The Confessional

Off Topic
181

[quote]Nards wrote:

[quote]DBCooper wrote:

[quote]NikH wrote:
Wow you guys are crazee! Peeing on other people and shoving a dogs face on poo whatafak!

I hate lazy people.[/quote]

I hate lazy people? What kind of lame fucking confession is that? Who doesn’t hate lazy people?

Gee guys, I really have something to confess here. I’m not too crazy about pedophiles and, quite frankly, I tend to wipe my ass every time I take a shit.

Man, glad to finally get that off my chest.[/quote]

I think threads like this one frequently go off the rails when peole are unclear on the concept.
Heck, remember the thread “Stuff You Hate That Everyone Else Loves”? About 20 people wouldn’t understand that they shouldn’t say “People that text while driving” or shit like that as NO ONE actually loves people that do that.[/quote]
LOL. This reminds me of some chick’s Facebook page that I saw. She had a list of “pet peeves” among which were things like rape. Yeah rape is just one of my pet peeves. Whenever I get raped it’s just SO annoying. To me at least.

182

[quote]Nards wrote:

[quote]DBCooper wrote:

[quote]NikH wrote:
Wow you guys are crazee! Peeing on other people and shoving a dogs face on poo whatafak!

I hate lazy people.[/quote]

I hate lazy people? What kind of lame fucking confession is that? Who doesn’t hate lazy people?

Gee guys, I really have something to confess here. I’m not too crazy about pedophiles and, quite frankly, I tend to wipe my ass every time I take a shit.

Man, glad to finally get that off my chest.[/quote]

I think threads like this one frequently go off the rails when peole are unclear on the concept.
Heck, remember the thread “Stuff You Hate That Everyone Else Loves”? About 20 people wouldn’t understand that they shouldn’t say “People that text while driving” or shit like that as NO ONE actually loves people that do that.[/quote]

Tell me about it! This is supposed to be a confessional thread, as in, confess to something that you’re ashamed of or haven’t told anyone else or something like that.

Fuck it, here’s something else I just thought of. Back when I played baseball I used to dip all the time (fine cut Copenhagen). I had a neighbor who was only about 11 or 12 but he would see me dipping sometimes (I was about 18 at the time) and eventually he started pestering me for some dip since he thought it was cool. So I gave him a big fucking wad of it. What did I care? I figured he’d put it in his lip, get a massive buzz, maybe get queasy and then be done with it.

Except I didn’t tell him that dip just sits in your lip and doesn’t get chewed up like chew does. So he puts it in his mouth and starts fucking chewing on it! He puked all over the place! Good thing about that was that he never dipped again. I also gave the kid his first bong rip (actually, more like his first several bong rips) right around the same time. I felt like such a monster afterwards, but when I say afterwards I mean like several years afterwards. At the time I thought it was hysterical to watch this neighborhood kid who used to hang out at the local BMX dirt jumps reeling around stoned out of his gourd when he was still in grade school.

I used to steal beer out of his dad’s refrigerator all the time, too. His older brother was my age so we’d hang out sometimes and I used to always sneak a couple of beers out of the frig every time I’d go over.

183

When I was in high school I started in with the fucking cocaine. I just dabbled in it back then, not like later in life when I was going through a couple grams a day and selling it. But when I was in high school I used to sprinkle small amounts of it into blunts that I would roll before I linked up with my friends at parties on the weekends.

I used to roll these things up and then bust them out toward the end of the night when everyone was pretty fucked up already and they wouldn’t really notice that I had put QUITE a lot of cocaine in them. I had friends that were down with the occasional line or three of high-octane coke, but I would only pass these “special” blunts around when smoking with friends who looked down upon cocaine usage.

I also dosed a couple friends with LSD. They’d all done it a couple times before, but still, being overtaken by a strong, unexpected acid trip is quite an experience for the unwitting. At my high school, if you got caught skipping class you had to go to Saturday school, where you just sat in the cafeteria for about six hours and were forced to study or some shit like that. Talking was strictly prohibited.

