Looks like you identified your problem
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Get over yourself pal. There’s a programme here (UK) called the undatables. I think we are supposed to laugh at these people with difficulties. Instead it’s inspirational. People who have reason to switch off are putting themselves out there risking ridicule and contempt, for love and companionship in full view of the nation. Get out there, take risks, be confident, be beautiful.
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It feels like a far easier task to build self esteem than to become handsome. Seems like you’re doing alright.
What do FIRE folks do for health insurance? Everything else I understand and am generally onboard with. I am frugal with my spending and purchasing habits, and save more than 50% of my income. But really good health insurance is something non-negotiable. My health and body, and the health and bodies of my family are of paramount importance. That has to be a FIRE retirees biggest expense by far, right?
I don’t understand why people act like being afraid is a reason not to do things. If you weren’t afraid to go out and put yourself out there, it wouldn’t take courage to do it. There must be fear for there to be courage.
In short,
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Women smell low self esteem like sharks smell blood in the water. Social cues are their language. Women are predatory animals. Once you start thinking of them like that you’ll change the game on how to hook one.
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I treated them as such for nearly a decade, and had a borderline disturbing amount of sexual partners, because it was an effective way to get laid. But I did not think of or treat my wife this way, and I was the first guy to not treat her that way as well, and we fell in love very soon after meeting one another. I think the low self esteem part of your statement is undeniable. But, despite you being a woman, I will respectfully disagree that all women are predatory animals. Some women are tired of the predator-prey dynamic. Grouping them all into that category would be like saying all men display dominant characteristics, and that’s damn sure not true.
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I would characterize it more as unattended cues that people respond to without knowing why.
I respond to certain women in certain ways without even thinking about it, and certain types of women respond to me the same way. Some think I’m great, some think I’m an asshole, some don’t think anything at all. It all goes both ways.
I can relate somewhat to what PBP is saying because at certain points I wanted to be invisible and behaved accordingly. It worked. Then I started feeling better, presenting myself differently, and got different results.
Wallowing in how mediocre your 20s were will be your first and most effective step towards making your 30s mediocre as well.
I suggest focussing on what could be and putting habits in place to make it happen.
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Was there anything you read that sparked this or was it simply a personal realization?
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I guess it makes sense then that I got approached at the gym, the place where I have the most confidence in me. I have 100% confidence in me there and I just brush off the guys mocking zercher squats or shoulder warm-ups that I do or whatever. My ex said that I had the aura of a badass in the gym and it surprised me
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I missed this quote first time around, and while I was already on board with the sentiment, this will definitely be my go-to phrase on the subject for the foreseeable.
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Young people have massive expectations about what their late teens and twenties are supposed to be like. Very often, they feel short changed. Your thirties will rock. You will still have another 60 years after that.
Love the “happiness inside job” quote.
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It really depends on the person / family. Some people break it down into lean fire, regular fire and fat fire. The fat fire people need to save a lot of money because they want to spend a lot of money. Regular fire means pretty traditional retirement, but a lot earlier. Both of these groups need to find a way to pay for insurance. In the US, the affordable care act is usually the go to.
Lean fire people usually focus a lot on expenses. All most all of them have paid off housing, transportation, and live kind of simply. Now since they are living frugally, their income requirements are very low. Many couples for example are living on 20-25K a year. Because of this they match their investment withdrawals to match up with that income requirement. If two people in the US have that income, they will be eligible for heavily subsidized health care. In most states you would be eligible for free health care.
This works because health care subsidies are based on income, not net worth. Some question the ethics of having 1 million dollars, and receiving free health care. I guess if they don’t want people doing it, they should change the rules. As it is now, you could take this approach.
Also of note. Most FIRE folks have a lot of money they have access to. Because of this if buying insurance most buy high deductible plans (with the highest deductible they can get). They want to be covered in case of emergency, but are generally okay paying for small stuff.
That is very good! I get close to this if I count principle on my house as savings.
If I’m reading this correctly, you’ve already persevered through more adversity at 30 than a lot of people ever will in their entire lives. So congratulations, that’s a pretty serious accomplishment. I’d wager the majority of “homeless at 20” stories don’t end up this way 10 years later.
Also, you’re now free of the loan that you weren’t sure you could pay back. You took a necessary risk, and it paid off: you got a place to live, and you were able to hold up your end of the deal. “Stupid” loans are for the ones for material things that end in bankruptcy, so this was not a stupid loan. Again, nice work.
Happiness is bullshit. It’s an emotional state as fleeting as any other. You’re doing meaningful things, like digging yourself out of the hole that life (and probably some bad decisions) put you in. That’s admirable; and it’s a hell of a lot more important than a few weekends in Vegas or Cabo.
