Not really. I’ll raise my voice a little sometimes, or dad voice (a little deeper and a little louder) but I’ve been very fortunate. My kid is like extraordinarily kind and well behaved.
I use a similar strategy as @twojarslave described, judiciously and only when necessary, and also reward good behavior.
My wife is a master of reward schedules and whiteboard economics. She was in operations management for quite a while and was excellent at improving performance through a progressive reward schedule, which has like 100% carryover to parenting.
We both consider our kiddo basically an unbroken version of our selves. She was treated extremely harshly and brutally by her step father, so we’re both coming from similar perspectives on looking at what was done to know what not to do.
I was yelled at/sworn at occasionally. Still sworn at occasionally, but I’m very docile and reasonable thus there is no reason to yell at me
If you yell at me I’ll just stand there like a wooden statue and give you a dead eyed, robotic expression that somehow appears to further infuriate people. Including my parents when they did tell at me, however it became apparent yelling wasn’t a tactic that was very effective on me, as I didn’t talk back and getting yelled or even threatened with violence (parents don’t do this, but I do unfortunately sometimes receive threats sometimes in other environments) doesn’t particularly phase me
I tend to find it’s best to just let people yell, as when they’re worked up to the point of yelling logic flies out the window and they are more prone to making rash, impulsive and emotionally charged decisions they otherwise wouldn’t make.
This is huge. It’s harder than it sounds though, because you can’t force it. It has to be on their terms, when they want to talk. But the only way to do that is to be there even when they don’t want to talk to you, just in case.
I try to do this at night with my girls. I’ll just lay on their bed while they get ready or afterwards, and they’ll ask me questions, or tell me things, and we’ll just talk. This is the good stuff.
I havent read through this but the title is relevant to my interests. Im a single father of two, one daughter (teen) and son (tween/teen).
My son lives with me 100% and is easy AF to deal with, he wants nothing to do with his mother (physical abuse/neglect issues in the past) in fact he swears at her whenever she stalks him outside his school or around the area when he’s out riding his bike or whatever, I think he should have a relationship with her but I cant force him given the history. Within our home hes a gem, I never have to ask him to do his chores as in ever he gets things done with a smile. He just wants his pocket money on time and free time with his buddys to play down at the creek on their BMXs - that and being fed is all he cares about - if there’s nothing on the stove hell fry up some eggs wash up after himself and never complain about anything.
My daughter is a massive pain, when she’s good she really good but the sudden mood swings, doing her mother’s biddings (trying to coerce her lil bro to moving back with his mother), blatant lies that when she gets caught out she just shrugs it off IE not even embarrassed. I love her to death, she can be the sweetest thing but my god shes complicated. I grew up in a male dominated home myself (no sisters and a strong ass mother) so im not sure how to deal with her.
If anyone could give me any advice id appreciate it, namely any males who have been raised by a single dad- what worked and didnt for you from your point of view when you were a teen and any females who lived in a shared custody situation - im okay with her taking her mothers side IDGAF really but I just want to keep communication open since my females friends (very few) have said as long as I do that she will come around by her late teens/early 20’s, so ladies any advice would be great.
Hi! I’m so sorry to hear what you and your family are going through
Just to preface, I am not a dad or an expert like @EmilyQ , but I’ve had some experience with what you’ve described.
Is she close to her mum?
Do you know what kind of communication goes on between them? THere’s a chance that her mum might be feeding her a very one sided view of things and might even be supplying outright lies.
My mum and dad both did this with me.
You seem to have an extremely high opinion of your son, and from what you’ve described, he 1000% deserves it.
However, it could be possible that your daughter does not feel as loved/welcome → acts out more.
My parents have always favoured me over my little bro. They’d openly praise me and seemed to focus on what he did wrong. Even when he does just as good or better than me, they didn’t seem to recognize him. In their eyes, he was often “a massive pain”. One day, he got fed up and finally explained how he felt to them and they were shocked.
I do not know your family’s situation, but if this is true for your daughter, Her mum might even be taking advantage of this and not necessarily consciously either.
No need to be sorry, were doing just fine there are many out there more deserving of your empathy but thanks all the same. I havent worked out how to multi quote and am responding while working so bear with me.
"Is she close to her mum?
Yes she is, her mother is quite toxic as in only lets her hang out with kids of her mother’s own ethnicity in what is a very multicultural part of Sydney, they are also members of a Christian cult of sorts so very controlling and my daughter is that much of a mummy’s girl that she fully understands the above as in she brought it up without anyone prompting her but still being accepted by her mother seems to be life and death for her. Her mother in turn is/was the same with her grandmother EG; grandma faked breast cancer, got $15K from me even though she lives in a country with free healthcare and when she made a massive slip and I exposed her the ex shrugged her shoulders and said “she must be lonely, this was her way of getting attention” . This was obviously before we split. In short I think they have a toxic relationship since she turns up at our door every few weeks wanting to “move back with you guys” then a day later there is furious texting between them and she says theyve made up and she wants to go back- at this point we just smile and say “sure seeya next time”
Well ill answer this in two steps, when we were all together my daughter got a lot more attention than our son. We were super dotting on her being the first born and by the time lil man came along we were over it lol so he’s always been the more quiet one, never really looks for acceptance from anyone just always quietly went on his way doing what little boys do and never really got much praise. In fact he didnt have any extra circular activities while more daughter got taken to dance, ballet, various sports, more time with friends while my son had to play by himself, he never seemed to care.
