“Crazy Asians”…
The above is not a racist comment. It’s an oft repeated phrase in the subculture of poker. Texas Hold em is the game of choice nowadays and the typical Asian gambler / player is perceived to be LAG (loose - aggressive) which loosely translated means he could be playing any two cards, regardless of action, and may play them fairly aggressively or call you down with nothing.
The setting: underground poker room, Philadelphia PA. Friday night. Party at club flopped and we close early. Poker room is 5 minutes away. Hey hey…I’m playing poker tonite baby 
The players: eclectic, hailing from all backgrounds, both legit and non-legit - such is the nature of gambling and poker. We have a kid who is a Masters student at Wharton, months away from moving to NYC to accept a high paying position at an international financial firm. He is a degenerate regular. Some poor woman is going to marry him one day and at first, she’ll think she has a catch. We also have an older Asian massage parlor owner. And everything in between. So, as you can imagine, the clientel runs the gamut of “society”, both polite and impolite.
The scene: The regular 1/2 NL game is running full force with our usual clientel. Our Asian massage parlor owner (I’ll call him “Tommy”) is renting a table to host his higher stakes 2/5 NL game for his Asian friends from Chinatown. Buy-in is minimum $500 with the max uncapped. There is easily at any one time, $15,000 on the table, and more in pockets. This is Tommy’s game - big money, free money, because he and his friends don’t work 9-5 like the rest of us.
Also sitting in the game are myself, and any other player that wants to play a higher game. So, we have a table full of well-to-do, LAG Asians, looking to gamble, myself, a gaming analyst employed by an AC casino and I’ll call our third “outsider” to this game, “Ronnie”. A little bit about Ronnie. Ronnie is a dangerous fellow. A locally mob connected dangerous fellow.
He has a propensity for violence and is not far removed from his completion a 5 year sentence for attempted murder, which he pleaded down to Aggravated Assault and served the entire 5 year max term, which he characterized to me one day as “easy, nothing”. Ronnie is 5’10" or so, 215, 40’s, muscular, street wise, tough and has lots of cash in his pocket as usual. And he is connected to the “right” people, if that’s your business. Ronnie is absolutely the kind of guy that if he couldn’t beat you, he’d hit you in the head with a hammer. If you pull a knife, he’ll clock you with a bat, you grab a bat, he’ll pull a gun.
Now, Ronnie and I know each other. We’re not actually “friends” in any sense of the word, but there is a warm respect between the two of us. We will chit chat, and otherwise be friendly when we see each other. Mutual respect between two superpowers is how to best put it. Ronnie the street operator may or may not be quite cunning - this I do not know. But Ronnie the poker player is quite straight forward, and his style of play is quite ABC predictable.
It’s not hard to figure out a range of Ronnie’s holdings. He is not a tricky player in any sense of the word. He’s not likely to pull huge bluffs with air or make elaborate “moves”.
The incident: The table and play in general is crazy as is typical of a game filled with LAGs. Chips are “trading places” and action is heavy. I’m playing solid (which is the best way to exploit a table of LAGs), but I can’t get any cards to save my life - nothing all night long: 10/3, 8/4, 7/2 and variations thereof all night long.
When I do get a premium starting hand, I cannot connect with a flop and at a table full of LAGs you cannot make moves and bluff - they will call you down with minimal holdings. The analyst from AC is getting cards and as you can imagine, doing quite well. His chip stack is at least $3k or better. Ronnie has recently brought in to the table for $500.
The action: “Crazy Asian” to his immediate left raises. Ronnie calls. Flop comes A, 4, blank. They get it heads up and the Asian is betting out heavy with Ronnie just calling. Turn is a blank. We get to the River, a 5, and Asian makes a nice size bet, Ronnie calls. Asian turns over 2/3 off suit for the wheel straight and Ronnie’s A / 10 loses. And Ronnie is just stunned by the Asian’s holding. He smiles. It’s not a sincere smile.