So one Saturday me and couple friends had to go so we met up about an hour beforehand and got super baked. We also had a pint of Southern Comfort that we passed around. Except that I had managed to get my hands on some pure, liquid LSD and put about six drops of it into the SoCo. We finished the booze off and about 30 minutes into Saturday school we’re all sitting there trying not to get caught talking, lest we get busted for being stoned and kinda buzzed at school. So one of my buddies passes me a note saying that he’s starting to feel drunker than he had expected.

I slipped him back a note that said “You just ingested about two hits of LSD along with that booze. Buckle up for the ride, pal. It’s gonna be a loooooong trip! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

He took it better than I expected. He ended up trying to read a book and I stared at him for about 45 straight minutes and noticed that he never once turned any of the pages. He just stared at page one the whole fucking time.

184

I had a girlfriend who used to get pretty kinky when she’d had too much to drink. So one night I invited her over to my apartment for some drinks. She brought her smoking hot, married-at-way-too-young-of-an-age friend of hers whose husband was in Japan on business, where he’d apparently admitted to cheating on her once a couple of years prior.

The two of them were already pretty drunk since they had been taking shots of tequila at a bar down the street while they talked a bunch of shit about the married one’s husband. They get to my house and the conversation quickly turned to this married woman’s husband. It didn’t stay on that topic long, maybe just a couple minutes at the most, but long enough to plant some dark thoughts into my head.

So I snuck off to my liquor cabinet in the hallway and pulled out some 100 proof Smirnoff, poured it into an almost empty bottle of regular Smirnoff and headed back to the living room with the doctored bottle and the great idea to play some strip poker. They were both too drunk to notice me cheating the whole time and they were WAY too drunk to notice that they were drinking much stiffer drinks than they were expecting.

I was on the verge of a one-way ticket to oblivion myself at this point, but I was still coherent enough to remember that I coyly suggested that they start making out with each other. They promptly obliged, and before I knew it, I was banging both of them (with absolutely zero protection. Fucking awesome!) in my bedroom. I vaguely remember pulling my dick out of my girlfriend’s cunt and putting it into the married chick’s barely-concscious mouth and vice-versa. It was an amazing experience knowing that these two sluts were unaware of whose twats they were tasting on my engorged cock.

The next morning I woke up kinda early, and amazingly enough, engaged in 100% consensual sex with the married chick while my girlfriend was passed out next to us. Except that she wasn’t passed out, she was just lying there with her eyes closed pretending to be asleep and feeling decidedly less kinky than the night before. Me and the married chick passed out for another hour or so afterward and when I woke up my girlfriend was in tears and flipping the fuck out about what had happened the night before AND what had just gone on next to her earlier that morning.

I was so over her fucking bullshit regrets so I walked into the living room to smoke a bowl and lo and behold! Who is sitting on my living room couch crying to the point of near-hysteria while talking to her husband on the phone but the married chick! She, too, was feeling remorseful and apparently told her husband what had happened. I found later that I had left some unmistakable teeth marks on her tits and shoulder and since her husband would be home in less than 36 hours she felt that the jig was up and she would get out in front of the whole thing and just come clean before he got back into town. I kicked her the fuck out and was summarily dumped by my girlfriend less than a week later.

185

I banged my buddy’s 16 year-old sister when I was 19 once. Actually, I banged her several times. She was an aspiring model of some sort, so she was pretty fucking hot even at 16. My buddy never found out, but if he did, he would have raped me with a lit Molotov cocktail. And he was capable of it, too. He was a big, sloppy-looking Polak who stood about 6’3" and weighed at least 250. He also had a head that must have been made of solid fucking oak because I saw him take a steel-toed boot right in the orbital socket and then manage to pull himself off the ground and compose himself long enough to put the guy who kicked him in the hospital.

I had a buddy who used to live in one of these gated community type of places. Me and some friends used to sneak into the place at night and go swimming in the pool when he wasn’t around to invite us over. One night I had eaten about a quarter ounce of mushrooms and could barely control myself. Eventually, I had to take a massive, psilocybin-laced shit. So I ran up to his front porch and dropped a massive shit right on his welcome mat.

The worst part about it is that I didn’t have anything to wipe my ass with and this didn’t bother me one fucking bit.

186

When I was about 13 or 14 I was watching Major League with Charlie Sheen and got the idea to start doctoring the ball like that piece of shit old man, Harris, in the movie.