That wasnt just from us but the wider family since she was the first born of our generation if that makes sense? I think because of this she always struggled with making friends unless her hand was held or she was pushed into the cult’s circle of kids . My son on the other hand is a natural when it comes to making friends, I think because he is more humble and doesnt want to be the center of attention (his sister since she was a toddler couldnt “free play” around a lot of other kids cause suddenly it wasnt about her and the other random kids didnt give a sht about her - im taling at the pool or water parks etc)
Im still always there for her but the dynamic now is very different, my son used to be the butt of all her jokes which was water off a duck’s back but now when she comes over she tries re-adjusting the “pecking order” by putting him down in a joking way and looking to me for support but I always shut her down since he never does it to her nor even responds - this seems to get to her. Ive tried explaining to her that while I love them both equally and always will I dont like bullying and that I believe in returning loyalty so therefore im not going to put him down to gain acceptance from her.
Should I be approaching the last bit differently? a friend suggested that I simply ignore her when she does it but I genuinely dont like my lil guy getting shat on since I know he wont fire back so I shut her down. She’s 14 so maybe I need a softer approach?
Yeah it is, everything is so simple 99% of the time but when she turns up the place just gets turned on its head. Right now as we speak its just me and the little guy, he just made his own breaky then will disappear on his bike down the creek with his mates only to return with one of them for lunch and then off they go again.
That said Ill never give up on her, flesh and blood aye? thanks for lending an ear.
If someone could reliably tell you the answer to this they’d be making millions off of Their Copyrighted and Trademarked Parenting Guide.
I don’t have any experience with raising girls, but my son at age 14 was very inclined towards pushing every boundary he could with his mother and I. When caught and confronted about his misbehavior, his first impulse was to lie about it and see if we’d buy his tall tale. We never did, and we dealt with whatever the issue was in the full light of reality, much to his chagrin.
This is totally normal teenage stuff at age 14.
Every kid is different so I’m not inclined to tell you to do this or that. I can only warn against allowing your parent/child relationship to become unnecessarily adversarial and/or distant for no reason other than entrenchment on your part or dissatisfaction with your kid’s behavior.
You have years of being disappointed by your children ahead of you. You’ll never help them navigate life’s struggles if you’re the last person they want to see or speak to. That doesn’t mean you validate their bad decisions or let them slide without comment or consequence, but it does mean that it’s on you, the parent, to do the legwork to mend whatever bridges they burn in an emotional fit over the course of adolescence.
It’s even harder for kids these days now that we’re essentially in the business of raising cyborgs. Get to know your cyborg as well as you can, and pay attention to what they do with their glowing rectangle time. If you don’t set boundaries, they will set their own.
I find myself more and more like mum while my little bro is extremely like dad
The scarier thing is that little bro is now dating a physics major, which mum was
I just found out this thread. Me and my fiancee are finally living together full time and we have been discussing having children. Maybe not trying this year, but most likely next year. We still need to get married. We have some troubles such as her family not accepting me and her moms death an year ago, but we went trough a lot together and stuck together.
She will be an excellent mother. She is very easy to live with, very real and loving and excellent house wife, while getting PHD in land shaft architecture.
I am not perfect by my family has helped me to have my 100 sqm apartment, education, car and no loans. So we are going to survive as she says. We just need to be healthy and work to do just fine.
I just want to ask current dads what is the hardest? My biggest fears are financial. I think I will be a good dad as I have a very supporting family and was raised well. My parents are excellent. But I am not sure I will be as good as they were to me.
Seeing your kids hurt (either physically or emotionally) and not being able to soothe them is the hardest. Letting them fail when they need to is a close second for me. The financial stuff is what it is. I was downsized a few months after getting married and taking on 4 step-sons (along with my son). I was a wreck and felt worthless, but I think I would have felt the same way if I was just married with no kids.
I’ve seen a solid hand full of marriages go straight to hell when the woman was expected to forego any personal/professional aspirations and become a dutiful housewife & mother to guys who never bothered to check if they were all in agreement.
Hardest part IMO is that kids inherently know exactly what to do to push your buttons, and boy will they push them!
Kidding, kind of.
The hardest part for me is the weight of responsibility that lies in my shoulders. I am the sole provider for my wife and daughter, without me they would not have food to put on the table… this is a lot of pressure to be under - and there is no escaping it. You will not get sympathy for it and the only people who will understand are those doing the same as you.
I would do anything for my daughter so the pressure will always be worth it, likewise that pressure will always be there.
Hardest part is putting my passions and priorities backseat to my kids needs at every turn, even when it seems stupid/useless to do so.
I’ve always been very independent and prioritized the freedom to chase my passions as I saw fit. That all changed, and being hyper effecient with my time has become extremely important.
All kids are different. She’s 5. It’s all understandable. If she would be the youngest in the group, what is the harm in giving her some time to mature a bit?
If she really does like it so much, have you just sat her down and leveled with her? Told her that if she doesn’t start paying attention and such that she is going to have to do something else? I have 5 boys and at that age, three of them were complete spazzes.
I did this last night, but I didn’t put it in terms of “get serious or move on”… If the conversation I had with her last night didn’t do the trick, I think I will discuss it with her more like that.
