Very well put. Unfortunately the ex uses them as pawns. Travel is mostly us visiting with them being over in the summer. Im willing to compromise on holidays and such, so I find im more reasonable on that end.
To be fair, I never had that “perfect marriage” feeling even with the first marriage. And both of us were childless.
I’ve only ever went off of my mom because both my brother and I had her as our mom, but I have a different dad. When it came to my mom she showed nothing by way of who she favored more. We both caught butt whoopings, grounded, equal discipline and wisdom, etc. She knew how to approach us differently but effectively and so on.
Ive got a warped sense of both motherhood and fatherhood though.
But thanks for your input. My husband is what I call selective hyper empathetic. Not an empath, but whoever it is he bonds with he oozes with empathy and care. But he was the faithful one in an abusive marriage, so every time its call-the-kids day its like something sucks the color out of his eyes. I think he does the best he can with what he’s got though.
That’s wonderful to hear brother (Not the latter part). Unfortunately for me im not viewed as “stepmom”. Im more viewed as “that woman attached to dad”. And i dont know whats said at the moms house, but to keep the peace at our house its just been parallel everything with medical and school updates.
And its put massive strain on expectations. Surprisingly none of which come from my husband, but everyone else (both his and my parents) I myself dont like the term “step” anything, but I say “Ill do my best to help if you need it. Im not a threat. We’re on the same team.”
Im glad to hear you’re able to express those kinds of things evenly and equally across the board. I dont know if its an “ability” per say, but if it is i think its a very graceful one.
Based on the very little info I have to go off here, it sounds like your current partner does his best to be a father to his kids in a messy situation
It’s not everything, but that alone tells me that a child between you two would be loved. He had an opportunity to “start over” and leave his old life behind (to a degree) and it sounds like he chose not to do that and instead be involved and step up.
Sounds like his heart is in the right place and having a child is something he takes some amount of pride in. I can’t see why a child he actually lives with would get the cold shoulder
I think it’s more important, given your position, to be able to love your children and his children as if they were all your own.
I hope this does not give offense.
P.S id stay off reddit for advice at all costs.
Reason: have you ever interacted with an avid redditor? Then why would you ever want to be like one?
Oh no man, its okay. I wouldn’t call it offense, so much as ruffling feathers. Which I invite because I literally JUST got to a place where im not bouncing from insecurity to jealousy. And I’ll be as clear as honest as I can about that. Im VERY prone to it. But its much needed on my end. After “dropping my basket” about 3 years ago I really appreciate talking to others who give good viewpoints that go against the grain of my very warped emotions.
Right now? I dont know if i have an acceptable “love them as my own” viewpoint. The quotes are not sarcasm I promise lol. I dont think I’ll have that bubbly, first time mom, cozy, cuddly feeling with my husband’s kids as I would my own newborn child (just thinking future reference, bear with me if you can).
But given this past summer when they came I did have the first buddings of patience, effective communication, etc. And my husband and I have agreed I dont physically discipline, but I am the time-out kingpin lol. One is 6 one is 4.
But I think i also should expand on what I think love is. I stand firmly in the corner of love not being driven my emotions. Because theyre fleeting and change quick. I do think love is patience, kindness, slow to anger, slow to irritation, no favoritism, etc. That? Absolutely I can flex that muscle. But the feelings aspect? Can’t really say brother. At least not now, ya know?
But I do appreciate the reminder. The real life happenings of divorce and remarriage with children can and does have sharp teeth, and i consider my husband and I to be in the newlyweds stage still. Made a year and half, together since march 2023. So everything is still new and were both still learning eachother. And yes to the reddit question. I could FEEL the mental instability through the screen lol
This is a fine way to view love.
Its a choice to do what is best for someone else even if it goes against what is best for you - for the sole benefit of them.
As long as you can do what they need as a parent and be willing to sacrifice the same for them as you can your own, i see no problems.
. My first wife had a daughter when we met, and then my wife and I had a son. We divorced after my daughter was out of the house, and I got custody of our son. I remarried later to a woman who had four boys of her own, so there were 5 boys in the house total. I love all of my kids the same. I have more history with my biological son, just because we lived together the longest, but I love them all the same. There isn’t a thing I’d do for my biological son that I wouldn’t do for any of them.