So for about half the season when I was playing Pony ball I would rub a bunch of soap into the leg of my pants on my throwing side and I would just rub it a little between pitches and then slyly apply it to the ball. I also put a shitload of pine tar on the inside of my mitt near the thumb and would rub the ball or my fingers with some of it. I figured out how to crudely sew a small piece of sandpaper onto an inconspicuous location on my mitt as well. Fuck, at one point I even convinced my catcher to file down part of his shinpad and put a small gouge in the ball with it from time to time. I’m not sure any of it really worked all that much, but I know one thing. I was practically unhittable for the rest of the year and I even did it when we went to the postseason and fell just short of the Pony League World Series.

When I was older I coached Pony baseball in the same league and I used to teach the pitchers to throw at the hitter’s head if they ever put the suicide squeeze on. That way, if the hitter squares around to bunt he has to pull the bat back to get the fuck out of the way. Since he can’t bunt, it leaves the runner high and dry. It worked twice. The first time, we actually pulled it off just as planned. The second time, the pitcher hit the hitter right in the fucking mouth and knocked out two of his teeth. Since that made it a dead ball, the runner on third had to go back to the bag and wasn’t allowed to advance.

One year, we had a catcher who couldn’t throw worth shit but he was the only on the team with any experience behind the plate. Our regular catcher broke his arm playing football at school during lunch. So I told the kid that every time a runner tried to steal a bag, especially third base, that he should just throw the ball right off the hitter’s fucking head since that would be batter’s interference and the steal attempt would be voided. It worked out alright, but for the first few games the kid was really nervous about purposely doming another player in the head with the ball from about a foot away. Right about the time he got the hang of it, a kid took off for third base and he hit the batter right in the goddamned nose with the ball. I ran out on the field to feign concern over the opponent’s face, but I really just wanted to pull the catcher aside and inconspicuously remind him not to say shit about what I had told him to anyone after this latest incident.

187

That baseball thing reminds me of a little accident I was involved when I used to play soccer. There was a bouncing ball headed into our own goal and I was right on the goal line and in position to kick the ball out of harm’s way and down the field. So I ran up to it and even though I could have just tapped the thing to a player standing wide open just a few yards beyond the goal before it bounced in, I decided to just boot the fucking thing down the field as far as I could and clear the ball the fuck out of there since our goalie was out of position.

So I wound up and kicked that motherfucking ball as hard as I possibly could. Except that at the last possible moment our dipshit goalie dove at the ball and I wound up hitting him squarely in the mouth with my foot. It was fucking bad. I knocked out two or three teeth and laid a bunch more flat against his tongue and the roof of his mouth. He was bawling for his fucking mom, which is a little bit of a bitch move when you’re 15 years old.

There were a couple of opponents right there who were kind of involved in the play so I played it off like one of them kicked him in the mouth and not me. One of them was actually trying to kick the ball into the net, but he kind of just stuck his foot and stabbed weakly at it, whereas I was completely coiled and absolutely unloaded on my teammate’s face. But I instantly began screaming and pointing at the other guy like it was his fault and he instantly denied it, which just got me even more wound up. No one near the play knew what the fuck happened so all of my teammates started jawing with the guy and threatening him and shit like that (I played on a team where everyone but me was a Mexican from the wrong side of the tracks, so these weren’t necessarily idle threats).

Later on, I found out that my coach knew it was me who knocked this kid’s face halfway down his throat, but he didn’t say anything about it because he thought it was fucking hysterical how I instantaneously started blaming the other guy. I never saw the guy who I kicked ever again. He came out of the game, obviously, went straight to the hospital and never came back to any practices or games for the rest of the season. And that was actually the first game of the year.

We went undefeated that year, probably because half the league was intimidated by a team with a player crazy enough to bash his own teammate’s face in.

188

[quote]DBCooper wrote:
When I was in high school I started in with the fucking cocaine. I just dabbled in it back then, not like later in life when I was going through a couple grams a day and selling it. But when I was in high school I used to sprinkle small amounts of it into blunts that I would roll before I linked up with my friends at parties on the weekends.

I used to roll these things up and then bust them out toward the end of the night when everyone was pretty fucked up already and they wouldn’t really notice that I had put QUITE a lot of cocaine in them. I had friends that were down with the occasional line or three of high-octane coke, but I would only pass these “special” blunts around when smoking with friends who looked down upon cocaine usage.

