Hi I would like to share my thoughts on the undead. I would like to call this piece “The portrayal of women that use celebrity children to de-market advertising clutter and reach potential consumers under risk of gambling and smoking through blogs and countering negative word of mouth by recruiting possible monkey sorcerers on websites”
As I write this my life is in dyer peril. I fear for the fate of myself and the unborn. Because of the circumstances which I am privy to I feel it necessary to write a paper regarding consumer behaviour in relation to certain advertising objectives. My soul and most private thoughts have led me to believe that oblivion is riding on the mongoose?s underbelly of solitude. I am not as worried as much as I am impregnated with angst. I hope that in reviewing this paper and the thoughts that lay within one may draw greater insight to the topics discussed. All the information herein must be acknowledged as the absolute truth, possibly the will of the Holy Spirit. We are not here to question the testament of this paper but to be broadened by its unnerving magnitude.
Most often people conceive a subject such as this to be ubiquitous and omnipresent but they need not worry as the journey is often more important than the destination. As a vessel of the truth I cannot be regarded as an unwavering partition of hidden agendas and secret identities but as a being as loosely defined as the earth that rests beneath our feet. The acceptance of the facts may be hard to fully embrace, however, one has to be willing to accept their gracious and humbling soft caramel centre. There are several objectives that must be outlined and discussed for one to gain an entire understanding of the topic at hand. Some conclusions will be drawn while others must be developed on ones own.
The key topics of this document will include: why the use of children celebrities will play such a pivotal role once monkeys are introduced into mainstream media, as well as how the world will deal with the use of advertising clutter to de-market snuff films and tickle trunks. While we are fully aware of the dangers of having women play any central role of anything of importance we will have to note their portrayal of all such advertising scapegoats as the Cincinnati shuffle and the Yankee handbag. Although a dusty pickle may be heavily regarded in some circles in this one it is simply a repressed long-shot with little to no merit.
Most of the time we fantasize that monkeys will use their gift of sorcery to foretell the use of children celebrities in main stream advertising. My oldest and most fond memory of a monkey and child together was 16 years ago after I delivered my first still born child. I felt it necessary to use the child and not just discard it in the bin with the others. The doctor, a monkey at the time, recommended that we use it in a commercial targeted at the un-dead. I had my doubts initially, one has to admit that the idea back then seemed a little risky despite the rising popularity of still born children, however, I decided if I didn?t do this now I might never take the chance. I threw caution to the wind and we were able to launch a six month direct-mail campaign targeting our key demographic. At the onset, feedback was nil. The monkey and I were almost ready to throw in the towel at the six month period.
We had a long discussion that night in bed and looking into his big brown eyes, eyes so deep with intensity and ambition you could lose yourself, I decided to give the project one more week. To my immediate surprise and after doing several lines of cocaine off of the monkey?s ass we got our first sale for the embalming equipment we had advertised in the ad. The monkey and I were so thrilled that we ordered a string quartet and a stand-up comedian. I danced on the monkey?s chest all night that hot July evening. After that, sales just continued rolling in, snowballing one after the other. At that time I couldn?t tell but the monkey and I had a great career ahead of us using child celebrities, dead or alive in various advertising campaigns. Little did I know my relationship with the monkey would give rise to a method of revolutionizing the advertising industry. That revelation was using monkeys as the turnkey to a large-scale pandemic of advertising frenzy. I was lucky to be at the forefront of this growing phenomenon. It wasn?t until the addition of sorcery that this avenue of production really took off the ground.
The vast arsenal of advertising weapons commanded by a sorcerer is so dominating that it would be foolhardy for anyone involved in marketing to avoid this crimson blood path of victory. To say that monkeys have little influence in this dark realm would be like taking the cob out of the corn ? spells and mysticism would be fragments of broken unity, with nothing binding it together for all magicians to embrace. So, what then happens when a man takes his first steps into the pits of the overlords of Hell? Consider, for one moment, the plight of Giasuddin Al-Mamun, managing director of ?Channel 1? television: recently sentenced to 3 years in prison for failing to disclose his financial information to government associations. However, what people don?t know is that the reason he didn?t share his information is because he has over one hundred billion trillion dollars in his bank. Let?s investigate how he came across this money.
Giasuddin developed a thirst for more at the age of 35, while still living at his parents? house and receiving an allowance of $5 per week, provided he emptied the dishwasher when it was finished, and he raked the sandbox in the backyard once a week. Mr. Al-Mamum saw an ad in the paper recruiting necromancers to a club just down the street from his house. He decided to sign up, even though he had never been in the shoe-making business (that?s what he thought necromancy was). Within 10 minutes, the leader of the group summoned 15 lich mercenaries and ordered them to build him a treehouse in the yard. Once it was finished, Giasuddin was so impressed by the quality of the carpentry that he took a bathroom break and vomited in the sink for 20 minutes. The group got worried when he was gone for a while, and after checking the whole house, they finally found him naked in the bathroom with six toothbrushes placed in his anus. They were immediately concerned that a spell had gone wrong, but Giasuddin assured them that he was just excited at the prospect of commanding an army of undead Djinns. They all chuckled momentarily, before lashing out at him with a spell that pinned his arms and legs to the tub. Giasuddin tried to move, but his entire body was frozen in place, and the imps began to remove the blood from his body. To make a long story short, Giasuddin learned the ?Meteor Shower? spell and won the national pole-vaulting competition. After this victory, he was offered to buy a cable company, and he did. The moral of this story is that the Crusaders of Blood Mana provide monkeys with the means to alter advertising unconditionally to anyone who volunteers to burn in Hell forever.
