No, not that much of an outlier in response.
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Wasn’t close with my dad for most of my life - got close, and he passed away soon after due to an unhealthy lifestyle that eventually won out over some pretty superior genetics. Never played catch with him, took maybe one walk with him ever, no memories of him running around with us, ever.
A huge part of fitness, to me, is being the dad that is physically present with his kids. I think many of us are just trying to give our kids the stuff we wish we’d had, and spare them the stuff we wish we hadn’t. As @skyzyks and @mr.v3lv3t were talking about - parents can very much be a model for how not to parent.
That’s why having kids is so mind-blowing - it’s the first time that something exists in your life that’s more important than you. It’s also why it’s so potentially disastrous - because the people who don’t realize their kids are supposed to be more important than them can create real monsters.
Anyways - I love being a dad. Best thing that ever happened to me. Love being a husband too.
Saw the thread a while back and meant to comment, but never got around to it until now - great thread idea.
P.S. If you’re a parent and you’re not CPR certified, spend the few bucks and take an online course and an in-person skills session. You can also get the info yourself, but I can tell you, as someone who’s performed CPR in a real-life situation, you can learn all you want, but you need to practice it in a hands-on way, and even if you can get a friend to help you out in that situation, a professional can point out things you wouldn’t know you were doing wrong. Plus, the dummies they have now give you feedback on the depth and rate of your compressions, as well as your rescue breaths (which you also probably don’t want to practice with a buddy). There are SO many videos out there of helpless parents waiting until a stranger comes in to save the day. Don’t be that parent.
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You’re not an outlier. My dad was not physically abusive but he was pretty much almost as negligent as a father can be starting in my early teenage years. I have said many times that I look to him as a father and do everything opposite. That doesn’t sound good but it’s just the way it is.
Some people who knew of him, including friends, have attributed his negligence to his mental illness. He spent some years of his later life in the mental institution Creedmoor. There was a saying in Queens, “that guy belongs in Creedmoor,” for someone acting nutty. So when one’s family member winds up there, it’s like, sort of weird feeling.
While that was true, he was not the nicest guy in some respects. He was a scammer, defiant, lazy, and negligent, and had several vices.
I visited him a few times in the last year of his life while he resided in a skilled nursing facility. With all that is written here I regret not visiting more. When I visited him that year for the first time with my wife he broke down in tears. So he obviously regretted something.
I do forgive him but I do lay blame on him for a lot that went seriously wrong in my family. I will spare stories but I firmly believe that if he had been a normal parent my brother wouldn’t have went away for three years. Fatherlessness is strongly correlated with criminality and social pathologies, and it’s obvious why I’ve pointed this out to people for years.
I knew he was negligent but I didn’t know the extent of his negligence until I got a house and my first kid.
I don’t like doing the TMI thing but this seems like a trustworthy thread.
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Being a parent gave me so much empathy for my own.
One day, out of the blue, I sent them both an e-mail and thanked them for being awesome parents, because I knew it was something I would l have wanted to hear from my own kid someday and didn’t want it to be left unsaid.
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“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.” - Mark Twain.
That’s a truth, for sure.
Also/related, I had a birthday a few weeks ago and realized that, next year, I’ll be the same age my dad was when he died. That’s a pretty weird feeling and definitely brought up some reflection on what/where/how/who I am and he was. Anyone else been through that?
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I’m lucky in that I always understood my dad. He has a shocking childhood and then went to the army. And things got worse. His behaviour was poor as a result. But I understood why he did the practical things he did. Like the working, the constant bad mood and worrying about money.
I will say this. He was a raging alcoholic. And in 2012 just after my son was born he called drunk and angry. I told him to stay away from me and my kids. It was too hard to be around him. I had my kid in hospital, my mum died 5 weeks ago and my father in law 8 weeks ago.
He died less than 3 months ago. And even though I’d had another kid, and he had been in the room with them both, he did as I asked. And never let them know who he was. He never made contact. It must have hurt so much.
It is in this way I know he did love me / my family. Love is sacrifice / suffering.
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For you dads out there, do you yell at your kids? My dad typically expresses himself through yelling when I have made a mistake. Now that I’m older that never really happens cause I learned from mistakes. Perhaps this question is weird because maybe in some situations you do have to yell, for example if you’re teaching your kid how to drive.
Yup.
Because I don’t hit them.
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My dad never yelled or hit us.
Mum “made up” for it though
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This.
If I raise my voice to them, 95% of the time it’s tactical and done deliberately. I’m working on making that 100%
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This. And when I have shouted because I’ve been angry I’ve apologised. In fact this week I’ve done that. My son square hit me in the face and got a finger in the eye. In anger I told him to “fuck of you idiot”. Btw I can’t over state how far into my eye his finger went. It took me 20 mins before I could see straight again.
Not a proud dad moment. I felt the guilt wash over me as soon as I’d stopped panicking.