You will never be the person you were, so stop trying to be. Instead, be better. Shit, you already are better! You have more experience now, have surmounted some pretty tough obstacles, and now you have a clean financial slate with 50+ years ahead of you. You’re set up pretty well in my book.
Nope. You are where you are because of the choices you made. If you ask me, I think you made some pretty good ones. You could be dead, or an addict, but you aren’t.
I’d suggest Jordan Peterson and 12 Rules for Life and Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning for reading. I think they’ll give you some perspective and a different lens to see yourself (and your possibilities) through.
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I think everyone has heard this concept, whether they believe it or not is the question. It’s really a simple meaningless feel-good, until it’s suddenly applies and makes sense re: personal revelation
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Folks who came out of school (HS or college) into the workforce during the great recession were victims of circumstance. BUT, the ones who succeeded despite that adversity were made stronger for it. I graduated college in engineering and spent the first 11 months after school working graveyard at a gym, a fulltime engineering internship with public works in my city during the day, and then worked the ticket booth at my local college’s sporting events during the evenings… all at the same time. I believe that period of having to aggressivly hustle after school gave me huge bonus points on my resume and allowed me to land a very coveted job over the stanford/cal/UC system grads also interviewed. In addition, i continued living college-frugally because i had the specter of the recession hanging over my head the whole time. This allowed me to pay off student loans in 5 years, and begin saving money far earlier than most.
I look around at the new hires at my current firm and i see a generation that has had it really fucking easy, and frankly it shows. They spend freely, save little, and very few have that chip on their shoulder, or that healthy fear of failure which folks who lived through the great recession carry with them. The exception to this is the ex-athletes who have an innate fear of failure and are competitive.
Point being, that the folks who met, struggled with, and overcame adversity have a stronger character than those that didn’t. That strength of character should give you confidence and pride in your position in life today.
I believe that life is mostly shitty to boring, and that you spend 90% of your time in varying degrees of suffering to chase that 10% of the time you feel joy. So make that 10% worth your damn while. The key is to find those things to spend your 10% of time on that ARE worth your while. For me its skiing, MTB, and being out in the mountains. Soon it will be those things, but sharing it with my child.
As for women, you gotta meet a lot of women to find the right ones, and you gotta meet a lot of right ones, to find the Right One. I used tinder extensively when i was single, and would go on 2-3 dates per week. I never went to bars or clubbing at night (i wanted to be in good shape the next morning). Didnt really matter if i was that interested in the girl or not, but i’d spend $15 for a couple drinks to get to hear about someones life and see if you hit it off. If you don’t hit it off, no worries, you likely learned something new from the girl and got some first date practice in which is also really applicable to BD in the business world. I literally would ask the girl out to drinks within the first 2-3 messages, and +50% of the time they would agree. I figured out the key with women is to be extremely nice and kind, try to be funny, and if you are into her, be VERY forward (that was weird for me)… leave no room for doubt as to your intentions. They will appreciate the honesty as long as you are respectful. EVERYONE finds first dates awkward, and some hilarious stories will come out of some of them that you can tell your buddies as long as you can laugh at yourself. But, you gotta just put yourself into those situations. And don’t be intimidated by 10’s… go make a pass at her, but be sweet and be ready to fuck-right-off if she isnt obviously interested (dont be the creepy guy who doesnt get the hint because she is being nice). If you get denied, she just got respectfully hit on and gets a confidence boost (win), if you get told off she is likely mean or has issues and you dodged a bullet (win), or sometimes you guys weirdly click and she is into it and you get to hangout with a smokeshow (win).
You can either dwell on your apparent past failures, or realize how much you have overcome, how strong you are, and how ready you are to now start living life to the fullest. What do you want out of life? Figure out the first steps to make that happen, and go throw yourself into it.
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I know the conversation has evolved since then, but I’m just gonna offer my own of I don’t feel invisible to women. I catch women giving me the elevator eyes. Women look like men do, but women can be more subtle sometimes. But other times not.
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I thought back about this after I posted this, and yeah no I don’t feel invisible, it’s just that my lack of confidence makes me very oblivious to this. A few months ago I was in the Gellért spa in Budapest and my friends told me that all the women were staring at me.
A big part of it is that you have to be a fan of yourself before you believe anyone else is a fan of yours. When I was in my late teens/early 20s I had an ego that I’ve since managed to form into a more positively accepted general level of confidence, but I’d say even the ego would be more preferable to humility, from a social survivable standpoint.
As much as we’re taught that humility is admirable, in truth, it makes LOTS of people simply appear meek. To be humble, you have to first be accomplished. Otherwise, you’re simply being honest.
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