“You raised with 2/3 off suit”? This is repeated several times. The Asian responds, “it’s my favorite hand, I had to raise”. “Nice hand” (insincere), Ronnie replies. “Nice hand”, says Ronnie, “I want to fuckin choke you, but nice hand”. Asian is a tad uncomfortable but taking it in stride, smiling a bit uncomfortably. The table is quiet. This continues for the next few orbits with Ronnie steaming about that hand. Smiling, shaking his head, talking about the hand. He digs back into this pocket to chip back up. Ronnie busts the Asian’s balls for at least the next hour. Until…
Ronnie gets into another big hand. The Asian to his left has now either left for the evening or changed seats - I cannot remember. He is replaced by a young Asian wise guy, dressed and talking loud, flush with cash. Let’s call him Brash Young Asian (BYA). He makes a spectacle with his entrance. He is loud. He is brash. He is flashy. And he is there to gamble. He’s been there 5 minutes, and already he is getting on my fucking nerves with his mouth.
That I am not getting any good cards is not helping my tolerance for buffoonery. Ronnie, as is his custom, is wearing headphones, listening to music and cannot hear the BYA. Cards are dealt. Ronnie puts in a nice pre-flop raise. Folds around the table to an anonymous Asian LAG who calls. The flop: 9 blank blank. Ronnie is first to act and puts out a nice size flop bet. Asian LAG calls. Turn is the 10. Ronnie puts out another nice size bet, Asian calls.
Pot is now probably $300 or so. River, blank. Ronnie is all in. Asian calls and shows 9 / 10 off suit for two pair beating Ronnie’s KK. Asian drags a nice size pot North of $1000. Ronnie removes his headphones…
The night started at Defcon 5. The world was at peace. Children played on the swings. Flowers bloomed. Lovers in love walked the park. The stock market was bullish. Threat level was zero. Ronnie’s first blow up barely moved the world’s readiness status to Defcon 4 - it was no more than a common passing thunderstorm. Suddenly, we are at Defcon 2, with no pause at 3.
Children and families are inside, anxiously watching the news reports of impending trouble. Reserves are called to duty. Jets are fueling, missile cruisers have been dispatched to the gulf, air craft carriers are steaming toward the area of conflict, bombers have been srambled and the President is moving to a secured location. Ronnie’s slow simmer, which began with the 2/3 off suit hand, is now reaching a boil. Not yet a full roiling boil, but the boil when you see the first bubbles rise to the surface and pop.
Ronnie removes his headphones. “You fucking called me with 9/10 off?”, Ronnie inquires. “Yes” the Asian replies as he drags the sizable pot. “You’re a fucking idiot”, Ronnie retorts. No reply. “You called me with 9/10 off?, this guy is a fucking idiot calling me with 9/10 off, would you call that raise with 9/10 off?”, Ronnie wonders aloud to no one in particular. Another bubble pops to the surface, followed by a few more. You can see steam now. Pop. Pop.
“This guy called me with fucking 9/10 off, what a fucking idiot”. No one dare says a word. Pop. Pop. I sit there. I have a piece of the room, the security action, but “Roy”, an off duty cop is working. I’m just playing, and I’m not getting any fucking cards. I’m watching the steam, watching the bubbles roil to the surface and I’m just patiently waiting for my “friend’s” water to evaporate from the pot so we can continue…and it might very well have evaporated except for…
BYA. If the water was slowly evaporating from the pot of Ronnie’s anger, BYA just filled it to the top. BYA starts sticking up for his countryman, “Of course you play 9/10 off, anyone would call you with 9/10 off”, says BYA (and he’s absolutely right, IF, you put Ronnie on a big pair and IF you think you can get his entire stack if you make two pair or better). Ronnie retorts, “if you call with 9/10 off, you’re a fucking idiot!”. And it continues. “Of course I call you with 9/10 off”. “You’re a fucking idiot”. Back and forth. Voices raised.