Before we proceed it is imperative that we distinguish how someone might come to volunteer to ?burn in Hell forever.? One has to really weigh the pros and cons in this situation if they are to make a quality decision of whether or not they would like to embark in a journey in Hell. For Giasuddin Al-Mamun it was an easy choice that didn?t accrue much thought. Giasuddin was already a level 5 Halfling Cleric. With skills bread so deep in forms of divine magic the trade off between being damned to Hell for eternity or spending the rest of his days on a pleasure cruise along the river Styx with his dog Cerberus the choice was a ?no brainer.? With skills as potent and unquestioned as these it was clear he made the right decision. Being a level 5 Cleric Giasuddin would be able to control any nymph, hellspawn or gorgamole that impeded on his excellence. For other mere mortals the choice may not be as clear; whether you?re a dwarf-rogue or an elf-sorcerer make sure at a minimum you possess both your first aid responder and your CPR certifications from an accredited institution within the last two years.
The biggest problem that has occurred at the Channel 1 broadcasting office has been the inability to de-market snuff films and tickle trunks using gambling, cigarette and pro-gun legislation. This obviously can?t be solved using a one-tier assault. If one is smart and pro-active they will use all precious metals and fossil fuels at their disposal. It isn?t a cut and dry issue by any means nor should it be thought of as such. Initially to de-market both of these crude debaucheries the common approach is to fight ?fire? with ?fire?. In the old days one may misconstrue this approach with setting up a large scale fishery and irrigation system. And those people would be right! In order to successfully de-market almost anything the change-agent must get back to his or her foundation and solve the problem at the route. This is obviously not an easy or stead-fast task indeed. However, by looking at what is important, most of the time being successful branches of fisheries and irrigation, one can circumvent the tragic undertaking that might otherwise evolve into disastrous proportions. Working synergistically toward a common goal usually elicits triumph unfortunately this was not the case when discussing the above issue.
What has worked in the past might not necessarily work in the future and that is what this paper will discuss. Because times change so rapidly and the monkey/sorcery connection funnels itself at an almost infinite rate it is no wonder that mere men have trouble truly capturing its essence. Soon after failing miserably to de-market said objectives using out dated methods or fisheries and irrigation mazes the epiphany to allow monkeys to use their wizard abilities truly broke new ground. Soon after its implementation, with specific spells and talismans in place, the procedure to de-market the harmful bandits of death was achieved. Riots and fits of sexuality broke loose in the streets as tub-thumpers and ?yuppy? wannabes danced in hysterics while funneling tomato juice and balsamic monk?s urine. This specific episode was only observed in Columbus and further references to its incidence will only be misjudged and denied.
One such scheme where this happened was a bright October day at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. Oron, the Prince of Atlantis attempted to introduce a mouse-trap into his love-making with royal bishop. Seeing as how the bishop had refused prior invitations the cryptic move was much to his surprise. He attempted to juggernaut the Prince?s advances but found that by using the mouse-trap he offered something that no other Atlantian could. The two spooned for days and combed one another?s beards eating pealed grapes and various kinds of cheeses showering each other in chrysanthemums. When they announced their union they were boiled at the stake on a mountain of skulls. The king ordered that his son?s body not be shamed; that after he had been boiled his soul would be returned in another. Unfortunately Oron?s soul was returned to the body of a cripple which displeased the King and all his countrymen. Instead of risking another embarrassing resurrection the mighty King ordered the cripple cast to the hallow tower. He would be forced to wed a lion and create a new race.
From the perspective of a marketing deacon, this tale often serves as a reminder of bitter defeat. Though non-perishable traditions haunt their spirits as they walk, and Bavarian tribal mis-cues guide their feet like lamp-beams, Satan has no blessing in disguise.
As it is present, now more than ever, advertising is more about more than mere sales or black-smithery it is about poetry, love, and dance including and not limited to monkey sorcerers. Today I witnessed a virgin man drip candle wax from an urn onto his chest and in his mouth. I asked the man why he did this. He had no definite answer for me and instead opted to jerk-off on my shoes. As he came on my new loafers I looked up into the clouds and imagined Jesus making rice krispy square treats. I dreamed that Jesus, the man and I would eat the sugary squares and play canasta on a lake of fire. Unfortunately this wasn?t even close to the reality.
The man must have noticed me day dreaming. He punched me in the neck and stole my wallet. I only had twenty-dollars in their but had the only copy of my secret recipe for a new soda pop I was working on called 8UP. Later that day I saw my soda in a variety store window while six women and two dogs had a mad orgy in a kitty pool sponsored by and filled with 8UP. I saw in the reflection of the window the same man starring at me, smiling, jerking-off and eating rice krispy treats beside our friend Jesus. I knew I was to blame for my misfortune. The man obviously knew the power of using monkeys to advertise and had cashed in with his discovery of the 8UP recipe. I am now working on my next soda idea; 9UP. It?s a sweet blend of lemon and lime ? truly original, a sure winner! Only this time I will harness the power of monkeys and their unquestionable skill in the black arts to deliver a stellar campaign catapulting my soda into the mainstream, into the mouths of every man, bitch and child in the world. Amen.
As one can see from this over-whelming account of heartache I am undead. I raise every seven years to sing my sad song and plead for the messiah to grant me the amulet of rebirth. When the Holy One finally grants my request I can pursue my one passion, my destiny, my purpose. And that is to open a firm dedicated to the fair treatment and usage of all monkeys and their function in the world of direct-mail and copy write advertising.
