Just don’t be that guy.
Or rather, stop being that guy.
I do try to understand, and the reason I have been the only one she has passively contacted is because I am open enough to see it from both sides. I have hurt my mother several times trying to explain to her how she may have contributed to the situation. It’s hard to communicate with someone that just wants to identify as the mother and fails to look deeper into how her daughter feels though.
It’s all gravy, man. It’s just good to vent.
I feel the same bro.
Hit me up on my training thread or my woo woo thread if you want to discuss more.
Otherwise @Andrewgen_Receptors will tell us to fuck off again.
At least tell me to fuck off again.
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And, I just can’t resist.
Pretty sure it is just me. I am certainly the ass hole here.
Maybe because you both cycle together?
Perhaps because you are more feminine than her mother, she sees you as the bitch in the parental relationship.
Congrats for taking credit for your kid’s accomplishments. She took AP but you take credit it for it - kind of stolen valor.
I never take credit for my kids’ accomplishments - yes, plural. Both graduated HS as members of NHS, both took at least five AP classes.
My daughter graduated with a 4.0, my son will graduate with a 4.5 based on his AP classes. Daughter is a junior in college, son will be attending college in the fall, both are at top 90 schools as ranked by US News and World Distort.
I didn’t push either of my kids and they both took AP classes. I supported them and encouraged, I never pushed.
I taught them to focus on the process and to enjoy the experience.
You coerced her rather than supporting her.
People without kids be like all judgy and shit. People with one kid be like look what I did, look how great I am.
People with two kids be like thank god I got them the fuck out of my house.
Now that your daughter got some bullshit degree rather than pursuing her dream of art, you can check out bro.
See. You are always ready to overreact. Maybe it’s you meant maybe it’s your own experience and you shouldn’t project that as being the norm for everyone. I simply offered an alternative experience.
The rest of your post is simply you trying to trigger me, which you should have learned by now doesn’t work. It only proves my point that you try to come off as the better person who won’t stoop to personal attacks or snide remarks when in reality you’re one of the worst offenders here in that regard. You accused Andrew of being passive aggressive a couple of posts above yet look at yourself.
Try a complete sentence bro.
Mirror.
Out of context.
Out of respect for the thread, I won’t respond to you again.
Good luck with that.
This is my approach too. I believe in being the runway, not the engine.
Here’s the thing, do kids know what they need to do? People see the word push and they interpret it to mean force, impel, coerce, etc. I don’t see what’s wrong with pushing people to do what’s difficult, to challenge themselves, to find out what they are good at and what they enjoy. We could easily interpret positive reinforcement as a form of coercion if we want to go down that road.
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Something else to think about is that sure, you can tell your kids to follow their passion and major in that in college. Then, when they have college debt and a job in a field that has nothing to do with their major or a job that they didn’t need college for, are they going to feel regret and resentment or be happy?
My daughter wanted to major in art. I told her she should consider a more practical major that was related to art and she chose graphic design. She has gotten internships as a result and has begun building a portfolio before she has graduated.
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I think the age of the child and social circle also matters a lot.
If the child feels like they’re missing out on “fun”, they’re more likely to rebel and perceive the parents as coercive.
I think this is the same for healthy lifestyle habits
This feels like the stick approach. I’ve always had better luck with the carrot.
That’s true but I’ve seen a lot of kids who spend all of their time on their phones. Maybe they could do with some pushing.
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Both are forms of coercion. The thing is, how do you make Calculus the carrot? There is also the reality that sometimes in life you just have to do things regardless of how you feel. Learning that before you find yourself in the real world is a good thing.
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Maybe stuck on semantics, but what you’re calling “push” I might call encourage or support.
My daughter is young so our accomplishments are successfully completing the monkey bars or learning a new shape.
The monkey bars were a challenge for her. She didn’t have the grip strength to complete them. She does have an innate drive to win, which helps, but I’ve worked with her on overcoming tantrums since she was very small. We did not throw things and cry or give up when they didn’t work out how we wanted, but learned to take a break, take a few breaths, try another way and even ask for help if necessary.
She will do this on her own now, and come back to a challenge. Cue the monkey bars. Her general frustration at failing, where she would give multiple attempts and feel defeated, would result in her telling me “I’m not quitting Daddy, I’m just too tired now and need to try again later” and she would.
I remember one particular time when it looked like she was going to get it, so I backed off “spotting her” to give space. She slipped at the end and landed hard on her back. Knocked the wind out of her and she was crying hard when she could breathe again. I felt like a terrible dad, did not feel it was time to insert comments and hugged her. When she stopped crying she told me, and she learned this in taekwondo, “winners never quit, quitters never win, I’m not a quitter I’m a winner” and tried again, unsuccessfully. We called it for the day and chased ducks.
Months later, she did it. It was the happiest I’ve ever seen her and I knew she “got it”. I see the swagger and confidence in her all the time now as she takes on new things.
To me this is encouraging. I planted seeds, taekwondo (which I intentionally chose for her) planted seeds and she watered them.
Pushing, to me, would be barking at her and “forcing” her out of her own comfort zone in a moment vs the long game of encouraging and allowing her comfort zone to expand enough to encompass her challenge.
And this is my approach, whichever descriptive words fit. Pushing does work, people see they’re capable of more than they thought and then they know, but I still prefer encouraging. I believe this allows full internal ownership and adoption of the process. It’s achieved internally and there isn’t an external crutch to lose later when facing hardships alone.
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I agree it must be semantics. Maybe I could have used nudge or something. I think parents who do what you described are living, or rather reliving, their lives through their kids.
I’m not sure how you got there. I see it as allowing her to explore her world and encouraging her to reach farther as she does. I can’t wait to see her own interests form and how far she takes them as she has already internalized the concept of “keep going”.
To each their own a I guess. I want to be a launch pad, not a crutch.
Or maybe you meant my definition of “push”. And I would agree.
I’ll agree with that.
I meant the type of pushing and yelling you described, not what you personally do. Sorry about the confusion.
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I do notice woman are much more likely to talk shit about their husband/ex/ baby daddy than men. My parents split when I was 13 and my father never said a word about their relationship or the issues they had. My mother on the other hand would talk about him all the time. Sometimes in an attempt to seek validation (from children). My sister and I were old enough to sense it was wrong and it’d backfire. “oh, you’re taking his side?”
Even in my marriage, if my wife and I argue she will say things to the kids I never would. If they ask about why we were arguing, I deflect, soften the issue and change the subject. She will just blurt stuff out. At the end of the day most women are driven by emotions. That’s how they’re designed.
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