I think @BrickHead has spoken against promiscuity for young men too
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I’m not talking about promiscuity. I’m talking about girlfriends. Most young men and women appear to have a couple/few “ex girlfriends” or “ex boyfriends”. People they’ve dated (and had sex with) for a period of typically 3-6 months or so. Some might have also had a couple of one night stands
Though in my case (aside from the time at 15) all of my encounters have been casual in nature. And there haven’t been many… literally three
Not a fan of random hookups at all. I want a partner at this point in time, not a girl to hookup with.
The types that rack up absurd body counts tend to be narcissistic, manipulative subtypes that have no issues with the concept of using others for their own personal desires. You’ll find men (or women) that have slept with hundreds of people, typically very charming (superficially) and alluring… but they tend to be awful people… if not, then they’re typically impulsive, troubled individuals who aren’t worth the trouble entailed with befriending them.
I’m sure there are exceptions to these rules, I’m just going by observation + others observations.
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ahh yes. I’m not sure if it’s realistic for young ppl to find a partner on the “first try”
The “inb4’s” are just tongue-in-cheek disclaimers for posters I’m unfamiliar with. They’re not that serious. I’ll be back later.
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Inb4 someone tells me Belgian kfc is good… because it isn’t… dammit!
Oh yeah, heard Esther Perel talk about how people are sure to be disappointed wants their partner to be what an entire community would provide. They want their partner to be:
• their best friend
• their passionate lover
• their intellectual equal
• their co-parent
• someone that make them feel wonderful
• and cared for
• and smart
• and beautiful
• and on and on and on…
Good luck finding love.
I’d agree… Someone I really like but doesn’t want to have sex with is a friend, and I’d see no point in dating them. Sorry but the first point of dating is intimacy/reproduction
Yeah. Of course almost every woman want the top 10% of men… ambitious, successful, confident, tall and handsome… But these guys can have all the women that they want. And they usually want them for sex and that’s it…
I think you guys underestimate both men and women. Who are these heartless, single-minded profit-seekers?
I think women, depending on their own qualities and confidence, want the top 10% or men…or the top 20%…or maybe they’re happy to settle for the top 30%…40%…50%. But of course some of this is “beauty in the eye of the beholder.”
We all have qualities that stand out (looks, intellect, fitness) and qualities that lower self-perceived and often other-perceived value (overweight, uneducated, lack of drive), and most people trade on these. @anna_5588 wants intellect and specific drive, @aldebaran wants athleticism. Personally, I was shopping for temperament, financial stability, and fitness. In order to gain these qualities, most of us are willing to sacrifice less important qualities, or (more likely) gain them in proportion to our own. So I think my husband and I are well-matched in the main areas that are important to us, probably coming in at the 75th - 90th %ile for various traits.
If you have a nice hand of high-value qualities, you can certainly shop for an abundance of a single quality, e.g. looks + financial success can score an exceptionally beautiful partner, or the reverse - exceptional looks can score financial bounty. But who are these people? Shallow users. Who wants them? Only each other. Kim Kardashian can HAVE Kanye; they deserve one another. Paris Hilton has been trading on her looks for decades now. Is she happy? Maybe! Would I want someone like her, even as a friend? No. Not from what I can tell.
Most people are earnest in their pursuit of someone they can adore for all the right reasons from what I’ve observed.
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Indeed, indeed… and that is the right way. The wrong way is not doing any work and still expecting more.
But what do I know in the end, I don’t even know what I want ahahah.
It feels like I have become what I criticize. Maybe it’s because the years, experiences, and loneliness have hardened me, but I feel like if I’m not drooling like Tex Avery’s wolf, I don’t even care. And even then, it’s not even true.
I feel like if a person doesn’t fit the criterias I want, it’s a no-go, and I’m preventing myself from forming a bond with really good people.
But it’s not even a logical no-go you know, it’s like then my brain stops feeling things then ahah, and I already don’t feel much often
Do you actually have any practical criteria (not athleticism and looks, which is fine too, but they’re nothing pragmatic) for a woman to be a wife and mother?
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Practical…
I’d say to have a career/hobbies for her to pour her energy and develop creativity, drive, purpose and a sense of work and sacrifices.
Hence why I like athletic girls: not only are they more pleasing on the eye, but it usually means that some of those qualities are present.
Also, not close minded, curious. Thse are necessary bounds for raising a kid.
Then being somewhat caring and kind.
But you know, when you see someone, you don’t know their personality ahah hence why I chase looks first, then we’ll see about the personality. Also, I guess I’m lucky, bad people don’t really gravitate around me.
But I think it’s probably not a good way of going around.
