SuperBetter and Raising Resilient Kids

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[quote]doublelung84 wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]doublelung84 wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]doublelung84 wrote:

[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]doublelung84 wrote:
I don’t know if I can be of any help but as a parent of four young men, I have seen my share of almost everything. I have one in college, two who are in a “Gifted” or “Advanced” program and a fourth that is a “Special needs” The “Special needs” had a stroke at the age of four months; a heartache I wish on no one. The oldest is on an athletic scholarship. So I have been all over the spectrum when it comes to seeing them deal with success and failure. If you really want to see determination, look toward the special needs person. You will start to understand that what comes easy to most, they struggle with and in that you will find a quiet determination.

As for parenting, except nothing less than the best from your children. Another one I’m big on and this is evident in anything I have written or said; I’m raising 4 men, not 4 boys. Raise boys and you get an older boy, raise men and you get men. Treat them like an adult; explain why or why not as opposed to the old “Because I said so”. When I’m dead and gone, they will have the ability to make the right choices even if that day is tomorrow.

To echo Jewbacca, have faith in something greater than yourself. I fall short as a Christian sometimes but my children know if it’s important for Dad to get his ass in a pew on Sunday, it’s has to be important.

On a lighter note, spend time with them. They need to see BOTH Mom and Dad’s failures and successes. And lastly; take them fishing!
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QFT
Father of five with one Special Needs, Downs.

[/quote]

My son was born a twin 7 lbs. 2oz. big for a twin. One day I got a call from the baby sitter and our world change forever.

I will never forget this; on Fathers Day 12:15 am the Doctor at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia came in his room to talk to my wife and I. After we went over his report I asked him, “Are you telling me there’s a chance I could lose my son?” He answered, “There’s a chance of that”. I never cried so hard in my life.

My wife and I found out she was pregnant with our fourth 2 days later. I felt like the Lord was going to swap one out. Thank God for my wife, she was a freakin’ rock while I was a mess. I never left his bedside for 6 days. 2 weeks in the PICU, 2 more in the regular hospital. When we brought him home, he couldn’t even hold his own head up.

We all have our cross to bear. I’m sure you have seen your hard times also.
[/quote]
Tip my hat sir. Nothing in this world is harder then dealing with heart ache and pain of your children. [/quote]

In all, he’s doing well and dealing with some vision issues. He’s so lovable and the other kids in his class watch out for him. His twin and younger brother also watch over him. You mess with one and you mess with the three.

The moment they are born you hope they become a Doctor, not in need of one. We have adjusted our expectation but always expect only their best.[/quote]
Yea man Mickie is 22 now and just graduated HS last year. EVERYONE at his HS knows Mickie (mostly the women) and loved him. It was like something out of a movie to see him walk down the halls of the school.

We went to BoneDaddy’s one night to watch a game and one of the waitresses had went to school with him and was giving him hugs and bringing other girls over. He is now working and living at an assisted living facility, has his own room and a room mate. He is creating a life on his own and we get him every weekend. So far so good. [/quote]

Ow that’s great! I don’t know what the future holds for us but all’s good as long as I have him to hold.
[/quote]

Mine a few years ago. She’s 16 now and in a wheelchair. As you can see, there’s a lot of personality there. Her eyes communicate a lot, but I’d give anything to have her be able to talk. I will say, you learn to take these things one day at a time. I try to not worry about what the future holds. As they say, worry never changed anything. That year of her diagnosis (she was 2) was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Just a blur of doctor appointments, and frantically trying to figure out what was wrong and if there was something we could do to help her. She lost the ability to use her hands at 18 months, and just cried inconsolably for about a month. It was just heartbreaking. She was so frustrated and we think it was painful. She had a few words, and would call me “mama”. I wish I’d recorded it, but I didn’t realize that I’d never get to hear that again. Things are better now. The human heart has a tremendous capacity to mend and to cope with the bad stuff. We got brave and had another little girl who is now 10 (Rett doesn’t normally run in families, but once you’ve been hit by lightening…). Anyway, that was such a healing experience. You learn not to take all the normal stuff for granted. These kids are a blessing in so many ways. DoubleLung, we’ve had a similar experience with our other kids being protective of her. When she was in the hospital this past fall, they really missed her quiet presence in our home. I’m proud of them. She brings out the good in all kinds of people, often in surprising ways. It’s fantastic to hear that your son is doing so well, Derek.

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I dunno if its the fact that I am going to be a father soon or what, but yall got me a little emotional sitting in my office today. Had to get up and close the door. God bless you and your families Puff, Derek, and doublelung. Very touching stuff.

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[quote]jbpick86 wrote:
I dunno if its the fact that I am going to be a father soon or what, but yall got me a little emotional sitting in my office today. Had to get up and close the door. God bless you and your families Puff, Derek, and doublelung. Very touching stuff. [/quote]
Its all good man. There is beauty in all forms of life.