They are sitting next to each other. A crowd starts to gather. Roy is standing behind them. Except Roy is all of 5.5 and 160lbs dripping wet. He is armed, but this is not an armed response situation. I tell everyone to go sit down somewhere, no show here. And they continue. “Well, do you hear me then, I’m calling you a fucking idiot!”. BYA has some sort of reply. And they continue, back and forth. East and West. Democracy and Communism. Yin and Yang.
Fuck you, fuck you too. “I’m calling you an idiot, and if you have a problem with that pal, we can go outside and settle it right now”, says Ronnie. BYA makes some sort of reply. Ronnie stands and now has him by the collar, “we can go outside right now or I can smash your fucking head in right here”. Now everyone is standing. The room manager makes a half hearted effort to touch Ronnie, to get his attention. He looks worried. The waitress, who 5 minutes ago was giving Ronnie a chair massage, has retreated in fear.
Another host looks pale. Somebody’s pet pitbull just got loose and was getting ready to bite someone. Ronnie is locked on his target, ignoring everyone but the target in his sights. Roy is standing there, looking helpless. Oh well, damnit, I guess I have to intercede in this now. Fuck!
I get up, respectfully grab Ronnie and gently move him toward the wall, away from his target. He is not acknowledging me directly, but still screaming his challenges and insults to BYA. But he is not fighting my direction either, he is simply ignoring me, but his body is complying with my movement of him. I get him against the wall, BYA is still running his mouth.
I can feel his muscularity and now he is straining against me…and I hold him. I tell him, “you cannot do this here”, “look, we’re friends, do not make me have to get involved in this”, and so on along that theme. He is ignoring me, still enraged and issuing threats and challenges to the BYA. Tommy the game host moves BYA to the front of the long room some 30 or more feet away and Ronnie finally acknowledges me.
He calms down. I convince him to take his seat…except BYA is still talking. I say, “let me handle this, just calm down, let’s play poker”. Ronnie replies, “I’m cool, I’m cool, tell him to shut the fuck up”. “Are we cool?” I ask…“we’re cool”, he replies. Now, up to the front of the room I go - a United Nations emissary of peace and international relations. BYA is running his mouth. I say, “do you want to fight this guy? Because he wants to fight you and if you don’t calm down, there isn’t much I can do about it”. This is NOT true, but it is the tact I take because my read (and it was wrong) was that the BYA would back down.
But no. He’s young. He’s brash. He’s got street money. “He wants to fight me, he wants to fight me?”, BYA says loudly. “I’m not fighting him, he wants to fight eh? Okay”. And the BYA removes his cell phone to start making a call. You know where this is going right? I motion for him to put the phone away. Not on my watch I tell him - I’ll start making calls and then there will be real trouble (like, “now youse can’t leave” trouble).
BYA is still talking loudly but he has put away his phone. Ronnie of course can hear him and is still issuing his threats, but thankfully Ronnie is sitting down. BYA now turns his anger toward Tommy, the host. I am still trying to intercede, to appeal to his degeneracy to gamble, to continue the game. LOL. BYA says he’s leaving - apparently Tommy, in the interest of peace, was asking him to leave and BYA is enraged. “I come here for you Tommy, you piece of shit, I support your game, this is bullshit Tommy” and so it continues.
I make a ruling: “No one is kicking you out. I say who stays and goes and I say you can stay. No one is going to fight here. I just need you to stop talking to him. Sit down, you came to play poker. Change seats. I’ll handle that guy. No one is fighting here, not in my house. Etc.”. This “peace” session continues for 10 minutes. Ronnie in the background, at the table, waiting for an excuse.
After 15 minutes, a seat change, a quick consultation with Ronnie, I have now restored order and the game continues. Ronnie continues to lose money. BYA plays the customary LAG style and loses a bit - but in typical high variation LAG style, doubles up a few times to be up a few hundred - AC analyst continues to build his stack and then there is me, international man of peace, “card dead”, slowly bleeding away my $500 buy in.
Why didn’t I just go home…
