The Dating Thread

Off Topic
770

Are we referring to the ability to hold down a long term relationship?

I implied this when I mentioned impulsively. An impulsive individual is more likely to stray.

It should be mentioned in the data I’VE read it isn’t exactly a linear relationship. There is little correlation re outcomes if an individual has had a select few partners, however when we start getting into promiscuous territory from an epidemiological perspective the rate of divorce sky-rockets.

Though there are many studies I can pick from that eventuate with different conclusions. I’d have to look at a meta analysis to see which conclusion is the most common.

I think cultural background coupled with individualistic personality traits influences outcomes quite dramatically.

771

We’re at an impasse.

I go by real life first and foremost. Of the women I know who were obsessed with socializing, boys/men, and relationships since they had their first sexual or romantic thought, how many are divorced? Nearly all.

How old are you again? If I recall you are very young. You have a lot of time for further life experience and observation.

772

I’m 147

I can understand the basis for an appeal to authority associated with the variable of age, although I don’t like it as I find it condescending.

To a degree you are correct, however I have a rebuttal. Epidemiological data doesn’t discriminate on the basis of the readers age.

I’m in my early 20’s, but I’ve been around the world (independently and with family) more than once, I’ve lived in many diverse environments for prolonged periods of time during which I have personally been exposed to numerous familial dynamics, some of which were very troubling.

I’ve been given the opportunity to observe sociocultural dynamics interwoven within many different societies. I think this is relevant and worth mentioning.

Single parent households (or households with neglectful parents) tend to eventuate negative outcomes on a more consistent basis. There are caveats to this, you arent guaranteed to have a child free of troubles under any paradigm, but you can mitigate risk factors.

My anecdotes couples with epidemiological analysis forms the basis of a solid conclusion.

I have yet to come to a firm consensus on the DIRECT linear correlation between marital outcomes and the number of sexual partners one has had.

I think those who have had zero partners prior to getting married have been raised in a manner that is distinctly separate to the manner most modern individuals are raised.

The cohort who get married as virgin’s are far more likely to have extremely religious parents, and chances are attempting to divorce would mediate shame and ostracism from their extended community. I’ve seen this within SOME religious communities, and many a times those trapped within unhappy marriages are unable to speak out… particularly the women, and this is likely why we’ve seen such a sharp, opposing swing in the pendulum regarding family court.

Either that or… virgin’s who get married actually do have happier marriages, happier lives and happier families

At this point in time I’m sceptical of the conclusion “it’s the sex!”. I THINK it has to do more with culture

Out of curiosity… what should adolescent girls be thinking about or doing? Education is important, as is work experience (for both men and women)… but socialising, friendships and when the time comes, dating are also important aspects of growing up.

773

I was not speaking with appeal to authority at all and I don’t do that silly “listen whippersnapper” or “you’ll see” talk!

I’m also aware of your diverse experiences.

774

“Get off my lawn”

“Damn kids and their skateboards!”

775

This is well understood and implied and I’m surprised you can’t picture the sort of socializing and I obsession I speak of, which I’ve gone over numerous times.

776

I think I can understand what you’re getting at, apologies. I tend to be a bit black and white at somes (I hAvE aUtIsM) @BrickHead

But I don’t commonly see this.

The social media generation of teens tends to be fairly self infatuated as narcissistic behaviour is at times condoned or encouraged.

Many young men and women alike appear to be self obsessed, but I don’t frequently observe young women prioritising “going out” or “meeting boyz” over finishing school, going to college and other personal accomplishments.

There is more focus on self accomplishment than there is on having a good old party, meeting friends at the mall or finding a boyfriend.

Out of all the women I’ve met I know perhaps a handful who are boy crazy in the matter you speak of, and this tends to stem from serious underlying psychiatric disorders and/or atrocious home lives.

And of those that prioritise going out and having a good time over… reality… this either stems from immaturity or a desire to escape. The former hopefully gets back on track quickly and the latter requires intervention because they’re (typically) depressed.

777

sex is very taboo in many places.

Even in my family which is much less conservative than the average chinese family, it was “don’t ask- don’t tell”.

Mum did have a bit of a “oh shit, I fucked up” moment when she found out how I felt about sex and children.

778

Not to offend… but if I was a parent I’d probably have a similar reaction if my adolescent/young adult told me

“I never want to have kids and sex? That’s icky!”

I’d worry about my child’s future, how they’d be compatible with a partner and whether or not they would be able to find happiness without a lifelong partner.

779

Yeah, well I did all through the 90’s latchkey generation. And I’ve already gone through the abuses and poor outcomes that resulted.