I don’t think this is accurate. A) One man, the husband. My work caseload has seen an uptick in men - at the moment I’d say I’m at 40% male. I don’t mother them, and don’t get the impression that they see me that way. I don’t think this is my go-to, even with my sons at this point. WIth the husband I actively resist that dynamic as it isn’t sexy to me. B) What I reported here was an effort to sidestep resentment by having another adult come in (the cleaner) to hopefully restore balance. Because I’m unwilling to have it become the mom thing. The marriage would eventually collapse. I think your biases had you read my posts about it without seeing the compliments - that he immediately said “yes! get someone! weekly!” (I’m doing every other week.) My sense is that he flatly doesn’t care if there is jelly on the table or dog food in the sink. As I do care, and worse, view his behavior as indicating a lack of respect for me, a solution is needed. I acknowledge that it may not be disrespect, but over time the damage is done regardless.
Why I posted about it is that there seems a great deal of bewilderment over women’s capriciousness in these threads, and there was the WGTOW article. I offer my internal experience as sort of a report from the trenches, as I’m also very open about my husband’s good points on the boards and I am not completely a stranger to all of you. This “cleaning up after another adult” issue is something that chips away at women. I hear it all the time, in real life. Marriages don’t end over it unless the issue goes deeper - the stoner guy who doesn’t do anything - but down the line it plays into “why would I want a man?”
And of course young women now have moms who’ve gone their own way and are happier as a result. They’ve watched it all play out and are now making decisions about their own lives.
I love my two sons equally … but my tolerance and patience is different for each of them. BUT my sons arent actually kids anymore so that has to be stated.
I want to come back to this, @Andrewgen_Receptors, because as I was getting ready for work it occurred to me that my solution is to lean into his role as a provider, which as I understand it is what these TN men/women threads suggest men want. He makes twice as much as I do, and as we married after kids were already big, I feel that financial disparity. So cutting back my hours seemed selfish. Disrespectful! I am trying to view that differently. As he gets to live in a clean house because I will rinse the sink 100 times a day, I will get to live in a clean house because he earns well.
living with a wife that has VASTLY different cleanliness standards than me your situation is kind of funny to read
I would never brush food onto the floor for her to sweep up if she mentioned I dirtied the counter, that strikes me as a step too capricious and manipulative.
But I’m sure she thinks I “leave stuff out” or leave places dirty, when the fact is my brain just doesn’t register it as dirty. Or at least not so dirty it simply must be cleaned NOW
As a single example, She sweeps EVERY day, I couldn’t tell you if there was a single dog hair on the floor before she starts sweeping but for her its unacceptably dirty. For me it’s nearly completely clean. I don’t see a dirty floor then choose to neglect it further, the thought of sweeping doesn’t even enter my mind to disregard.
Some people like to pile dishes and get to it later as one big project and some people like to do them as they go… neither is better or worse objectively, but if your preference is the latter living with someone who does the former can be torture apparently
I have come to start asking my wife some variation of “is that something you want me to do right now or can it wait a little?” Because she will ask me to do some menial, non time sensitive task (take out the trash let’s say… can be done now or 3 hours from now and it doesn’t matter) , which I will happily do… but if it isn’t done in 3.5 minutes she does it and then “I didn’t do it”
She is fairly high anxiety and sensitivity and I’m dead inside though when it comes to that kind of stuff, so I do try and account for that. When she sees the shoes behind the couch in disarray her brain simply cannot stand for it… I don’t even notice it.
It is funny stuff. Before I left this morning I called the husband into the kitchen to talk before I left because he was in charge of greeting the cleaner, whom we’ve never met, when she arrived at 11. He gets all “FRONT AND CENTER HERE FOR THE TALK” and then calls the dog in to listen to the important talk, and all I could come up with was “don’t crazy-tip her, we’ll do that at Christmas.” I get back “AYE AYE SIR NO TIPPING TILL CHRISTMAS! LOUIE, MARK THAT DOWN.” He’s funny and lovable. I’m here to present the view from the woman-o-sphere, not bitch that I’ve got a bad guy.
He once said: “Explain something to me: why, when it’s my stuff, is it clutter, but when it’s your stuff, it’s just stuff?” Which was a fair point, and one I make to women in therapy who seem to be in good marriages, but which have this element.
I didn’t view it that way - more the lack of registering what’s happening for me in that moment.
Leaving a sinkfull of dishes to “get to later” is NEVER the superior choice.
Sinks have a purpose. They serve as a drain, and we can run water through them. I expect my sink to be ready for that purpose when the time comes to use it.
Arriving at a sink that is obstructed at my time of need is an incredibly frustrating experience. I have a bowl of boiling pasta, and I’m about to pour the water down the drain, but oh wait: it’s full of dishes. Or, god forbid, I get violently ill in the middle of cooking and need to vomit, I go to my sink, and have now just puked on top of a bunch of our dishes.
I see it like leaving all the tools strewn about the jobsite, rather than putting them back in the toolbox. When it’s time to act, I don’t want to have a fun puzzle to put together first before I can actually act: I need to be able to act.