When i first saw my ex, years ago, I thought “I’d never have a girl this beautiful”. Then, SHE came on to me, and even though it was great, there were some part of her that I didn’t like.
It’s a bit of the same now ahah. There’s a girl I used to see at my old gym. And I was thinking “daaaaaamn”. And we’ve been talking for a few months, and she’s been pursuing me for a few weeks, we went on hikes, WODs, a brunch and tomorrow for beers. She has a great personality and I think we could be a great match. But I hesitate a lot. Perhaps my injury makes me a bit depressed so it doesn’t help, but it’s funny how I used to put her on a pedestal again. And now I’m really not sure because she has kid (co-parenting) and she’s 32, but I want kids of my own as well. But not right now, I’m really not financially or anything ready. Would she want more, later? I guess I’m being misoginistic or selfish or something but some parts of feel I’d rather have a younger girl, who would want to create her life and only have children with me…
Uh, no, you’re not. That’s actually thinking practical.
So when do you think you’re going to be ready? You don’t have to have kids immediately after marriage.
I don’t know, a couple years? I never thought about it. I prefer to think about my career first. I’d want my kids not to worry
Top 10% in what way? What single metric are you using to judge someone’s worth?
Edit:
I see you addressed these in literally the next paragraph of your post.
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@aldebaran I have two kids. When potentially interested women find out, a small portion of them are no longer interested and tell me so. When they tell me that i thank them for being honest and am genuinely glad they know what they do and don’t want. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a partner without kids.
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I think because of lifestyles, delayed marriage, and media (which includes loads of romantic gibberish and sexuality and pornographic imagery), men in an indefinite dating and serial-boyfriend mode lose sight of what a woman will have to do as mother, dealing with in-laws, paying bills, child raising, etc.
Here are some things responsible women do:
- Schlep kids all over the place: doctor’s visits, play dates, events, etc.
- Help kids with homework.
- Prepare and shop for food (with kids in tow).
- Be woken up all throughout the night to breastfeed.
- Clean the home (which will in a few hours be messy with food and toys thrown all over the place again).
- Decorate for parties and holidays.
- Educate, do arts and crafts, and play with the kids.
- Take care of elderly family members and deal with her own nagging mom who is concerned about the family too!
I can go on, and men partake in most of this too. However I think some men, maybe you, maybe not you, overlook this when they are driven primarily by looks and mention how interesting (hobbies, interests) they want a woman to be when there is really serious stuff to be taken care of!
A woman might get out of shape because of all this, lose her figure a bit, get freaking tired, and not be available to stroke some man’s ego and provide sex on demand at all stages of life.
I’ve met men, including a friend, who put looks, sex, and being interesting at the forefront, lose seemingly all sight of what actually goes on in a family. They’re likely going to be waiting a long time.
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Gee I would never consider a child with someone who would not want to do that… To me it’s just basic decency and humanity. Perhaps n°6 is not that interesting to me but you know how we european celebrate little things
That’s not it for me. I don’t need a woman to interest me. I have plenty of interests on my own. I just would want the same for her. It’s not my job to entertain her all the time, for I don’t have the time or the want. Maybe it’s because I’ve been single too long in my life?
Was talking with a couple this saturday, and they’ve been together for 13 years, since theyw ere 16. And she literally never thinks of something done without her partner. She doesn’t feeld good when she’s without him.
Come to that, I am very different. I have been raised by a single mom. And she’s been single for 20 years. Not a single man in her life. I’ve learned to be alone and never to rely on anyone for anything. I was the elder. Nobody to help me for homeworks or do things (my mother stopped school at 14, and I was a borderline autistic 150+ IQ kid)
Perhaps that’s my problem. All my life I’ve done stuff for other. It’s also a bit my job, helping others.
Perhaps some distorted part of me thinks a woman cannot do something for me, or enrich me.
I guess I have been alone for too long in my life, and also never shared a place with a girl. I’m used to do everything by myself so I guess some aspects of a couple completely elude me.
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Got it.
Keep in mind I don’t intend to come across as some all-knowing guy. I’ve had to seriously work on some things of my own too.
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I don’t. I’m all for sharing with other people, especially if they are more experienced and successful.
I have plenty of work to do as well
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That’s amazing.
I’m the opposite. I’ve always had a lot of help and have found myself to be reliant on others. Even my parents expect me to get help. When I mention a hard class, the first thing they ask is “do you know anyone who can help you?”
I don’t feel self sufficient.
Going on a slight tangent here, because I find this interesting, why don’t you feel self sufficient? What do you need from others and what would happen if you didn’t get it?
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