780

The boy-crazy days are done, and I’ve covered this also and why.

781

Generation X had plenty of negative outcomes

There is more of an emphasis on isolation with Gen Z a d alpha due to the advent of social media, video games and the pandemic. Or rather, the construct surrounding socialisation differs.

You’ll likely find these dynamics don’t promote promiscuity, partying etc quite as much… but at least teenagers of your generation would meet to hang out outside… as opposed to sitting behind a screen to talk through a headset while playing call of duty. Playing call of duty or battlefield behind a headset actually constitutes as a “hangout” nowadays…

I used to like video games, but now I find them boring.

Or with the pandemic… sitting and talking through zoom. Isolation is an issue with my generation at this particular point in time.

If you look at epidemiological analysis, you’ll find 90’s kids drank, smoked and used drugs more often relative to Gen Z. The types of drugs used differ, but more/less it appears your generation might have been worse than my generation.

782

A lot of moms become more “encouraging” when they start thinking about grandbabies.

Like “Yeah! Get out there and fire up the babymaker!” After years of dire warnings and derision.
:rofl:

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783

As specified… when I did see this, it was typically within those who had pathological personalities or came from broken homes.

It was very irritating to watch these people systematically make the same mistakes again… and again… and again

Constantly throwing themselves at terrible men bearing the same patterns of obvious red flags.

“I slept with him! Do you think he loves me?”

Me

“You’ve known him… for three days… dammit…”

784

Not sure how I ended up here, but I am.

I can’t say I’ve known a partners body count since I was 20 yrs old. At some point it just never even registered with me. I’ve been married for over a decade now and my wife have never talked about body counts or past relationships, aside from things that we experienced that we didn’t like. Related to sex, it’s things we like/limits here and now, not from that fling at 3am after boozing at Cool Beans for 8hrs.

Not that I would ever recommend this, but my marriage was a pretty unique situation that might/might not provide some different perspectives.

Pre reqs: not to say my wife and I have a perfect marriage, but it’s pretty fuckin’ fierce.

My wife is a foreigner (non native English), I’m poor white trash from no where Mississippi.

We met and dated for a month with no physical contact. Hell, she barely spoke English. We would get drunk as piss and decode each other’s culture, morals, & ethics. One night, piss drunk on moonshine, my wife said, “you’re either going to take this relationship serious or I’m out of here.” Blame it on the booze, but I said “then let’s get married.” 3 months later we did. Now we have kids, married 11 years, enjoy each other’s company, and genuinely enjoy marriage.

Point is, you can communicate your way through and out if difficult situations if you share common headspace, intellect, goals, and morality.

We both value and emphasize private education, she wanted to be a stay at home mom (even though she is much more educated than I am) and I don’t mind that (I was raised in that kind of household), and we both believe in self sacrifice/compromise for the greater good - within reason. Contrary to most southern households, my wife definitely runs the house. She kicks my ass once a week whether I need it or not, and I prefer it that way. There’s never any question or debate over who is putting in more effort - we share it. It took 4 years, but once it clicked, it clicked.

Culturally, there were a lot of compromises that we each had to learn. And we’re still learning. And that’s honestly more fun than any sort of struggle. Personally, i need constant mental stimulation - hence why I’m self employed. Learning a culture is a lifetime experience, especially an east Asian culture, and why this is such a satisfying part of our marriage.

For me, and this is coming from a wild ass redneck that lived one hell of a wild ass life through college, marriage was purely a mental decision to tackle adulthood as a team, and finding a person I felt was an adequate team mate to handle such a task. Maybe it’s my past in sports, but marriage is very much a team sport to me. Two operating as one is a fucking unit.

And my wife has a nice ass and im on it like white on rice.

Tl;Dr marrying a stranger was/is a shitload of never ending fun

3 Likes
785

High school
Mum: don’t get a boyfriend, it’s distracting. Look so your friend, her grades went down and they broke up

After graduating
Mum: you know it’s fine to make friends with lots. Your dad and I were college sweethearts. Have fun, party a bit

Last week
Mum: I went to a psychic. He said you’d get a bf soon

1 Like
786

This coming break:

“The Steinberg boy is coming over. He goes to Harvard. There’s some rum out by the pool and lube on the nightstand, you know, just in case.”.

:rofl:

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787

So… you lucked out. Awesome story though, congratulations :slight_smile:

I don’t think getting drunkenly married almost on a whims notice is advice most should follow.

788

They were mostly not impulsive women, unless high or drunk. In fact, they were well aware of what they were doing in their social lives. They also weren’t stupid.