I also dosed a couple friends with LSD. They’d all done it a couple times before, but still, being overtaken by a strong, unexpected acid trip is quite an experience for the unwitting. At my high school, if you got caught skipping class you had to go to Saturday school, where you just sat in the cafeteria for about six hours and were forced to study or some shit like that. Talking was strictly prohibited.

So one Saturday me and couple friends had to go so we met up about an hour beforehand and got super baked. We also had a pint of Southern Comfort that we passed around. Except that I had managed to get my hands on some pure, liquid LSD and put about six drops of it into the SoCo. We finished the booze off and about 30 minutes into Saturday school we’re all sitting there trying not to get caught talking, lest we get busted for being stoned and kinda buzzed at school. So one of my buddies passes me a note saying that he’s starting to feel drunker than he had expected.

I slipped him back a note that said “You just ingested about two hits of LSD along with that booze. Buckle up for the ride, pal. It’s gonna be a loooooong trip! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

He took it better than I expected. He ended up trying to read a book and I stared at him for about 45 straight minutes and noticed that he never once turned any of the pages. He just stared at page one the whole fucking time.[/quote]

Wish I had a friend like you in high school. Even after reading all that crazy shit below.

189

[quote]DBCooper wrote:

[quote]Nards wrote:

[quote]DBCooper wrote:

[quote]NikH wrote:
Wow you guys are crazee! Peeing on other people and shoving a dogs face on poo whatafak!

I hate lazy people.[/quote]

I hate lazy people? What kind of lame fucking confession is that? Who doesn’t hate lazy people?

Gee guys, I really have something to confess here. I’m not too crazy about pedophiles and, quite frankly, I tend to wipe my ass every time I take a shit.

Man, glad to finally get that off my chest.[/quote]

I think threads like this one frequently go off the rails when peole are unclear on the concept.
Heck, remember the thread “Stuff You Hate That Everyone Else Loves”? About 20 people wouldn’t understand that they shouldn’t say “People that text while driving” or shit like that as NO ONE actually loves people that do that.[/quote]

Tell me about it! This is supposed to be a confessional thread, as in, confess to something that you’re ashamed of or haven’t told anyone else or something like that.

Fuck it, here’s something else I just thought of. Back when I played baseball I used to dip all the time (fine cut Copenhagen). I had a neighbor who was only about 11 or 12 but he would see me dipping sometimes (I was about 18 at the time) and eventually he started pestering me for some dip since he thought it was cool. So I gave him a big fucking wad of it. What did I care? I figured he’d put it in his lip, get a massive buzz, maybe get queasy and then be done with it.

Except I didn’t tell him that dip just sits in your lip and doesn’t get chewed up like chew does. So he puts it in his mouth and starts fucking chewing on it! He puked all over the place! Good thing about that was that he never dipped again. I also gave the kid his first bong rip (actually, more like his first several bong rips) right around the same time. I felt like such a monster afterwards, but when I say afterwards I mean like several years afterwards. At the time I thought it was hysterical to watch this neighborhood kid who used to hang out at the local BMX dirt jumps reeling around stoned out of his gourd when he was still in grade school.

I used to steal beer out of his dad’s refrigerator all the time, too. His older brother was my age so we’d hang out sometimes and I used to always sneak a couple of beers out of the frig every time I’d go over.[/quote]

What a boring, self-indulgent and pathetic story this was. The others are much better but this wasn’t your best work. Just thought you should know for next time.

190

[quote]kothreat wrote:

[quote]DBCooper wrote:
When I was in high school I started in with the fucking cocaine. I just dabbled in it back then, not like later in life when I was going through a couple grams a day and selling it. But when I was in high school I used to sprinkle small amounts of it into blunts that I would roll before I linked up with my friends at parties on the weekends.

I used to roll these things up and then bust them out toward the end of the night when everyone was pretty fucked up already and they wouldn’t really notice that I had put QUITE a lot of cocaine in them. I had friends that were down with the occasional line or three of high-octane coke, but I would only pass these “special” blunts around when smoking with friends who looked down upon cocaine usage.

