dealt with swiftly and severely in a “non-american” household. And the test results are showing the ineffectiveness of this way of “coddling” kids and worrying about their self esteem to point where they hand out trophies to the LOSERS at kids intramural sports. That’s just fucking ridiculous. If I had to choose between the two, I would say that the “chinese way” produces more consistent results of “moderate success” (good grades, good college, good job). The “american way” is simply… mediocre.
Fortunately there are plenty of different options, and NOT just the “american” or “chinese” way. My eldest son is an honor roll student, plays several instruments, plays sports (was soccer, but now he wants to learn football), will have his eagle scout rank in about a year, won the chess tournament at his school and is a active member in the chess club, was on a rubics cube team that placed FIFTH in the nation and he actually won money earlier this year, last week just received a presidential award for volunteer service - I could keep going… and I don’t MAKE him do anything!
I lead from the front - by example. I talk to him about what he wants in life. I ask him questions about what he THINKS. I offer alternatives to his ideas. I play devil’s advocate often. I give him opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them. I don’t ask him to do anything I can’t do. I hold him accountable to his word. I give him consequences when he shows “less than honorable” intentions. I offer him rewards when he makes unselfish decisions. I CHALLENGE him. I encourage him to take a leadership role in HIS life… So far (knock on wood), he has chosen excellence… I merely facilitate his choices and ideas and then get the hell out of the way. At the same time, I am BRUTALLY honest with him and don’t sugar coat anything when he screws up, and when he does, we BOTH find a way to never make that mistake again. He understands that the concept of “failure” is NOT linked to who he is as young man.
It all starts with good communication and trusting in your child’s inherent greatness.
That’s how I choose to parent. It takes a lot of effort in the beginning, but it is worth it, IMHO. Also, you kinda need to have your own shit together, because kids are smart and they WILL call you on it! LOL
My .02