This is typical Mickie behavior.

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[quote]jbpick86 wrote:
I dunno if its the fact that I am going to be a father soon or what, but yall got me a little emotional sitting in my office today. Had to get up and close the door. God bless you and your families Puff, Derek, and doublelung. Very touching stuff. [/quote]

Indeed. As the father of two boys (8 & 2), this has tugged at the ol’ heartstrings. While we have a nephew who was born severely brain damaged, the biggest “challenge” we’ve faced is when our toddler was in the hospital for two weeks last year with e Coli. As it can with the very young and old, it turned into kidney disease called HUS (this what kids with e Coli die from). When the doctor told us he was moving into HUS, the thought of losing our boy was unbearable. Never cried so hard in my life. My hats off to you parents who have endured what you have.

And Puff (phenomenal thread btw), I’ll second sports as a character builder. My 8 year old is what most would call a “great kid”. He’s polite, kind hearted and a gifted student and athlete. While sports have been easy for him, I think the coaching and team dynamic have given him a drive to do better. Having natural athletic ability is, obviously, a huge benefit, but no one works harder on the field or court. I’m sure we’re partially responsible for his competitiveness (“There’s no WAY you can eat all those vegetables!”; “Race you to the door”), but we think he truly wants to get better.

I guess my concern, as others have pointed out in the this thread, is things coming too easy for him. Trying to let him learn (and fail) on his own…and take his lumps along the way, can be tough when you just want to protect your little ones.

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[quote]Powerpuff wrote:

Mine a few years ago. She’s 16 now and in a wheelchair. As you can see, there’s a lot of personality there. Her eyes communicate a lot, but I’d give anything to have her be able to talk. I will say, you learn to take these things one day at a time. I try to not worry about what the future holds. As they say, worry never changed anything. That year of her diagnosis (she was 2) was by far the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. Just a blur of doctor appointments, and frantically trying to figure out what was wrong and if there was something we could do to help her. She lost the ability to use her hands at 18 months, and just cried inconsolably for about a month. It was just heartbreaking. She was so frustrated and we think it was painful. She had a few words, and would call me “mama”. I wish I’d recorded it, but I didn’t realize that I’d never get to hear that again. Things are better now. The human heart has a tremendous capacity to mend and to cope with the bad stuff. We got brave and had another little girl who is now 10 (Rett doesn’t normally run in families, but once you’ve been hit by lightening…). Anyway, that was such a healing experience. You learn not to take all the normal stuff for granted. These kids are a blessing in so many ways. DoubleLung, we’ve had a similar experience with our other kids being protective of her. When she was in the hospital this past fall, they really missed her quiet presence in our home. I’m proud of them. She brings out the good in all kinds of people, often in surprising ways. It’s fantastic to hear that your son is doing so well, Derek.
[/quote]

Puff,
It sound like you had a normal birth as we did also. With twins, the words “High Risk” gets thrown around a lot but after we got the “Two healthy boys” from the doctor, all seemed clear sailing. If anything, I learned there are no guarantees with children.

The day I rushed him to the ER is burned in my mind like it was yesterday. I have heard some say those days are a blur, but not for me 12 years ago.

Derek542 this on is for you too. How bad does your blood boil when you hear the work “Retarded” even if it’s not directed at you child, just the word? Kids use it a lot but not mine and never in my house.

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[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]jbpick86 wrote:
I dunno if its the fact that I am going to be a father soon or what, but yall got me a little emotional sitting in my office today. Had to get up and close the door. God bless you and your families Puff, Derek, and doublelung. Very touching stuff. [/quote]
Its all good man. There is beauty in all forms of life.

This is typical Mickie behavior. [/quote]

A picture of the boys from about a year ago; left to right: Wyatt, Kegan, Lucas, Logan. The one in the back is Lucas who had the stroke. Lucas and Wyatt are the twins, ya I know they don’t look alike. It makes me laugh when people think Logan is his twin because of the blond hair. They all have nicknames, Blue, Whoobs, Duke and Logi Bear.

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[quote]jbpick86 wrote:
I dunno if its the fact that I am going to be a father soon or what, but yall got me a little emotional sitting in my office today. Had to get up and close the door. God bless you and your families Puff, Derek, and doublelung. Very touching stuff. [/quote]

jbpick86,
Thanks Bro, it’s hard for me to not get emotional when I write about it. I made a deal with God in the hospital; Give me my boy back and I will deal with whatever comes our way. He held up his end of the bargain so I expect the same from myself.