I also dosed a couple friends with LSD. They’d all done it a couple times before, but still, being overtaken by a strong, unexpected acid trip is quite an experience for the unwitting. At my high school, if you got caught skipping class you had to go to Saturday school, where you just sat in the cafeteria for about six hours and were forced to study or some shit like that. Talking was strictly prohibited.

So one Saturday me and couple friends had to go so we met up about an hour beforehand and got super baked. We also had a pint of Southern Comfort that we passed around. Except that I had managed to get my hands on some pure, liquid LSD and put about six drops of it into the SoCo. We finished the booze off and about 30 minutes into Saturday school we’re all sitting there trying not to get caught talking, lest we get busted for being stoned and kinda buzzed at school. So one of my buddies passes me a note saying that he’s starting to feel drunker than he had expected.

I slipped him back a note that said “You just ingested about two hits of LSD along with that booze. Buckle up for the ride, pal. It’s gonna be a loooooong trip! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

He took it better than I expected. He ended up trying to read a book and I stared at him for about 45 straight minutes and noticed that he never once turned any of the pages. He just stared at page one the whole fucking time.[/quote]

Wish I had a friend like you in high school. Even after reading all that crazy shit below.
[/quote]

I was pretty rough on some of my friends in high school. I had a buddy my senior year who regularly went out of town on the weekends to go wakeboarding and/or waterskiing. He had a beat up 1968 GTX that he and his dad were trying to fix up and I knew that the two of them would work on the thing after school a lot during the week. I also knew that since there was no engine or anything of value in the car that he never locked it up even though it was sitting in his driveway.

So for about three or four straight weeks, me and another buddy (let’s call him John and the friend with the car Rob) would go over to his house late at night on Friday or Saturday and hotbox the fucking SHIT out of that thing while it sat in his driveway. The way the house was situated in relation to his neighbors, we didn’t have to really worry about making any noise or anything like that, so we would really go at it with the blunts in there. And of course we would never air the fucking thing out.

And for about three or four weeks Rob would come to school on Tuesday morning and mention how his dad ripped him a new one for getting stoned in the car after noticing how much it reeked of weed after they had worked on it on Monday afternoon.

John eventually felt guilty about it and told Rob how the hell the thing kept ending up smelling like weed so badly. Rob obviously already had a pretty good idea what was going on but I think that he also suspected that his next-door neighbor, who was a freshman and a budding little pothead in his own right, was the one behind it and not two of his best friends.

Well, even though Rob didn’t really give a shit since all his dad did was yell at him for about 15 minutes and then never mention anything again, I was pretty pissed that John ratted us out. So me and another friend, Adam, who happened to have a motherfucking HUGE Toyota pickup (it was about a 92 or 93 Tacoma 4x4 with 38" tires and an 8" lift on it) drove over to John’s house one night after we had been drinking heavily and taking turns doing donuts in the middle of our old Little League field.

The truck had a big brush guard and Adam backed the thing up onto the middle of the lawn and then floored it right into this huge white birch tree in the middle of this nicely landscaped section of the yard. It took two or three tries before we managed to knock the thing all the way over and then we hightailed it the fuck out of there.

Adam went to a different high school and had just bought the truck the weekend before. The very next night he rolled the thing driving down the street about a block from his house, totaled it and got a DUI. Naturally, he got rid of the truck, so John never had a chance to put two and two together and figure out who the fuck leveled this big tree in his front yard.

A couple years later, when we were all in college, John went to a school that was on the quarter system while we were both on the semester system, so we would be home for vacation at different times. We used to drive up to his house in the middle of the night (he lived in Los Altos Hills, where there’s no street lights and his street was on a steep hill) before he would get back and would grab his garbage cans and drag them back down the hill at about 50mph. We knew what day the garbage came so we would always wait for the day before it was to be picked up when there would be a bunch of shit in it.

When John would get back from school he would have to hear it from his parents, who knew that it was one of his dumbfuck friends behind the whole thing. He was the one who was forced to chop and replant the tree we knocked over, too.

191

[quote]Gettnitdone wrote:

[quote]DBCooper wrote:

[quote]Nards wrote:

[quote]DBCooper wrote:

[quote]NikH wrote:
Wow you guys are crazee! Peeing on other people and shoving a dogs face on poo whatafak!

