Yes, but as the Eminem song (“I think I love you too”) it goes much further than that sometimes.
I think as with your father, many of the guys are not trying to deceive - they think they’re ready, but they’re not. They’re not ready for their girlfriends or wives to suddenly grow into responsible people who care about cleanliness and don’t want to party because the baby will be up at dawn.
And not only are they not helpful, they resent that she’s become a critical adult.
Men marry women expecting them to stay the same, women marry expecting men to change.
Overly broad, I know. But I have had moments like this in my marrage, and had to adjust my thinking about myself and her, and go back to to that well of resolve to do better. Emotional lifting is part of the relentless persuit of excellence.
Just curious why them calling you grandpa was a solution for him. Did his girlfriend not realize that grandkids come from having kids?
He didn’t want her to know that he had children that were under 18 and not independent.
You have too many single mothers because you can’t criticize single mothers and single motherhood without being attacked for supporting the patriarchy, white supremacy, heteronormativity, misogyny, etc. This, in spite of us knowing that being the child of a single mother greatly increases the likelihood of substance addiction, suicide and criminality and other poor outcomes. Simply pointing out those facts is enough to provoke attacks. What makes it even worse is that single fathers do a much better job than single mothers.
I’m sorry this happened to you…
But, I lol’d because wouldn’t being a grandpa imply he also had kids?
Yeah, which makes it so absurd. It was because she didn’t know he had kids under 18. And she didn’t know he was still married.
And kind of a dick.
I’m sorry @Brant_Drake.
I’m the spirit of camaraderie let me repeat that my mother didn’t want me, lol.
Although she was so great in many ways. So I don’t know that I wouldn’t pick her again, if I had it all to do over.
Life and families and marriages are complicated, yo.
That’s true.
Not really. Just don’t be a piece of shit and you’re 90% of the way there.
You could make a religion out of this.
But like @EmilyQ said, it’s complicated. I’ve dated single moms, but also joked about how I don’t want to play some other dude’s save game file. But they were taking care of a person, and no matter what led them to be there they stepped up. In an imperfect way, but trying not to be a peice of shit.
If you don’t want to date/marry a single mom, that’s fine. But dont be a peice of shit to them.
Also on an anecdotal note, most single moms I’ve met were single because of infidelity from the man, and most single dads were due to the wife dying (cancer, car crash, ect.) I’m not trying to extrapolate anything from my limited experience, but thought there might be something about how men and women approach single parenthood.
A lot of the things you’re pointing to - could be solved by better discernment of women. I’m not putting all the blame on women, but i started this thread in sharp contrast to the typical response that blames the men 10/10 times.
No, it’s not 100% women’s fault, but it is women’s burden to bear - therefore they have the highest interest (or should) in solving this societal issue. Luckily, they also have all the tools and empowerment to do so.
Do you think the are any soceital norms that feed into this problem?
We’ve circled this block before. As with individual couples the answer to your question would be that it’s far more complex than “who is at fault” with the options being either “men” or “women.” Smart, capable women want good men. Smart women don’t keep men they discover not to be good. Deadbeat dads tend to be less intelligent and less conscientious - these lesser men find poor-discernment women. It’s an everyone thing.
A lot of the things you’re pointing to - could be solved by better discernment of women.
Or equally as true, the greater discernment of men. Or we can focus on women’s willingness to foist responsibility for themselves onto others. But equally, we could ask men that when they have sex with women they will not stay to support through the raising of a child, wrap up. Easy-peasy, no?
Single mothers who were never married tend to be poor and uneducated. They are not people who have good decision making skills or impulse control.
Feminists don’t care about poor women; they are concerned about elitist issues like the non existent wage gap the patriarchy and DEI.
The point being, don’t expect women to solve this problem anytime soon. I mean, many women with influence don’t even see a problem. In fact, they are the ones trying to destroy the idea of the nuclear family. BLM explicitly stated this on their website until the backlash forced them to remove it, but that doesn’t mean they don’t still believe it.
That would make sense until you realize you’re probably dealing with two individuals who are poor, uneducated, probably have lower than average IQs, and live in a community and/or culture with different values. Expecting them to reason like adults is a mistake.
Yes, I made that point as well.
And no one really wants to talk about it for fear of being called racist or, if you’re a minority, a race traitor.
Either I need to touch grass or the idea of a nuclear family is on it’s last breathe nowadays.
Here’s a crazy one- the belief that having a baby is an emotionally fulfilling act that results in boundless love and that the ability to nurture or successfully mother is some engrained hidden reflex.
We propagate this false notion like a fairy tale to people that are emotionally and intellectually stunted, socially marginalized and vocationally innept, then wonder why they pop out an army of brats and criminals like its their lifes work.
Because they actually believe it is their lifes work!
Of course, the reality sets in when they find out that kids are time consuming little fountains of puke and shit, but reality and emotional desire have never really been in synch, and that has never stopped either one of them.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
In my younger days i used to donate to the single mothers charity organization of palm beach, florida