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[quote]Tyler23 wrote:

[quote]jbpick86 wrote:
I dunno if its the fact that I am going to be a father soon or what, but yall got me a little emotional sitting in my office today. Had to get up and close the door. God bless you and your families Puff, Derek, and doublelung. Very touching stuff. [/quote]

Indeed. As the father of two boys (8 & 2), this has tugged at the ol’ heartstrings. While we have a nephew who was born severely brain damaged, the biggest “challenge” we’ve faced is when our toddler was in the hospital for two weeks last year with e Coli. As it can with the very young and old, it turned into kidney disease called HUS (this what kids with e Coli die from). When the doctor told us he was moving into HUS, the thought of losing our boy was unbearable. Never cried so hard in my life. My hats off to you parents who have endured what you have.

And Puff (phenomenal thread btw), I’ll second sports as a character builder. My 8 year old is what most would call a “great kid”. He’s polite, kind hearted and a gifted student and athlete. While sports have been easy for him, I think the coaching and team dynamic have given him a drive to do better. Having natural athletic ability is, obviously, a huge benefit, but no one works harder on the field or court. I’m sure we’re partially responsible for his competitiveness (“There’s no WAY you can eat all those vegetables!”; “Race you to the door”), but we think he truly wants to get better.

I guess my concern, as others have pointed out in the this thread, is things coming too easy for him. Trying to let him learn (and fail) on his own…and take his lumps along the way, can be tough when you just want to protect your little ones.[/quote]

Thanks, Tyler. And thanks for sharing your experiences with your kids.

About sports, our oldest is not a natural athlete. We tried soccer and t-ball for a couple of years and then let him stop. He’s more of an individual sport person, and so he found his grove in club swimming and then ran cross country and track in high school. Not a lot of athletic glory, but hanging in the middle of the pack at least. I was really proud of him when he went out for cross country as a freshmen because it was an experience in knowing he wasn’t going to shine and might even be bad at something, but doing it anyway.

About sports, a couple of years ago I was helping my son clean out his room. All those “participation” trophies that kids get for just being on the team went in the trash. He did keep a 4th place swimming ribbon he earned. That had value. Yeah, kids know the difference. This self-esteem “everybody’s a winner” crap isn’t fooling them a bit.

The presentation was last night, and I drew on many of your experiences, TN peeps. Quoted you DoubleLung. Awesome. Thanks all.

I don’t do my best thinking in front of 100 people, but this is the third time I’ve done this in the past year and it’s getting easier. I always run these things through my head afterward and wish I’d said something different, or wish I’d emphasized something more. It’s never perfect, but I love the topic. Instead of hanging by the podium before the meeting, I tried to meet as many people as I could, and asked them about their kids. Strangely, that will make me feel a lot more relaxed than sitting up by the podium. Afterward a mom came up and hugged me with tears in her eyes and told me about her two kids - one gifted and one mentally handicapped. Made my day.

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doublelung -

That’s a handsome bunch of boys up there. Thanks for sharing.

To answer your question, yes. Normal pregnancy. We didn’t realize anything was wrong until she was about 6 months, and it became clear that her motor skills weren’t coming in like they should. In retrospect, there were signs earlier. She was a super happy baby (too happy, rarely cried) and super soft (low muscle tone). She never crawled. Used to roll to get around the house. We had a CP diagnosis first, then she began loosing skills. Now that got everyone’s attention. There’s no good reason for kids to loose abilities they had. This regression phase is part of Rett, which is caused by a mutation on the x chromosome. This was just before they discovered the gene that causes it, so we were able to do a blood test when she was two. It’s a pretty devastating diagnosis, but at least we knew what we were dealing with. It’s always better to know. And for our other kids to know that they can’t pass it down to their future children. It’s usually just a spontaneous mutation, like Downs. We all have these little mutations, unfortunately that particular gene is really important in brain function. Like Downs, just because they know what causes it doesn’t mean they can cure it, but it’s a first step.

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[quote]Derek542 wrote:

[quote]jbpick86 wrote:
I dunno if its the fact that I am going to be a father soon or what, but yall got me a little emotional sitting in my office today. Had to get up and close the door. God bless you and your families Puff, Derek, and doublelung. Very touching stuff. [/quote]
Its all good man. There is beauty in all forms of life.

This is typical Mickie behavior. [/quote]

jppick - It’s all the pregnancy hormones. Being around them will make you cry at everything. :wink:

Thank you for your kind thoughts. And really, these things we are talking about are extremely rare. In all likelihood, you’ll have a healthy baby girl. Becoming a parent is always a leap of faith. These days I don’t worry so much about my disabled daughter, as I worry about the other one’s turning out to be assholes. :slight_smile:

Great pic, Derek. Love it.

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Great article - The Overprotected Kid. Also gives some of the history of how litigation over playground accidents and overreaction about child abduction has changed the way we raise kids in America. I had a guy from Germany come up to me after my talk and describe a childhood of running around outside without supervision, lots more independence for kids to gain practical life experience. It sounded a lot like my childhood. Now we have kids who have barely been without adults hovering over them for more than 10 minutes in their entire lives. Every afternoon is filled with structured activities.