I’m pretty much done here. I shared my take on it all. Some have been thankful for what I’ve had to say and some liked opposing views. If you or some others cannot absorb some of what I’ve had to say and personally observe and experienced as well as some serious authors and researchers I don’t think I should continue.
Examples: “I don’t believe that.” “It’s something else.” “I cannot be convinced.” “That’s not why.”

No one has to consider my information (which is not all mine) or observations in their own lives nor have I tried to convince people on anything. They’re free to do what they want and I’m not perfect nor am I a “relationship expert” (there is none anyway). However when one does not absorb what I say or disbelieves everything I say, there is no reason to go further.

I’m saying this politely.

789

I can find “serious authors and researchers” who come to differing conclusions

With that being said

I don’t disbelieve EVERYTHING you’ve said. I’m not sure if I’ve specified my exact take on dating here.

It goes like this… the current “dating game” where people go from one partner, to the next, to the next, to the next… is somewhat irritating as it lacks nuance.

‘Dating’ the way young people go about it serves to provide companionship and sex. Marriage is about starting a life with a long term partner, having children and settling down… and companionship, love and sex.
Dating for the former is akin to puppy love and represents a very different set of rules and parameters relative to dating for marriage. Hence sometimes you see very young couples dating endlessly for 2-3-4-5+ years without tying the knot and you see others dating for 2 years, then getting engaged, then getting married.

Couple number one might have been sixteen when they started dating, they aren’t serious… they’re just “playing around”. One day they will break up and perhaps they never speak again… it was about companionship, sex and to a degree, love… but the degree of emotional intimacy and connection true long term partners who live together might have is lacking. Couple two met in their early thirties, they went into the relationship with the dynamic of settling down, getting married and starting a life with a lifelong partner in mind. They got married quickly because that’s what they wanted. It took two years to figure out they loved one another, perhaps they trialled living together before getting engaged… it worked…

In practicality, it would make sense to go about dating with marriage in mind from the get go after say… early twenties as the former construct only results in broken hearts and lost productivity. If you’re losing credits in college (but still passing), missing out on SOME opportunities because you’re with someone who you will spend the rest of (or most of) your life with, this makes sense; you’ll probably have kids with this person one day.

If you’re fucking up the grades on your college exams to spend time with a girl you’ll be sleeping with for the next three months before moving on? That seems… dumb… but there’s a caveat here.

With modern societal constructs put into place, it isn’t exactly feasible for someone in their early-mid twenties to get married when they have to worry about college, rent, work, paying for gas, college tuition and personal amenities etc. To have to say… raise children at the same time isn’t feasible

A child costs at least 10 grand per year, that on top of having to likely relocate to afford a place suitable to raise a family (that a young man in Australia already can’t afford to begin with) is a recipie towards crusbing debt.

As it is NOT feasible for people in a country like Australia to get married and settle down in their mid twenties due to the absurdly high cost of living you’ve gotta abide by the rules of the “dating game” if you want to have sex. The alternative represents an expectation I don’t think is fair to impose upon people, that is they refrain from sexual relations entirely until they can afford to get married… that or one night stands; but most don’t want one night stands… they want companionship as well as sex.

I’d also like to point out not everyone wants to get married. But for those who do (and I believe many do) they should be able to settle down when they meet a nice woman (or man… or manwoman or womanman… or gender neutral sponge). For those who don’t want to get married… great, go be with other women who also don’t want to get married

I say mid twenties as early-mid twenties represents the point in time wherein someone is grown up enough (in terms of neurological development) to make a decision of this calibre. At this point in time, chances are the individual isn’t going to undergo a massive change in character.

To note… dating for marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you end up with that individual, nor does it necessitate you marry as a virgin even if you’ve been dating with marriage in mind from the get go.

Dating for marriage is more productive though. It leads to less heartbreak, less time spent lollygaggling around

In high school/college… play the dating game… afterwards? Settling down is a good idea if you can afford it. If you can afford it before then and wish to settle down by all means, go ahead provided you are early twenties or older.

But I don’t think most can afford to do so. A married couple should be able to afford to live away from mom and dad…

Also, remember that I am young and as such, my views are more open to changing as time goes by

So tldr: dating for marriage is a different paradigm relative to dating for companionship and sex. If you’re young, I don’t think you should be dating for marriage, however those who wish to do so should shoot for the stars as long as they have the means to realistically do so without ruining their lives. Dating for companionship and sex isn’t productive, but it may over the long term give you insight into what characteristics within an individual you like or don’t like, red flags to look out for etc… but it can and does result in a substantial degree of lost productivity.