I thought this was pretty damn funny - and it relates somewhat to the Metrosexual thread from a few weeks ago…
I was actually thinking of writing something like this myself… If I had, the sports rules would be very different, and would include honorable mention of pro wrestling as sports entertainment. And of course a kind word about soccer…
Lifted egregiously from a post on the Straight Dope message board.
Ask “The Straight Eye for the Gay Guy”
You look around and you’ll notice that a lot of gay guys need some help
with their style, grooming, their taste in music, etc. So, in the grand
tradition of “reality TV” and televised makeovers, I offer you “The
Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.”A disclaimer here: We’re not recruiting. We’re not out to convert you to
our lifestyle. At least I’m not. Live and let live, I always say. Besides,
I’ve heard too many chicks say “the best men are either gay or married.”
So considering how many women like your style, I sure don’t want to
convert you to straightdom and increase the competition. I just want to
start a thread where people can ask a straight guy for tips and advice.So let’s start dishing out those style tips.
FASHION
It’s no secret that a lot of gay guys need help here. I think I know what
the problem is. They just reach into the closet and grab any old thing
that has an impressive label on it. Well, if the sleeves of a suitcoat
come down to your fingertips, or barely reach past your elbows, you look
like a clown. Doesn’t matter what the label is. Remember, “If the suit
don’t fit, Versace ain’t shit.”
Shoes. Nothing is more comfortable than old shoes. I got a pair of deck
shoes that look like they were found on a Peruvian mummy. You’ll get them
when you pry them from my cold, dead feet.GROOMING
Don’t file your nails in the office. Just don’t. M’kay?
But on the last day of the month, I always clip my toenails. (No, not in
the office.) I clip them more often if I’m going hiking. You see, a
toenail can rub against the adjacent toe, and on long hikes it could wear
away enough to cut your toe and start it bleeding. If you think this might
happen, be sure to wear white socks, so you can show off the blood.Skin care. I believe that the only straight guys who are permitted to
exfoliate are the ones who have gone to prep school. I guess they teach it
there.
Otherwise, skin care must involve pinching, picking, tearing and popping.
As far a scented stuff is concerned, we use only the scents that
girlfriends have given us. That means we have to make sure the right scent
is applied for the right girlfriend. So when given a new bottle of
cologne, it’s best to put some masking tape on the bottle and label it
“Ashley,” “Melanie,” or “Heather” as appropriate. Mistakes in this regard
are costly, and could leave permanent scars.
That’s about it for protecting your skin.SPORTS. You can be a straight guy and not care squat about sports. The key
is to find out what sports the other guys are talking about and then take
this approach: “You watch baseball? What about football?” If they also
watch football, just keep asking about some other sport, like Australian
Rules Football. (This won’t work so well if you’re actually in Australia.)
The typical fan of some obscure sport will positively jump at the chance
to explain the rules to anyone unfortunate enough to be listening. Give
'em free rein, and you don’t have to say a thing.As a last resort, bring up Irish Hurling. This will always result in
bemused looks followed by lame jokes about drinking too much Guinness,
then the topic switches to drinking and you’re home free. Unless there’s
an actual fan of Irish Hurling, who will then jump at the chance to
explain the rules to anyone unfortunate enough to be listening.If you’re in the United States, you’re entitled to be bored by soccer.
Don’t sweat it.HOME DECOR.
The basics: Don’t buy so much breakable crap. If it’s delicate, it’s a
threat. Straight guys like stuff that can take an errant basketball and
all you have to do is pick it up and put it back. Extra points if it’s
stain resistant. Or just colored so you can’t tell.Other than that, forget all the stereotypes you have heard about straight
guys’ decor. It does not consist of poker-playing dogs, neon bar signs and
girly pictures. The truth is, the typical straight guys’ home decor is no
decor at all. Why put stuff on the walls you can’t just paint over when
spills and sprays get too thick? And if you put something on a wall, it’s
like an admission of defeat that you will never put a home theater there.
Straight guys decorate with electronics.
So keep it simple. You don’t have to dust walls.Hot tip. Track lighting looks really cool. You guys ought to try it.
GUNS
Rifles are the big ones that take two hands. Pistols are the smaller ones
that take one hand. Perhaps someone can supply us with symbolism to serve
as a memory aid.
If you work in a fairly liberal environment, you don’t have to know much
about guns. In fact, admitting that you own a gun is tantamount to saying
you have an outhouse, a coon dog and a Chevy up on blocks. About the only
liberal workplace where you will need to know a lot about guns is if
you’re a rap music critic.MUSIC
And speaking of music. The courts have widely held that it is not illegal
for two consenting adults to enjoy opera in the privacy of their own
homes. But the keyword is “consenting.” It is still illegal to inflict
opera on someone who is unable to give informed consent. As it should be.
Also, if it doesn’t have some deep, personal meaning for you, Gloria
Gaynor’s “I Am What I Am” sort of sucks. No need to hum it all day.FOOD
If it tastes good, who cares how it looks.That does it for my first installment of “Straight Eye for the Gay Guy.”
Let me know if you have any questions.