But I took some time to explain to him that in a flash of anger people can lash out. And while it’s not right it’s human.
He gets that.
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My dad never did anything with us as kids, but he had to work long hours and travel, so that’s to be expected I guess. He was strict and liked to scold and belittle. When I was 14 he spoke admirably about his bachelor coworker because he could “do whatever he wanted.” He was pretty miserable when I was young and a teenager, but has mellowed out since he retired. My mom didn’t pull her weight as a SAHM, and they had twins when they only wanted two kids total, so I think that contributed to his resentment. He was a great financial provider, though.
Seeing how miserable my dad was growing up made me never want to have any of my own, and I still haven’t changed my mind.
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I’ve definitely sworn when my kids hurt me. Swearing is my default reaction to unexpected pain.
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I don’t really yell unless they are doing something that could cause them serious harm and it needs to stop ASAP. I am bipolar and before I was medicated and stable I had a problem with calling people names (whether my wife or my kids). Like I called my 9-year-old daughter a douche bag one time when we were arguing over Shakira’s name. Those times made me feel awful and I know my apologies didn’t come close to fixing the hurt. I have done a lot of therapy, I’m 100% med compliant, and I keep a regular sleep schedule to make sure those things don’t happen anymore.
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Only when I’m really angry, and I always make a point to have a follow-up conversation very soon afterwards when everyone is calm. This is how I teach him not to brood and become entrenched in bad feelings, but to own whatever behavior you regret, forgive the other person and keep the bridge nice and strong with the people you love.
I’m a much bigger fan of calmly and firmly imposing meaningful consequences for bad behavior. This will vary by kid, but I basically had two magic buttons I could press.
First was imposing hockey consequences, as hockey was the most important thing to him in his childhood. He brought home one bad progress report over the years and I made him sit out two games for it. And by “sit out” it still means getting up at 5 am, going to the game and sitting on the end of the bench in your helmet and street clothes after explaining to the coach why you aren’t playing today.
It was so brutal for him to go through that we never actually had to suspend him from the ice again. The threat, now established as credible, was enough to snap him back into line over most things. That’s part of why it is important to have your kid in an activity that they enjoy, care about and work hard at.
The other main consequence tool in my toolbox was electronic device confiscation and wifi password changing. This is particularly cruel to high schoolers, and sends a strong message that you mean business.
Being the sadistic and thorough parent that I am, I even tracked down our neighbors with unsecured wifi’s and let them know that area teenagers might be stealing their bandwidth. After tying up those loose ends he never had enough 3G/4G data to satiate his appetite for glowing rectangle activities. Not for long anyway, and the wifi password can stay changed forever, young man.
Oh, the horror.
He just turned 21, so my days of imposing consequences on him are more or less done. At least it has been smooth sailing so far with his adventures in going to bars. I’m kinda proud that he likes going to the bar where I bounced part-time, even though I’d prefer he not go to bars at all. It is, after all, a fun place to gather.
At least everyone knows he’s my kid and his friends are all solid, so hopefully I won’t need to come out of bouncing retirement to straighten out any situations.
Even though I kinda miss that job…
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We call taking away the electronics “going Amish”. They HATE it. The most extreme thing I ever did was take a bedroom door off the hinges for 3 weeks. They hated that more than being Amish.
Edit: We have several old flip phones that are provided when the kids are Amish, just for arranging rides and such.
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I never thought about removing the entire door. That’s a good one.
Plain old groundings took place a few times in the pre-hockey years, and they still work if you only leave them books. Don’t forget to let the grandparents know about the situation.
My kid succeeded in a very clever jailbreak when he was 8 or so. He whipped up some tears, called his grandpa up and said he was alone and scared, please come get him. Grandpa of course sprung right into action to come pick him up. He jumped out of his bedroom window, met his grandpa at the end of the driveway and began enjoying his hard-won freedom…
Which lasted about 40 minutes before he was taken back into custody, with mildly harsher sentencing due to misconduct.
Damn… my dad/mum NEVER punished my little bro or I like that
Dad just never disciplined little bro or I
Mum would go ballistic, hit us with a clothes hanger or scream, then act as if nothing happened a day to a week later.
Dafuq???
I got yelled at once BECAUSE I was spending so much time reading
I was the same as a kid. Reading books is something I’ve always enjoyed. Oh no, I’m grounded AGAIN???
Kids are all different. Grounding with him was my targeted torture in the 5-8 year range before we got him into serious hockey. He read, but not a lot, so I was happy if he passed the time by reading more.
The consequence part of it was so he couldn’t do what he most liked to do, which was playing with friends, rollerblading and practicing his stick handling and shooting in the driveway or basement. No TV or video games, either, which he’s never really been that into anyway.
In other words, I think a parent should be mindful about imposing consequences that actually matter to the kid. It needs to sting.
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