I hate lazy people.[/quote]

I hate lazy people? What kind of lame fucking confession is that? Who doesn’t hate lazy people?

Gee guys, I really have something to confess here. I’m not too crazy about pedophiles and, quite frankly, I tend to wipe my ass every time I take a shit.

Man, glad to finally get that off my chest.[/quote]

I think threads like this one frequently go off the rails when peole are unclear on the concept.
Heck, remember the thread “Stuff You Hate That Everyone Else Loves”? About 20 people wouldn’t understand that they shouldn’t say “People that text while driving” or shit like that as NO ONE actually loves people that do that.[/quote]

Tell me about it! This is supposed to be a confessional thread, as in, confess to something that you’re ashamed of or haven’t told anyone else or something like that.

Fuck it, here’s something else I just thought of. Back when I played baseball I used to dip all the time (fine cut Copenhagen). I had a neighbor who was only about 11 or 12 but he would see me dipping sometimes (I was about 18 at the time) and eventually he started pestering me for some dip since he thought it was cool. So I gave him a big fucking wad of it. What did I care? I figured he’d put it in his lip, get a massive buzz, maybe get queasy and then be done with it.

Except I didn’t tell him that dip just sits in your lip and doesn’t get chewed up like chew does. So he puts it in his mouth and starts fucking chewing on it! He puked all over the place! Good thing about that was that he never dipped again. I also gave the kid his first bong rip (actually, more like his first several bong rips) right around the same time. I felt like such a monster afterwards, but when I say afterwards I mean like several years afterwards. At the time I thought it was hysterical to watch this neighborhood kid who used to hang out at the local BMX dirt jumps reeling around stoned out of his gourd when he was still in grade school.

I used to steal beer out of his dad’s refrigerator all the time, too. His older brother was my age so we’d hang out sometimes and I used to always sneak a couple of beers out of the frig every time I’d go over.[/quote]

What a boring, self-indulgent and pathetic story this was. The others are much better but this wasn’t your best work. Just thought you should know for next time.

[/quote]

This coming from someone who hasn’t made one single fucking quality contribution to this thread.

Besides, everything I do is self-indulgent. Does that count as a confession?

192

I told a guy who was having anxiety issues that the best drugs to fight the anxiety with were drugs that are actually well-known to increase/cause anxiety. I also told him to wash them down with massive amounts of coffee and that Thorazine was the best way to balance out any unwanted side effects.

Fuck, it feels so good to get this shit off my chest! Have I confessed yet that I’m not too crazy about murderers?

194

Wow, I could have used a friend like DB in high school.

Hey, there’s another thing I can confess…I’ve never tried any drugs, not even a marijauna cigarette. Fuuny thing is now that I’m about to turn 40 I think it would be nice to try one now.

195

When I notice a Woman with chipped nail polish I think of 80’s crack heads. They could be 10’s in every other way but all I see is 25 cent bag of chips eating crackhead.

196

DB Coopoer is the Thomas Paine of the forum. And I don’t mean the content… I mean the volume.

Zzzzzzzz…

197

[quote]four60 wrote:
When I notice a Woman with chipped nail polish I think of 80’s crack heads. They could be 10’s in every other way but all I see is 25 cent bag of chips eating crackhead. [/quote]

Same with teeth, for me. Bad teeth are a deal breaker.

So are ugly feet. I can’t stand claw toes or wide square feet on a woman.

198

I enjoy DBcooper’s picture of that disturbing unicorn man. I have hallucinated/imagined some god awful things in my life. Um… I have been tuned on by trannies before. That would be about it. I occasionally recommend shock sites I haven’t been to for people to watch… On an unrelated note look up 2 guys 1 horse. That’s about it for confessions, boring list I know.

199

One time my buddy and I were riding our bikes when we came across this other kid who was a couple years younger than us. He kept trying to impress us so eventually we convinced him we’d be his friend if he jumped in the dumpster. When he jumped in the dumpster we closed the lid on him and rode off.

200

[quote]Nards wrote:
Wow, I could have used a friend like DB in high school.

Hey, there’s another thing I can confess…I’ve never tried any drugs, not even a marijauna cigarette. Fuuny thing is now that I’m about to turn 40 I think it would be nice to try one now.[/quote]
Same here, except for trying now, way, way much more to lose.